What do you get out of it?

[Michelle Vinova]

I got this question from my wife last night. After years of DADT we are trying to be more open and honest about it. She is trying to be accepting but it is a big challenge for her.

I know this forum has been asked MANY times “why” we do it. Nature, nurture, etc. but I think this is a slightly different question. Like how does it make your life better.

I really struggled answering what I get out of it. “Enjoyment” fell totally flat.

Admittedly, I’m not the best communicator.

I love cross dressing, I get a lot of enjoyment from it, but I’m still struggling in “what I get out of it”... other than causing hardship on my wife and keeping secrets from everyone else.

What do you get out of it?

[Breeheels]

To feel right. To feel good, I am hypertactile due to my autism and the sexy things I wear feel all that much better. Its calming for me. its a bit naughty and a bit of a thrill. Especially when a female co worker comments on my chest that I must be getting in good shape when its actually just a bra. Ide be lying if I didnt say at times its a sexual thrill. Especially when it turns on my GF

[Pumped]

I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.

[Micki_Finn]

Attention, adoration, and money! Of course the disclaimer here is that I?m a Drag Queen, so I don?t know how applicable this is to your own life. The rush from performing is incredible and it?s soooo much fun! Then having people coming up to you afterwards and telling you how fabulous you look and how amazing that outfit you made is, that?s the best.

To put it another way, I get in drag for basically the same reason women wear wedding dresses instead of getting married in jeans and t-shirts. It?s all about looking and feeling glamorous.

I understand why ?enjoyment? is too vague an answer for your wife. ?Enjoyment? can be anything from what I described to ?self pleasure? in a dark room.

[Val_Blackbird]

I could be horribly mistaken about this, but I think I look younger and more visually satisfying in fem mode. So, warranted or not, there's a slight confidence boost, I think. I have noticed, when I was going to the live shows at the bar, I tended to be a bit more vocal and willing to interact with others than my natural state. Perhaps there is also a bit of escapism. I don't have to be "me" for a while; I can be someone else who's allowed to wear 5-inch heels and painted nails. And, somewhat going back to aesthetics, I'm not the really short guy in the room / crowd. I'm the somewhat short girl, kinda.

I'll admit to being a little turned on also, but nothing inappropriate, just slightly. Sorry if I shouldn't say that.

[Robertacd]

I get to look like on the outside what I feel like on the inside.

[Michelle Vinova]

I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.

Hi Pumped,
I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.

[kimdl93]

That?s not a bad answer. In fact, i think it would be rather odd for someone to engage in an activity that they didn?t enjoy at some level, whether its cross dressing or hiking. At some point, the why question can become an endless loop. If you say you enjoy the experience, then the question morphs into why do you enjoy the experience. What then? I enjoy it because endorphins are released in my brain when I cross dress. Why are endorphins released... and on and on.

[Pumped]

Hi Pumped,
I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.

If you are not ready to be out, what ever the reason, why worry about it? In the mean time, fly under the radar, try keep your wife happy and nobody else needs to know.

As for talking to someone, there are professionals, no need to drag in friends. My wife and I discuss my dressing, she doesn't discuss it with anyone else.

[MaryAnn1963]

A sense of balance, of feeling whole and complete. Continuity from how I feel to how I look.

[docrobbysherry]

With respect to Micki: Attention, adoration, and a place to to spend money!

For me it's also exciting, stimulating, arousing, and provides me a full social life. At 77, it also gives me a good reason to get up every the morning!

[mbmeen12]

Dressing and etc for me is like connecting the dots game......lol I do look younger, hotter too.

[Crissy 107]

Happiness

[Teresa]

Michelle,
I feel you should ask yourself the question , " What do I want to get out of it ? "

[Connie D50]

I like Kim's (Kimdl93) reply
You might try asking your wife about one of her interest not to be sarcastic but maybe she can better describe her feeling and that turns a light blub on for you in your interest in how better to describe your feeling.

[SaraLin]

Well - for me, it's a sense of "rightness" (spell checker says that's a real word). For whatever reason, I feel more in sync with my inner self.

<resorting to analogy again - sorry 'bout that>
I'm left handed and if I try to use my right hand to do things like writing, it feels terrible and looks it too.
If I were forced to act like I was right handed, it would always feel wrong to me - no matter how "normal" others think it is.

[Paulie Birmingham]

A sexual thrill.

[GretchenM]

I am with SaraLin and Robertacd. It creates a consistency between my inner sense of identity and my outer expression. Inconsistency in those two produces dysphoria (discomfort) and the way to fix that is to create consistency. Cross-dressing does produce a strong feeling of well-being and the like, but it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance. Much of the time the dysphoria is very mild and can be handled, if necessary, with just bits and pieces of the more female-like expression. But other times the dysphoria is intense and requires a lot of outward expression to create a balance and turn me from a nervous wreck into a calm and collected and confident person.

But the experts say that the justification for cross-dressing varies all over the place with some just doing it because they can, or it provides a sexual stimulation, or any number of other reasons. Not all people who cross-dress are dysphoric, but, as a rule all people who are gender dysphoric cross-dress. Well, almost all. There are a few that don't and address the dysphoria in other ways.

In short, there is no single reason - we are all different. So, what do you get out of it? Only you can answer that question.

[Bobbi46]

This is a very emotive thread for me, my journey to where I am now has been a very event filled one, a couple of ups and downs along the way, but what I have now is an immense sense of feeling content. I feel so much happier within myself in being able to (now) go pretty much wherever I want to go. I have sense of inner freedom knowing that I am accepted properly in my locality but also its getting easier in town as well, as time goes by.

[Visitor]

The sad reality is that crossdressing is viewed by most people as deviant. You can enjoy a wide range of interests and activities, all of which you can tell your friends and family about without fear they will judge you. Crossdressing will never be one of those interests. Asking your wife or partner to join with you in your interest is asking a great deal. We want to accept ourselves and to the extent shame has been part of our journey we wish to dissolve that. Those are processes that happen between our ears. But that still leaves the rest of the world where it is... judging the behavior and the person engaging in it. You can say "I enjoy it" but I'm not certain that would be adequate given the weight that must be carried by our partners if we want their support. If you want simply to enjoy it on your own and are willing to accept whatever judgment comes your way, you can do anything you want. You can become a drag queen. You can transition. There you will find others who've embraced those choices, but you may not have family and friends joining you on the journey

The mention of gender dysphoria feels important. We are not comfortable in ourselves without indulging ourselves in this way... though we each do it in our own unique way. There is no one size fits all. The question of why we experience dysphoria comes next and my guess is there is no one answer to that either. I believe I know what it is about for me, and I can say that being able to express that to someone who cares for me makes it easier for them to understand. It is still not behavior I talk about with all of my friends. I don't indulge with my closest friend though she knows. But I'm not married and don't have to negotiate my desires in relation to my partner's discomfort. But that discomfort is as relevant to a relationship as your need to dress. Not every partner will go there with you, with me. I've never asked one to do so. I certainly appreciate the tenderness of feelings being explored here. I think conveying to your wife how crossdressing soothes you and makes it easier to negotiate life would be good. When a partner can't go there with you, difficult decisions need to be made.

[Stephanie47]

"it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance."

I was mentally fumbling around trying to find the phrase which would reflect how I feel. Thank you Getchen! That sort of works both ways. There have been many times in the past when I had the opportunity to be en femme, but the pull was just not there. A long time ago, decades ago, I tried to express myself to my wife with the line; something about expressing my inner woman. She shot back something to the effect "When you can have a baby, tell me about your inner woman." That effectively shot me down trying to come up with some reason for why I do what I do. So now I just say that I do not know why I have the need to wear women's clothing on occasion. It just feel right at the time I am doing it!

I guess a husband can turn the question around and ask a wife why she is so against this form of expression. My wife told me if she wanted to marry a woman she would have married a woman. Why does one woman kick her husband out the door at the first hint of cross dressing and another wife comfortably sits with her totally en femme husband watching television?

[KymG]

It calms me.
I can get to a relaxed zone as a girl that i don't get to as a guy.
Visually, The thrill of looking in the mirror and seeing myself as a reasonably good looking girl, (body wise, face not so much) or looking down and seeing boobs on my own body.
It can be sexual.
The feel of it, standing in heels, the brush of a boob against an arm, long hair.
The excitement of walking down to the car.
Above all else, i have no choice and feel compelled to dress up. As nicely as i can manage.

[NancySue]

I?m one of the fortunate dressers with a supportive, very helpful wife. I always ask for her opinions, ideas and suggestions. I always take her advice. We have an open sense of humor. She?ll never understand why I love to wear underwires, hose, heels, etc. To her, they?re just clothes. When I dress, which is daily, I experience a warm sense of relaxation, joy, and calmness. With her help, putting on my makeup is easy and fun...after a lot of practice. Every morning begins with an anticipation of deciding what to wear...beginning with my panties.

[CynthiaD]

Why is it wrong to wear nothing but a speedo swimsuit to a formal dinner party?

It’s something that no one would do, but try to explain it.

When I look in the mirror, I want to see myself, not some stranger. So I present as a woman.

[Cheryl T]

Quite honestly because I love being in touch with all of me.
There are parts I can't (or won't let myself) connect with unless I'm expressing myself as a female. I just feel whole.