I love this thread and thank you for starting it, Kris. I'd like to posit outright that anyone (including myself) who is hiding their femininity/CD'ing from their SO's or the world in general but is happily displaying it here in these semi-private forums has, de facto, an alternate and delineated persona. You can't say they're adequately "merged" with your masculine persona or alter-ego if you're keeping her tucked away. I'd also like to state that having a clearly delineated social persona is nothing worrisome; after all, each of us has had MANY personas throughout our lifetimes -- work personas, husband personas, father personas, et. al. Surely your "at church" persona isn't the same as your "drinking beer, watching the Super Bowl" persona, is it? If you've discovered a new, more feminine one, more power to all of us. And if your female persona, as it were, is hyper-sensualized or inwardly (and, often overtly) more sexual in tone than your male self ever was, this too is a pointer to a more clearly delineated portion of your selfhood.
I'm always surprised how many of us associate our female personas only with the moments in which we are dressed en femme. What about the times we're dressed in drab, but eagerly reading/posting here? Is the female persona non-existent without the clothing? Is our outward appearance required to fully trigger our femininity? I'm certain it helps a great deal visually, but is that all there is? Crossing an historically-traditional (and antiquated) binary gender line is no small feat, but my sense in reading myriad posts over the last few months is that -- generally speaking -- there are more hours spent talking and thinking about crossdressing than those hours actually spent dressed. That fact points further to the fact that -- if you have a female persona of some sort -- it's quite a bit more omnipresent than you think.
As for myself, Marissa is a clearly delineated persona and I fully embrace the part, not only with clothing but in mannerisms and speech as well. Do note that you don't have to radically change the pitch of your voice to be altering it; if you find that you at least soften your vocal tones, or speak with a slightly different cadence, you are still changing your voice. Ever since I embraced crossdressing, Marissa is a constant presence in my life; like many, I think she was always there, but I just didn't have the guts to let her show. Readers should note that I have never been a hyper-masculine male and haven't ever tried to be one; it simply has never been in me. I'm also comfortable saying that I have sexual desires for men and am very comfortable with my bisexuality. In bed with men, I've always desired to be a more submissive counterpart, a direct contradiction to sexual acts with women throughout my life. As such, the "coming out" of Marissa over these last few years hasn't really seemed that alarming to me; the need to be feminine has had a direct, tangible tie to my sexuality, and I believe it to be a driving force for me. Sexuality, whether expressed or hidden away, is such a defining power for so much in our lives that I am simply incapable of disconnecting my crossdressing from it; sexuality is a core value, not an ancillary one.
Yet, like others in this thread, my Marissa "persona" is a hyper-extension of my internalized self. More flamboyant, more sensual, more provocative, more over-the-top in physical expression and attire. Is she a more interesting "me"? I don't really think so. Hey, I'm a pretty interesting guy in drab as well! To add, my male self is a helluva lot more social because, well, I'm still holding onto the common fear of being inappropriately judged for being at least "half" Marissa. Paradoxically, it's not Marissa who's suffering at all; it's my male persona that's doing all the heavy-lifting as far as fear is concerned.
Kris makes a great point about some psychologists having a proverbial field day with this bifurcation and its proximity to a split-personality archetype; however, I think we're all happy to know that such a diagnosis would be more firmly rooted in a past where "normal" was a lot less nuanced than (happily) it is today. However, I do question her statement:
I sort of feel the same throughout my day, but the facts don't exactly bear this out. A day doesn't pass where I'm not -- at least subconsciously -- planning my next "Marissa time". I check these forums several/many times a day. I read/watch/listen to crossdressing blogs, videos and podcasts throughout the week. I do SO much for Marissa -- even though I'm in male mode most of the time -- that I have to question if she's really not the one "driving the bus." I mean, if you've posted on hundreds/thousands of threads regarding your crossdressing but haven't spent an equivalent amount of time in an opposing hyper-masculine endeavor (e.g., posting in a forum wherein you fervently and lovingly talk about your masculinity in some way), exactly what is your reality? Add up all the time you spend on/with her. You're not in 'femme' mode only when you're dressed any more than you're in 'male' mode, dressed in drab, but thinking about crossdressing.Originally Posted by Kris Burton
There are literally tens of thousands of posts here discussing in one way or another how to successfully integrate our female sides with our male sides, and such an act is an inclusive one. Then there are the tens of thousands of posts which talk about the physical act of reducing our maleness (body hair, shoulder width, waist sizes, breast shape, etc.) when en femme, and those acts are entirely eliminative in nature. And you would be incredibly hard-pressed to find a post which advocates a similarly eliminative stance towards embracing one's feminine side/persona. No one ever states that someone should stop discovering and loving their femininity. There is ample negativity heaped upon overt masculinity (often described as restricting or even toxic), and absolutely nothing but positivity when it comes to all things feminine.
In light of the above, does anyone think her male persona is "driving the bus"? I can pretend she's not, but my female persona has at least one hand on the wheel which, Ouija-like, my male persona finds itself all too often moving in the direction she wants, regardless of whether I'm dressed en femme or not. And gosh love her for it, too.
