Starting "the talk" with a letter?

[SophiaRose]

I plan to come out to my wife in a couple of months and to prepare I collected my thoughts and list of resources onto a document. As you can imagine, once I started writing the doc rapidly turned into a 3 page letter touching on, among other things, my history, current situation and an apology for not being honest all this time. I spent a-lot of time editing it to express my feelings and touch on the big issues SOs typically want to know. The coming out thread in this forum was a big help. My therapist read it and said I should give it to her to read alone and offer to talk about it once she's ready. I hadn't thought about going through "the talk" this way. It was nice to be able to pour my heart out in a thorough and thoughtful way on paper first. What do you think of doing it this way? For those of you that came out on your own terms, how did you do it and what would you have done differently?

Thanks!!

[Aka_Donna]

I would be very very careful. A letter is only one sense. Communication takes someone giving in a manner they can manage AND someone who is in a state to receive a message. Some are sight learners, some are sight and sound learners, some are only emotional learners, some are all of the above. There is an old phrase "the medium is the message". Pick a medium that works best with the other party and at a time when they are most open to new insights.

[Genifer Teal]

I think there's a benefit to writing things down, but I also think there's a benefit to having a conversation. There needs to be back-and-forth, not just one person talking. Otherwise, it's similar to just them reading it. You need to say how you feel and here, how they are taking it in. You need to clarify based on their feedback to you. It's not all going to be understood at once. Maybe it's better not to put it all in one conversation or letter. Pick a part of it to explain maybe how you got started. Then another time talk about why you still do it. Even a third time you could talk about where you think it's going, or you might like it to go. I think that is a helpful strategy to not put all out there in one bomb. Light the fire slowly and see how hard it burns, so you can put it out here and there as you go along.
Good luck. Remember how much time you've had to get used to this? And maybe they're just learning about it, it's going to take them time to adjust and accept. And even once they come around, they're still gonna be worried about everyone else finding out and how everyone else will react. It's a lot to consider and a lot to convey.

[Stephanie47]

Do you have any idea what your wife's general feelings are towards the LGBTQ+ community? Many times there is support for the community but there is a strong NIMBY attitude. My wife and I had "The Talk" but perhaps my cross dressing was not in a vacuum: sleeping in a nightie on occasion. Still, it was a shock to her and she was not receptive. With anything in life I have always liked the open dialogue: A Q&A. If I were to have given her a written narrative I would have done it after an oral discussion. I cannot prejudge what may happen to a letter/written narrative, but my wife still has all the letters I wrote to her more than 53 years ago. There is always the risk written correspondence can be weaponized. Also, sometimes we may overload a wife with too much information at one time. As you have probably read numerous times on this forum a wife's initial understanding and acceptance may be short lived.

[CharlotteCD]

I wrote my now Ex a letter when we were at the very start of splitting up, explaining my feelings. I instantly regretted it because it was evidence for the divorce.

If you're preparing to tell her, prepare for your exit strategy as well.

[Kris Burton]

I think the letter is a good first step, one that many therapists use in order to get your feelings out. I personally think the person that benefits most from such an approach is you. When it comes to coming out to your wife tho, I think a direct approach is more beneficial. You can draw upon what you wrote, but expressing these things in person is in my opinion far more personal and considerate - especially to a wife or any loved one. I feel a letter is kind of like you are still hiding, even tho it may express everything you want to say about the situation at hand.

[Di]

As a GG I think the letter is a great idea to get all you thoughts out but add we can talk after and I’ll answer questions.
We sometimes see here where the CD is trying to explain, but the wife gets upset and not everything gets out.
So this would be great to get it out.
Answering questions be truthful- if you do not know say that. Do not make any promises you cannot keep- like stop. Dressing- that might happen temporarily but not forever….. more. Important for her to understand it has been a part of you…. She loves you ….it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
She will think so at first but it doesn’t have to be.
This as hard as it is is the best thing instead of her catching you.
Whatever you do in the future agree to stick with it until renegotiated . It Paramount trust rebuilt.
Best Wishes

Also if she feels alone we have a private GG section.

[docrobbysherry]

More than one therapist gave me exactly OPPOSITE advice!

Whever I wanted to express my deep, built up emotions and/or thots with a loved one or acquaintance? They told me to put it all down on paper!

Read my note again. Then, ALWAYS tear it up and burn it!

They said that would help me clarify my thots and what they look like in writing. Which should help me prepare for a deep conversation with that person!

[Genifer Teal]

I don't want to be on the side of suggesting to write a note and give it to her. I think writing things down is good but I think it's better for yourself. If anything, use it as notes during a conversation, you have with your wife. I don't like the idea of her using against you and having the physical evidence.

[audreyinalbany]

I think you should take your letter and locket away in a drawer for a month or two. Then revisit it and re edit. Hit the high spots that you want to hit and use it as s study guide for having a face to face talk. AFTER the talk, give her the letter and have her live with it for awhile then have the follow up talk.

[mykell]

their is no definitive answer for this....you know your mate and her strengths and weaknesses.

this was close to how i did it. made sure the stress of work had no play and picked a weekend....had the letter as backup but spoke from my heart.
she later emailed me and asked all the questions i had answered in my initial reveal. she was more concerned about where i had gotten my female things and may have tuned out some of the thoughts i had shared.

continue with your daily ways and talk when she is ready.....be honest....no promises....work on mutual remedies which may have to be revisited in time.

it started as DADT and private. i go out to vanilla venues in the wild several times a month now....she does not want to see it and i respect that.

does not make for ideal conditions for me but i make it work best i can.


best of luck to you and yours....

[Miel GG]

It is always a pleasure to read about a husband on his way to tell the truth to his wife.

Writing is an excellent way to clarify your thoughts and to prepare the Talk.
My hubby also prepared himself and one day he found the courage to take a great step, initiating the Talk. It was a big shock for myself, but I appreciated to be able to exchange immediately with him and express my feelings too. It was also important for me to be able to look him in the eyes, as it was important for me to be able to connect in other ways than talking (nonverbal communication is very important !).

But you know your wife better than us. And your therapist knows you better than us. Whatever way you'll choose to reveal your CDing to your wife will be a good one.

It will take time, it will be bumpy. But for my part, I preferred a thousand times more to know the truth and face reality.

Good luck to both of you.

[Maria 60]

My biggest problem with giving advice is that I don't know you and your relationship with your wife. If you have a strong communication relationship I woild advice one thing and if you tell me you don't have a strong relationship I would give different advice. I told this a thousand times but I could only tell you my thoughts of how I decided to take the plunge. Three weeks into our marriage I put on her pantyhose and I sat on the bed that morning for three hours realizing how real this was and if I was willing to live the rest of my life as a fugitive to this. If you don't already know I married a traditional European women and I really believed she was going to go crying back to her mother. That same night after dinner I told her I had to tell her something and I told her everything and as honest as I could. I told her from the first time I put on my sisters pantyhose up to that same morning that I put on hers and I wouldn't blame her at all if she wanted out and that I was unfair to her for not telling her before. Surprisingly she was very calm and asked me who else knew about this? And I told her she was the only one literally I told, but if my family knows I didn't tell anyone. She was very flattered that I only trusted her and only told her and she told me she respected my courage for telling her this, but was upset that I didn't tell her before marriage. She had this theory that if I could tell her this then I could tell her anything and she wanted to give it a chance to see where it was going. That night we drew some lines in the sand that we could both live with and she didn't want me wearing and stretching her things and we went girl shopping.
That was over thirty years ago and she loves this fem side of me, but my biggest thought when I told her was that I had to except there was a chance I was going to lose her. I believe you better put that in your calculations.
I could only speak for myself here and tell you to tell her face to face because technically isn't that what you want to go into this head on. A lot of times you can tell a persons real feeling by the expression on there face.
The night I told my wife I see it as all I did was roll the dice and hope the right numbers came up and only you know your wife so you know the best how to attack this. I could only tell you what I did but you know your wife best. Sorry I don't have the right answer. Roll the dice and hope your number comes up

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

I spent a lot of time writing a letter, but then just told my (future ex?) wife when it became clear that something big was going on in my head. Gave her the letter after that.

The advice from a friend which I'd pass along is make sure you communicate your feelings and empathy for her rather than just have it all be about you.

[Heisthebride]

I think the common theme is telling her is the right thing to do. But take care in how it’s done. You know your wife better than anyone here or your therapist.

Be aware that sometimes things can be read one way, but meant in another. Tone is also more difficult to convey in written form.

Personally, I would sit down with them before handing them the letter. Let them know it’s scary from your perspective not knowing how they might react. But it’s equally scary for them, not knowing what it is you intend to tell them. They need to understand why a letter makes more sense to you versus just talking to them. Explain that there are so many things you want to hit on, a letter is the best way to make sure you don’t missing anything.

Maybe there are questions she comes up with but you didn’t addresses them in the letter. Let her know that you want to have a more personal one on one discussion with her, you want to give her time to process, but you are looking forward to an open and honest discussion together. You want to be honest not only with her but yourself too.

Best of luck.

[Sabine Janus]

I'm in the "Letter is a good idea" camp, unless there are deep troubles in the relationship and she's eyeing the door. Then Charlotte's experience of "Evidence against you" has to be taken into account.

Writing it down allows for you not to be flustered with a lot of things going on all at once: her revelation, your distress at telling her now, trying to soften the blow or not being clear because of the stress. It allows her to process at her own pace and allow you time to acclimate to the new normal or her knowing. Stay focused on the subject at hand. 3 pages might be delving into a lot of areas unnecessary to accomplish your goal here.

I'd strongly recommend starting with the positives of the relationships, the good years together: the challenges faced, the triumphs you celebrated together and the defeats you got each other through.

Then let her know that you have wanted to tell her(If you have) but HOW do you share THIS sort of thing? It a failure on your part not to have done so, but how could I risk this? Ask for forgiveness. Society has taught us this is a BAD thing, a thing to be hidden. It's a lot to overcome.

If you are strictly in it as a crossdresser and are NOT looking at transitioning, make that clear up front (IT's going to be a major concern) and do recall if you are "Only" a crossdress, at the end of the day, its only clothing. If you are thinking about transition, but that on the table too.

Be open to questions of ANY sort, including a few you may find offensive whatever they might be. Park YOUR emotions to be there for her.

Good luck

SJ

[alwayshave]

SophiaRose, Admittedly I wrote my then girlfriend, now wife, a letter to disclose my proclivity to dress. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had just discussed it with her. When I think back about it, I think the letter was cowardly rather than just having the conversation. However, I know today I am much more sure of myself and my dressing than I was back then. So it's easy for me to choose conversation at this point.

[JulieC]

I think writing it down is a useful tool to help organize your thoughts and how you want to convey such thoughts.

But...no, I would never use a letter to tell my partner. There's a multitude of reasons that have been called out in this thread by others. One thing that would gravely concern me in her going off and reading it is she's sitting there taking this all in at full velocity, like a fire hose, and she's expected to read all of it before coming and talking to you. To say it's overwhelming is an understatement. Written text loses all nuance, inflection, body language. You lose direct feedback from her in her expressions if not in voice. The letter also becomes something she may painfully keep reflecting back on.

Let me give you a reverse scenario that happened with me. A couple of months into dating my wife, I told her about my enjoying wearing pantyhose. At the time, my crossdressing was limited almost entirely to pantyhose. I told her in a car, going down a highway. I figured she couldn't run for the hills immediately But, I did figure...if she didn't accept, I was breaking up with her. I was tired of putting up with unaccepting girlfriends and I wasn't going to live my life having to hide crossdressing any more. My wife accepted it, took it in stride, and two days later bought me some pantyhose. Win.

Fast forward. We're married about three years, I'm getting further into crossdressing. I finally have heels and full outfits. I go to a crossdresser support group meeting. At home, I'm spending more time crossdressed in her presence. I didn't know it, but I was overwhelming her. And then she writes me a letter laying out how she felt, and it wasn't supportive at all. I was absolutely devastated. In retrospect, I could have done a better job of not overwhelming her, but I didn't understand then. I thought we were along this crossdressing journey together. I was wrong. The letter was deeply painful. I felt deeply betrayed. I knew from that moment forward, I'd suddenly found myself in a DADT situation. I immediately clammed up about crossdressing, didn't discuss it, she didn't ask, and I put my stash well out of sight and mind. I wasn't going to divorce her over it, but I was badly wounded. I created real problems in our marriage. I closed off this part of me from her, kept it inside, out of her eyes and ears. She was now no longer allowed into that part of me. Here was the woman I was spending the rest of my life with, and now I was walling off a part of me. I kept going back to that letter, painfully reading it over and over again. But, doing so taught me not to discuss it or to crossdress with her knowledge.

I could go on with the story from here (it got better, but took a long time, and I can dress around her any time now). The point for me is the letter was devastating. I think it may be so for your wife.

Be careful, and like CharlotteCD said...have an exit strategy. Hope for the best, but expect and plan for the worse.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I haven't done the talk, but I did get insulted when I tried to give the talk.

When I wanted to get permission to go to the Keystone Conference, we did have a talk, and I did write my thoughts down in advance. But I did it as a PowerPoint briefing style.

I did get permission to go, but some years afterwards, the told me, "I only gave you permission because I thought it [going to Keystone] would get it out of your system."

I've gone to Keystone for the last 10 years or so, excluding the 2 years it was cancelled due to COVID.

[Susan_Michaela]

I?ve read all the post and everyone has made excellent suggestions about how to tell your wife. If your wife and yourself have a good relationship then instead of a letter, I would just have all that I wanted to say to her and make a list instead of a letter. Put all the points you want to speak about and also be sure to list other points and be sort of ahead of the game. She?s going to be hurt of course by lying to her because it?s been kept from her I call it omission?s which I feel is a lie. She?s going to ask are you gay or how far you want to take it. Do you want to be a woman and so on. You can read many of the post different topics what wives think in their minds. You need to be prepared to answer the tough questions honestly and not beat around the bush. Make a list instead of a letter with points you want to tell her including pros and cons on most of the questions you even think she might ask of you. She may even think she?s done something wrong. Assure her it?s not her fault. Really tell her how much you love her and that you?re sorry for keeping it from her, maybe give her a reason why you haven?t already told her. It might come up. I?m not trying to tell you how to do it but you must be prepared for anything. A letter is something she could use against you in court maybe. Tell her how sorry you are for not telling her sooner. It?s a heavy burden on you and most definitely her after the talk


I would emphasize not doing a letter. Just be patient with her because you?re laying it all on the line. If you?re totally honest and pray she forgives you for the secret be sure to emphasize again you?ll never keep anything from her again. Hopefully she?ll forgive you. But communication is the real key and being honest and sincere with her if your relationship is strong and she has an open mind then everything should go well.

Please don?t take anything to heart I?ve posted here. It?s just points to think about and have you notes and talking points. May you have all the luck in the world.


Michaela

[Debs]

Sophia, has she any inclination that you dress ?, have you given any snippets or any clues or let anything slip, or is it just going to be one big surprise for her ?. There is the slow trickle method just to test the waters, the odd hint that you like silky stuff, or do you want to swap underwear for fun etc, to see if theres any reaction. Just an idea before you jump in there feet first. Test the water. Or talk about lgbt people and crossdressers to see what see things about that world. Or go out for a drink with her near a bar where you know there will be xdressers etc, take her in for a drink and judge her reaction, all just ideas to get her feelings towards what her reaction may be, just a thought.

[CarlaWestin]

Completely unnecessary except to make you feel better. I'm firmly in the Charlotte camp with this.
Wisdom?
Nope.
Experience!
You'll feel proud of yourself thinking it was the right thing until she reads two lines in and just announces, "This is bullshi........!"
This CD thing is acceptable to women mostly for somebody else's husband. Just the mention in conversation may set off a mood of, "I wished you had told me earlier or the uneasy going along with it all."

[GretchenM]

Personally, I don't think telling someone who you have a loving relationship about something that could shatter that relationship is a ticklish process, but I believe it should be done face to face, possibly in a controlled environment with a counselor present to moderate and keep things from going off the rails. Letters are good for telling a loved one good things, but not things that can fracture the integrity of the relationship, unless that is your intent. It can also be viewed by the recipient as you being afraid to talk about the subject face to face - that smacks of distrust and can produce a bad reaction.

Do it in person in an environment where interruption is not likely. Take it slowly; at first give a general view, then ask her questions about what she thinks. As the discussion continues move deeper into the subject and repeat the question and answer. Always present the view that you care deeply about her feelings and are not just presenting your personal view with an implied expectation that she will accept it. She does not have to accept anything, but you want to make sure she fully understands each aspect as you move deeper into the subject.

Make sure to talk about where you currently are with regard to going deeper into the CD/Transgender world, if that seems to be a direction you wish to go. Is this just an occasional thing or is there a desired goal present? Do not make up anything. If you have no answer to a question, say that you do not have an answer.

Most important, keep everything on the foundation of a common, loving relationship rather than a one sided presentation. Always be open to her views and discuss those as much as you discuss yours - it is about maintaining the relationship and not introducing a change that is pretty much one-sided with an implication that she must adapt to you. She doesn't HAVE TO adapt to anything except what she decides to adapt to.

[SophiaRose]

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts, suggestions and experiences. It's so easy to feel like we're on an island given the often secretive nature of crossdressing and I can't express how much I appreciate and value having peers to run this by. I know others will also find value in your words.

I've done a-lot of reflection over the past year on how to come out. As Kris noted, writing the letter was as much about me trying to make sense of my own narrative before trying to explain it to someone else. It's a valuable exercise I recommend. After reading your comments, and examining the values my wife and I try to live by, I don't think I'll use the letter as my main mechanism for disclosing this. It feels a bit like I'm trying to control the discussion by doing so, which I probably am in a subconscious way to protect myself. I also know I owe my wife a face to face apology, where I can connect emotionally, instead of hiding behind a document as many are noting. I really don't want this to be all about me. Regardless of how well-crafted or intended, a letter might come off that way.

Debs, thanks for your suggestions. I've been trying to express my true nature in the past year by doing as you suggest in a genuine and honest way without it feeling like I'm testing the waters. She knows I shave my legs because it feels sensual, I'm obsessed with my skin care routine, and I've told her how I love to see and comment on what she wears because I find women?s clothing "alluring". Not just "you look nice" but "I love how the top goes with the earrings". She was very surprised to hear this given my prior overcompensation to hide anything "girly" about me. Unless I'm fooling myself, I think she enjoys these interactions. She also knows, and we joke about, my pantyhose fetish. Finding out I like them on me just as much as I love seeing them on her will be an odd revelation. I've told my wife and daughters that I wanted to connect with them more on their interests because I want us to have stronger relationships. I would do this even if I didn't CD. Shoe shopping recently with, and for, my daughter was fun for both of us and I can only imagine why she thinks her father was so into it. I hope that since I've been working to be a bit more open and vulnerable recently in these ways, it may be easier to connect the dots and perhaps lessen the shock.

Ultimately, as I mentioned, I plan to do the in person approach and eventually say I also wrote a letter to try and explain things a little better. She can read it if she wants after we talk. While we have a strong and caring relationship, if things go south and she weaponizes it, so be it. I'm totally exhausted after keeping all of this inside for so long and frankly I don't care who knows. Yeah, that sounded rash...need to rethink that statement. Lol.

Dearly appreciated everyone - Sophia

[BLUE ORCHID]

See Line #4 in my Signature.