Second break up because of crossdressing

[Alice92]

I know that many crossdressers have to deal with a non-supportive wife. The same issue can exist in the gay community too. Indeed, my boyfriend didn't like that I crossdress and wanted to play the role of his girlfriend from time to time. He said things like "I love men, not sissies" or "You reinforce the effeminate gay cliche"... I can understand his stand of manly gay and fight against stereotypes but I'm so disappointed that he can't understand the non-binary or transgender point of view, nor even the fact it's not the love for women's clothes that makes you a "weak sissy". So we broke up for the second time! We are definitely not made for each others. That's sad but there are still plenty of beautiful men and women who may not be bothered by my inconstant gender. I still have hope... Bi people are probably the ideal ones

[SaraLin]

I'm sorry to hear of your breakup, but it definitely sounds like you two had some real compatibility issues.
But on the bright side - you're now free to find Mr/Ms right!

[Kris Burton]

So sorry to hear of your breakup Alice. Breaking up is always painful but to echo SaraLin's statement, your issues of compatibility and philosophy were deal-breakers in the eyes of many, and better to deal with that sooner rather than later. It appears also that the experience has allowed you to clarify your own needs in a relationship, and can move on with confidence that you will find the right person for you.

[kimdl93]

Sorry to hear about the break up. Having two failed LTRs in my own life, I know how it feels. Best to look forward.

[ChrisP]

Prejudice has no gender. I've heard gay friends (who don't know about my proclivities) complain about men they consider "effeminate" and how it makes the gay male community look bad.
Our sexualities aren't some sort of political opinion.
It's fine to not like something on a personal basis, but disparaging crossdressing as handicapping a particular group or being "misogynistic" shows how ignorant that person is about human nature.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I know you'll find a much better partner.

[GretchenM]

So sorry to hear about your breakup. It is hard to be rejected by someone you care about - not much in life that is more difficult.

I think a good deal of the problem with prejudice, which ChrisP brought up, is the general difficulty associated with LABELS and their definitions. There is a tendency for many people to deal with labels as if they are cast in bronze. They are no more than generalizations taken from a very large and quite variable group of individuals that all deviate to some degree from the rigid definition and often find themselves well beyond the boundaries of the stereotype the label and its definition create. They are nothing more than guidelines with very fussy boundaries. We all need to be aware of them, but we should not live by them.

So, perhaps the key is to throw away the labels for the most part and just look at compatibility indications between you and whoever. Not saying you don't do that, but when we tend to see boundaries we should look more closely at content. The idea that effeminate gays give gays a bad name is no more true that CD's give men a bad name. The boundaries are whatever we define them to be - they really aren't there.

[Alice92]

Thanks for your support You're all right. I'm not saying I'm not sad but I was so tired of trying to make this impossible relationship work. This breakup is quite relieving. The idea of men and women forced to respect the masculine and feminine roles created by society is horrible in my eyes. Labels are really frustating, it seems like I can't find the right ones, I have always been rejected for a reason or another. But now I don't care about finding the right words defining who I am. It's clearly not important. I dream of a genderless world, just people being who they want to be, sleeping with who they want... Like Eric Andre said "There's no such thing as sexual orientation, or race, or gender. Those all are obsolete man-made concepts". So now I gonna stop crying and put on my dress

[Pumped]

Also, don't let it get you down. There is nothing wrong with either of you, simply, you just were not compatible. People get hung up with "what is wrong with me" when they just have not found the correct person. People break up for all different reasons, not just cross dressing.

[Cheryl T]

There are more fish in the sea. Keep trying and don't give up.

[ziggie]

Sorry things didn't work out. As others have said, it seems that there were a number of issues, none of which reflect on either of you as a person but were working against the relationship.

[docrobbysherry]

U appear to be young, Alice? Too young to settle down with the wrong partner!

Just remember the old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs!

[Ginawannabe]

Alice, Never give up. The right person is out there for you. You just have to keep looking and smiling.

[Pumped]

Kind of a side note, but I got married young and divorced early on, 21 years old and one marriage down. I can say I wasn't the perfect spouse, but my wife was even worse. Once I realized we were going down hill she had given up and was running around behind my back. I tried to save it but she was gone.

No in hindsight I am glad, she was an awful person to spend the rest of my life with. Certainly more so when I compared her to my current wife of 30 years. At the time it was hard and frustrating and I wondered what I could have done differently, but i dodged a bullet so to speak.

She went on and got married again, had three children and was divorced before the first one barely got to school age and the youngest was in diapers!

My wife today is an absolute doll. I am still madly in love with her and she is my best friend. I have guy friends give me crap about hanging out with them when they find out I would rather be with her. 60 years old and she is slim and trim, and still looks great.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't give up. There is someone for everyone, it can be a struggle to find that person, but you need to keep yourself available, keep trying, keep dating. You will find more bad matches before you are done. Don't force the relationship. If it does not come along naturally it isn not the right person.

When I got divorced I was actively looking for a mate and dated quite a few women until my wife showed up. I can't remember but maybe twenty women got "interviewed" over the next months. Many were done the first date, some hung on here a bit longer. When I decided it wasn't working with a woman I was dating I told her she was a great lady, but I could see we just were not the right match. A few of them I run into from time to time and there are still hugs and a bit of catching up. I have had a couple of them tell my wife she got lucky snagging me!

[britskye]

Sorry it didn't work out for you Alice. Definitely a fear of mine with my wife.

[Wendy-Lyn]

I tend to think that if crossdressing alone is enough to break a relationship, then it's not a solid relationship in the first place. I'm not talking about going the estrogen, surgery and transition route - that could, understandably, end even sound relationships.
But to walk out on someone solely because they cross-dress, while everything else they are and have achieved counts for nothing - well, the crossdresser is probably better-off without you and your closed mind.
I've given this a lot of thought recently, as I'm currently looking for a (GG) partner - and if I meet someone who I hit it off with, that person will be told up-front that I dress, and that, like it or not, it's part of the 'package' which is me - but that aspects of it are negotiable (ie no going out in public en-femme, no-one but the two of you to know, etc). The door will then be open, and it's up to them whether they walk through, or stay. Basically, if they want me, then either Wendy comes along for the ride, or the train stays in the station. I don't have the time or the patience to play games any longer.

[Jessica Secret]

Sorry to hear that Alice, I happen to have a boyfriend (we're both bi) and he's been accepting, supportive and encouraging from the day I told him so not all situations with men are like yours. Keep your head up and I'm sure there's a guy for you out there who would be accepting of you and would love you for you. Please remember that if you accept yourself it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[Ricky Rayne]

So many words of wisdom on here, and like others here I didnt find my special one until i went through a couple bad ones. All the bad ones did was reinforce who I was and what I was looking for!
Keep your head held high, Be you and true to who you are and the right people will fall into place. Things always get better!

[Marissa Q]

As you say, Alice, finding a special bi-sexual someone for yourself might be a good path. My own experience reveals that others who have a similar sliding scale regarding personal gender roles often make wonderful companions; even if they don't turn out to be a good boyfriend-match right off the bat, at the very least it will allow you to explore your own needs with a lot less explanation.

[alwayshave]

Alice, I'm so sorry. I'm sure there is someone out there who will accept you for you.

[JulieC]

Alice, congratulations on your breakup! Seriously, I don't offer condolences because I think this is a great step forward for you. Life is too short to accept the situation you were in. Moving forward, you'll learn from this. I think you can see that accepting someone who doesn't accept you fully isn't the way forward. I eventually embraced this and just refused to continue dating people who didn't appreciate and accept me...all of me. You can find this too. Just don't find yourself a year or two years into a relationship with someone who doesn't accept and appreciate you. It's just not worth it.

[Karren H]

U appear to be young, Alice? Too young to settle down with the wrong partner!

Just remember the old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs!

I never heard that old saying? I think you just made that up! Lol

Alice, he was not good enough for you! Do not go out and kiss any frogs! You get warty lips!

[Alice92]

I never heard that old saying? I think you just made that up! Lol

Alice, he was not good enough for you! Do not go out and kiss any frogs! You get warty lips!

I'm french, I'm used to eat frogs!

Thanks for all these words of wisdom. I was afraid that I had been too selfish for our relationship.

[Pumped]

"I was afraid that I had been too selfish for our relationship."

You can be whatever you want to be. It may make it harder to find a mate, but you can put what ever conditions on a relationship you want. Then it is up to you to find a person that freely accepts those conditions. Too many people hold back their true self until deeply into a relationship then wonder why they finally admit and the other person bails.

If you are up front with a potential new mate, then it is up to them to decide on your conditions of the relationship, just as it is up to you to accept or deny their conditions.

Conditions may be a bit of a harsh word, but seriously, that is what it is!

When I got divorced I was fairly specific for a new wife. She had to be slim and trim, feminine and a nonsmoker, no conditions on height or hair color. I went out on a date with one gal that was gorgeous, but half way through the night she pulled out a pack of cigarettes. We finished the night, I told her she was a wonderful lady, but we just didn't click. I wasn't going to pressure her about smoking. If she wants to smoke, fine, but she needed to find someone that accepts that condition.

A couple guys tried to fix me up with ladies that were heavier. I went out with one, never had met her. Again, she was a nice gal, but I wanted slim and trim. i got a lot of crap about it from friends, being shallow and what not, but I simply stated it was like any other preference, some guy like blondes, some guys like brunettes, some guys like thin women, some like them a bit thicker. If that was shallow, I was shallow! (If it maters, my first wife was a bit on the heavy side and a smoker, so I had tried that!)

I won out in the end!

[Kay Adams GG]

WOW Alice, Many Words of Wisdom You've been Given

I won't repeat once again what the others have so eloquently stated.
I am very Sorry for Your Recent Disruption in Your relationship; although it does sound as though it was off and on.
My Vantage Point on this is From Having 4 Marriages and Many More Engagements than I care to admit to. My Current Marriage is going on 25 years now. I do eat Frog legs and haven't gotten any warts from it. lol I used to use the Term: I've Kissed a LOT of Toads...however after hearing some of the remarks on this, I may have to express my failed relationships in another way. lol
My Last/Current SO came out after we'd been Married for about 15 years. She didn't realize what she was feeling and had been feeling since she was very young; so, how could she be up Front with me from the Very Beginning? She Couldn't, she didn't understand what it meant at that time...she's since became a Member of this Forum 10 years ago and has Grown in Stages. It's been very Interesting watching her aha moments as she discovers what and where she wants to be in this new life. We've had to set up some Boundaries as we go along, you don't know that there's a question to be asked until it becomes an issue. Now, I've been on the Forum for less than one week and I'm just amazed of how many Different Scenarios there!

I guess that the Bottom Line comes from a Poem that I wrote when I was 23. It basically was a Battle Cry about not being put in a Box and Being Labeled, then just placed on a shelf in alphabetical order and forgotten and taken for Granted. I still don't like to be taken for Granted and don't expect others to like it either. We are ALL different and Have VALUE! In dealing with others, I've been using the skiing technique of keeping your legs limber and slightly flexed to be prepared for the next mogul/hump/challenge. If a Stiff and unbending Position is Maintained, there's NO room for Change...everything living Grows and Changes CONSTANTLY.

Please, find someone who is able to Grow with you and Accepts their own Evolutions also, as well as yours. Grow together; you may not Know Everything to tell the new person up front, but you can assure them that you'll Communicate as Honestly as you can and will keep that Door open as things come up. I Hope that you Find that Special Person who is willing to Adventure with you and enjoy it also. It's FUN discovering new things about yourself and others too.

Peace be with you as You travel this Life.

[Alice92]

Great posts here again, I'm really glad I joined this forum. Thanks