I told my wife ... it did NOT go well

[KirstyChibiMoon]

She also asked what clothes I had but I refused to answer that since I didn't think it would actually help much at all at the moment.

Hello,
When my husband came out to me, I wanted to know everything. All of the questions I asked, no matter how hard, he answered. I think that for somepeople it helps to know everything, and then digest it..that's how I liked it. I just wanted to let you know that everyone is different however, I know you want to protect her and I can tell you love her dearly. Comming from a GG who totally freaked out when I first found out, she may just need time and answers. Give her both of them and what is supposed to happen, will happen. Good luck, and please tell her she is not alone, Someone in Minnesota USA has fealt the same exact way. [/QUOTE]


yeah!! i feel just like that!!!!
<<giggles>>

[marti]

I told my wife about my dressing about 5 years ago after almost 20 years of marriage. She had helped me dress for halloween once and as a joke once and had polished my nails a couple of times in the past. She took it pretty well at first although she had all of the usual questions. I didn't go too crazy but took it a little too much and she rebelled. Now she wants nothing to do with it or see it.She does know that I dress when she isn't around and has never given any ultimatums that I stop. I guess that I am lucky that she is still with me and I hopethat someday she may accept it more. Go very slowly, even though she may be accepting a little now she may also have a rebound and despise it in the future.

[fionasboots]

Things have got much worse

My wife felt that she didn't have anyone to talk to (she doesn't have many, if any close friends) so she had to confide in her mother (I said that it was ultimately up to her who she spoke to and I would take the consequence).

I then had to tell my parents since my wife's mother was going to ring them. I completely broke down in tears when I broke that news over the phone.

I then completely dissolved when my wife asked how it went. She said it would be better if I went up there to give her and me time.

When we arrived we both broke down again.

Talking to my parents was not fun (as you can imagine) and they certainly didn't hide the fact that they thought that there was hard and big decisions ahead.

Both sets of parents have agreed to keep this quite for now and have said that myself and my wife need to go to the doctors in order to get referred to someone that can help (counselling) - yes, there may be other places to start but the doctors have the right information and give a certain degree of authenticity to any suggestions.

The over-whelming response seems to have been that everyone is completely shocked and hurt by this bomb-shell that I have dropped. The implication is also (because maybe they don't fully understand this) that I need to "hang up my clothes" (my Dad used this expression) and that may help moving forwards.

The suggestion from talking to my parents is that my wife will not accept this carrying on. I think that this is porbably true and worse that the damage is already done and that is it.

I am obviously in pieces and don't know what to do/think. I have a friend here who I have talked to and she is being very supportive (and has had experience of CDers before so it totally un-fazed by the concept).

Two things are sticking in my head at the moment though:

1) I can't seem to fully understand the attitude that this is the worst thing I could possibly do/be. I know that initial reactions are always going to be worse than after people understand more but the over-whelming feeling from my wife and everyone else is that what I have done is akin almost to murder and is even worse than having an affair! It worries me that my point-of-view ("this is just something I do, I can't help it") is so far from theirs that there is no hope of bridging the gap.

2) I am STILL thinking of CDing - I was waiting on the train station and heard and then watched a young girl walk by in high heels and I immediately wanted to get dressed and put mine on. I also was concerned about getting all of my things out of the house, although my wife agreed that this was good as she was feeling sick at the thought of them being there. I wanted to save them though, I didn't want to throw them away (or have them thrown away).

Also I have a business trip to India for 2 weeks, leaving Thursday and have to go back home to pack - I'm already planning what clothes I need to take from my parents to home to pack so I can dress while away.

This makes me think even more that I am doomed, I can't honestly say "yep, I can give up anytime". My life has been shattered.

[swiss_susan]

Fiona,

I'm sorry that this has taken a turn for the worse, and I will be the first to admit I have never been in that position.

I will however say this, each relationship you have is different, wether with parents, or a spouse, or anyone else, and I really think you should try to work with each differently.

Obviously given that the is also a youngster involved, the most important one to focus on is between you and your wife (in my opinion). At some point I think you should sit down with her (before your trip if possible) and try to establish at least a short term plan.

This is really not something that need concern the rest of the family for the moment.

I can only hope and pray that you will be able to resolve the current situation, and my thoughts are with you.

Best wishes

Susan

[Scotty]

I think you are going to be in for a serious emotional roller coaster for a while, so hang in there.

What you sound like you need is her assurance that you two can work this out......once you know that, heck, it's all details from there.

I wish the best for you two!!

And give her some manuevering room too, sounds like she's trying to make this work out.

[kathy gg]

Hi....

hmm, I know this is not the time to say this, because you are struggeling....but people who might be faced with "coming out" need to learn about this.

WOMEN NEED someone to talk to. That is why making a connection with an SO support group or finding a safe place or person for her to talk to is ABSOLUTELY a must.

I think getting your/her parents involved was unnecessary. I understand why you told her what you did...but all this is the work of an unprepared person.

She did as many do. They confide in someone who has no freaking clue what it means to be tg or cd and then are surprised when all hell breaks loose.

I am not scolding you, but this pattern gets repeated so much it is like watching a rerun of Seinfeld.

The problem is now, no matter what happens to her acceptance levels you will always hae this hanging over your head from her family and yours. Cding does not have to ever be this public...I mean I understood this right....you have not even gone out dressed right? I mean we are talking about clothing.....

I really am sorry this all is turning into hell.....but I wish you had taken better percautions to get her educated about this and get her proper people to hook up with for reassurance or something....what about this othe gg friend...? why was she not the 'go-to' gal in this?

Anyway....I hope other people can at least learn how super-duper important it is to present cding with info laid out and at hand.....not spur of the moment off the cufff....rarely does it work out favorably.

[kali GG]

This is pretty much exactly what happened when my CD husband told me. He didn't really plan to tell me, it just kind of came out in bits and pieces, with me getting more and more freaked out along the way, wondering what the next big secret would be.

And I did tell my father, much to my husband's horror. My dad is my best friend and when I was crying on the phone and he asked what was going on, I was so in need of support and guidance that I did. Then, years later, when it became clear that my marriage was really on the rocks, I told my mother. She is actually quite supportive of my husband, while being understanding of my pain. She doesn't understand the compulsion of CD, but she realizes it must be a serious need of my husband's because she knows he would not hurt me and jeopardize the family if it weren't important to him. I realize that now too. But honestly...it took me years to get here and my marriage is still over, barring a miracle.

It reminded me of what you said in your post about how despite the pain and confusion going on in your family right now, you still have dressing on your mind. That goes to show that it must run pretty deep and isn't something you just get rid of, as I thought (and hoped) for several years.

You sound just like my husband when you say, "it's not like I'm a murderer," etc. And you're right, it's not like it's morally wrong to CD, of course. And a lot of GGs seem to say, "it's not the dressing, it's the lying." But that's only part of the story for me.

I could forgive the lying. I understand hiding something when you are so scared of rejection from someone you love. The heart of the matter is that when I found out about my husband's CD, it completely killed my ability to be attracted to him. Like a switch was thrown. And I couldn't get it back. So my anger and pain is really more about having that rug pulled out from under me. Now we are separated, with two small kids.

So maybe your wife is afraid deep down that she won't be able to handle it long-term, and she's looking at her life crumbling and so she is freaking out. It may not make sense to the CD, it never did to my husband, but for some wives (me, anyway) it feels like overnight your husband is gone and your life as you knew it is over, and there is a lot of grief and mourning that goes with that loss.

I'm sorry things are spinning out of control, I know how hard all this has been on my husband as well as on me so I can imagine how you feel.

Best wishes from a GG in the trenches.

Kali GG

[fionasboots]

Hi....

hmm, I know this is not the time to say this, because you are struggeling....but people who might be faced with "coming out" need to learn about this.

Kathy, having read your posts before I respect the advice you have given before to me and others and totally accept that sometimes this may be a harsh reality. If my experience helps others then so be it.

WOMEN NEED someone to talk to. That is why making a connection with an SO support group or finding a safe place or person for her to talk to is ABSOLUTELY a must.

I think getting your/her parents involved was unnecessary. I understand why you told her what you did...but all this is the work of an unprepared person.

Yes, I agree, I was not prepared. I only realise how and why I was unprepared now. Which is obviously too late.

I do not know what advice my wife has recieved from the doctor regarding a referral to a support group, I hope that it has been the right advice and that she will get some help.

She did as many do. They confide in someone who has no freaking clue what it means to be tg or cd and then are surprised when all hell breaks loose.

I can't say I'm surprised all hell has broken lose, numb, shocked, actually also some degree of relief as well.

I would agree with the "no freaking clue" - my parents have already "annoyed" me by there complete lack of understanding. This is not their fault, I do NOT hold this against them and I am now going to have to work hard to make them understand. It will be even harder to get my wife's parents to understand.

I am not scolding you, but this pattern gets repeated so much it is like watching a rerun of Seinfeld.

I have not watched Seinfeld, the analogy is lost on me ;-)

No, I know you are not scolding, like I said before, if others learn from my mistakes then that is a good thing.

Maybe sometimes you have to make your own mistakes to learn, I would prefer not to but I seem to be in that situation now. I usually try to learn from others mistakes, I would advise everyone to do that with this thread!

The problem is now, no matter what happens to her acceptance levels you will always hae this hanging over your head from her family and yours. Cding does not have to ever be this public...I mean I understood this right....you have not even gone out dressed right? I mean we are talking about clothing.....

No, I have not been out dressed (apart from the pretty embarrasing walk around liverpool in high-heel boots). I maybe would go out but at the moment no, it's just clothes.

I really am sorry this all is turning into hell.....but I wish you had taken better percautions to get her educated about this and get her proper people to hook up with for reassurance or something....what about this othe gg friend...? why was she not the 'go-to' gal in this?

The GG friend is my friend and unfortunately not at all close to my wife. My wife has always found it hard to find and keep close friends, she is very insecure. I have tried to encourage her to make more friends and go out with the girls at work more she is still more or less alone.

I think there is also a degree of envy as well, my wife has a hard job (nursery nurse), I sit in an office in front of a computer all day and have fun since I have good colleagues. The GG friend is one of them. My wife therefore wraps computers, works and my friends all up into something to be jealous of.

Anyway....I hope other people can at least learn how super-duper important it is to present cding with info laid out and at hand.....not spur of the moment off the cufff....rarely does it work out favorably.

I have learnt this the hard way

[fionasboots]

This is pretty much exactly what happened when my CD husband told me. He didn't really plan to tell me, it just kind of came out in bits and pieces, with me getting more and more freaked out along the way, wondering what the next big secret would be.

I hope now that the big secret is out, I certainly can't think of anything "big" anymore, it's all just details.

And I did tell my father, much to my husband's horror. My dad is my best friend and when I was crying on the phone and he asked what was going on, I was so in need of support and guidance that I did.

Did you not have anyone else to turn to?
No close friends?
My wife does not really have any close friends either so it did make sense for her to turn to her mother who she has always said is her best friend.

Then, years later, when it became clear that my marriage was really on the rocks, I told my mother. She is actually quite supportive of my husband, while being understanding of my pain. She doesn't understand the compulsion of CD, but she realizes it must be a serious need of my husband's because she knows he would not hurt me and jeopardize the family if it weren't important to him. I realize that now too. But honestly...it took me years to get here and my marriage is still over, barring a miracle.

I really do hope you get your miracle. If you can post here and talk openly about this to us and presumably to your husband and family I hope you can manage to work things out.

It reminded me of what you said in your post about how despite the pain and confusion going on in your family right now, you still have dressing on your mind. That goes to show that it must run pretty deep and isn't something you just get rid of, as I thought (and hoped) for several years.

I think other people have said that dressing can sometimes help relieve stress and maybe it takes them out of themselves for a while.

I know in the past when I have been worried about something I have often had the urge to get dressed up as it gives me something to concentrate on and maybe it uses up the imagination so that I can no longer spare any to worry about the thing concerning me.

As far as giving up, well, I have tried that many times before and ultimately I start thinking about CDing again and then the urge gets strong enought that I do it a little and then alot.

You sound just like my husband when you say, "it's not like I'm a murderer," etc. And you're right, it's not like it's morally wrong to CD, of course. And a lot of GGs seem to say, "it's not the dressing, it's the lying." But that's only part of the story for me.

I can fully understand the lying aspect, that is ultimately why I had to tell. This is both a self-less and selfish act; by coming out I am saying that I want to be totally honest, it is right that my wife knows everything about me. On the other hand by coming clean I am removing a huge burden from myself, I do feel better now that everything is out in the open, there is no longer any need to lie, to hide, to supress anything.

I could forgive the lying. I understand hiding something when you are so scared of rejection from someone you love. The heart of the matter is that when I found out about my husband's CD, it completely killed my ability to be attracted to him. Like a switch was thrown. And I couldn't get it back.

I had never thought about it like that, I'm glad you've said that as I may never have known that my wife may be going through the same thing. She has certainly said (screamed) that she didn't want to be near me and just had images of me in her head.

When you say you are no longer attracted to him in what way do you mean? I presume this would be in the sense of sexual attraction but surely there should be something else that makes up why someone is attracted to someone else? Or maybe without one part of attraction the other is also gone?

So my anger and pain is really more about having that rug pulled out from under me. Now we are separated, with two small kids.

I am truely sorry that kids are involved for you also. We only have one, a son who is soon to be 3years old. He knew my wife and I were upset and gave us both kisses. Just thinking about this breaks my heart.

So maybe your wife is afraid deep down that she won't be able to handle it long-term, and she's looking at her life crumbling and so she is freaking out. It may not make sense to the CD, it never did to my husband, but for some wives (me, anyway) it feels like overnight your husband is gone and your life as you knew it is over, and there is a lot of grief and mourning that goes with that loss.

Thank you again for sharing this with me, while it isn't a comforting thought it is helping me understand what my wife may be thinking and why she said and did certain things.

I'm sorry things are spinning out of control, I know how hard all this has been on my husband as well as on me so I can imagine how you feel.

Can I ask if you still love/care about your husband? I will understand if you don't want to answer such a direct and blunt question, I guess it's not a simple answer anyway.

Even through all the hell my wife has shown glimpses of tenderness and caring, I hope this continue no matter what happens.

Best wishes from a GG in the trenches.
Kali GG

Again, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, they have been very helpful to me.

I do hope things work out well for you, your husband and your children.

[Di]

I'm hopefull that after this roller coaster of emotions that your wife is going through...that she will realize that she loves you.....after all you are this person all along...the one she loves . Answer all her questions honestly...and tell her...your sorry for keeping this from her...but were afraid of losing her...and you are the same person....And you will not....not keep anything from her again.Take it slow....and I hope she can feel like she can trust you again.

[susanalter]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've been there myself. I think ideally we all hope are wives will be turned-on by our CDing or at least willing to experiment and have fun with it. But that is rarely the case. I can understand why they wouldn't be attracted to worse case scenario- a man in a dress, or best case scenario- another woman (unless she has some bi-tendencies which I don't think is genuinely as common as people make it out to be). Would you be attracted to a woman who looks like a man?

As I was reading through your posts, I was going to say not to get too excited by her seemingly "okay" reaction the next morning. As I progressed through your entries, I see that I was right. My wife went through the same thing. She probably wants to not be bothered by it, or to make light of it, but she can't help but be turned off by it.

If my wife had told anyone I would have died and I made that clear to her. I hope to God she didn't discuss it with anyone but she said she did not. She felt lost and needed someone to talk to but she respected my privacy so she turned to the internet. There is a lot of sicko stuff (pornography and all) about us, but she found some forums and read through them and said to me that she was surprised to find thousands of people like me. All of a sudden it wasn't so scary. Not normal but... not so abnormal anymore either.

I would be nervous about people knowing and about your wife telling others. Ask her to respect your privacy as well. But at the same time, I would play down your CDing. Don't lay it all on her at once. She has to realize that you are still the person she fell in love with and that nothing will really change in your marriage (that is assuming you are a casual CDer and don't want to do it full-time). She is probably scared of all sorts of crazy things- that you'll want to dress as a woman all the time, become a "real" woman, want to have sex with men, etc. Wether you deny those things or not she may be worried about it especially since you haven't been honest with her until now. Plus ignorance on a subject naturally breads fear. Any which way, she will be worried of her life being turned upside down. I would try hard to act normal and be the same fun loving manly guy she knew all these years. Don't even mention the dressing up (or do so sparingly) and most of all DON'T dress. At least not where she can see you or would know. Try to be normal. I may get flack for saying that from the other members about not being your true self. But let's face it- SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE FIRST is more important. Ease her into it. After she's calmed down about it you can slowly, slowly bring up things here or there. Baby steps may not get you where you want to go quickly, but they will at least be more likely to get you there.

I found that to be more effective with my wife. And while she still isn't comfortable dressing with me in front of her or anything, she says she is okay with me doing it on my own. And a couple times i slept in bed with her in just a simple nightgown and she was totally cool with it when she woke up the next morning. Not happy about it but no more upset then when I say, left the toilet seat up (actually, I think she gets much more upset about the toilet seat).

If the baby steps thing isn't working or you don't want to give it a try, therapy may not be a bad idea at all. At the very least I would like to think a therapist would be more educated on the subject and more open minded. He/she may be able to convince your wife that this isn't such a horrible thing and can be quite normal. I mean come on- it's not like you were born a pediphile or something. I don't have much experience with this though- you may want to ask around on the forums for a therapist who is more sympathetic to people like us. An authority figure who tells your wife it is both okay for you to dress and for her to have her initial fear might do you wonders. After all, your respective parents aren't a help.

On that note, I'm impressed you told your parents. And while it may take them time to adapt, they are your parents and should love you and support you no matter what! You should tell them so to remind them of this fact. This is a hard enough time for you without them making it more difficult. And if they aren't comfortable about your dressing they should at least do their best to be helpful in terms of saving your marriage. If not for their son's sake, then for their grandson's sake.

[kali GG]

Don't worry, your question is not too blunt. I do love my husband and care for him. It seems, though, that since all of this surfaced, that the love has changed from a romantic, sexual love to that of a deep friendship. I'm not angry at him (anymore...like I said, it took years), I want his happiness, I enjoy his company...I just have no sexual desire for him whatsoever, and it's been this way for over a year. If we were older, maybe I'd feel differently, but I'm 37 and I can't live without passion and intimacy in my life at this point in time.

You raise an interesting point...what attracts us to someone? Surely it must be more than sexual. I think you're right. And I have very little hope that I'll ever meet another man who can provide for me all the other wonderful things my husband always has, and who would care about me as much. That being said...I still can't get past the lack of sex in a marriage. Makes it more tragic, in a way, that we have a lot else going for us including feelings of love and caring.

Why, if I love him, can I not "rebuild" the intimacy/sex part? I wish I knew the answer to this, I would do it in a heartbeat. We've spent years in therpay and believe me, there's been a lot of talking, working, trying. It's just gone. In a lot of ways, sex is such a gut-level thing. I guess I'm hoping to find some answers on these boards. On that note, I would like to ask you a very personal question...I certainly don't want to pry, but I think we are in a unique position to help each other see the other side of this.

Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life? Because I think if you do, and your wife is getting what she needs from you as a man in that capacity, then there is a lot of hope for your situation. In my situation, our sex life was always problematic, and when I found out about his CD, everything kind of "clicked." I was not getting what I needed sexually, and suddenly, I felt like I understood why.

You see, my husband likes to be submissive in bed and "serve" me. I was looking for something different, i.e., a man to "take" me. That just runs totally counter to who he is. When I found out about the CD, I felt like the feminine side of him definitely carried over into our sex life and that was something I really couldn't come to terms with. That's what stopped me cold sexually, I think. He told me that his ultimate fantasy would be to have sex with me while dressed. I love the guy, he's a good father and there is a lot of goodwill here...but it ain't gonna happen.

I wish I knew how common/uncommon the desire to be submissive sexually is among CD. It makes sense that it would be pretty prevalent. If I may be so bold, I would be curious to know your thoughts on the matter.

One ray of hope I can give you is that depsite the lows we have hit (screaming at each other in a therapist's office--and out--and me saying horrible, hateful things) we really do seem to have a lot of consideration for each other underneath it all, and I think that will always be the case. Very important when there are kids to be raised, obviously. I hope that even if your marriage ends, that you can still have that too.

Kali GG

[fionasboots]

Well things seem to be getting worse by the day.

I did have a few texts with my wife yesterday that were okay and I had a brief conversation with her about a present for my sons birthday. She then text'ed to say I could come over but then when I phoned her she said no.

She also said no to be staying over tonight when I do need to go and pick up some clothes for a business trip to India for two weeks. I had hoped I could stay over and have the taxi for the airport pick me up.

She got very upset and said I couldn't stay at all. She even phoned my parents to say that I wasn't listening and could they make sure I understood I shouldn't stay.

Also I asked my wife if she had seen anyone and she said that the doctor had referred her to a Relate (marriage guidance) and she went yesterday. Apparently the woman she saw was in tears with her because she felt so sorry for my wife! I couldn't believe this!

So as things stand my wife, her parents, my parents, and now a counseller (who should be independant) are all against me.

Could anyone recommend any organisations which I could direct my wife to that would help her get to grips with the CDing thing, clearly the approach so far doesn't seem very sympathetic to me.

I am going to see the doctor today (my wife said I should and I'm happy to do that) and I'm going to ask if he knows of groups that could help.

This is spiralling out of control and, at the moment, there doesn't seem to be any hope of recovering anything from the situation, everyone seems to think that the end result is a foregone conclusion

[ArleneRaquel]

My heart goes out to you,at this time of such great emotional stress!Please be strong,there are many of us out here who wish you only the best! from Katrina Maureen,you will always be in my thoughts!

[noname]

I'm really sorry to hear that things are not going well. I also hope things turn around soon. I am also sorry to hear that no one seems to be taking into consideration your feelings.

[Deborah_UK]

Fiona,

I have watched your threads with interest over the last few months, but have refrained from adding my two pennyworth because of the many positive and supportive responses. However you've now reached a point that I can really relate to - albeit it happened almost 25 years ago!

Unfortunately, in this life, you can't always get what you want. There are a lot of GGs out there who just cannot handle the idea of their husband/boyfriend crossdressing. My ex-wife reacted almost identically to the way your wife is reacting. She also told my parents - but not until a couple of days before we actually separated. My parents were shocked, and my dad cried. But they supported me - although it was "swept under the carpet" subsequently.

The worse thing that you can do right now is to go on that business trip to India. While you are away your wife's mind will focus on all the negativity, and if her parents back up the same message, I'm sorry Fiona, but I fear you'll be receiving the divorce petition on your return.

It would be wrong to pretend otherwise.

I desperately hope I'm wrong, and everyone's experiences differ, but everything does only point to one outcome. But whatever you do - don't promise her anything and everything (i.e. giving up/purging) because you know it just stores it up for the future.

I'm sorry this is a negative response - and probably not what you want to hear, but its a dose of reality I'm afraid.

[fionasboots]

Don't worry, your question is not too blunt. I do love my husband and care for him. It seems, though, that since all of this surfaced, that the love has changed from a romantic, sexual love to that of a deep friendship. I'm not angry at him (anymore...like I said, it

Do you still live in the same house or apart? If apart is there a great distance between where you both live or is it just around the corner?

How have the living arrangements affected your children?
How has this whole process affected your children.

took years), I want his happiness, I enjoy his company...I just have no sexual desire for him whatsoever, and it's been this way for over a year. If we were older, maybe I'd

I suppose that the harder you may try to find him sexually attractive the more difficult it may be to actually do that, I guess that you would be forever watching yourself for how you felt or reacted. I guess that just reinforces the lack of desire since to actually have a sexual relationship with him would be uncomfortable.

feel differently, but I'm 37 and I can't live without passion and intimacy in my life at this point in time.

Yes, that's perfectly understandable and sadly I suppose that leads you to the conclusion that divorce is the only option so that you can (both) at least then try and find what you feel you need with someone else.

You raise an interesting point...what attracts us to someone? Surely it must be more than sexual. I think you're right. And I have very little hope that I'll ever meet another man who can provide for me all the other wonderful things my husband always has, and who would care about me as much. That being said...I still can't get past the lack of sex in a marriage. Makes it more tragic, in a way, that we have a lot else going for us including feelings of love and caring.

I suppose the standard answer in all these cases is "sure, you'll find someone else" but that obviously doesn't help the both of you and may not turn out to be the case.

I'm sure the thoughts of "I won't find anyone else" encourage people to stay together and the opposite thoughts of "yes, I can easily find someone else" drive them apart.

I don't know the best way to go, that being the route you both need to take to be happy which is obviously the ultimate aim.

At the moment my wife just doesn't want to see me at all, I hope in time that we can at least arrive at something like the position that you and your husband are in where you can at least care for each other and recognise that there is still some love there even if there are still things that need to be sorted out.

Why, if I love him, can I not "rebuild" the intimacy/sex part? I wish I knew the answer to this, I would do it in a heartbeat. We've spent years in therpay and believe me, there's been a lot of talking, working, trying. It's just gone. In a lot of ways, sex is such a gut-level thing. I guess I'm hoping to find some answers on these boards.

Well I can only offer theories or ramblings gibberish myself but, like I say above, I think maybe the pressure of trying to rebuild the intimacy is in itself something that contributes to the lack of progress. Any sort of pressure for either your husband or yourself is going to make things harder.

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this cycle apart from taking things slowly and not trying to rush to the bedroom straight away. I guess there are things that give each of you pleasure and maybe just taking one thing at a time could help.

I really honestly don't know so excuse me if the above is just naive rambling.

On that note, I would like to ask you a very personal question...I certainly don't want to pry, but I think we are in a unique position to help each other see the other side of this.

That it true, I'm more than happy to talk about this, if it helps us and anyone else, so much the better.

Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life? Because I think if you do, and your wife is getting what she needs from you as a man in that capacity, then there is a lot of hope for your situation. In my situation, our sex life was always problematic, and when I found out about his CD, everything kind of "clicked." I was not getting what I needed sexually, and suddenly, I felt like I understood why.

I think the short answer would have to be "no". I don't feel I am very experienced sexually (late starter with getting a girlfriend and not many of them before my wife) and I can't say I have a great deal of confidence in myself in this area either.

Equally my wife seems to have the same lack of experience and certainly has never shown much inclination to be adventurous. She has also been very insecure in some respects, for example I made the typical guy request for her to wear some sexy underwear and she felt very embarrassed in it and, on occasion asked for the lights to be turned off.

Also a combination of circumstances led to us not having regular sex for a fairly significant amount of time. Mainly this was caused by the birth of our son (I completely understand that this would put any woman of sex for a while) but then it just seemed to be more insecurities on both sides and things just sort of settled into nothing happening because that was just "easier".

You see, my husband likes to be submissive in bed and "serve" me. I was looking for something different, i.e., a man to "take" me. That just runs totally counter to who he is. When I found out about the CD, I felt like the feminine side of him definitely carried over into our sex life and that was something I really couldn't come to terms with. That's what stopped me cold sexually, I think. He told me that his ultimate fantasy would be to have sex with me while dressed. I love the guy, he's a good father and there is a lot of goodwill here...but it ain't gonna happen.

I'm not sure about the sex while dressed thing for me, I certainly have thought about it and I've always thought that I would like it and maybe it might become something that I need to do to keep things exciting/different.

I can understand that this is probably not a turn-on for you as it's ultimately going to be like making love to a woman which is obviously not something you would want to do.

I'm not too sure about the whole submissive nature of this though, I think I may tend towards that idea in some respects but I don't think I would describe myself as "submissive" overall. This could be just because I don't fully understand all the implications.

I wish I knew how common/uncommon the desire to be submissive sexually is among CD. It makes sense that it would be pretty prevalent. If I may be so bold, I would be curious to know your thoughts on the matter.

I would guess, and this is just a pure guess, that it could be half/half since I suppose there are those that want to act like strong women and those that wish to be submissive. I can see why there may be higher numbers of submissive CDers though.

Have you talked to your husband about this and suggested that he be less submissive? I don't see that he should always be completely submissive and maybe he take the opposite role sometimes. I guess that you can come up with ways to vary how you approach this without having to stick to the same roles all the time.

One ray of hope I can give you is that depsite the lows we have hit (screaming at each other in a therapist's office--and out--and me saying horrible, hateful things) we really do seem to have a lot of consideration for each other underneath it all, and I think that will always be the case. Very important when there are kids to be raised, obviously. I hope that even if your marriage ends, that you can still have that too.

Kali GG

It is obviously VERY early days for us and I guess that everything I am describing you can relate to having probably been through it before.

I do hope that something can be salvaged from this mess, and like you say if we can at least recognise that we do care for each other then this will help us and our son.

However, as my previous posts have said, things are stacked against me and therefore "us" at the moment so I can't be that hopeful just yet.

[HaleyPink2000]

Been there, got the T shirt!0.02

PM me if you want to! I'll talk to ya on messanger yahoo if you need to chat.

[Raychel]

And the wives wonder why this is kept a secret from them. It is stories like this that makes everyone just stay in the closet. I am praying for a happy ending. Hopefully your wife will find the right counselor.

[Lilith Moon]

As a minority group we still have a long way to go. The common theme with disclosures that do not go well is a reaction of hysteria as if what we do is, somehow, an activity that is extremely damaging or harmful...almost up there with murder.

We need to, somehow, get people to understand that what we do is, fer crissake, less harmful than having affairs, murdering old ladies, driving dangerously or even smoking cigarettes.

The basic fact is...we like to wear clothes traditionally worn by the opposite sex...so what ?

0.02

[DonnaT]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Never voluntarily move out.

Fiona,

It's still your house isn't it?

This living apart and her tring to work out things, NOT on her own, but instead with folks that appear to be against you JUST AIN'T WORKING!

And as you keep say, it's getting worse.

I suggest moving back in and and both of you start communicating with each other.

[fionasboots]

Once again, a huge thank you to all the help, advice and support you are all giving me. It does mean alot and is helping me to understand my wifes feelings and my own as well.

For everyone that has sent me a PM or offered to chat to me over Yahoo, and would also like to say a special thank you and to appologise for not having taken anyone up on these offers yet. Things have been really hectic with the business trip and I simply haven't had the opportunity or time to return PMs or start chatting.

I promise that, once I get settled into the hotel in India and have time to chat then I will. Again, many thanks for all that have offered to chat.

Deborah, regarding the trip to India; I agree that it's probably bad timing although with my wife wanting me out of the house anyway it's maybe an opportune moment to be away. Due to bad timing (my fault) and the fact that this trip is very important it's not something I can get out of easily. I'm also likely to be VERY busy so this may help me also.

I went over to the house tonight to pick pack for the trip, this was the first time I have seen my wife since the Sunday and I was VERY nervous.

It turned out that my wifes mother had also turned up which I thought may be a rather mean thing to do but it turns out that she may have simply been there to help my wife out. I don't have a problem with this.

It also meant that my son was there which was hard but at the same time it was really nice to see him and be able to give him a big hug and kiss.

I talked a little to my wife who was still very angry and tried to explain my history of CDing and why I hadn't told her anything before getting married. She was more angry than upset during this (I can understand) and she is adamant that she has now lost her husband (she isn't wearing any of her rings - I still wear mine).

When I started to pack it got too much for me and I broke down completely, I thought I was going to be calm and relatively together, I was totally wrong. Hearing my son playing downstairs and all sorts of other things made me cry uncontrollably, it really was too much.

I now just feel drained and tried and need to get to sleep ... shouldn't really be on the computer but haven't got anyone else to talk to at the moment.

My wife has said I can see my son at anytime and has agreed to let me see him on his birthday, which is when I return home from India. She has also, very grudingly, said I can be at his party on the Saturday. She has said I can't stay in the house at all.

She phoned some friends of ours and they have guessed something is wrong but don't know what. They will be at my sons party as well.

I'm hoping (in vain in all probabilty) that the two weeks apart will help my wife calm down and maybe I will be able to stay in the house. If I can't I really don't know what I'll do, I don't have many local friends who have space for me

I best go get some sleep, got to be up early.

Again, thank you all for everything you have said, I really do appreciate it ... I wish I could think of better words to say thank you

[Janice Ashton]

There has been so many replies and offers of help and advise and you probably are still non the wiser as to the way forward (I've been there like many before) once you let the Genie out of the bottle all you can do is move forward as best you can until the rocky road levels out again, or, choose a new route, not easy, don't envy you, but Good luck and I hope it reaches a happy conclusion.
Louise

[Sarah Rabbit]

Our Hearts are with you Hun......Take care



Sarah R.

[Sophia Rearen]

The last thing my wife said to me was that she didn't like liars. I think this was something I expected from what has been said to me before about coming out.

She is absolutely right, I have lied to her and hidden things from her I did try and say that I had wanted to tell her and that I was confused about this for a long time.

So sorry for your situation, Fiona. Not surprised though. I'd have to say that the crossdressing is probably secondary to her concerns. Afterall, it's only clothes. Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? If you answered no to these than the two of you will work it out. There is a childs life at stake here. It cannot be be compromised over clothes.
In the not to distant past I replied to your "Told a downright lie" thread; http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...490#post482490 Isn't this first and foremost? I'd be willing to bet that it's the lying that is the root of the problem. It's being masked in her anger by your crossdressing. Most people lie, few crossdress. It's easy to attack the crossdressing.