How do you address the "Why" question

[Lovely Rose]

Hello lovelies

I am being open about my CDing to my wife. The way she is handling it is that she ignores the elephant in the room. Now I don't want to be pushy, so whenever she feels like talking about it, this is my chance. I told her that I am not gay and I don't want to transition. I just want to enjoy this form of self expression in a casual and balanced way.

The most difficult part to talk about (when she wants to talk about it) is the "why", I consider this a mysterious part of me that I hope to find an answer for one day, and I am okay with not knowing the answer. And whenever she poses the question, my most honest answer is that I don't know, and her question triggers within me again the desire to have a clear why. I am curious to know your whys, your perspectives may shed some light on some aspect I am not aware of in myself.

Have a lovely day!

[SophiaRose]

I?m not sure I could answer the ?why?. It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?

[Marketa]

There's many whys so the question can't be answered by others. Luckily for me my why is simple: escapism.

My male-self suffer with depression and it went so bad, that suicide was on the table. It were "just" passive suicidal ideations (i.e. I don't want to kill nor harm myself, but I want to die), but it looked like only matter of time.

So he created me and now when at home he can "die" in peace and I take over, do chores, workout etc. And to be honest since April since we started his depression got a lot better and except short burst of PSI here and there when in stress he's doing much, much better

[Suzie Petersen]

I have not yet heard a good scientific explanation to the question of why some men feel such a strong need to dress and present like women now and then, and believe me I have looked for one.
The answer "I simply do not know, but it makes me feel really good and very happy" is a lot better than trying to come up with some reasons that you might later regret. Focus on how it makes you feel.

If you haven't already, then I recommend reading the original post by Marla GG "How to tell your partner" which is a Sticky in this section. It has some great level-headed advise. You might even want to shared Marla's words with your wife.

Your wifes reaction of simply ignoring the issue is very normal, but it is not healthy for your relationship. Working together on finding an acceptable compromise that allows you to explore this part of you, is much better, how ever hard the first conversations might be.
If you wait for your wife to initiate a conversation, you might be in for a very long wait.

[bridget thronton]

I stopped asking why - I prefer the comfort and style of dresses

[alwayshave]

Rose, I stopped wondering why a long time ago. I have had the compulsion to dress from a very early age. So early that it's just part of me.

[Cheryl T]

I searched for "Why?" for about 50 years and never found the answer.
I finally just gave up and accepted myself for who I am.

I went through the same thing when I came out to my wife. I'm not gay, I'm not TS, I'm not looking to transition or run off to join the circus (LOL). I don't know WHY so I can't tell you. Personally I believe it's genetic. There are 3 male cousins in my family around my age and all are gay, I crossdress. It has to be genetic as far as I'm concerned. I was never abused or dressed as a girl when little or any of that. I simply enjoy expressing my femininity in this way.

Good luck with your search. Mine reached a dead end and I am so much happier now that I've stopped looking.

[JocelynJames]

Because the clothes feel good, look good , AND WHY NOT?!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've read an hypothetical explanation for being on the transsexual spectrum. The gonads start to develop in utero during the first trimester. Those with XY chromosomes develop male gonads. The brain develops during the second trimester. It has been hypothesized that an excess of estrogen is released in utero, thereby "feminizing" the brain. This leads to gender dysphoria because the brain and gonads are incongruent.

Maybe some of us get a more feminized brain and are immediately drawn to feminine things, including playing with Barbie rather than toy trucks. The joke goes, "What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual? Two years." Maybe all of us are really TS but got arrested at some point due to societal pressures and became "just a crossdresser" rather than "graduating" to TS.

I also believe that there's a another explanation. For some reason, maybe even a random reason, some of try on some women's clothes. Some of us may get aroused by some good feelings that result, and come back for more. This becomes an alternate form of arousal, in addition to the more common method(s) of arousal. As the brain is maturing, this feeling of arousal gets "baked in", and the dressing arousal remains permanently.

I know that others have different experiences that finding out later in life, so these two "explanations" don't cover everyone.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" I told her I did not know why I do what I do! I also told her I wished I didn't. I have to admit life would have been a lot simpler if I did not have this need. Our discussion predated the internet. There was no information out there. There was a lot of misconceptions. It seems those misconceptions still exist today and are the knee-jerk reactions to the revelation than a male would want to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman.

As to the "Why?" I do what I do, I really don't know. My former counselor for combat related PTSD is of the opinion that eat man and woman has some DNA of the opposite sex, and, in some it is greater than in others. To me, that may explain the scope of sexual orientation and expression across the spectrum. In the beginning there was a heavy emphasis on sexual gratification, but that does not really mean much when it comes to an adolescence. Wearing women's clothing or viewing Playboy, is there any difference. With maturity it comes to more of expression rather than anything else, at least for me. Yes, there is a component of stress relief; seeking refuge away from one station in life to another.

[countrygirl]

Because I see a woman when I look at the mirror and the clothes feel so comfy.

[NancySue]

Like others, over the years, I?ve spent many hours reading, researching for the elusive ?why?. To date, no definitive, reason. I know it?s here, sometimes with high intensity. I told my wife before nuptials. She became fascinated with my compulsive need to dress and together, we spent a lot more time talking, researching, reading, etc. Thank goodness she?s totally accepting and supportive. I appreciate her sense of humor as she occasionally teases me, especially how can I enjoy underwire bras, hose or heels. I don?t know either, but I still feel the thrill when I dress and when she buys me things. We?ve just accepted it as part of us, which it definitely is. Life?s too short.

[docrobbysherry]

I was over 50 before I ever even thot about trying on women's things! So, I've always wondered why? The only thing I can come up with is changing hormones. I was put on hormonal meds for my prostate at just about the same time!

However, I believe I've become so deeply involved in it for the same reason as Marketa, escapism! I mean, what other hobby can a 80+ y/o man have where he can be hanging out, hugging, and dancing with pretty, young women like we were Friday nite at a club!?

[Georgina]

I have no answer to the why but I say that it makes me feel great.

[Stephanie Michelle]

There most likely is no why. I use the analogy of to a GF or spouse. Ask them why they like guys and not girls! When they can't answer that, say that exactly how it is with me wanting to dress up. Its just what seems natural to me.

[Kris Burton]

It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?

...and for me these reasons are exactly why, and I know it. As a shy and naive adolescent and young adult I missed much and always felt left out of the social scene. As I eventually matured and realized what I had missed it left me with a deep regret that would not let go, a deep feeling that something was missing in my psyche. The feelings crossdressing provides go far into filling that void and I am the better, more well adjusted person as a result.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

If you ever come up with a good answer, let us know please.

But I have another "Why" question. Why is it considered bad or weird that we want to wear cute and comfy clothes? And while I don't bother with makeup, why is it bad for a guy to want to look better when it's perfectly normal for women to want to? Why can women wear 10 pounds of jewelry but my toe ring is weird?

[SometimesNatalie]

I?m not sure I could answer the ?why?. It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?

This is the best answer I've been able to come up with in about 25 years of stressing about why and what it means.

Part of me has internalized this simple answer, part of me still wants more information to justify or explain it. It's frustrating.

[GracieRose]

Like you, I have to honestly say that I don't know why. We're all created differently, and this is how I am. The physiological reason is probably different for everyone although there are likely commonality and differences between sisters. I am not attracted to guys but I have always felt more at home in the company of with women (girls when I was young) than males. It is obvious to me that I am a woman, but was cursed with a Y chromosome and the unfortunate effects of testosterone poisoning. That's just my cross to bear. Transition? I have dreamt of this since I was a young girl forced to function as a guy. However, my best and only friend, whom I am married to, would be uncomfortable with me transitioning, and I vowed to love and honor her until death. To me this includes personal sacrifice to facilitate her comfort. She tolerates Grace's frequent excursions out-and-about to facilitate my comfort. That is her personal sacrifice and the compromise that we are currently at, and authentic life is filled with compromises.

[Fiona_44]

I tell people that I really am not sure why but I feel that men are a mix of both male and female characteristics and, with some men, the female part is more prominent than the male part. I find that I am one of them and am much happier living life as the female part of me.

[nvlady]

It looks like we might have about 20,000 members of this forum and none of us know why.

[tbryant2k16]

I don't know thew answer either. Likely a combination of many factors. Just the love of the wide variety of clothing available, the feel of the clothing and comfort. Could be variations in biology, genetic and hormones. I could have more dominate female traits active. For body hair, I have very little and thin hair.

[Heather76]

When my wife asked me why on earth I would want to wear a bra, nylons, and a dress when she couldn't wait to take them off when she got home from work, my honest answer was, "If I knew why, I'd tell you. But, I don't know why. I just know I thoroughly enjoy dressing in women's clothes."

[danniUK]

For me "why" is a simple answer: there's a part of me that just loves/needs to feel girly, and I don't feel complete without that.
I *think* I need both the masculine and the femme aspects, though I won't lie and will admit that I've fantasised about transitioning and giving up the former entirely/physically.
But it's not something I could ever do, not just because of my wife and kids but also because I do think I need both the masc and femme part of me.
Is that just because I've spent nearly 50 years with the masc part of me included and I can't imagine living without it? Maybe. I did come to the realisation recently that if I could go back to my birth and chose my gender it'd be female without a second thought.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I used to have this fantasy as a kid. I find this cave and there's this elevator in it. When you get into the elevator and you go down (which is the only way to go). Each story you go down, you get younger and younger until you reach the single cell zygote stage. Switch out the Y chromosome for another X and go back up. When you get the the top, you're the girl you were supposed to be. You can also go back down and retrieve the Y you left and the bottom and return to the top as the same boy you were.