During my adult life, I've continuously battled to try and understand myself. I've questioned why it is that I'm wired differently to other males and why I need to dress in womens clothing. I've asked myself why it is that I'm attracted to feminine things such as makeup, jewellery, perfumes etc. What is that makes me look at women and wish I had their hairstyle or bodyshape? Why is it when I see women wearing pretty outfits I need to have those outfit too?
GENDER DYSPHORIA?
Many a time I've questioned whether I feel the need to be a full time female but truthfully the answer is no. I've never felt that I've been born in the wrong body and it was only when reaching puberty that I started to to crossdress. Through mid adolescence there was something thrilling and erotic about dressing in womens clothes, however by the time I'd reached my early twenties dressing for erotic thrills had lessened and I found myself wanting to be more like a woman whenever I dressed.
I began to buy wigs, makeup, jewellery and perfumes, I started shaving my body hair and eventually I got my ears pierced. I bought hip & butt enhancers and breast forms too, all tricks of the trade for creating a feminine shape.
Whenever I dressed and donned a wig and makeup I'd look in the mirror and I would get hung up on how I looked. Despite all my best efforts I always felt I needed to do more to create that perfect vision of what I wanted to be.
For such a long time I've always looked at transgender women with envious eyes. I am jealous of their transformations, how feminine they have become, their female looks, their smooth skin and their new upper body appendages.
I used used to question whether I was transgender or not and according to what I've read on the internet, some would say yes whilst others would say no. I'm still no clearer to be honest, but to be on the safe side I don't say I'm transgender any more and instead use the term crossdresser.