Counseling

[Traci H]

My update:

After not hearing from anyone at the clinic after three full days. I emailed the director last night. This morning I had a response with an update. She had a person in mind for me, but then realized that I requested a female therapist and this person was male. So she was still working on finding me a suitable therapist by the end of this coming weekend, ie, three days. I thanked her for her assistance and them told her that 1) I just thought I would be more comfortable with a female, and 2) my wife might accept any feedback from a female therapist better than a male. I did say I might be open to a male therapist, but thought perhaps an initial short meeting might be in order then. Just not what I had in my mind.

So at this point, it got me thinking. Have all or most of those that participated in therapy have seen a female? Do any of you have thoughts on which might be better? How about a spouse's thoughts on male or female. I want to give myself the best options here while trying not to be difficult. I will say the a long time ago my wife and I saw a shrink about this issue, and she was not accepting of his words. It was so long ago, that I don't remember any of it really. We have been married a long time.

Gail, it looks like you are seeing a female. How would you feel if it was a male? Make any difference?

[JesseVF]

Traci - I personally only considered female therapist. I also prefer female medical Doctors although don?t always have a choice. They just seem more empathetic than male doctors I have had. My wife got her own therapist when we both started after I came out to her - she was also female. She didn?t bother to find another one after we moved west. I?m not really sure why but I think I would feel uncomfortable and not able to open up as much to a male therapist. Plus they obviously cant have the same ability to relate to female clothing, makeup concerns etc? - I talk about everything with mine.

[Traci H]

Thanks Jesse. Makes me think I am not being unreasonable requesting a female therapist. Just not comfortable with a guy. Yea, and makeup talk would be severely limited!

[JennniferMcC]

The one therapist I have spoken to about this (years ago) was a female. Honestly, I can't imagine talking to another male about this. I guess that the evolutionary reluctance to make oneself "vulnerable" in front of a potential "competitor." Weird.
But I don't think it unreasonable to request a female. You are the patient, yes, but you're also a customer.

[Traci H]

Thanks Jennifer. Makes me think I need to stick to my guns. I just always pictured a female therapist, not a man. When looking at the population of therapists in all these practices and clinics, 85 percent are woman. Seems it would be much harder to request and find a man to handle this.

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Jennifer, how is your search coming? Any possibilities yet?

[JennniferMcC]

I have one woman who was recommended to me but I can't seem to get a clear answer if she accepts my insurance. Arggghh!!! Why can't anything be easy? But to add, I think it best to re-open this subject with my wife first. That's something I plan to do in the next day or two. Securing a therapist is only step two I'm afraid. Oh, wish me luck please. Prayers would be welcome too. Over 30 years, these conversations are NEVER easy. (for either of us)

[Gail_veiled]

Traci,

I'm definitely of the same opinion in that I would feel more comfortable opening up to a female therapist than a male. I agree with Jesse and, while maybe this is a false stereotype, think in general women are more empathetic. As Jennifer said, you as the patient are ultimately the one in charge and have the right to select who you are most comfortable with.

Jen, Just saw your post and sending all the good luck and prayers I have your way too

[BustyOlivia]

I?ve been having a similar thought about therapy and wondering if they?d ever address my Olivia side. Just wondering if it?s worthwhile to explore the roots or what. Ideally, I?d wish it could be a space to be Olivia and share her experiences and wishes too.

[SaraLin]

Traci,

I'll try to answer this:

So at this point, it got me thinking. Have all or most of those that participated in therapy have seen a female? Do any of you have thoughts on which might be better? How about a spouse's thoughts on male or female.

Over the years, I've been to therapy several times and with different therapists - both male and female.
For the most part they've been wonderfully helpful, regardless of their gender.

I've found that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter what their gender is. It's not about them after all.
It's more important that you and your counsellor get along. If you can't comfortably talk with them about everything, then you're wasting your money.

So - I decided to adopt a "shock and awe" approach. In the first session, I'd lay everything on the table. I'd tell them what my issue was, and what I hoped to get out of the therapy.

Then I'd see how they handled it.

If it didn't go well, if the therapist and I didn't "click" for some reason, I'd simply move on and seek someone else ("sorry, I don't think we'd be a good fit").

Now when it comes to the spouse's thoughts, all I can say is that the few times I took my SO with me, it didn't go so well. She was expecting the therapist to "cure" me, and when it became clear to her that it wasn't what was going to happen, she gave up in disgust and wouldn't go back. She cheated on me and left anyway, so I guess that in the end, it was just as well.

[SophiaRose]

If you want your wife to attend and be a continual part of the process think couples counselor IMO. Otherwise she may see your counselor as your advocate and feel a bit defensive. My wife and I see a couples therapist for this reason, and because this topic is so difficult to wrap our heads around the things we say to each-other are pretty easily misinterpreted. We chose a female therapist together.

[Dutchess]

I fear my wife will plant her feet in the ground if a therapist suggests some tolerance from her and that she should come to therapy. .

and you should because the above there would be highly unethical. If somebody tried to do that to me I would report them to the AMA. If you look at it carefully you'll see that that is hoping that the therapist you pick will cure her -from hating it- instead of her hoping you might be cured .

[Traci H]

Thanks to all. It's a complicated issue and I'm just trying to get a therapist with some experience with this issue. I do hope to make this into marriage counseling sessions if that will help. There are some issues beyond the CDing that I feel should be addressed. I'm not sure if the CDing has brought those out or contributed to them. Living in a sexless marriage for the past 15 years has not helped. Menopause, CD issues, body image/weight, who knows.

[Misty Rae Pleasure]

Thanks to all. It's a complicated issue and I'm just trying to get a therapist with some experience with this issue. I do hope to make this into marriage counseling sessions if that will help. There are some issues beyond the CDing that I feel should be addressed. I'm not sure if the CDing has brought those out or contributed to them. Living in a sexless marriage for the past 15 years has not helped. Menopause, CD issues, body image/weight, who knows.

I think many of us have felt shame for dressing up and being a crossdresser. While over the recent years many alternative lifestyles have become accepted by society, I feel crossdressing has not. You can be gay, lesbian, gender neutral, etc. but crossdressing still is the joke of the conversation. Unless you are a crossdresser yourself one can't understand why we do what we do (maybe some counselors are able to). It has taken me many years to accept that I am a crossdresser. I can purge and put my desires on the back burner, but experience tells me I will always want to dress. For the record I have no desire to transition as I also like the guy part of me in my life. It would have been wonderful when I was married if she would have indulged in my crossdressing, but it just wasn't in the cards. We (CD's) have many common denominators in our CD lifestyle, but our unique individual situations can make navigating it a bit tricky. Crossdressing still has years to go before this lifestyle becomes accepted. Unfortunately until then we have to pick and choose to what degree we expose ourselves to friends, family and society. As the saying goes one can't always control what happens around them but one can choose their reaction to it.