Geena,
I can relate somewhat to what you are saying.
All my life I was a closeted lingerie fetish cross dresser. My wife passed away one year ago and six months after she passed I started getting the urge to dress fully and go out in public en femme. I agree with Nancy that CD'ing can definitely be a form of escape. That same point was raised by the bereavement counselor I talk to on a regular basis who knows about Fiona. She cautioned me not to use CD'ing as a way of completely shutting out the grief and emotions from my wife's death. Her thinking is that by doing so you only interfere with the long, necessary, unpleasant process of learning how to deal with the grief. Additionally, by using it as a complete escape, it only becomes harder to deal with the flood of emotions that come roaring back when you return to male mode. So I have learned to deal with whatever emotions arise when I am Fiona and not to shut them out. I even visit my wife's grave dressed en femme which is just another way of insuring that being Fiona is not solely an escape from reality. And after thinking through everything I have come to the wonderful conclusion that being Fiona is just the real me emerging and not just a temporary escape from reality.
