Going through divorce

[Lisa LIckorice]

Hey there everyone. About a year an a half ago my wife announced to me that she wanted a divorce after an argument. I am devastated. The year prior, she finally accepted my dressing and we were having an amazing time. I think that maybe there were underlying things, and she didn?t like it as much as I thought she did.

She actually moved out six months ago. We split 50/50 with our teenage kids. This has been a tough thing becuase the house is so quiet when it?s just me. Tne one good thing when I?m home alone, I?m dressed fem 24/7. The feelings are growing stronger, and most days I want to start transitioning. I?m not going to, because mentally I?m not prepared to make those kind of decisions with the fresh wounds. Any advice from people that have gone through this??

[Aka_Donna]

Wait at least 18 months before making permanent changes. Hormones would be the worst thing to add to your trama now. Think of what people are like when overwhelmed. Find something soothing for this time... CD may help.

[kimdl93]

The only really good advice I have is to keep the kids separate from you personal life. I am not saying you should deny yourself the life you want to life, only that during this period, your teenage kids are dealing with more than they can handle. It?s also possible that your ex has shared more than you would want. You just have to accept that probability and concentrate on being a constant, positive, and reliable presence in their lives, even when you don?t feel particularly stable or positive. Its a tough time, but of the few positive things and many mess-ups of my life, the postive all relate to putting my kids first.

[Genifer Teal]

You can start making changes that, aren't so drastic. Get laser hair removal. Grow your hair longer. Get your ears pierced. Hold off on the medical stuff for now. But you can still do a lot towards the goal if that is something you might want. Hair removal takes a long time. It's a process, so the sooner you start it, the sooner you will have lasting results. Not having a beard shadow is a game changer. It allows you to do casual daytime looks with hardly any makeup. You also stop worrying about reapplying later in the day or evening, if it's time to start thinking about stubble again. I enjoyed it so much. I started doing my whole body, not having to think about shaving at all is wonderful. It's a big step and it's a hassle i don't have anymore.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

My response to anyone getting a divorce is to take it slow, learn how to enjoy being single, don't look for a new wife, and above all keep the kids out of the fight. Never use the kids as a weapon, this isn't their fault. There IS life after divorce, it'll happen and be wonderful if you let it.

My added advice to you would mirror what's already been said above. Don't change the chemical makeup of your body (hormones, e.g.) , don't start coming out to people you wouldn't have if you were still married. Even the best of divorces suck, and they're emotional. But hair removal and such? Hell yeah! No one to tell you you can't right now! Go for it! Or a tattoo that can be hidden from future bosses, or pierced nipples if you've ever considered them. Have fun and swish that skirt when you're home alone, but be ready for a quick change as your single friends might start popping in again.

[Keremy]

I am a firm believer that there are things worse in life than being single so enjoy it. As far as transitioning I remember watching something many years ago and they were saying that most relationships only last 2 years because their are chemicals and reactions happening in our brains for the first 2 years of a relationship that wear off. Why not wait to make the decision to transition. Is it really going to change anything negatively if you wait? Personally I think there are people that truly are more of the opposite sex than they are but I am a firm believer that to many people are transitioning as part of a fad rather than they really need to transition.

[Tanya J]

There are many really good suggestions already. I am so proud to hear what some of our members have already said here. The thing that I would keep in mind is that any of the pain that you feel will be from a place internally. Losing your wife will be hard emotionally. I don’t think that you can really heal inside, by changing anything on the outside. We are who we are, and always have been. The part of us that we present to the world is not much more than wrapping paper. It may be pretty, and we can appreciate the effort that went into it, but it’s what’s inside that has value. Cling to your faith, surround yourself with friends that love you. Be patient in making any decisions that wouldn’t be irreversible.

[JohnH]

I back the advice to hold off on the HRT until you have things sorted out.
The good thing about HRT is when you start it, you will know if it is right or not right for you. So you can back off before the effects become permanent.
In my case, I have been on estrogen for over 13 years and it is one of the best things I have done. I no longer drink to excess and my blood pressure is now 120/60 mm Hg, down from 160/100 before the HRT. I have a feminine appearance and I present like a woman as I wear dresses, makeup, etc. However, I speak and sing with my masculine bass voice.
I have been through a divorce from my first wife and loss of my second wife by death. My dear second wife encouraged me to go on HRT. She noticed a calming effect of HRT on me. Whenever I got irritable, she would say, "John, it's time for your hormone shot".

John

[docrobbysherry]

Every one is different, Lisa. My divorce was nasty but NOT in front of the kids. I didn't mention her cheating, she didn't mention my dressing. And, our kids have grown up to be lovely adults. Altho, they know everything now!

I continued to hide my dressing from my kids until they were older. Put all my gear away before they were dropped off. But, Sherry began to go crazy at home when they were at her house. It took me a couple of years to realize our separation was permanent and get over it. Then, Sherry began going out to meet other dressers at conventions and T get togethers.

The rest is history and at 80+ I've never been happier!