Hi, Jenny - have you explored the possibility that the femme self you enjoy exploring IS the real you? I felt many of the same things a number of years ago as I began to explore my true self (a deep dive as I called it) ...with the help of a gender therapist, I came to embrace what I knew (suspected) all of my life...in that emotionally and psychologically, I was in fact female. It sounds like talking to someone who can help you sort things out would be beneficial. I wish you the best!
BIG hug!
Shawna
