Maybe "happy" was actually a poor substitute for "no longer carrying the anxiety of living a non-authentic life". It's rare that I even consider my gender as I move about my day and that's an incredible relief that allows me to notice all the other things in life hidden beneath that old anxiety. I've been getting out and although I'm still limited by Covid that just won't go away, I've been reconnecting with my inner circle of family and friends. That helps and has recharged the batteries a little at last, but it still leaves me alone a lot more than I need.
I'm attempting to make new connections but it's difficult, I think partly because I'm not used to feeling quite this vulnerable and feeling as though I've not had the chance to learn to socialize as a woman (Carly nailed that one). The other continuing issue remains Covid, it's so difficult for me to make connections, meaningful or otherwise with others over Zoom. It's so hard to pick up cues from body language, for example, when all you can see is an often poorly lighted face. I'm still attempting to find others in my age range, most of the groups I've had contact with are filled with 20-40 year-olds, much younger and with very different life experiences than me. I'm attempting to get involved with a seniors group, but the coordinator remains unavailable.
So I'm no longer running on empty, but I am running on hope and I'm getting some encouragement and that helps, even if it doesn't meet my long range needs. As I said earlier, I'm in reassessment and recalibration mode for now. Things will improve damnit or I'll go full Karen and demand to speak to the manager!
