Ask a GG - Three

[Di]

We have a lot of wives that join after the shock of finding out, come in FAB ,vent, scream, have a safe place to talk . Many times after things calm down and they work things out they are not on here as much but pop in to tell us hello and many times tell us we saved their marriage ect
The rest of us just talk, hang out and in our life our partner being TS or TG is just our life and not a big deal.
Many of us that have been here a long time, stay here to help especially the new GGs just finding out.
She is welcome if she is interested, we respect each other and have a safe place to talk with others that understand our life.

Add after reading the answers of some CDs not wanting their wife to be a member.
I guess if you want to keep it separate and closeted and secret thing you do . But if you want it open and part of your day to day life it would be a different story .

[Lydianne]

Hi! 👋.

This is a question about safety.


So the safety of women outdoors is under the microscope today [ March 13 ] in Britain. I'm not sure whether I can post exactly why in this section, but if you google "women safety Britain", it would be impossible not to find out why. It is horrific. It raises (more) trust issues.


So there is going to be a series of events, demonstrations & vigils nationwide in Britain today,.. but there are also coronavirus restrictions in place regarding in-person gatherings. For some women, the conviction to attend something in person is so strong that they are going to do so anyway.


( I find myself incapable of being critical of that position because when I consider the question of which is more dangerous: the virus or the streets?.. For some women, it could conceivably be the streets. I just hope that those attending in person take steps to protect themselves and each other from the virus. )

The police have stated their position that they will disperse all gatherings, in accordance with virus procedures.


Now, the flashpoint incident took place in London. In Edinburgh ( some 400-or-so miles away at the other end of Britain ), a female official found herself in the unenviable position of having to discourage Edinburgh women from attending events in person and to participate online instead, but to draw attention to her conflict, she said the following:


"I'm 67 years old. For 50 years as a woman, I have lived a life that aims to protect and keep myself safe in a way that no man of my age ever has to do."


So what I'm asking of you is:

1. Which of the steps do each of you take with the hope of improving your safety outdoors in your area? Have they changed over the years, or with the times, or with where you've lived, or through different phases of your life, etc?

2. Do you have any immediate thoughts about the conflict between showing solidarity by gathering in-person and the discouragement from the authorities because of virus procedures?

3. And considering that a lot more of life has been forced online nowadays, which steps do you take to improve your online safety?


Many thanks in advance.

- L.

[char GG]

I know which story that you are referring to. It's very sad that things like that occur in our world.

1. Which of the steps do each of you take with the hope of improving your safety outdoors in your area? Have they changed over the years, or with the times, or with where you've lived, or through different phases of your life, etc?

We have many beautiful nature areas, bike paths, beaches, walking trails in our area. I typically walk with a friend in those areas. If no one is available, I walk on the public sidewalk that borders a busy street. I walk fast, with purpose, and stay vigilant of my surroundings. I don't walk any of the deserted beaches. In the past, I had to leave before work before daylight, I would make sure to park my car facing the back of my house so that the lights would illuminate the dark, back area.We have motion detector lighting back there but there are some darker spots. I only took public highways to work rather than the more scenic back roads. I only go shopping in daylight hours which I can do now that I'm retired. If alone, I park in spots closed to the building that I am going into. There are parts of towns that I never go to alone or even with someone. I make sure my car tires are inflated correctly, and the routine maintenance is done to avoid unnecessary breakdowns. I avoid parking lots that have large (baseball size) landscape stones. I had an incident in the past, where kids were tossing those stones in a parking lot. I had one child in a stroller and one child holding my hand. That was very scary as it was before cell phones. The only option was to turn around, go back the mall so they could call the authorities.

EDIT: I'm going to add driving. Be aware of who is following you. If someone appears to be following you, don't go home. Go to a public place or police station and make sure the driver leaves the area before you proceed home.

Adding one more thing: Prior to Covid, I worked at a concert venue. We usually had a shuttle take us to our cars, however, one night I had to stay late and was approached by a man asking for money after I exited the building. I was very angry about having to stay late anyway so when he asked, I want crazy on him, yelling, waving my hands in the air, I think he thought I was the crazy one and left.

2. Do you have any immediate thoughts about the conflict between showing solidarity by gathering in-person and the discouragement from the authorities because of virus procedures?

The only group I gather with is my walking group of approximately 12 ladies and we wear masks. I do not gather for solidarity groups.

3. And considering that a lot more of life has been forced online nowadays, which steps do you take to improve your online safety?

I am only on minimal sights and log off after each use. CD.com. FB, and e-mail are the only sites that I would consider "chat" type forums. My FB friends are people that I actually know in person. I keep many of my personal views to myself. Otherwise, I read news sites. My hubby keeps a virus protector on our computers.

Just a side note: I am horrified when I read about members on this site that CD and then walk in deserted areas.

[ReineD]

I feel safe going about my day-to-day business - work, errands, pre-Covid gatherings, concerts and other social life, etc, as long as there are other people around. I need to add that my ethnicity does not add to my endangerment. We all know that hate crimes against minorities have been on the rise. Still, it is not nor has it ever been safe for any woman to wander alone late at night in dark, unpopulated places, unless of course she is well able to defend herself. I dare say it is not safe for men either; they can also be assaulted by someone with a weapon or a gang.

I adhere to Covid restrictions, regardless of the merits of social causes. If I want to help, I can donate funds to appropriate organizations that fight against the particular injustice for the time being. I am confident that Covid restrictions will be lifted this year once most people are vaccinated and so it will be possible to once again participate in any protests afterwards.

As to online safety, I don't disclose personal and/or identifying information online. Ever. I am familiar with and follow proper security measures recommended by the websites that I do participate in. I use strong passwords and two-factor authentication when possible. I don't click on links or open attachments in spam emails and I clear out my browsers every day or so. These measures protect against identity theft. I am not concerned about someone stalking me.

[candykowal]

We have been having gang members from the inner city come out to the suburbs to car jack and accost victims of opportunity.
I never venture into questionable areas but sometime our Chi Chapter meetings run past 10pm on Saturdays, so I get concerned.
I also install a delay ignition kill switch in my convertible just in case.
I made the circuit myself and if I touch a place on the dash, a timer starts and shuts the car down in 50 seconds, plenty of time to run away.
Be careful to all the ladies out there. As police get more scarce, it will be your issue to defend yourself!

[Di]

1. Which of the steps do each of you take with the hope of improving your safety outdoors in your area? Have they changed over the years, or with the times, or with where you've lived, or through different phases of your life, etc?

2. Do you have any immediate thoughts about the conflict between showing solidarity by gathering in-person and the discouragement from the authorities because of virus procedures?

3. And considering that a lot more of life has been forced online nowadays, which steps do you take to improve your online safety?

Answers

1) I will start out with how things have changed . I was a teen when my mom passed and got a job. I was very naive but quickly learned , had older men following me . I walked different ways back and forth to school and work. Told someone when leaving my route and time leaving.involved the police to make it stop.
Skip ahead to when I had a car and onward always be aware , walking to your car have keys in hand , lock doors , be aware who is following you when driving.
And most important if you have a funny feeling do not dismiss it trust your gut feelings .
Try not to walk in the dark by yourself, wear shoes you can run in, do not wear headphones. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Stopping to get gas get it at the pump. I sound Paranoid but trust me I am not.

2) I would do support online but not go out. I have had many covid deaths ( 5) of people I know and I personally would not at this time . I would find another way to support .

3) Strong passwords, change them , never accept as a friend someone I do not know on fb and never ever give personal info out.

[Dutchess]

Besides working at the track I have been in adult entertainment since I was 18 and I still do so today.
As a result my safety measures are on another level too intense really to list all here and I have not called the police since 1989 and I doubt will ever again so the cops being available isn't a worry of mine .

I never go out at night anymore period , if something ends at night and I am out ( RARELY I just dont like going out at night much less alone ) I go to the car with someone . If anyone at anytime tries to speak to me in a parking lot or anywhere I am alone during daylight or dark , I pretend I don't hear them and keep moving . NO eye contact ever. Just none . When I was younger most of us had an escort to our cars or the bus by a bouncer or guard . My house is locked , my friends at the barn where my horses are text me or otherwise check on me every single day . I don't care of I have been for a jog around the neighborhood ,I always carry my keys with me in my hand and when I get home I totally check all the windows and doors in my house , I admit I even do the closets too . I NEVER get into my car without checking in the backseat either .

With the covid thing I am medically fragile at the moment so going out in a crowd is the last thing I am going to do . I have been an active marcher/protester since 1982 but am not able to anymore. One of my sons is an RN in a covid unit and I wont make it if I catch it . I have had several friends die from it also - I take it seriously . I am still able to help in other ways .

Online I am not always on FB but I change passwords, never accept friend request from anyone I don't know . Never chat online with strangers ever anywhere . I just dont deal in situations where Id have to give out any info period , . FB is mainly used now for pictures and progress goals I make regarding my health issues . It always gives me a headache when I see people meeting strangers online esp for clandestine meet ups , that is just so dangerous .

[confused_cathreen]

Lydianne with the interesting questions! Hi there 😀

This case is tragic, I guess in time we will hear what happened to this poor girl. Although it was only 9:30 and she walked on a busy road, my first thought when I read about her disappearance was, why did she think it was a good idea to walk 50 mins in the night? Don't misunderstand me, not blaming her in any way, she should be able to walk the streets at 1 am with the same confidence she walked them at 1 pm. But the reality is that we don't. We learn early on the do's and don'ts and teach the younger generation the same thing. It's not only girls but boys too. There were more murders of boys than girls on the streets of London. But as women we have the added danger of a potential sexual assault.
And in the UK, we can't even carry a pepper spray with us.

So we do all the things the ladies above mentioned. And then some. It is a constant awareness of potential threats. We never relax. You walk your dog at night only if your dog is a dangerous looking dog that noone would dare mess with. You make sure to memorise the bus schedule if you need to take public transport. Always walk with purpose and swiftly. You don't take shortcuts off busy roads. You are always aware of who is walking behind you or dark house entrances that might be coming up on your route. It's million little things. And the tragedy is that no matter how tight legislation becomes, the streets will never be completely safe. And if you can't even trust the police, who can you trust? It sucks beyond belief.

Thank you for asking that question Lydianne. Another reason why I laugh when I read men wishing they could be a woman for a week so that they could wear the dress. The dress and the heels are the last thing you want to be wearing if you get dragged in a dark alley by three blokes. Jeans and steel toed boots are the right outfit for walking in the night, and that's the truth.

[DianeT]

Hi ladies, we frequently refer to you as GGs on these boards, however I would question the use of the term "girl" for designating grown-up women and the possible retrograde views that may tag along depending on whose using it. What do you think yourself of this GG term? Is there a reason for not using GW instead?
Signed: a GB

[Di]

GG -When I joined 16 years ago that just was the term that everyone used and knew. Not a big deal and I guess some CDs say gurls for themselves.
Also the GGs here have the option to put GG ( or we add) in their name if they want it. I opt out of doing that.
Also when we named our private group we took a vote on a name for it and we voted for FAB (female at birth)
Just some history.
I know what and who I am and do not care for labels in general but I see it as a term basically that is well know, common in the cding circles.

[char GG]

My hubby thought GG stood for "girly girl" and I thought it was "genetic girl". There may be other variations.

I don't care for labels either. It doesn't bother me if it is helpful. Most people on this forum are referred to as "she" and GG may help in differentiating who is responding.

[Dutchess]

I thought it was genetic girl also. Similar to Di , when I got here 12 years back it was just sort of an identifier that let people know you were not a Cder or a trans person . So you knew who you were talking too . We also had a good group of trans men at that time also so it was helpful there as well .

[Miel GG]

So the safety of women outdoors is under the microscope today [ March 13 ] in Britain. I'm not sure whether I can post exactly why in this section, but if you google "women safety Britain", it would be impossible not to find out why. It is horrific. It raises (more) trust

So what I'm asking of you is:

1. Which of the steps do each of you take with the hope of improving your safety outdoors in your area? Have they changed over the years, or with the times, or with where you've lived, or through different phases of your life, etc?

2. Do you have any immediate thoughts about the conflict between showing solidarity by gathering in-person and the discouragement from the authorities because of virus procedures?

3. And considering that a lot more of life has been forced online nowadays, which steps do you take to improve your online safety?
.

Just my 2 cents, Lydianne.

1. Which of the steps do each of you take with the hope of improving your safety outdoors in your area? Have they changed over the years, or with the times, or with where you've lived, or through different phases of your life, etc?

I know I will shock some here but the fact is that subconsciously in Western Societies we still consider that the place for FAB is 'at home' and for MAB is 'outside'. The consequence is a different education for boys and girls which leads to a social construction of insecurity for women outside of the home. At the end of the day we FAB have totally integrated as 'natural' that being outside is dangerous for us and we subconsciously and consciously adapt our behaviour to reduce the 'risks'. But is it a myth or a reality ? I am not saying that women are secure outside, too much sordid news items. But more serious studies are needed on this subject. Statistics for instance show that rapes are usually perpetrated by a person known by the women and not by a complete stranger. On the opposite women who go alone at night are more often abused... But only a minority of women are going alone at night because they avoid to be in this situation.

Carole Gardner (sociologist) listed 4 advices given to FAB since the XIXth century : avoid some places or situations especially at night, be accompanied, be discret, be humble. As you can judge by the GG responses, we continue to follow these principles.

I have been followed by men many times when leaving school or college. Besides a potential assault, I was also afraid to go home and let them know where I lived. I used to go to a department store trying to escape them in the crowd. It was really frightful.

As a teen my parents never let me go alone for parties, movies and so on. I had to find a female friend or later a boyfriend.

As an adult I feel more secure being accompanied at night (friend, husband,...). But I also have to go alone. So as the majority of the GGs I anticipate the dangers : flat shoes or sneakers (if running is needed), trousers, have a safe itinerate in mind (avoiding little streets, dark places, groups of men), pepper spray (not anymore), using a private car instead of the subway (but sooo scary to pick your car back in a desert parking lot), ... And of course being on my guard all the time. Not so easy at all to be an independent woman in a big city.

I have had some scary episodes in my life... during the day too... I was abroad for my job. Taking a cab from hotel to airport. Taxi driver began to flirt, I said I wasn't interested. Taxi driver insisted and began to take an exit in the middle of nowhere. Me trying to keep calm but in total panic mode inside. Talking to him again and again... Saying I had a co-worker waiting for me at the airport... No international cellphone at this time.... Finally the taxi driver came to reason and drove me to the airport. No physical harm done. But It was a traumatic experience. My heart still beats too fast when I write this right now.

So, that drives me mad when reading that GGs life is all frivoling. And reading CDs' posts about risky behaviours.

2. Do you have any immediate thoughts about the conflict between showing solidarity by gathering in-person and the discouragement from the authorities because of virus procedures?

Usually my first move in this context would have been to join. But due to COVID (not authorities) I prefer to avoid meetings until I have been vaccinated. This was a difficult decision for me to decide to not join the women's right march on March 8th for instance. Tough year for solidarity demonstration and more generally democracy.

3. And considering that a lot more of life has been forced online nowadays, which steps do you take to improve your online safety?

I avoid to post photos or give personal informations. Have strong passwords.
And as I am not looking for a a mate, I don't have to use date apps.

[Dutchess]

You know Miel , I had that happen to me in Washington DC in 1982 with a taxi driver . He drove me EVERYWHERE coming onto me . I was trying to get from Georgetown to the Capitol where my mom worked . Like you I was terrified , you are totally at the mercy of his guy in his car and no way out . He was getting ready to drive out into the Virginia countryside when at a red light I actually stepped out of the car and disappeared into traffic and then stepped up in the median then up in between some buildings on the other side of a very busy avenue on the opposite direction .
That stays with you a lifetime .

[Miel GG]

Dutchess thanks for your testimony. We are very few FABs here... But the fact that both of us have experienced the same although we lived in different continents should lead some to understand that women and men aren't still equal. Until we can do our outside activities all by ourselves, dressed as we want, day or night, without constant fear of harassment, assault, rape, ... we aren't free and in no way the equal of men.

What do you think yourself of this GG term? Is there a reason for not using GW instead?

I learned here that GG means Genetic Girl so I chose to add it to my pseudo as I am not belonging to CD or Trans group.
However I don't like it because I don't find it is respectful at all as we are not girls but women. Female At Birth would have been the right word.
I think on my part that the choice of GG instead of FAB is revealing a lot about CDs.... I am not a girl anymore and proud of it !

[ReineD]

however I would question the use of the term "girl" for designating grown-up women ...

I don't think of myself as a girl, nor do I refer to myself as one. The term "GG" doesn't sound like "girl" when you say it out loud and so to me, it has become this site's generic term for female.

This phenomenon is called using a proprietary eponym or a genericized trademark (I googled it ) ... like saying 'kleenex' for tissue or zipper for a clasp locker. lol

EDIT - Actually in the beginning, Leslie Caron always came to mind when I read the term "GG", because it sounds like the 1950's film "Gigi" with Maurice Chevalier. I saw the film in the 1970s.

[ReineD]

But the fact that both of us have experienced the same although we lived in different continents should lead some to understand that women and men aren't still equal. Until we can do our outside activities all by ourselves, dressed as we want, day or night, without constant fear of harassment, assault, rape, ... we aren't free and in no way the equal of men.

As a young woman, I also received unwanted attention by men. I still always felt safe. Maybe this is because the first 30 years of my life were spent in Canada and/or I was naive? I always did avoid walking alone very late at night in deserted areas. I lived in both Montreal and Vancouver, and there were always people walking around until quite late ... and so I felt I could go anywhere. But, this was Canada. Maybe it is different there now.

In more recent years, my car was parked in the isolated car park area that is away from the busy street full of restaurants and bars, and I did ask two young guys to walk me to my car one night when I stayed out quite late with my friend. We live in a small college town and there are always students around on the main street. They were very nice and they obliged ... I guess I reminded them of their moms. There have been assaults in this parking lot - but it is mostly men who have had their wallets and phones stolen. And one night my SO was driving home from his office quite late. The campus is large and rather isolated at night. He saw one of his male students who had been assaulted - the guy had a bloody nose. The thieves knocked him down and took his laptop. No one is safe around here late at night if they are alone. I don't know what it is - maybe there are more desperate people who need money for drug addictions?

EDITED TO ADD:
A big part of the safety theme in this thread centered around feeling safe while out in public. Lydianne's original question was, "What do you do to improve your safety outdoors in your area". So a thought belatedly occurred to me.

Did you all know that most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows? According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, 45% of rapes are committed by an acquaintance and an additional 25% by a former intimate partner. I was raped when I was 17, by my 18 year-old neighbor - the son of my mother's good friend and a school mate. He needed a date to accept an award in a city a few hours away and I had agreed to go, with the blessings of both his mother and mine. He raped me in my room at the hotel when I was getting ready for the evening. What could I have done to keep myself safe under these circumstances? Not much. But in public spaces, I never really worried about my safety - provided I didn't walk around alone in deserted, dark places late at night ... which most men would also be wise to avoid. I would never jog at night in NYC Central Park, for example. I would keep to well lit city streets.

[Crissy 107]

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful Mothers we have on this site

How do you plan on spending today?

[Dutchess]

Thank you Crissy ! I am going on one of my long hikes in the Sierra's again this AM .I find such peace up there .

[char GG]

Thank you. Our son is coming for lunch. Our daughter lives three hours away and we saw her a few days ago. My day will be getting outside and enjoying the crazy, cold, spring weather.

[ellbee]

Greetings, GG's! Hope you're peachy!! :wave2:


This might, at least at first glance, sound like a really stupid & even nosy question, but I do have to ask.

Answer if you may...


Do the GG's here ever have discussion amongst themselves regarding something in the public forums, in particular?

Could be a specific thread, or subject, or post, or person, or photo, or issue that an unrelated CD'er is currently going through, or whatever.


Does something like this ever spur a conversation between you ladies?


Thanks!

[Di]

Mostly we talk about our life or help new GGs that join.
We occasionally say something about a post ( cannot remember ever talking about photos) but we already have said our feelings, advice in the OP post in open forum. We might ask if the other GGs see it as we do.
But our relationships, life is most important to us .

Some GGs ( esp new ones) do not like to even read or go onto the reg forum at all.

[TamT]

Questions:

I know it is unfair that a woman does not know that her future husband is a CD, because she was not given the opportunity to choose whether or not she wanted to continue with the relationship, but if she has discovered it already married, do you think she could ever to accept it?

I understand that it is a great loss of confidence. What advice could you give her?

From your point of view, what could I do to reaffirm to her that I am still the same person as always?

[char GG]

Just a reminder to the newer people for this section: It's for a question to be asked of the GG's. The GG answers. There is no back and forth discussion in this thread.



TamaraToros,

I understand that it is a great loss of confidence. What advice could you give her?

Well, it's a complicated question. Are they really the same? Were they hiding this when they got married or did it "suddenly" come on late in life (as was the case with my husband). It's hard to give a wife any advice without knowing the specifics of the husband's commitment to his wife vs CDing. Maybe they are the same person on the outside but inside has changed. It could certainly vary and/or change. A question that I had when my hubby started CDing was, "what is the end game"? Did he stick to it? Does he secretly or not so secretly want to go further? Is he excited for the wife to leave so he can CD? Does he think that by pushing (which the GG's call the drip drip drip method), that he will somehow get his wife "patterned" to CDing. This is usually an obvious ploy/trick which in my case, would have definitely made me angry, backfire, and not trust any of his answers to my questions.

Each relationship is different and there is no "one answer fits all" to your question.

In my case, my husband has assured to me over and over that he is committed to our relationship over and above CDing. That may not be true for everyone.

From your point of view, what could I do to reaffirm to her that I am still the same person as always?

You are the only one that can answer this question. Do you love her the same? Treat her the same? Do you think she gets in the way of your CDing? I can't answer any of that.

One of the GG's here met her hubby as a CDer.

[Di]

Great question TamT,
Tell her and show her in every way you can.
I usually say for the cd to say I am the person you love, nothing has changed except now you know everything. Sorry I hid it I was afraid.
Please now that she does know do not go crazy with the pink fog.