Selecting a Therapist

[Traci H]

On a separate thread about counseling, I interjected my difficulty in finding and securing a therapist to work with. While I am totally accepting in my CD nature, it is still causing issues in my marriage after all these years.

After not hearing back from a therapist for days on end, I started another path through a referral with a local LGBT organization. After agreeing to met with a therapist there that apparently works with CD issues, the first the first therapist finally called with apologies for his delay. I did accept an appointment to see him next week. I have been told the second therapist will be made aware of my needs at a meeting on Thursday, so I should expect a call shortly after that.

That being said, I have gone from not being able to see a therapist to having two possibilities in a short time. I am thinking of seeing both to start and then just going with the one I feel offers the most, and fits my needs. I?m not sure how insurance will play into both, but I am prepared to handle it myself if necessary.

The first is a guy, and for lack of a better description, he sounded gay or transgendered on the phone. I know that is a stereotype, but I can?t think of a better way to describe it. Supposedly he is a good match according to the clinic director.

The second therapist I have not spoken to. I don?t know the gender of this person, but the person I spoke with said he/she was anxious to work with me, having CD experiences. That carries a lot of weight at this point in time.

Do you see an issue with pursuing both of these people to start and then making a selection? Seems ok to me. Much akin to interviewing for a doctor. They tell you all the time to see various doctors when looking of one, say for treatment. Yet this in reality is normally hard to put into practice these days. Now for this situation, I really do have that opportunity. I wax thinking I should perhaps just be honest with them and say I am trying to find one I feel comfortable with and will suit my needs. After all, it?s my life, etc etc.

I?m hoping for the best. Your thoughts?

[Gail_veiled]

Traci, I'm so happy to hear that you search is finally over!

I absolutely think you should go ahead and meet with both. Hopefully it will be clear which best suits your needs but in either case I believe it would be okay and correct to tell them you have another therapist you are interviewing. Other than the financial impact, you might even be able to take a couple sessions with each to make sure of your decision. I think the worst that could happen is both are great and you have to make coin flip.

Best wishes on your first sessions!
Gail

[April Rose]

Absolutely check out both. I interviewed a half dozen therapists the second time I went to therapy, after finding I wasn't compatible with my first therapist, even though she was eminently credentialed in the area of gender identity issues. They understand the need for the patent/therapist relationship to be compatible.

One of the ones I interviewed seemed like he was interested in getting me to read his book. They are not all perfect.

[Stephanie47]

My understanding of therapy is for the patient/client to first lay out the groundwork of the issue. If you're comfortable and accepting of self, then it seems any issue of resolving an issue of spousal acceptance will require joint (husband & wife) counseling. Otherwise, you're dealing with how to negotiate an issue without participation of your wife.

My wife of 50+ years refuses to even discuss cross dressing. She is supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, but it's an issue of NIMBY. She has issues of self that predate knowing me that she has never and will never discuss with me which have had a negative effect on her achieving her full potential. Gaining knowledge over the years by bits and piece, I can figure out what her past relationship were. I can fully understand why she does not want to clear the air. During one of our last conversations she said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman." Since that last conversation she has never said a disparaging word toward the community or me. At times on this forum there were some who favored shoving cross dressing on a non accepting wife: "Take it or leave." mentality.

So, I think the resolution of the conflict comes down to how much does the husband want, and how much does the wife want to give in. If I were to seek out a therapist, it would be an issues of not self acceptance, but to deal with those who are not accepting of who I am, the total of who I am. Maybe I rambled on too much.

[docrobbysherry]

On the lines of what Stephanie said, I'm confused why you're seeing any therapist, Traci? U say you're totally accepting of your dressing.

So, what's the issue u need help with? Unless the problem is your partner?

[kimdl93]

It?s perfectly OK to see two therapists. Each may help you view your situation from different but equally relevant perspectives. That may be especially helpful since the issues related to your marriage than self-acceptance.

[Traci H]

Here?s the reason I am going to a therapist. My wife said I need to seek therapy. Rightly or wrongly I am starting there. I?m sure she hopes the will tell me how evil I am and provide full electro shock therapy, curing me immediately.

In reality, I am starting there with the full expectation that it will become couples therapy. One mentioned that already in discussions. However I have to placate my wife and show how I am trying.

My wife is exactly as Stephanie?s. She did not marry a woman!!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Stephanie, my wife is very disgusted with anything to do with crossdressing. Thought I married an open minded person, but NIMBY is very strong here.

[missjoann49]

Having been through this myself, I would have to say see them both and pick the one that you are most comfortable with. It is the same a picking a primary care Dr or surgeon, or even a dentist. If you are not comfortable with them then it makes your experience that much harder. See them both and make your pick. Trust me you won't be sorry that you did. Best wishes to you

[Traci H]

OK,this is ironic,or maybe not. Today I got a call from my healthcare provider. Yes, the wonderful UHC. The 800 pound gorilla that watches their stock price like a hawk.

Anyways the caller tells me about a new program to help people navigate health, both physical and mental. I indicate that I might have some martial issues and she wanted more detail, indicating that would fall under the program I just did not feel like telling someone that just called me, about the crossdressing issues. She said she would email information about the program. Sorry forgot the name of it. I see several listed on their webpage, but none of those rings a bell. Maybe a new program. Anyways I found it ironic after my recent adventures. Anyone else use UHC online help services?

[Heather76]

I would encourage you to meet with both of them. I have 100% free care thru the VA, but, I have always seen a private practice PCP on a regular basis. I like always getting a 2nd opinion on things that matter. While I know you don't plan to see 2 therapists on a regular basis, seeing both of them will give you the opportunity to determine which one is the better fit for your circumstances and personality.

[TheHiddenMe]

Yes, interview both.

I wouldn't have the expectation of couples counseling. Why poke the bear? Your wife isn't changing, because she's not the problem, you are! (SARCASM ALERT!!!!!!!).

Anyone cannot make another person happy. You cannot make your wife happy about your crossdressing. Go for you, not your wife, although going might get you a few brownie points with her. Go, and if she asks, answer honestly. Otherwise, I suggest you go and not bring it up, because poking the bear isn't likely to help anything.

Good luck, but I hope you find value in the therapy for YOU.

[JesseVF]

Traci - my experience has been that therapists want their clients to be matched up with best one they connect with so they get the best outcome, so definitely see both. They shouldn?t have any problem with it.
My wife saw her own therapist separately when I started and it was helpful to her.

[Bea_]

I on the side that would have you see the both to decide on the best fit.

[Traci H]

Yep, got going to start with both and see how it progresses. Should e interesting to see their approach, etc. I very much think my wife needs to partake in some therapy as well, either together or on her own. I see many issues that she needs to deal with besides the crossdressing partner. Whether she will go of course is another matter. Her doctor wanted her to go on a GLP-1 for weight loss, but she would have no part of that. Her doctor told her that unless she loses weight, her next 5-10 years are not going to be good. Did she listen?

We shall see what happens.

Thanks so much for your input. I have no one to talk to about this.

Traci

[docrobbysherry]

Good luck, Traci! But, if your seeing a therapist for marital problems? U can consult a 100. In my experience if she refuses to come u may be wasting their and your time.

[Traci H]

Doc, don?t know until you try, right? Doing what I can. Fingers crossed.

[Traci H]

Just a bit of an update. I would have had my visit with the first therapist at this point, except he got Covid. So now that visit will be next week. In the meantime the second therapist came through and I have that visit set for the following day. Now just waiting for it all to happen and see if this is of any help or not. I am trying to remain positive.

[Marketa]

Good luck, Traci. I wish you to find what you need as soon as possible.
From my own experience I know how important it is to find a good therapist.

[Rhonda Jean]

This is sounding familiar. Therapy was good for me in some ways, but not in a marriage-saving way. I have an ex wife to prove it.

I paid out of pocket. I didn't want it showing up on my medical records.

I was not for it in the beginning. Long story. Once I started I found it very, well, therapeutic. Couldn't wait till the next one, and I was going twice a week for a while.

Hope yours works out better than mine.

[JesseVF]

Traci - sorry for the delays but glad things are moving along and confident good things to come.

[Lucy Long Legs]

I've been seeing a councellor/therapist on a regular basis for several years and it's been great! I feel very uncomfortable with men when I'm dressed so I chose a woman simply by looking at her picture and she's perfect! For my first visit I dressed up as well as I could with full makeup etc and started by saying I don't have a "problem" with it and I don't want to be "cured". She was very nice about my appearance and I said I really wanted to try and identify why I have dressed up regularly since my teens and had no idea why. After many visits of talking it through, I think, between us, I have worked it out.
I recommend the experience thoroughly!

[docrobbysherry]

I'm curious why u and others felt the need to dress for your appointment(s), Lucy?

THat never even occurred to me in mine!

[Gail_veiled]

Hi Doc,

A part of what I want to discuss in therapy is certainly related to my crossdressing expression. Dressing up for that first session was 100% for my own benefit in that it forced me to start out with complete openness and vulnerability. I think this did help in my second session, which was both in person and drab, since I had already visually and mentally got that behind me. Kind of a ripping off the bandage and not allowing myself to hide behind any language barriers that I might unconsciously bring along.

I am firmly convinced there is no right or wrong way to approach this and everyone seeking counseling is different in motivation, method, and comfort level and should do what feels right in their own circumstance.

[Traci H]

I am going to provide an update to my situation. This week, I saw both therapists, each at a different facility. Each visit was about one hour and was mostly a background gathering event with lots of questions. As stated in both visits I was seeing a male therapist. While not my ideal choice, I decided to let it play out. So far the experience has not provided much in the way of insight. I do have follow-up appointments with both in the future

I have found out that I will not be charged at either office. When I inquired about payment at the first, I was told it was an internship program and there would be no charge. The second appointment was arranged through the local LBGT center in our city and again they do not charge for counseling. Still wrapping my head around those situations.

I must admit I am not getting the warm and fuzzies about either therapists, but I feel I need to let it play out a bit to see where it goes. Will they suggest couples counseling or what?

I was a bit put off by the atmosphere at the office at the LGBT center. The meeting room smelled like an old gym locker room and made it feel less professional. Not sure what was going on there. Subtle things that I did not expect.

I am going to follow-up with the second appointment and hopefully things will be clear. Years ago I briefly saw an older female therapist and I found it in line with what I expected. I hesitate to have start my search all over again, but I can see that as a possibility.

[JesseVF]

Doc to your question about us dressing therapy, my desire is to dress feminine for pretty much all my life?s activities. So that would include therapy, medical appts, going for a walk etc?of course I can?t do that for various reasons, so seeing an accepting therapist is one time I actually can. Also I think it promotes better conversations.
Traci - yeah maybe not super ideal situations with these two but at least it?s a start, and may work out. Or at least give you a baseline for what you?re looking for.