Secrets and Lies

[Amy Hepker]

The rael problem here is that we cannot be who we really want to be and get what would really make us happy. This is a understanding relationship with the people we want to be with. I guess we do tend to put on a show to get what we want and who doesn't. (Girl dresses to impress a certain guy and a guy dresses to impress that certain girl) The problem is, that a lot of us are Hetrosexual and want to be with a person of the opposite sex, but some of us also have another person inside us that wants to be LOVED also and expressed also. A lot of us will not find a GG Girl if we are dressed as a girl, so we tend to go find someone dressed as our outerself MALE. It does not mean that we don't LOVE that Person, we can accually LOVE more than we get back alot of times. I know I have been hurt many times in the past by GG Girls that just did not want to be with a CDer. When I first started dating I would never let on that I liked to dress, but as time went on and I figured the girls were keepers and would not reveal this to anyone (ya right) I would let them know. My first wife did not know when we got married that I liked these things and I tried to keep it to myself, But I couldn't. My second wife knew long before we were married and all was alright until she felt that all I wanted was more and More, (more sex more of Amy).

[joanne_mi]

As a GG I've read a lot on here about the crossdressers 'secret', but how do the GG's feel about having to keep a 'secret' that's actually not theirs.

I have lived an open and honest life but now, due to my OH's dressing, I am forced to keep a secret from my friends and family, something my own actions have never led me to have to do.

I feel in some ways I'm forced to be disloyal to my family to be loyal to my OH.

How do you deal with this conflict and, have you guys ever thought about it this way? I'm sure you have.

The way I see it is this is a secret you choose to keep whilst your SO is forced to keep it through circumstances beyond her control.

Assuming you're not out that is.

I have NEVER thought of any of this that way. It just goes to show how selfish that this 'hobby', and I can be.

Said, I suppose I would ask if it's that big a deal to not offer that information to your family and friends? If someone were to ask, then your inherent honesty may cause a dilemma, but keeping mum on it doesn't make you dishonest.

It's difficult to tell by your tone here, but maybe you think your SO being TG is no big deal? And should be made common knowledge to your family? I can understand that thinking.

If you understand why your SO wouldn't want to be outed, then keeping a secret doesn't make you dishonest, it makes you loyal. Which is a pretty good trait in it's own right.

Best of luck to both you and your SO.

[ubokvt]

Hmmm I've read most of the post here and they seem to becoming from the CDers perspective and i don't think thats what you are looking for. I would encourage you to join the form just for SOs as they might give a perspective not found here.

That being said, I have a supporivte SO who I love with all my heart. I am constanly concerened at how my dressing effects her. All my life I lived with what if someone finds out and what will people think of me. I have to believe she now has the same fears from her prespective. What if some one finds out what will they think of me. I've had years to work these issues you're just starting you have my sympathy and support.

[Tina Dixon]

May be you suffering GG's should do this.....

[Sandra]

Hmmm I've read most of the post here and they seem to becoming from the CDers perspective and i don't think thats what you are looking for. I would encourage you to join the form just for SOs as they might give a perspective not found here.

That being said, I have a supporivte SO who I love with all my heart. I am constanly concerened at how my dressing effects her. All my life I lived with what if someone finds out and what will people think of me. [SIZE="3"]I have to believe she now has the same fears from her prespective. [/SIZE]What if some one finds out what will they think of me. I've had years to work these issues you're just starting you have my sympathy and support.

I had these fears then I thought to hell with it if people find out and they think the worse, then they are not much and they are definatley friends we can do with out. We did tell people and not one of them has dis-owned us.

[erica12b]

i see that we as cd have a choice ,weather we dress or not, just like i have a chioce when im sick ,"to puck" or not and when im diving whether or not "to breath or hold my breath," this is an eye opening event, i dont half to do this .

[kittypw GG]

I am so tired of hearing how hard it is for a big, strong man to reveal his CDing to his partner and how it's oh so unfair that the SO doesn't immediately jump on the gender duality bandwagon as a spokesperson. I'm sure it is hard, don't get me wrong, but the femme personality traits were never hidden as much as you guys seem to think. We knew about them, we even liked them or we wouldn't have been attracted.

Putting on the clothes is a choice - OK some say it's narrow minded to be upset by that, maybe so. Funny how the SO is then the person with a personality issue (a negative one at that).

Choose to wear what you want, hide it from whoever you want, tell whoever you want, but please stop being the eternal victim and criticizing SO's for their equally valid feelings.

Thanks for speaking for some of us Tree.
Kitty

[MsJanessa]

I'm not sure why you have the urge to reveal to your family and friends that your husband is a crossdresser. Married couple generally have secrets between themselves that they don't reveal to others---usually either sexual or financial---it really is no body elses business---on the other hand it may be that you are really stressed and/or upset about it and that is why you want to reveal it to others---whether you do or don't is entirely up to you. Just remember that if you do "out" your SO without his permission than you have betrayed a trust and it will probably be the end of your relationship---if you feel you absolutly have to talk about it with somebody then maybe a therapist, priest etc--who is bound by professional ethics to keep silent about it.

[tall_brianna]

this is my last I swear.

But okay, let's assume that the SO picks up the feeling of disdain and shame that society puts on this condition/behavior. When it's out in public - you are made to look like the wonderful caring wife who stuck by her man at all cost. And if you leave him, "We totally understand sweety."

We, on the other hand, have to live with ourselves. And there are unfortunately vast numbers of those that will, ridicule, mock, not accept, find it an abomination, and, in some places, do great physical harm to us (although that's never been a personal concern for me).

So excuse me for not giving a rats a** that you felt uninformed. :mad:

-b

[AmandaM]

<<Originally Posted by Tree GG
Putting on the clothes is a choice - OK some say it's narrow minded to be upset by that, maybe so. Funny how the SO is then the person with a personality issue (a negative one at that).

Choose to wear what you want, hide it from whoever you want, tell whoever you want, but please stop being the eternal victim and criticizing SO's for their equally valid feelings.>>

It's not a choice. We are compelled to do it. Just wanted to clear that up.

[kittypw GG]

What about the situation where the hubby is all dressed up and running around your town or other towns clicking his heals and taking pictures of himself. Should his wife still keep the "secret"? What if the wife feels uncomfortable about that kind of behavior? What if your wives want to just keep it at home. Would you do that for her or would you just accuse her of being CONTROLLING????? Kitty

[erica12b]

ok from this thread i have taken a lot , as a cd i should hide it from all, never tell anyone,dont dress ever "it's my choice" and totaly forget about my feelings and only fit in with social rules and my SO preceved image of me, never grow that would be change ,and not approved of, am i taking up your breathing space, sorry.




i was told before i got married dont do it , after you get married what mine is her's and whats her's is her's .
after the divorce, it was true ,
if she had knowen what else could she have taken

[MsJanessa]

What about the situation where the hubby is all dressed up and running around your town or other towns clicking his heals and taking pictures of himself. Should his wife still keep the "secret"? What if the wife feels uncomfortable about that kind of behavior? What if your wives want to just keep it at home. Would you do that for her or would you just accuse her of being CONTROLLING????? Kitty

I guess My advice to wives who can't tolerate that kind of behavior is to get divorced----there are situations where the Crossdressing is a marriage ender--better to end a relationship that you(or both of you) are absolutly miserable in then to stumble along wallowing in misery every day---most Crossdressers will tell you that it is not a choice but a compulsion(when they are being honest)----and I suspect there are very few wives who actually enjoy their husband's dressing---most just appear to tolerate it and if it becomes so large an issue that you can't stand it any more than maybe it is time to get out of Dodge.

[Significantother GG]

Thank you for all the responses which have been an education on my first day on this forum.

Can I please say for the last time... I DO NOT WANT TO TELL OR SHARE THIS SECRET WITH MY FRIENDS OR FAMILY.

My issue is how to deal with such a big secret not of my making.

The responses here have been very interesting, ranging from SO's who are fully accepting and clearly living happily with the situation to SO's like me still struggling, annoyed, upset etc with the situation and not happy to accept it is their partners right to expect us to accept their dressing as if it formed part of the original marriage contract....for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in stockings and in skirts etc etc whilst trying desperately hard not to make their loved one feel even worse than they already do by shouting, crying, blaming.......

As for the guys, thank goodness for the understanding ones on here and the ones who are prepared to read these posts and re-think their own situation.

To the guys who have been insulting to other posters, who have suggested getting out of the marriage, stopping moaning etc I would say that the chance of you having a full, rounded, open and honest relationship with a GG / SO is in my opinion highly unlikely as you are clearly not able to put up with any suggestion that you cannot do exactly as you like without having any regard for anyone elses feelings or views......how lonely.

Once again. thank you and I'll see the GG's in their forum soon I hope. Guys, I'll still post here as your views really count x

[Sandra]

To the guys who have been insulting to other posters, who have suggested getting out of the marriage, stopping moaning etc I would say that the chance of you having a full, rounded, open and honest relationship with a GG / SO is in my opinion highly unlikely as you are clearly not able to put up with any suggestion that you cannot do exactly as you like without having any regard for anyone elses feelings or views......how lonely.

[Lisa Golightly]

Don't believe in secrets... truth will owt, regardless of how much you think you can control the flow of information. Simple fact.

[Sweet Jane]

Hi Significantother

I can empathise with your situation, and if you can bear with my ramblings from my perspective (which I suppose is the only perspective I have) and how I am feeling, then I hope in some small way it helps.

Although I told my wife about my crossdressing over 10 years ago, she sort of chose to ignore it, possibly in the hope that it would go away maybe. I desperately want a heart to heart with her to explain exactly what it is I'm up to, how I feel and to get her feelings. And therein lies the problem. My "secret/burden", by default then becomes hers, and I don't know if I want to wish it on her. Once I open my mouth and the words flow, I can never take it back....status quo, as empty as it feels, is my securty blanket. However I most certainly would put no conditions on her having the information, and if she wished to discuss it with someone outside of the immediate family, then I'd accept that. I know it's not always going to be that easy, because my shame then I suppose becomes hers....things that impact negatively on me, I suppose, impact negatively on our entire family, children and all.

I know that lots of things are "family secrets" shared by one or more of the family members. I'm sure "bedroom secrets" stay just there....the whole world does not need to know of your particular kink, nor in most cases do they wish to know.

I hate the deception. Even though my wife "knows", I'm sure she does not realise the extent...she does not realise that at times, I possibly look more female than male. I want to tell her everything, but I'm scared sh*#less.

I know that she married a man, but I keep thinking that she saw something in me that made me a bit more acceptable than the others she dated. I'd like to think that maybe it was my "femme" side, my softer side. She even has told her workmates that I make a great "wife" because as I'm a shiftworker, I get quite a bit of daytime off and tend to do a lot of the cooking and cleaning!!!! What worries me here, is if she has the same feelings as you, and becomes frigid at the thought of me wearing womens clothing as I feel our marriage would then begin to founder, and then I don't only lose a wife, I lose my best friend.

I'm sorry that I rambled, and I probably haven't helped your situation much, but I so understand that we put our wifes in insidious postions, not of their making and I know that's not fair. All I can say, is that you must have loved him to marry him, and all marriages get thrown curve balls...strong marriages survive. I hope yours, and I pray that mine are strong.

[Angie G]

Stating something not truthful is a lie not saying something is not a lie.
Would you tell someone something that would make someone feel bad.
People do not need to know your husband dresses will it matter if your family don't know I think hot ''NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW''.
I'm sorry but to my it sounds like some needs to gossip.
Just let it go.
Angie

[sandra-leigh]

Can I please say for the last time... I DO NOT WANT TO TELL OR SHARE THIS SECRET WITH MY FRIENDS OR FAMILY.

My issue is how to deal with such a big secret not of my making.

Significantother, could you say more about what kind of answer you were hoping for?

By reading your reactions, we can infer some thought trains that you were not interested in, but it isn't clear what form of response would be ideal for you?

For example, were you hoping we might be able to suggest some viewpoints you had not thought of, with the additional viewpoints leading you to a perspective from which it starts to feel that keeping the secret is no longer a problem?

Were you sort of thinking more along the lines of hearing some "personal stress coping measures" -- bubblebaths, yoga exercises, prayers, mantras, etc.?

Would you like us to suggest some books we might have found useful in coping with anger? Some books on self-assertion (e.g., the classic "When I say No, I feel guilty" ?)

Would you like more personal annecdotes from SO's who have been through similar situations, and by so listening, hoping to synthesize something that works for you?

Is there something about the way your husband goes about crossdressing, or about his attitude about crossdressing that is proving frustrating to you?

For now, is the main need for you to let off some stress by telling someone (us), that "My husband is a crossdresser and I'm having a hard time, and I don't know what to do!" -- that is, is what you need right now not really an answer, but rather to be listened to and taken seriously, and to be affirmed that Yes, what you are feeling is real and reasonable and not uncommon?


Some of the above might sound facile, but I don't mean any of it to be so: I'm asking if you can guide us a bit more clearly as to how we can best help you?

[CDLauraNJ]

I agree with your observation, however, what is the alternative? I'm open for sugguestions. Thanks.

[Jasmine Ellis]

you both got to talk about it. its no good having a secret and think its a lie to the rest of your family CDing isn't a lie only a nice secret to have

[Melora]

Some things are meant to stay between couples.. To give out a secret of "trust", is FAR WORSE than keeping a secret, especially if it is behind the others back.
Talking about problems, concerns, feelings and secrets are what Marriage OR partnerships are all about.. I AM learning that EVERY DAY, even after 9 years of marriage. She is now just learning about my feelings of this other side.

To: the Significant Other GG, who started this thread.. Remember, Your hubby chose to reveal the side of him/her self because of love and trust and YOU ARE A LUCKY Girl because of that.

[Amy Hepker]

If you really LOVE your SO than you will know what to do, if you don't LOVE the SO then you know what to do there too. It seems to me that if you feel that strongly against not keeping a secret, then maybe the relationship is not there. I know that may sound cruel, but, do you expect him to change for you? It seems to me that he's not asking you to change, but to just keep a secret. It all depends on your LOVE for the SO.

[Tamara Croft]

I've re-read the first post... I think I may have read it wrong the first time, sorry for that :blushing: I think it's not about discussing it with family and friends like you would normally do, it's about finding someone to talk to, because the majority of GG's who find out their partners are a CD, have no one to turn to, no one to discuss it with. Yes there is a GG forum here, but we have less than 100 members, we have over 12,000 members here.... we are but a handful and if half of the 12,000 members here have SO's... where are they?? who are they talking to about it?? are they in the same place as significant other?? The hubby has found someone to talk to, but who does she talk to?? I do think this was the point she was trying to make.

[Mary Morgan]

My wife and I had this coversation several years ago, and I can only tell you what I told her. It may not fit for you, but my answer was to tell anyone she wanted to tell. As far as I know, she has told only one girlfriend. You are right that it is unfair to expect your wife to carry this burden in a manner that is uncomfortable for her, but I remind you that whatever choices you make carry consequences. Your CD loves you enough to share his deepest, darkest secret. Think about it before you set a course that you do not wish to follow. Louise