Yep. Well... Thank you!

You bring up an important side effect of this thing we do. I, and I'm sure most of us, learn concealment at an early age. Not one person ever in my whole life has ever known EVERYTHING about me. It's a pattern of behavior that is very deeply ingrained in me. I can't imagine what the freedom must feel like to have that one person in your life who knows every nuance of you right down to your soul and loves you even more! My mother came close, but things (and I) were simpler then. My wife was close. Very close in the beginning, then as time went on there was more I just couldn't talk about.

When I was a kid there were things my mother allowed, but I'd ask her to not tell my dad. Sometimes she didn't. I certainly kept a lot of things from my friends, or everybody other than my mother, really. When my wife and I were dating, there were things I asked my mother not to tell her. She told her everything, and was a valuable confidant to my wife. Of course, nobody at work has ever known much about me at all. I've never had a friend who knew me on any kind of a deep level. The closest I've ever come to that was the lady who was my hairdresser for a long time. But, she knew more about "this" aspect of me but she didn't know where I worked or lived, etc.. It's not like she was coming over to the house. Even the people I was/am out to, I don't think any of them have ever seen me in male mode. Only a couple even know I have a male mode. The point is, I grew up being comfortable about lying about it, or at least not telling the whole truth, and that's always been acceptable to me. That being comfortable about lying doesn't extend to other parts of my life. It's just this part, but this is a big part. I don't even think of it as lying. Not telling is not the same as lying about it (to me). It's kind of a survival thing, and has been for my whole life.

I've said many times on here (back when I was married) "I don't hide anything!". To me, the fact that I didn't hide my clothes, makeup, etc. was "not hiding" which meant open and honest. She knew what I was doing (to an extent) when I went out of town. Not in any detail, although I would have told her (I think). I always kind of gave myself a pat on the back because I was just doing boring things. Not cheating or even looking to meet anybody at all was (and still is) the biggest thing to me. Still, there were a few times that I'm glad she didn't ask. I NEVER thought I was in a DADT, but in some ways I was. I bet there are very few of us (and not just "us") who don't hold back a little. It's kind of sad that there are people on this forum who know more about me (at least this part of me) than anybody else in my life.

I get really frustrated on here (and I'm apparently the only one) every time somebody says, "I came out as a crossdresser to my ____". I understand that that's a big deal, but it's the very pointed end of a huge cone, and probably (usually) just says "Now I'm going to start teaching you what I want you to know.". Pick the two of us on this forum who you think are the most alike. They're both crossdressers. That word, that one word, is exactly where the similarity ends. So, what does telling someone you're a crossdresser even say? It has the same value as saying "I like red", except you're not embarrassed to say you like red.

After decades of doing this in a pretty big way, my sense of what matters is pretty warped compared to someone just coming into this from either side. There are things that I don't think should even move the needle off zero, but I know that's the decades of doing it talking, and not reality for anybody else (even in my own relationships!). I know that before the needle has even moved for me, somebody else's has pegged out.

I was (and am, to a lesser extent now) selectively blind to a lot of things. There are some male mode pics of me from my distant past that show a pretty shocking degree of this selective blindness. I only have two of them in my possession now (that's another story), but I remember some others that I was pretty proud of at the time. I assure you that now they freak me out, in a "WTH was I thinking" kind of way. I think a lot of us are afflicted with this selective blindness, whether it's how well we think we pass or how thoroughly we hide this side of ourselves in male mode. I've got both.