What does it mean to be yourself? Are you really you?

[Maria_mtf]

Possibly a stupid post this one sorry in advance!

If someone asks me my favourite colour I will answer I am not sure, probably settle on green or blue as I wear them the most. But actually I love pink.

What is my favourite outfit its joggers and a fleece. Home alone my choice would be very different.

Why do I shave my hear so short? Because is cheaper as my wife does it for me. However really I would love to grow my hair out.

Any question I am asked, before I actually answer it I think about the real answer in my head, but anything that might link me to cding I change it to a more manly answer. I have done this for about 20 years and affectively I think I have conditioned myself to not answer honestly, around that subject.

So really when I look at who I am, I am deceitful, secretive and generally not that honest. I dress and present myself as I feel I should based on what people expect to see. This is what I do so it must be who I am.

Some things I want to do is to learn python coding, run a marathon, have a fun job I love and volunteer for charity. However I don?t do anything to pursue any of these things, so they are not really apart of me, they are things I want to do. If I do nothing about it do I really want them? So on the same note is Maria really a part of me, or just something I want, or think I want.

I was brought up with honesty is the best policy yet a section on my life is completely hidden and locked away from the world.

Further to this the 2/3 days I work at home completely alone, 90% of the time I wear guy clothes. This is because I don?t want to close the curtains, get changed to answer the door, be distracted, waste time getting changed and I just don't seem to have the desire. The whole process is so secretive!

After all that I think I need to chat to my therapist again. I am beginning to think I only want what I cant have, once I can I don't want it.

[Teresa]

Maria,
I look back and see it as wearing a male straightjacket , at times we are retsricted to what is expected of us and not who we truly are . I admit I never expected to be divorced after 45 years of marriage but wanting to be me just wouldn't go away . I had the selfish label thrown in my face but I began to realise I wasn't the selfish one , I was making most of the sacrifices to please everyone else but was very unhappy in doing so .

Being full time for three years has worked out much better than I expected , I've been allowed to be truly who I am but in the process lost very little , my family are still there for me as I am for them . My wife is happier partly because she can be herself without worrying about my gender situation .

I agree you should talk to your therpist again because at some point you have to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others , often talking to a professional will open that door for you . Finding a balance in your life has to happen even if it means admitting you're TG , it's not so bad perhaps consider the alternative then you may see it more clearly .

If it helps consider my avatar picture which was taken in the art room when attending my painting group , there were twenty other people in the room when my friend kindly took the picture . I never believed all this could happen so the picture proves it .

[GretchenM]

No, your post is not stupid. It is really important to bring this up if for no other reason than it apparently disturbs you to some extent. And rightly so.

I think it is all about the expectations people have for us. I am not referring to what career we pursue or anything like that. But the expectations such as dressing properly in relationship to the configuration of your genitals, the shape of your face, the tone of your voice, etc. "If you are sexually male then it is expected that you will look like a male, irrespective of what kind foolishness you might feel inside." When I was about 8 I told my mother I wanted to be a girl (this was in 1953). I was told, "You are a boy. You are a very handsome boy. You will always be a boy and you can't be a girl." All of this is based on stereotypical thinking and letting the stereotypes determine what is expected of you. We don't want to disappoint people so we choose to conform even though that is sometimes light years from what YOU want. You are experiencing the conflict that kind of behavior creates. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers.

The thing is, and most will agree with this, we are all different and have our own likes and dislikes. But we are not always free to express ourselves in the way that is most suitable for us because of stereotype based expectations that you behave in ways that conform to social standards very closely. But the other side of that coin is that we tend to let those expectations dictate what we do even when it is contrary to what we would prefer to do. For us, who are often very different in very specific ways, complying with expectations can result in a lot of disappointment with ourselves and that is plain wrong. So we end up living lives that contain a lot of secrets that, if we were completely free, would all be out in the open.

That said, we also have expectations such as an expectation of being accepted for who we are even if that conflicts with the general social expectations. On the other hand, expectations set boundaries between what we wish and what is generally acceptable. Like it or not, we are a small minority and therefore we can be subjected to a lot of discrimination and prejudice that is clearly unfair and very hurtful to us. Fortunately, that is changing, but it is very slow, tentative, and full of dangers most of which will never happen but could if we are not careful. It is the evil side of expectations and the great conflicts and pain they can produce.

[jacques]

hello Maria,
I am really me. I am the same person whatever clothes I wear.
You and I are entitled to a private life.
It is not a secret that I go to the toilet; but it is private.
If I wear different clothes in private; that is not a secret.
We don't have to tell lies about our private life; we do have to tell lies to cover up our secrets.
stay healthy!
luv J

[Maria_mtf]

Thanks all, I feel less stupid for sharing already.

Teresa, I think the short of it is to be honest with yourself which you have clearly done but I am struggling to do.

Gretchen, as it happens I am also thinking about my career choices as well. I like aspects of my job, but I dont love it or look forward to spending most of my waking hours doing it, despite the fact it pays very well. But thats a whole other story.

Jacques, I see your point, but I guess it depends if dressing in private is your choice and you are happy with just that. I am no longer happy with only dressing in private and I shouldnt need to hide this side of me.

[candykowal]

It sure sounds like you have progressed through all the emotions one does, when in the closet, that's all.
You know what to expect, you have been there, done that, know how to control your environmental situation in the social circles you frequent.
We do loose the desire, as a stress reliever when stress has stopped, lose of stimulus as there isn't a cute lady in our life, new fashion trends don't tickle our fancy ( I despise bare shoulder blouses!), a chemical thyroid imbalance makes our thoughts wander..... we lack a colorful feminine past to reminisce with.
You shouldn't think of yourself as a bad person because you hide things and are secretive, we all have crosses to bare and you are not alone.
Nothing wrong or weird about any of it. It is the norm and part of all of our.....Human nature.

[Ressie]

Everybody has secrets. Some people have a knack for prying those secrets out of us. And yes, it gets hard and feels disingenuous when the secret kind of becomes a double life. It takes courage to come out others and we all have to decide if we should or not. Just sharing with others here is a step in that direction isn't it?

[Krisi]

"What does it mean to be yourself? "

Well, the way I figure it, I am always "myself". I am a male who enjoys dressing as a female from time to time (most of the time if I could). That makes me a crossdresser. It's not something I tell people but it is who I am.

I am not a female trapped in a male body or anything like that. And strapping on a pair of boobs doesn't change my political views or taste in music or food.

[UsuallyRick]

Maria, I at 54(actually started at 50) feel I no longer care what people (most people) think of me.. I love pink and express that in some sort everyday.. over time those I love have come to actually appreciate that.. many of those I don't know,(I run a ski lift at our local resort)comment on how cool it is that I am comfortable wearing the hot pink gaitor and have the hot pink base layer cuffs showing below my black uniform sleeve cuffs.. those comments empower me and I love the comments about how I rock the pink and many guests (GGs and Male) say more guys should be comfortable wearing pink( many guys have admitted they too like pink but are constrained by social "norms" from displaying pink.. several years ago I got a few ladies ski pants in pink or hot pink and rock them in my off hrs everyday skiing. My hair has always been fairly long but thanks to the COVID dilemma it has reached high school (graduated in '86) lengths mid way down my back, also many comments about how my long hair is fitting or they admire my ability to grow it out etc ( and yes occasionally the ones that say I need a haircut&#129315 ... I reply that at 54 I have earned my place and the right to do and wear what I like.. I also reply that I don't feel "social norms" are bs and I don't buy into what society "says" what I should wear or express..!! I also fought hard against the "establishment" and found ways to get around their "rules" or "guidelines" on how I run my lift.. tunes cranked, corny "joke of the day" on wipeoff board and overall a very relaxed cool environment for the skiing guests because they appreciate it!! I have become kind of a Legend in my spot on the mountain!! All that said, not worrying what others think to an extent and the slowly bringing what I like into view has made a decent transformation in my life.. I am only really concerned what my loving wife and kids think and for the most part they totally accept me for me.. I have been wearing pink yoga pants and pink turtlenecks and my favorite pink zebra striped P/J bottoms pretty much full time and have always worn "women's"(I hate that clothing are labeld for expressly women) underdressings for decades and have become more comfy with wearing the same on the exterior at this point.. while I love my mans self and know my wife does as well I enjoy being liberated as to wearing the pink and or frilly stuff as well.. I have no desire to do any transition to calling myself a woman or "becoming" one however I sure like to dress and play the part of a woman and miss the many opportunities pre-COVID I had to X-dress and wear the wigs, stockings, makeup and short dresses etc .... best of luck to you and don't feel like any question you have is stupid because if you don't know,it's not stupid but an honest question!!!

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Great comment !!!

[MonicaPVD]

I am a profoundly dishonest person. I have lied to myself my entire life. I have lied to my wife, and to everyone who believes that they know the real me. I am a performer, an actor, and a very good one.

[Wen4cd]

One time a reporter asked Bob Dylan why he lied to the press so much, he was like "you can't lie to yourself, and you can't lie to God. The press is neither one of them things."

I learned to tell people what they wanted to hear as a child, because when you're locked up in a mental hospital, you have to, absolutely HAVE to learn to do this if you ever want to get out of the clutches of the monsters 'helping' you. When you have doctors and therapists up your ass 24/7, you learn to even lie with your body language.

Nothing like seeing the smug expression of some punk counselor or therapist who thinks they have changed you, thinks you appreciate their 'help' and knowing secretly what you will do to them if you ever meet them in a dark alley someday.

[Karren H]

Who ever came up with honesty is the best policy was a liar! Honest is a stupid policy... my wife is bluntly honest about everything and it hurts lots of people. Being nice is the best policy And if that means being dishonest.... a little... that is fine...

[Davina Katherine]

I think I agree with you Karren.

Being nice is better than brutal honesty, as long as we don't encourage or enable behavior that is harmful.

Honesty in moderation or tempered with compassion is the best policy.

[docrobbysherry]

Because physical, mental, and perceived barriers keep us from exploring and experiencing fully who and what we r!

Within those limitations? In my 77 years I think I've experienced a few moments of feeling the power within myself to be the me I'm capable of.

I've found those moments to be both satisfying and frightening! Quite a few of them have occurred because of dressing or while I was dressed!

[Star01]

I be myself because nobody else could handle being me. You?re welcome.

[Geena75]

I am a profoundly dishonest person. I have lied to myself my entire life. I have lied to my wife, and to everyone who believes that they know the real me. I am a performer, an actor, and a very good one.

How can I be sure you're not lying right here?

[Maria_mtf]

Karen you are absolutely right its far better to be nice. However in general being honest is a good thing.

UsuallyRick, that is the best comment I have ever read on here. You are so great, what an inspiration you must be to everyone around you. I love skiing too I want to come to your slope!

Kim and Monica I feel like we are on the page, unfortunately.

Sherry, love the dress in your profile pic and every comment you post :-)

Thanks everyone.

[Wen4cd]

no one is really themselves

your house is decorated in shamanic masks isn't it? :D hehehe.

[Geena75]

Maria

Try not to get too distraught over this. In many ways we all are a composite of the roles we play in life. Speaking for myself, my most important role is as husband and father (and grandfather, for that matter) and I present myself accordingly. I present myself somewhat differently at work, where I deal with customers and co-workers over 40 hrs per week. I have other hobbies where I figuratively 'let my hair down' around friends, and present myself much differently than at home or at work. Then there is Geena, so different that I even use a different name to describe myself. I imagine 'who I am' as a set of intersecting circles, each representing how I present myself in that role. I never completely stop being any of these roles, as each affects the other, but one dominates the others depending on the situation. Rather than think of it as being separate personalities, I see it more like dominant behaviors in keeping with the situation. It would be impossible to be all of each role all at once, any more than it would be able to completely squelch an individual one. I try not to be deceptive, and avoid outright lies, but I also reserve parts of myself for when I am in that particular role.

The problem would be if I hated one or more roles, and therefore took the path of total deception.

Hopefully, this made some sense.

[MonicaPVD]

I'd explain how, but then I'd be lying and you'd be none the wiser.

How can I be sure you're not lying right here?

[Ressie]

Somewhere I read about a tribe in the South Pacific that considered lying the biggest sin. The punishment was being banished! Just think, admitting your a crossdresser would save you from banishment and you wouldn't have to worry about being outed.

[Melissa73]

Dressing 4 me is just clothing. I discovered i am 50 50 male female

[docrobbysherry]

your house is decorated in shamanic masks isn't it? :D hehehe.

Wow! U nailed it, Wen! I have been collecting bizarre masks from around the world for 50 years during my travels!
To date? I've never tried one of them on!

Yet only began dressing, out of the blue, 25 years ago!

[Bobbi75]

i agree with geena im alot of different people inside myself and they come out in various situations im in