Counseling

[Traci H]

My update:

After not hearing from anyone at the clinic after three full days. I emailed the director last night. This morning I had a response with an update. She had a person in mind for me, but then realized that I requested a female therapist and this person was male. So she was still working on finding me a suitable therapist by the end of this coming weekend, ie, three days. I thanked her for her assistance and them told her that 1) I just thought I would be more comfortable with a female, and 2) my wife might accept any feedback from a female therapist better than a male. I did say I might be open to a male therapist, but thought perhaps an initial short meeting might be in order then. Just not what I had in my mind.

So at this point, it got me thinking. Have all or most of those that participated in therapy have seen a female? Do any of you have thoughts on which might be better? How about a spouse's thoughts on male or female. I want to give myself the best options here while trying not to be difficult. I will say the a long time ago my wife and I saw a shrink about this issue, and she was not accepting of his words. It was so long ago, that I don't remember any of it really. We have been married a long time.

Gail, it looks like you are seeing a female. How would you feel if it was a male? Make any difference?

[JesseVF]

Traci - I personally only considered female therapist. I also prefer female medical Doctors although don?t always have a choice. They just seem more empathetic than male doctors I have had. My wife got her own therapist when we both started after I came out to her - she was also female. She didn?t bother to find another one after we moved west. I?m not really sure why but I think I would feel uncomfortable and not able to open up as much to a male therapist. Plus they obviously cant have the same ability to relate to female clothing, makeup concerns etc? - I talk about everything with mine.

[Traci H]

Thanks Jesse. Makes me think I am not being unreasonable requesting a female therapist. Just not comfortable with a guy. Yea, and makeup talk would be severely limited!

[JennniferMcC]

The one therapist I have spoken to about this (years ago) was a female. Honestly, I can't imagine talking to another male about this. I guess that the evolutionary reluctance to make oneself "vulnerable" in front of a potential "competitor." Weird.
But I don't think it unreasonable to request a female. You are the patient, yes, but you're also a customer.

[Traci H]

Thanks Jennifer. Makes me think I need to stick to my guns. I just always pictured a female therapist, not a man. When looking at the population of therapists in all these practices and clinics, 85 percent are woman. Seems it would be much harder to request and find a man to handle this.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Jennifer, how is your search coming? Any possibilities yet?

[JennniferMcC]

I have one woman who was recommended to me but I can't seem to get a clear answer if she accepts my insurance. Arggghh!!! Why can't anything be easy? But to add, I think it best to re-open this subject with my wife first. That's something I plan to do in the next day or two. Securing a therapist is only step two I'm afraid. Oh, wish me luck please. Prayers would be welcome too. Over 30 years, these conversations are NEVER easy. (for either of us)

[Gail_veiled]

Traci,

I'm definitely of the same opinion in that I would feel more comfortable opening up to a female therapist than a male. I agree with Jesse and, while maybe this is a false stereotype, think in general women are more empathetic. As Jennifer said, you as the patient are ultimately the one in charge and have the right to select who you are most comfortable with.

Jen, Just saw your post and sending all the good luck and prayers I have your way too

[BustyOlivia]

I?ve been having a similar thought about therapy and wondering if they?d ever address my Olivia side. Just wondering if it?s worthwhile to explore the roots or what. Ideally, I?d wish it could be a space to be Olivia and share her experiences and wishes too.

[SaraLin]

Traci,

I'll try to answer this:

So at this point, it got me thinking. Have all or most of those that participated in therapy have seen a female? Do any of you have thoughts on which might be better? How about a spouse's thoughts on male or female.

Over the years, I've been to therapy several times and with different therapists - both male and female.
For the most part they've been wonderfully helpful, regardless of their gender.

I've found that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter what their gender is. It's not about them after all.
It's more important that you and your counsellor get along. If you can't comfortably talk with them about everything, then you're wasting your money.

So - I decided to adopt a "shock and awe" approach. In the first session, I'd lay everything on the table. I'd tell them what my issue was, and what I hoped to get out of the therapy.

Then I'd see how they handled it.

If it didn't go well, if the therapist and I didn't "click" for some reason, I'd simply move on and seek someone else ("sorry, I don't think we'd be a good fit").

Now when it comes to the spouse's thoughts, all I can say is that the few times I took my SO with me, it didn't go so well. She was expecting the therapist to "cure" me, and when it became clear to her that it wasn't what was going to happen, she gave up in disgust and wouldn't go back. She cheated on me and left anyway, so I guess that in the end, it was just as well.

[SophiaRose]

If you want your wife to attend and be a continual part of the process think couples counselor IMO. Otherwise she may see your counselor as your advocate and feel a bit defensive. My wife and I see a couples therapist for this reason, and because this topic is so difficult to wrap our heads around the things we say to each-other are pretty easily misinterpreted. We chose a female therapist together.

[Dutchess]

I fear my wife will plant her feet in the ground if a therapist suggests some tolerance from her and that she should come to therapy. .

and you should because the above there would be highly unethical. If somebody tried to do that to me I would report them to the AMA. If you look at it carefully you'll see that that is hoping that the therapist you pick will cure her -from hating it- instead of her hoping you might be cured .

[Traci H]

Thanks to all. It's a complicated issue and I'm just trying to get a therapist with some experience with this issue. I do hope to make this into marriage counseling sessions if that will help. There are some issues beyond the CDing that I feel should be addressed. I'm not sure if the CDing has brought those out or contributed to them. Living in a sexless marriage for the past 15 years has not helped. Menopause, CD issues, body image/weight, who knows.

[Misty Rae Pleasure]

I think many of us have felt shame for dressing up and being a crossdresser. While over the recent years many alternative lifestyles have become accepted by society, I feel crossdressing has not. You can be gay, lesbian, gender neutral, etc. but crossdressing still is the joke of the conversation. Unless you are a crossdresser yourself one can't understand why we do what we do (maybe some counselors are able to). It has taken me many years to accept that I am a crossdresser. I can purge and put my desires on the back burner, but experience tells me I will always want to dress. For the record I have no desire to transition as I also like the guy part of me in my life. It would have been wonderful when I was married if she would have indulged in my crossdressing, but it just wasn't in the cards. We (CD's) have many common denominators in our CD lifestyle, but our unique individual situations can make navigating it a bit tricky. Crossdressing still has years to go before this lifestyle becomes accepted. Unfortunately until then we have to pick and choose to what degree we expose ourselves to friends, family and society. As the saying goes one can't always control what happens around them but one can choose their reaction to it.

[Traci H]

Misty, I too have this feeling that being gay, or gender fluid and people accept that. Few issues if any. Learn that you crossdress and you are a pariah, a freak of nature. Or so it seems to me at times. Maybe the upcoming generation will change that. Too late for me however. Just have to figure out the best path forward at this point.

[Traci H]

Another update or not.

The therapist that runs the clinic said in an email that she would get back to me by Sunday Nov 3. Well Nov 3 was today, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but nothing. Of course I can contact them again and I will, but I am starting to feel like an outcast. Maybe they are just very busy, but still ?.Not real sure I even want to go to this clinic and will continue my search elsewhere. Quite disappointing at this point.

[Philippa Jane]

Hi Traci.
I would like to offer an opinion on therapy.

When I first went back in 2009 I had no idea if the therapist knew anything about crossdressers.
From my side it was very embarrassing to tell a complete stranger that I liked to dress in women's clothes.
At the time I was there to try to find out if I had a mental problem that could be fixed.
I only had two sessions as what she was teaching me was Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Which I could not see the point of. I wanted a quick fix.
I then saw a psychiatrist who was dealing with a friend from here who was transitioning. Once again I was to be disappointed. He actually asked me to take my wife along to the last session. I only had three as he concluded I was not suffering from Gender Dysphoria. I never knew what was said to my wife but she was totally opposed to going to see a marriage councillor.
In order to keep the peace and preserve our marriage I put Philippa back in the closet. From there on it was DADT just like so many others.

Moving along to 2021/ 2022 when I again looked for a therapist it never occurred for me to enquire if they dealt with gender issues.
I think at the time I was primarily there to deal with grief over the death of my wife and to get a letter from her to say that I was Gender Dysphoric. I needed that to be able to see an endocrinologist for oestrogen. That I went along dressed as Philippa was just accepted and the more we met the more I revealed about my feelings and desires.

I do think one should be able to see a therapist without immediately out yourself as a CD. The more they hear of your life and struggles the easier it should be to get you comfortable enough to open up about what you consider you darkest secrets.

[Gail_veiled]

Had my first session today and I thought it went well overall. The therapist was a very nice young lady who I think I will be able to build a rapport with. She admitted I was her first CD client although she has LGBTQ experience.. She actually seemed enthused to learn more herself so I took that as encouraging. I realize this isn't ideal but will give it a try. My immediate goal is to "know thyself"; I told her I wasn't looking for a "cure", just to be at peace internally.

I was happy I ended up dressed for the occasion. I had a real "gulp" moment when the call started but a few minutes in I felt almost comfortable. Next session in a couple of weeks and this time will be in person (and drab).

I hope Jennifer and Traci can find someone for their needs.

[docrobbysherry]

What kind of rapport r u hoping to build, Gail? I've seen at least 5 professionally and didn't hope or try to develop rapport with any of them. All were women with whom I felt comfortable. But, none of my visits were for my dressing. Altho, I did discuss it with one for about 5 minutes.

What I wanted from them was not friendship or approval, just their knowledge and help with my problems. And, every single one helped in varying degrees. In one case it only took 15 minutes!

I hope she helps u but I worry about both of your lack of experience!

[Gail_veiled]

Hi Doc,

You are 100% correct in that it's not an ideal situation with both of our lack in experience. For the rapport aspect, maybe I should re-define that to mean someone I'm comfortable speaking to as I've never been much of an extrovert. I'm looking to get some near term help with emotional malaise and sleep issues that are more to do with other life factors than my crossdressing (although that likely contributes). Also even having a "friend" (albeit paid) to listen to my personal issues has appeal since I don't have that in the real world. Specific to crossdressing, I asked that she work with me to understand where I want my end state, or at least directional goal. Do I remain private & closeted or become more open with spouse, family and the world? I honestly can't answer which of those directions has more appeal to me.

Also I figure any therapist with CD experience started with a 1st client so maybe somebody else will benefit in the future. Sure I'd like to leverage off someone's prior knowledge but, if nothing else, my 45 yrs in the tech industry taught me I'd rather work with someone eager to learn rather than with someone claiming to have all the answers already.

Thank you for your input and experience! - I always look forward to Sherry's escapades and adventures.

[Traci H]

Gail, thanks for the feedback on your first session. It sounds like it may be what you are looking for. Hopefully the therapists skills will handle the CD issue and related as expected from a trained professional. You could very well be right about a know it all versus an eager learner.

I just agreed to see the therapist my clinic recommended. It’s a guy which was not my first choice, but I am open to trying some things first. If it proves to be uncomfortable, I’ll just chalk it up to experience. I am now waiting for a call from the therapist to schedule something. Most likely in person.

Gail, looking forward to your updates.

Jennifer, any progress on your quest?

[docrobbysherry]

Gail, I understand your delema about coming out quite well. I travelled to T events far from home and met 100's of folks dressed without anyone knowing.

When I finally had to tell or be caught I told my immediate family only. Youngest daughter was 18 and the only family member living with me. That was 12 years ago and she moved out awhile ago. So, I don't have to hide my gear and continue Sherry's outings in nearby cities and the family doesn't know or care! No one else who knows me knows about Sherry. That's even tho I've met 1000's of folks while dressed and hang out with a group of dressers around the LA/OC area regularly. And, I still consider myself a closet dresser.

Remember, when u tell folks about your dressing u can NEVER undo that!

[JennniferMcC]

Gail, that's great that your therapist is so eager to learn. What you don't want is some know-it-all who will tell you what's what. Traci, I hope for you to have a positive experience too. Let us know please. As for me, well, my wife and I are...inching toward a conversation. Yesterday I told her the source of my depression but we've left the subject alone since. Suspect more talk tonight. Therapy will be a topic of conversation I'm sure.