SO acceptance and looks

[ReineD]

This is one of my favorite topics - trying to figure out what motivates a wife to feel or not feel one way or the other about an aspect of CDing.

It seems the consensus in this thread is that wives prefer their CD husbands to not look like a "ridiculous man in a dress", but it would be too much if he looked "better than her" while dressed. And so many of you believe that the magic position is somewhere in the middle, which implies that if a CDer accomplishes this then his wife will find herself in the happy place of acceptance.

I'd like to weigh in as a GG.

My feelings for my SO have nothing to do with looks. I may have been attracted by something physical in him at the beginning such as his eyes or his smile, but it is the inner being that I love regardless of how he looks or is dressed. I dare say this applies to most couples who have been together for years. Do husbands stop loving their wives as they age, get wrinkles, put on weight, or stop wearing the fashions they wore as younger women? I don't think so.

That said, many people don't like the way they themselves age. My mother put on quite a bit of weight past middle age and she was always envious of my dad's ability to eat what he wanted and not get fat. She would make comments like "I wish I had your body". I can imagine that had my father been a CDer, he would have taken it like many of you here: that my mother was envious of how much "better" my father looked than her. This was not the case at all. My mother did not compare her femininity to my father's looks. She simply wished she was not so fat. So to the CDers who believe their wives are jealous at how much "better" the CDers look than their wives, I'm guessing that you are very far from the truth.

Another truth: there is indeed prejudice in our society about CDers. The stereotype is of a garish looking CDer with a badly fitting wig, smeared lipstick badly applied, and inappropriate clothing making him look too obviously like a man in a dress whose motives for dressing are somehow depraved. But, there is a difference between a wife having in her mind's eye a hazy image of the stereotypical CDer, and seeing her husband dressed in women's clothes even if he isn't passable. As long as a husband does not obviously look like he dresses strictly for fetish, a wife will not see her husband in the same light as this nebulous CD character she may imagine when she thinks of CDers in general. She will see her husband for who he is: the husband that she loves who is wearing women's clothes, and who still looks like her husband whether he passes or not. And if she doesn't like the idea of CDing in general, she will not like that her husband crossdresses regardless of how he looks.

Many of you also mention that it is better to "look good", than to look like a man in a dress. I don't know whether you have in your mind's eye the image of the stereotypical CDer mentioned above and you don't really define what is "looking good" or "looking well", but you need to know that most people who interact with CDers do know they are male no matter how they are attired.

Another concern is the way that many CDers objectify women. If a wife takes personal affront at this, then she may object to the look if it is overly sexual, such as huge boobs or butts under skin-tight and/or too short clothing. But again, this is not jealously. Most women take great care to not look like they are trolling for men when they dress for special occasions.

The last concern is the appearance that it might be "something more than the CDing". Many wives fear the slippery slope of CDing, and believe that a husband who starts wearing breast forms, butt padding, wigs, and who starts shaving body hair, piercing his ears, growing fingernails, is on his way to wanting to be a woman full time. I don't personally believe this and instead believe that my SO did all these things because he enjoyed going out dressed and wished to do what he could to not obviously look like a man in a dress while out, even though people did know he was male when they inspected him closely. So again, the fear that the CDing might eventually lead to a condition that would rob a wife of her husband is a strong motivator for any objection she might have. Not jealousy.

You must all be careful not to project your own feelings/wishes/prejudices onto your wives. So the solution is, don't overly emphasize boobs, butts, legs, makeup when you dress. Try to dress like normal women. But other than that, whether or not your wives accept will have everything to do with their general attitudes about the CDing (whether or not they think it is OK for their husbands to wear women's clothing), and not how you look or whether or not you are passable. And if your wife fears that you will transition, then do try to respect her feelings and not push it too far.

Sorry for the length of this post but you will appreciate there are many factors to this discussion.