Bad Experiences in Public?

[Barbara Joanne74]

I have been out and about as Barbara in one fashion or another many times over the last 20 years. Most times I have no problems. I get the look occasionally, but only a couple times has it been what I would call a Bad Experience. I posted about my worst one last month.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...986-Be-careful

As I mentioned in it, I am not sharing it to scare anyone or to get sympathy, but to help newer members to remember to be careful and know that even if you live someplace that seems very open to CD/TS people, there are still some that want to cause problems.

Barbara

[Alice_2014_B]

I fortunately have never had a bad experience in public as such.
One guy heckled me once when I did stand up as Alice (though heckling is NOT allowed during open-mics).

It had to do with my joke about bulges.
He yelled from the back about mine being noticed, which it barely was in my pleated skirt.
Regardless, I thanked him for noticing and continued with my set.
I didn't complain to management or anything, though I easily could've.

[Edelia]

Avoid bad situations isn't possible, but don't let this stop you, going out of wonderful

[Krisi]

For the most part, avoiding bad situations is possible.

Remember that at least for right now, you are a woman, not a guy. Don't do things a woman wouldn't do. Don't go walking around after dark alone. Don't visit "bad" parts of town. Don't go to bars alone. Don't dress like a hooker (I can't stress that enough). If your wife or mother wouldn't do it, don't you do it either.

And of course, we have to define "bad situations". Getting raped or beat up is certainly a bad situation. Getting a dirty look or laughed at isn't so bad by comparison. Getting called "sir" when dressed is disappointing, but you will live through it.

[sweetdreams]

Hello Gwen.

I've been out several times and never a bad experience. I've walked the malls with no issues. You do need to be a little aware of the situation. I wouldn't go to a bar and stay very late. People start doing dumb things the more they drink, and the later you stay the more risk there is. You do need to be careful. Try to stay in public places. I'm very aware of what's going on around me if I'm walking to my car alone. Try to park in well lit, public places. If possible be with other people, there's security in numbers.

For me Halloween is a no-brainer. A great way to get out the door for the first time. Highly recommended.

[Genifer Teal]

No matter what someone says, I never talk back to them. I mean even if someone says something negative I'd rather ignore it then try to defend myself. It never ends well. You say something they say something it goes back and forth and keeps escalating. Anytime I hear of situation that got violent I've always asked how it happened and that's generally the story. I've got nothing to prove. I'd rather walk away safe than end up in a fight just to defend my honor. I used to go out every weekend in nyc till 4am (that's when things close here). Had a handful of dicey situations over a decade. Nothing got out of hand. For those few times it was worth the risk because they really were nothing just that they could have been something. I wouldn't trade all the fun for the worry. that would not have been worth it. Having a great attitude and personality also go a long way. I'm friendly and outgoing and that's very disarming. Best of luck to you as you find your way.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've had a few situations where I had some concern. I've been hit on a few times, but mostly it's been by drunks. I've always been in very public places or close to friends, so I didn't get too worried. One guy that hit on me was totally wasted. But he was with a group of friends who just dragged him away from me. I got hit on by a guy in a bar. I even had a wingwoman with me. I asked her why she didn't come to rescue me, and she said it was funny to watch me get out of the situation myself. One guy that hit on me appeared to be an admirer.

But, on the other side, I've had so many wonderful times. We usually meet at a hotel lounge, and there are often other groups there. Once there was a quinceanera, and the GG girls joined us for pictures. Once there was a girls travelling soccer team, and they joined us for karaoke and pictures. A group of four girls came of to me and asked me how I did that, pointing to my breasts. I told them that they were silicone forms, and I even popped them out for one of the girls to try on. Soon they were being passed around, and eventually, all four girls tried them on. Cameras came out, and pictures were taken. It was really wonderful talking girl talk with real GGs.

I also got hit on but a cute young GG. She wanted me to come to her place some time so she could do my makeup. She said that I had the same coloring as her.

Another time when I was with a group of CDs at a restaurant. I was flirting with the GG waitress, when she told me she was Bi. I told her than I should be her best friend. I could be a boy when she wanted a boy and a girl when she wanted a girl. I half jokingly told her to come crash the Keystone Gala Ball dance on Saturday night. I even gave her my phone number. I was surprised as all get out when she called me and asked me if I was really serious about the dance. I said sure, just make sure you come dressed. Everyone will be wearing evening gowns or cocktail dresses. Well she actually came. She stayed with me until the dance was over and the lights came back up. I ended up introducing her to a bunch of CD friends, and then I escorted her to her Lyft. When I got back, everyone wanted th full story. I basically told them that she was my date.

I guess to summarize, the good times have way outweighed the bad times.

But, learn to think like a girl. You're much more vulnerable than a guy.

[Janis]

I once went to a nail salon for a pedicure. When I selected bright pink nail polish, the girl giggled at me. She said, "But you're a man." I was so embarrassed, all I could do was was turn around an leave.

[Aunt Kelly]

Leaving was the right move, but not because of embarrassment. Any vendor who would treat a paying customer that way does not deserve your business.

[marika_jaye]

I once went to a nail salon for a pedicure. When I selected bright pink nail polish, the girl giggled at me. She said, "But you're a man." I was so embarrassed, all I could do was was turn around an leave.

I had a similar experience earlier this year, at a nail salon I hadn't been to before. I picked my polish (the brightest, pinkest pink they had) and headed for the pedi chair. When the tech saw the polish, she raised an eyebrow. Being a "no f**ks given" kind of person, I shrugged it off. By the time I left, both the "raised eyebrow" tech and the guy who actually put the polish on my toenails were complimenting me on how pretty my toes looked.

Confidence can be very disarming. Besides, is there a more manly color? LOL

[Alexis00]

Excluding parent stuff, which you are past, here are the worst things that have happened to me - which sound quite silly.

- one of my first times out en femme, had on a skirt and tights (have pretty nice legs) was catcalled by a group of guys. Was angry but decided to say nothing.
- Followed by a group of teenage boys in my car, apparently they found my boobs enchanting. Got separated at a light.
-Got stopped in a DUI road block while en femme. State Trooper couldn?t have cared much less but it was scary.

The WORST was I was walking down a city street, when not very good at passing. Two women walked by and one of them said, in a stage whisper, ?That?s a guy!? I blushed crimson red. Her friend looked at me and winked. But wound up going back to the car and going home.

[mylilsecret8]

My face isn't passable, even when I've had professional makeup session, so I often get read as a "man dressed feminine". I get a lot of stares, double looks and whispers which no longer upset me since very rare does anyone make rude comments or threaten my space. Male sales associates usually don't make eye contact or say anything but a few female sales associates might complement something I'm wearing or refer to me as Maam or Miss. I really only had a few uncomfortable experiences in the many years. One time 3 teenagers started yelling "that's a dude" and "why are you dressed like a girl" while walking through a parking lot at a strip mall. I walked into the first store (hair salon) I came to and was surprised they followed me in. The owner (60 year old man) told them to leave and told me I could wait as long as I needed and if they didn't leave he'd call the police.

One time I had a group of teens (boys and girls) make fun of me at the beach while I was wearing string bikini bottom. I just ignored them and after few minutes they gave up. The other time I went to a Mall Bar and Grill around 8 pm while wearing jeggings and high heels and low cut top with push up bra and taped cleavage (similar to my profile pic), no makeup, baseball style hat and the manager said I probably wouldn't be comfortable coming in. When I said I had no worries, he sternly said for me to go that my kind aren't welcome, so I left.

As others have said, pick a safe place for your first few times. Maybe start slow by just wearing unisex or just a single feminine item. Then as you feel more comfortable, add a little more. You'll be surprised how many people don't even notice.

[abby054]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head.

My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

[Brenn]

Worst thing that ever happened to me was some guy started videoing me with his cell phone at an outlet mall. I didn't really feel unsafe, but he creeped me out.

[Alexis00]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head. ?

This is such great, smart advice!

My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

I got followed for a bit by some teenage girls near Faneuil Hall. A very well dressed woman walking the other way saw what was going on (and read me, I assume) and stopped them in their tracks. I was very grateful I wasn?t sure how to handle it.I’ve always been impressed by how kind some women are .

[Star01]

One more comment on this thread. My worst experiences so far have been in private in the form of non-acceptance resulting in DADT. I have not made it to the door dressed as a result. My bad experiences have all been in private so far.

[Aunt Kelly]

After following this thread for a while, it occurs to me that we are talking about various values of "bad", when it comes to "bad experiences". No one wants to experience a genuinely dangerous encounter, myself included. We can all agree that such things are universally regarded as "bad". Fortunately, given the observance of common sense guidelines for female safety, the odds of such occurrences fall to insignificance. On the other hand, I live for the opportunities to make those who are "uncomfortable" with us squirm. Most of the time, eye contact and a pleasant smile is all it takes to make them realize that they are the only one having a problem. The pattern of behavior at that point is remarkably consistent. First, they break eye contact, and look down. Then they'll look around, at others in the room, restaurant, lounge, whatever. It's like they're seeking validation for their hatred. Finding none (almost always), they'll just sulk.

But that's me. Many here are just like Star01, and have never been out anywhere. No one goes out the first time (or three) with full confidence, and that is perfectly understandable. But if the mere possibility of being read or laughed at is that "bad", why subject yourself to it? Yes, that's a rhetorical question, my point being that some introspection may be in order. If you want to be out, fine, but why? What are you willing to sacrifice in order to do that? The perception of dignity should probably be high on your list. You will almost certainly be clocked, maybe even laughed at. If you can not abide that from complete strangers, stay in the closet. If you are willing to take such a "risk", you're likely to find a new kind of dignity, the kind that comes from holding your head high while being the person you want to be, despite the occasional boorish response to your presence. If you are not prepared for that kind of "bad experience", avoiding it altogether is, as I've said, perfectly understandable.

[Alexis00]

Can’t say how many t8mes I made plans to go out, then stopped at the door!

One of the first times I was read on a street in Boston I was so unnerved turned around got in the car and went home. Takes a while to realize 1. You are going to be read and B. It doesn’t really matter.

[Star01]

Many here are just like Star01, and have never been out anywhere.

I am honored by the mention. I do go out in my dreams almost every night but am currently stuck in a no shopping no getting past the gatekeeper situation. My weight gain this past year is straining my ability to even get into the few things I have and my costume store wigs look like a dog found them and chewed them up. Shaving my body and underdressing discretely are a daily thing but that's as far as I dare to take it in spite of a worsening case of body dysphoria. On the inside I have gone as far as considering transitioning over the years but on the outside I'm a country bumpkin who would need a Queer Eye type intervention to be presentable.

I'm not depressed by my lot in life, just have a few more steps to take before I could even think about going out in public. The choice is a difficult one, risk blowing up a fifty year marriage or living in angst. It's really not as easy to resolve as some would suggest.

[joanna4]

I just get stares, never anything bad. No one bothers me in the restrooms besides complimenting my outfits

[Teresa]

Aunt Kelly,
All we can do is retell our encounters in the hope it will give others confidence . As far as we are concerned we must keep them straight and don't embellish them , BS is no use to anyone .

The fear of bad experiences mostly reside in our heads .

I would say many are like Star , the biggest obstacle and worse critic is the wife/partner , the fear of permanent damage to a marriage .

I admit the first time I went to my social group meeting I wasn't nervous at all despite never stepping out the door dressed to the nines because it was a dinner dance . After all those years and bouts of counselling it finally felt right . I'd never driven that distance before and met others in a hotel and certainly risked being out at 1.00am to drive home . Have I ever felt in danger or had a bad experience since ? The answer is NO , because you do what most GGs do and don't put yourself in that sort of situation .

I also don't do the male/female look , so having nails done or going to the dentist or optician whatever doesn't raise giggles or even worse hurtful comments , I go out as Teresa and get the respect for doing so .

[Julie Slowinski]

Apparently, I am atypical. I read the comments and see a lot of suggestions about stealth and blending, don?t talk to anyone or you will be clocked, and don?t go to bars by yourself. OMG, I am all about being noticed (why else am I trying to look fabulous), I love talking to anyone who will listen (always in my regular guy voice) and by myself in a bar is the best way to make new friends (always platonic). And, most of the ?bad experiences? cited are non-issues in my book - side eyes and double takes are par for the course. I?m with Aunt Kelly, if anyone starts getting all judgie, it only takes a solid unapologetic look in the eye to make them squirm and feel embarrassed. Being hit on by random creepers is also to be expected. It once happened to me 3 times in one day. On another occasion, a guy was asking for directions by having me look at his phone, just to show me a dck pic. Chasers are bold and we just need to accept that fact. I have also been known to take late night risks - walking around the city or taking the CTA train by myself after midnight. The only time I get concerned about safety is when there are no other people around - a desolate place is asking for trouble regardless of boy or girl mode.

I think the difference comes from the mentality that Dee advocates - I always assume I have been clocked by everyone almost immediately and the key is to just be okay with that. If everyone knows, then there is nothing to hide. Actually, there is empowerment in looking someone in the eye and saying with your eyes, smile and conversation that this is who I am and I need not apologize nor feel ashamed for being out in the world enjoying all it has to offer. Doesn?t mean I never feel self conscious (I definitely have had my moments where I wanted to be invisible), but summoning a bold self pride has been and continues to be my sword and shield. This really is the best advice I can give you Gwen - the only person who deserves to be embarrassed is the coward who tries to judge you for boldly being who you are. There is a bold goddess within you, you just need to figure out how to set her free. 🧚*♀️

[Alexis00]

Julie that is fantastic advice!

[Suranne]

A guy recently started calling out to me on the street. You know, lewd and suggestive things. It was the worst that had happend to me since I'd been out and, as I'd always prepared myself for the possibility of it happening then it wasn't the worst thing when it did. I think that's one piece of advice I would give, be prepared. Anyway I put my plan into action which was to continue walking, presenting the person with an ever diminishing target at which to aim their abuse. This is when I put the second part of my plan into action, which was, when I was a safe distance away, to turn around and take a picture on my phone. Just a quick snap, just enough that the person can be identified, but from far enough away that they can't be sure what you're doing. But this bit has to be done as safely as possible. Oh, and this is where matey had made his big mistake as he was at work, on the roads, patching the surface after roadworks. And there were signs everywhere, saying that "such and such company apologises for any inconvenience". They were a national company too, not a small, local firm, but one with loads of employees and a proper company structure, policies and a reputation to protect. This is where I put the next part of my plan in to action. I looked up the company on the internet and found the name of their Director of HR, the top person, the one on the board. I wrote them a letter, explaining what had happened. It's always best to send a letter as they have to send a letter back. It means that they have to do more work and it has more of a cost to them. I told the director that I had a picture. I got a reply asking to see the picture and was told that an investigation would be carrried out. I sent the picture. A couple of weeks later I got a letter back, saying sorry for what had happened to me and letting me know that the person involved no longer worked for the company.

I think that this experiece shows that having a plan is important, that staying safe is important, and that we have more power that we might think that we have. (UK only this nex bit). Certainly if you're trans and you make a declaration, even just to another person that it is your intention to transition, even though that transition is a journey and could take a very, very long time and be done in tiny steps, if you are on that journey, then you have a protected characteristic under the Equality Act and you may not be descriminated against.

This is why I am able to be the whole me in the workplace, including on client sites and this is why the company had to take action against their employee, because they couldn't not do so.

Also, more what I consider to be wise advice, don't go anywhere you wouldn't ordinarily go, do go anywhere where someone presenting as you wouldn't ordinarily go, there is safey in numbers and in public spaces, avoid drink and drinkers, and finally, own the place as you have every right to be there, as it says in Withnail and I "Show no fear!"

[Blonde617]

Years ago when I lived in the suburbs, went to a mall crossdressed one evening. Just walked around, didn't even go to any stores. Someone followed me out to my car, copied the license plate, and called the police to report a suspicious person 'Casing a bank."

The local police called me and asked me to come down to the station. I'd just gotten home so had to hurriedly clean off makeup and change.

The first words out of the officer's mouth were, "It's not illegal to crossdress." He explained the situation and I told him I wasn't a bank robber, just a crossdresser. That was the end of it.