Progress? Maybe an inch at a time

[Rhonda Jean]

A week or so ago I said I'd definitely wear nail polish around some family at Christmas. Didn't happen. I didn't chicken out, things just didn't work out for a number of reasons.

GF and I are using up the rest of our vacation and then some, so we're headed out of town this evening through some time next week. Mani pedis tomorrow and I'm not taking my polish off till I go back to work. I'll have red nails for whatever we do and wherever we go. No family, and presumably won't see anybody we know. We're planning at least one night with me fully en femme. Maybe NYE, maybe not. I'm packing my wig (shocker!!). If I go through with it, and I think I will, it'll be my first time fully done (depending on what you call fully done) in, well, a long time. I feel kind of blah about it, really. My how things have changed! Except for one outfit, the rest of my clothes will be the inbetween (leggings, etc.) that I've become comfortable with. I find it kind of funny thinking about how my one totally male outfit (untucked dress shirt, jeans, cowboy boots) will look with my red nails, but that's the way it's going to be. I already know when/where I'm wearing that. Not sure I'll carry my purse that night. That'll be a game time decision. What's playing in my head is what we hear on the forum so frequently, "Give her her MAN for at least one of those nights". Welll, hmmm. The leggings and sweaters don't really disqualify me as the "man", but the nails probably swing it decidedly away from it. Adding the purse probably swings it too far, even though it's a long way from fem. I think implied in the "give her her man" thing is masculine. I'm not even sure how I resolve the masculine thing with the jeans, boots, and red nail polish. I think I resolve it by knowing that she doesn't have a problem with my nail polish, and if it doesn't look masculine enough for whatever strangers we encounter, so what.

Anyway, I've spent a couple hundred dollars on makeup in the past couple of months and haven't worn it at all that I recall. 'Bout time. Hoping I can pull off a modestly low cut top and cleavage. Seems like ancient history since I've done that. What I'm really looking forward to is getting totally away for several days, reconnecting, and letting our hair down (what I have left!). There hasn't been a lot of fun on the agenda since COVID. I'm definitely excited about that!

[Diane P]

Rhonda, go for it girl! Here's hoping you have a wonderful time and a great New Year's Eve, however you decide to do it!

[Heather76]

What better way to greet the new year than to let Rhonda go wild on New Year's Eve?

[Fiona_44]

Have a blast Rhonda. Go paint the town red!

[Ursula Harrison]

I can certainly relate to plans being messed up by Covid.
So I hope you have a great time and your 2022 goes out with a bang!

[bridget thronton]

Have a great New Year with your great wife

[Debbie Denier]

Sounds like a happier New year for you Rhonda

[Helen_Highwater]

Sounds like a plan's coming together. Make this a New Year to remember.

[Crissy 107]

Hi Rhonda, I love your post and your attitude, sounds like you two have a great plan. Enjoy your vacation girl!

[GretchenM]

It sounds like a great getaway for you and your supportive wife. My only caution is to stay within your wife's boundaries, whatever those are. It is easy to get carried away and go too far.

As for the masculine, that also has a lot of variations available. Be yourself and don't let masculine stereotypes guide you. Those stereotypes are always the killers whether masculine or feminine.

[alwayshave]

Rhonda, That sounds like a wonderful getaway. Enjoy.

[Simple pleasures]

Hope you had a fabulous time and it all went smoothly for you.

[Rhonda Jean]

Update:
Thanks for the good thoughts, everybody! I did go out fully en femme for the first time in a long time and I did wear burgundy nail polish for over a week. No hiding it with gloves or hands in pockets. I was determined to own it, and I did. I used to do that often enough that you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, but is sorta was. Now that I can look back on all this I guess I'd give it a 5. Nothing bad, but I definitely chose the wrong venue (the vacation part) to do it. This was a VERY conservative place. Couples and couples with kids. Truthfully, I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't been doing what I was doing. I was distracted and self conscious every time we were out.

I'll not put this as eloquently as I wish I could. Maybe I'll come up with a better description later, but... I used to dress to satisfy kind of a constant urge or a desperate inner feeling. A simmering or boiling pot. Now I seem to be doing the reverse. Dressing to try to get that feeling back. It has not worked. While we were gone, I fully dressed one day for about 8 hours. I wore a little makeup every day and, of course, had my nails done. It felt nothing like it used to feel, which is very disappointing. I strongly considered that that might be my last time. I now feel like it definitely won't be, but I'll be a lot more selective about where and when I make my next outing. I am going to push myself on the nail polish thing, though. That's a separate thing from crossdressing for me. Having my nails done in a salon has been a little gift to myself for decades now, and even as my interest in dressing has waned, I still love that. It's such a cool thing to do with my GF, and even a fun thing to do with one of my male friends. I'm more self conscious about wearing it in public, but it's something I feel good about working through.

I don't know when my next full-on outing will be. I am totally unrestricted on when I could do it, but I'm not feeling it. I was pretty happy with my male makeup, and I'll continue that on a more frequent basis. Leggings and oversize tops will still be my non-work outfit of choice. I'd love it if the "urge" came back tomorrow, but I'm not feeling it.

Oh, one thing I about forgot. I had forgotten how good it felt to wear a lot of jewelry!! Jewelry has always been kind of an afterthought for me, but totally went overboard on the jewelry, and that's the thing that was most like visiting an old friend. I wore my big silver saucer earrings for the first time in at least 8 years, my big pendant necklace and every ring and bracelet I had that even sort of matched. I did love the jingle of my big earrings and feeling them sway against my neck. Probably the closest I felt to "Ahh yes! There it is!" as anything I did, and that was totally unexpected.

Hope I'm not boring everybody with my "slow return" posts. Thanks for the encouragement!!

[Lana Mae]

My, my, Rhonda! You must, "Let yourself, Be yourself!"
"Truthfully, I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I hadn't been doing what I was doing." Sounds like guilt! What were you doing that was so wrong?
" I was distracted and self conscious every time we were out!" Distracted by what? Self conscious is not Letting you be you! Maybe guilt again?
You have a right to be out regardless of where it is! Not so much in a biker bar, but you know what I mean!
Little steps are fine! Crossdressing should be like your nail polish!
Hugs and best wishes Lana Mae

[Rhonda Jean]

Lana Mae,
Thanks for the encouragement. I've been at it for a LONG time. Maybe too long. I've just lost my mojo (and my figure, and my long hair, and, and...) It had a lot to do with the venue. Should have known better. Opportunities at more acceptable venues are coming. We'll see if I'm into it.

It's pretty obvious that what I'm really trying to do is turn back the clock 10, 20 (50?!?) years. We all know how that works. I don't know that I ever envisioned myself doing this at age 60+. I see plenty of you girls who pull it off marvelously. I'm not one who does. I have to adjust to that if I'm going to continue, and that's what I intend to do.

[kimdl93]

Rhonda Jean, I totally get the adjustments one must make to accommodate aging as a transgender person. Its hard enough to cover the usual telltale signs of being born male. Add to that the physical changes of aging and finding flattering and age appropriate styles?its a lot to manage!

[Simple pleasures]

I?m sorry to read this Rhonda but it has been something Ive read quite a lot over the years where some people lose the urge or desire to dress. Invariably it does seem to return though. Good luck with your future endeavours and I guess you will find out yourself whether you want to continue.
Paige