Just met a CD

[DeniseNJ]

He is probably scared too, his jokes of being a cd or TV is his was of hiding the fact that he is affraid of your rejection. He/she is studing your responses to his pun. Ask him out right r u gay do you like women? good luck!!

[Shannon CD]

I'd like to take a moment to caution all of us CDs on speculating things like how long he/she has been dressing. It may very well be that he has just recently (and that could be a general term) started.

I say this because we run the risk of putting doubt into the back of Confused's mind that may lead her to believe that he/she is less than truthful.

Let me give you an example from my last relationship. About a month after I started dating my last GF I could tell she was getting serious so I decided to be completely honest with her regarding all aspects of my CDing; how long I'd been dressing, why I felt I started dressing, that I was completely straight, how it affected me sexually, and where I felt safe in public dressed and why.

She decided to ask some of her friends and they opted to tell her what I "really meant". They told her things like "60% of crossdressers are gay", which caused her to doubt me, especially since I told her that I felt more comfortable going out dressed to gay clubs then to regular clubs (I felt that I would probably not be beaten to a pulp at a gay club and I could politely turn down any advances).

The fact is that I was completely honest with her, but outside influences caused her to mis-trust what I had told her. That seed eventually destroyed our relationship (there were other issues, as well, but she always used her friends "interpretations" of the truth).

So, again, please let her see the good and honest side of us, which is predominant, and not give her any reason to doubt.

[kathy gg]

Okay.....I hate being the first gg to respond to your post.

THis is how I feel about thist stuff......in alot of ways I do think that if a woman places herself in a position of being aware and educating herself and also making sure to ask lots of questions and such AT THE START...ultimatly you are responsible for alot more than the woman who finds out later. The woman who finds out later is given sort of a *get angry* card because she was not given the choice.....where as the woman who goes into this knowing is expected to sort of roll with the flow.

All I can say is this....ultimatly this will always be a part of him, a part of your relationship, and you need to find out what his level of *t-ness* is. I mean there are big jumps between doing this as a weekend recreational thing and those who HAVE to or NEED to do this everyday for their well being or alter their body. You have to figure out what level you are willing to jump to if per chance he grows with this in time.

Please know my thoughts are not meant to discourage you, frankly I think that being in a relationship with THE RIGHT crossdresser can be more fullfilling, more exciting, and be a huge plus.

I know that is heady stuff to be thinking about, espiclaly in the dating stage. Both of you sound fairly young, I would take one day at a time and not over analyze things to much for a while.

[ggconfused]

Thanks. I don't doubt him nor think he is lying about how long he has been doing it. Frankly, that doesn't matter to me. There are plenty of this I learned when I became sexually active and I would NEVER want to be judged for how often or long I have been doing them. I asked if he was gay and he said no. I asked if he wanted to be a woman and he said no. Mind you, I asked all these things before I thought we would be anything more than friends. Now we are clearly more than friends and I have been open with him about my past and am happy he is open with me. However, although I have had my fair share of experiences, I divulged them and then let it go. He knows what I have done and although he has met many of the guys, I would never rub it in his face. I have no interest in seeing if it scares him away nor testing him as to his reaction. I know myself well enough to know that if I really wan't interested, I would not have lasted even this long, as short as it has been so far. So, when does the testing stop? When does he realize I am not going anywhere, not now? When does he stop and say, "I like you and I know this must be freaking you out a little bit. Let's talk about it." When does it stop being about his rejection fears and about how he seems to purposely be trying to scare me away? It feels like he is pushing the limits and jokes to see how much I can handle. I am a big girl and if I am not ok with it, I will say so. When does the testing stop?

[Theresa(TGirl)]

I can kinda understand what your saying, you like him cause he's sensitive and understanding towards you, but you tend to be a little "put-off" by his CD boldness. Am I right?

If so, then what you are feeling is what I'd consider to be perfectly normal, able to accept it, but unable to deal with the "jokingness" aboout it.

[ggconfused]

Exactly. Everything I like about him seems to come from the one thing I am having a hard time getting my head around. I couldn't have said it better. Thanks!

[Chiana]

We have not had sex yet, I am petrified. This is the first time a guy has not tried to sleep with me right away. So, on top of the obvious issues I am having, I am also dealing with my own personal feelings of rejection.

My ex-SO had similar thoughts. I guess I was not aggressive, in this respect, as her previous boy friends. It was totally not her fault. I thought she was attractive and appealing. I just did not want to take another chance at rejection at that time. So I held back.

[kerrianna]

Hi ggconfused, you've had some good insights already here so I don't have too much to add, except he sounds like a wonderful guy and you sound like you have fallen for him. I commend you on your willingness to figure this out now.

I don't know how old you are, but I remember when I was young and falling in love there was a lot of anxiety about everything. Looking back I can't say I did much that could be called rational .

I am guilty of using humour too much even today when I'm nervous about talking about something, even tho my SO and I have been together 22 years. She still calls me up on it - it's part of who I am and how I deal with the world.

All I can say is if you really think he's special then let yourself go - explore everything together and build on the trust you two obviously have started on. Encourage him to express himself naturally and try to do the same yourself - tune into yourself about how different things make you feel, and try to communicate what really doesn't work for you (and remember nothing's written in stone - we all change). He could well be as confused as you. There is a HUGE range of CDers on this site alone - from infrequent fetish to fully Transgendered. And people change all the time. It sounds to me like he's just exploring and playing, and speaking as a sweet sensitive guy (hey! that's what my GG friends call me ) one of the great things about CDing is exploring your sensitivity and creativity, not to mention gaining empathy for your partner.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

well all ur feelings are natural confused. i was in same postion four months ago. ( although id been seeing b/f for nearly 2 years ) !! ur head is spinning @ mo, it does help reading posts on the forum, and i see u were gonna join GG forum, which is a good idea. its early days for u, and u need ALOT of answers to ur questions. take a deep breath, and gather as much info as u can, to undertsand the c/d side of the bloke . being on here will help u undertsnad more hun

[steffie39]

Hi ggconfused,

I know at first there were times I joked about my CDing to my wife as I thought it helped eased the tension for me. However, I found sometimes my wife was not in the right frame of mind for these jokes but other times she was OK. My wife got me my very first femme things too; so if my wife is like this then other GG's who didn't help their SO originally with dressing are bound to be like this too.

I found this out though about my wife ONLY after communicating with her. You CAN have a happy, healthy relationship with a CD but it requires constant communication and also COMPROMISE on both sides. CDing is something neither side asks for but you deal with it the best way you can each and every day. Good luck!



Steffie

[Penny Lane]

Hi "Confused"

You have had a lot of replies to your initial post, all contain excellent advice. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, I would have been surprised if you hadn't.

I came out to my wife of 33 years before we were intimate/married, and it has not all been plain sailing by any means, but few relationships are as smooth as a baby's bum anyway. We have something special and always will, crossdressing is not, well, shouldn't be anyway, the main thing in a loving and sharing relationship.

I remember feeling great fear that I would be rejected, heart pounding in my ears etc. and lose a person who was becoming very special. Being young at the time I had very little knowledge of others being in the same boat and was dealing with my own feelings of being the "only freak" in the world with this problem. To try to explain this desire to another was very difficult, at least today there is the internet and sites such as this. You can become better informed at the outset than my generation.

Your b/f has placed a great deal of trust in you by being so honest and up front, he's laid his innermost secret out for another to view. He obviously feels you are special which you have shown by being here. As has been said you must communicate, and in a serious way too. Like others I use humour to deflect uncomfortable situations, which I know sometimes drives my wife bonkers, so get him to be calm and level with you.

You are an equal partner in your relationship and it is vital you are comfortable with all aspects of your b/f. You will not have all the answers up front, as you don't know all the questions yet. He has, in all probability not "made advances" out of respect for you (most cd'ers hold women in higher regard than other men) not out of wanting to take your rightful place in the relationship. I think you will find the overwhelming majority of cd/ers are heterosexual, I think, although I could be wrong, that Drag Queens tend to be gay as they are portraying a caricature of women, whereas most cd/ers just want to look like your ordinary woman in the street.

Having these tendencies is a lot more common than you would think, apparently anything up to 30% of the male population has this urge to varying degrees.

On behalf of all of us here and most importantly your b/f, THANKYOU. Thanks for being strong enough to find out more and to ask questions, keep on like this and you won't go far wrong.

Good luck to you both, may what ever the furure hold for you make you both happy in the long term

Penny xx

[Kate Simmons]

Simply put, the ball is in his court. See what he does with it. Give him some space and the time to really be himself. Making light of things is probably his way of reassuring you he likes you as a woman. I think if you give it time, you can find out just how much CDing really means to him. Don't encourage him just see what he does with it. Don't be fooled though.The potential problem I see, is that the majority of guys who CD are more concerned with their own wants and needs as their femme self. This is a self perpetuating entity and has nothing to do with a loved one or SO. So, you need to establish, just by observing first just how important this "woman" is to him. So many women get frustrated and question themselves in this situation. How important YOU are to him is what matters and how far is he willing to go to show and maintain his feelings for you?If you can handle the fact that time and attention is paid to this "woman" that should be going to you, you may be okay but he has to realize you have wants and needs also. Just give it some time, Hon. Ericka/Rich

[kittypw GG]

ggconfused,
What you are feeling is normal and appropriate. It is scary when you start looking into this whole thing, you find out that it is more compicated than you thought. You need to keep that edge. The only one who knows where or how far that this will go is him. It is not a good feeling that he has all of that power, it leaves you feeling a little vulnerable and confused.

I agree with Kathy that being involved with the "right" CD is not a bad thing. Analyze them as an individual. Does he have the traits you admire in an individual like being honest, is he balanced, is he a good friend, does he have addiction problems, is he a good communicator etc. If he does not hold all of the traits you would want in a man then the CD part will make that all the worse.

The most important thing here is for you to not move into the role of enabler and become his cd fantasy and give up everthing that you desire in a relationship. Many of us do this and end up disapearing in the cd relationship. After a while it becomes overwhelming and eventually makes you put on the brakes which confuses the cd because he never gets saturated with the crossdressing like some spouses do. Your desire to participate will probably never match his desire to crossdress. This is where his traits as an indivdual will be important. He will have to have the ability to comprimise and communicate to your satisfaction as well.

You have every right to be happy and fullfilled in any relationship that you venture into. Ask more questions and take things slow.
Come join us in the gg section. There is a great group of women there with lots of love and advice to give. Take care Kitty

[cindybarnes]

Hi Confused,

You have gotten some great advise already here aready, but almost every situation is a little differernt. One thing for sure is that by trying to work this out early on is the best thing !
My first thought about your bf's joking is that maybe its his way of getting your official approval of his dressing without being blunt ?
I say next time he jokes about a certian dress or something call him on it,,, have a reply ready like,,, ok so lets see you in it ! That may be the step to some deeper conversations on the subject.
Thats just my first impression of why he may be joking but not had a serious talk with you about it ?
Good luck to you both

Cindy

[ggconfused]

I am going to try to wrap my head around everything that everyone has told me and do my best to talk to him about it. I don't think I can counter his joking with a request to see him in a dress because I am still not sure how I will react. I know I won't be sure until it happens but I do care about him and the last thing I want to do is make him feel more vulnerable and then walk out. Not that I am saying I will run, but there is that fear. Maybe if we talk about it and I get to know him more, my feelings for him can overcome the fears and confusion I am feeling.

His respect for me as a woman seems to be a double edged sword. On the one hand he doesn't want to rush me into sex but on the other, I am a human being and do have my needs. So, I guess I will wait until he is ready but keep in mind that I can't wait forever, nor should I.

Thank you so much for all your support.

[Kate Simmons]

The GG's here have a good support group, Hon. You may want to accept their invitation to join it. Also, any of us CD's here are more than willing to give you our viewpoints based on our experience. In the final analysis, you need to make your own decision but it helps to know you have friends and are not alone in this.Some of the best are here. I can personally attest to that. Ericka/Rich

[MsJanessa]

Hi Hon---since everybody and her sister has chimed in on the subject I guess I will too. My take on the matter really depends on how you feel personally about Cding---if you never had any thoughts on the matter, positive or negative prior to meeting your sweetie, then I wouldn't make any kind of decision just yet---wait and see how things shake out with your feelings on the issue--after all if you haven't even had sex yet so there is no hurry. If, on the other hand, you feel VERY uneasy about transvestism but really like this guy and think you can change him or that the CDing will "go away", you are deluding yourself---it never goes away---40+ years of experience have taught me that---the best he can do is suppress or sublimate it, but it will raise its lovely head again, eventually. If you are in this catagory, its best not to get any further involved with him---it will only lead to unhappiness for both of you. Finally you might be in that catagory of GG that really likes CDing and for whom it is a turn-on---if you were there I don't think you would have started this thread. I'm assuming you are in the first catagory---really don't know how you feel about it. If you look at "dressing" as a negative trait, don't want to see him dressed or have sex with him while dressed, then probably you should forget any thoughts of being romantically involved with this guy---it will only make both of you unhappy---if you think you might like to share in this part of his life, then try it and see how it goes. My advice is to talk to him, tell him you would like to hang out with him when and while he dresses---and then do it. If the vibes are good then, then go for it---if you are uneasy and/or uncomfortable with it, then both of you should find someone who you are more compatible with. Good Luck PS you indicated some frustration with not having sex yet----I'm not sure what the reason is, but perhaps you should let him know(if you haven't already) Many CDers are very shy about that kind of thing---also you could bring the subject up while he is dressed(assuming you want that) He would probably be more receptive to it then. On the other hand if that's a total turn off for you then you really should end the relationship and save both of you further heartbreak. xo J

[ggconfused]

I never thought about it before. The only experiences I have ever had were at the movies where there was a drag queen. So, all I know about crossdressing is what I saw, a parody of a woman. I am not at all against it and as I told him when I first found out, to each his own. Unfortunately, that was before anything developed. I am not trying to change him nor want to keep him from doing something that he likes. I keep hearing a lot about compromise and that I need to understand this is not going to go away and it will rear its head again. What I don't understand is where the line of compromise is drawn. I know this sounds strange and a little background may be in order. I am emotionally tough. I don't know when I became like this, from my childhood or broken hearts along the way, but I am. It takes a lot of trust for me to open up and even more for me to commit. I have been in love two times and both times I had my heart broken. So, for me, giving up my single and 'fun' life is a very big deal. I usually make it about 2 months and I am out the door, just as the 'conversation' is about to surface. Now, it has been longer than 2 months and although the conversation is a way off, I am not at all ready to put on my running shoes. This is precisely why I am trying to get a grip on all of this, he is different than the rest and I don't want to sprint out the door. But, when the conversation does come up about not being with anyone else, as I know it will, where is the compromise? If I am going to go against all my fears and be only with him, which has not happened yet because we are still early on, what is he giving up for me? I am giving up a relationship I have had with someone for more than two years. A relationship that, although very unhealthy, is quite satisfying late on a Saturday night. I am giving up being single. I am giving up other guys. I am giving up being petrified and keeping a wall up. Like I said, I would NEVER consider asking him to change, nor would I want him to change. I don't want him to pretend and suppress these desires, it is who he is. What I do want is a little understanding that he is not the only one going through this. I want him to know that while he is consumed with his fears of rejection, he is missing the obvious, I haven't gone anymore, nor am I planning on it. I keep hearing a lot about acceptance of the crossdresser, I have yet to hear how the crossdresser has taken a moment to put him/herself in the gg's shoes. When does that come? Are there stages and I am in the first? What is next?

[sharifemme]

Ggconfused....

Welcome to the group. I understand your feelings and appreciate your honesty. As a transgender person myself, I have made many mistakes in my relationship with my wife concerning TG matters. I'll share three of them with you.

The first mistake I made was not to tell her for over 30 years. That was 30 years of dishonesty on my part. It also meant that there were 30 years of deception in who I was because I could not share my inner person with her. All she got to know of me was a shadow.

Second mistake - I told her about Shari and let her have a choice about whether to accept me or not. She said she would try but I pushed her too fast and hard trying out new experiences, etc. She got the impression it was the most important thing in my life. She thought she was playing second fiddle to Shari.

Third mistake - When she would ask me to tone it down or set lower limits, I took it as rejection and stopped sharing with her because I felt she didn't want to know or didn't care about that part of me.

What's my point? Well, If you love this person and you can communicate about TG issues, your relationship, etc., you are ahead of the game because you know from the start. You have the advantage of having a partner who was honest about the deepest part of her soul. In the end, if you can communicate and understand each other, you have a good chance. If you have major doubts or any feelings of disgust, you might want to weigh the future carefully. In the end , we all have to make our own decisions and take their consequences. Good luck and God Bless you.

Shari

[Dixie Darling]

Check your private message here in the forum.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[DonnaT]

When does the testing stop?

I imagine it will only stop when you two have had a serious discussion about everything.

I hear what your saying about wanting to stay in the relationship, but at some point, if you don't have that talk soon, you are probably going to get very tired (even more so than you already are) of his joking, and instead of talking calmly, may end up arguing.

I get the feeling you definitely don't want that to occur.

Seems to me you know what you want to say to him, and hashing it out here is not getting it done.

If necessary, write it all down so you don't forget what you want to say, or want to ask.

Note that he may not have all the answers, not all of us do. And try not to get him to make promises that he may not be able to keep.

[myMichelle]

Aside from echoing the comments of many of the girls here, I would definitely encourage you to talk to the other GG's about all of your feelings/emotions. Somehow, no matter how well-meaning, I just don't think a crossdresser will be able to give you the insight you seek. For the true insight, I think you need to talk to another GG...Someone who has been there and wrestled with the same feelings and walked down the same path you now find yourself on.

You seem like a wonderful, open-minded girl. I wish you nothing but the best and I hope that you are able to talk with your partner about all of your fears and frustrations...and, BTW, it is wonderful that he has been so open from the begining. Sadly, crossdressers are not all this open. I encourage you to sieze this openness and keep the lines of communication open.

[Bernice]

Dear Confused,

You've gotten some excellent advice here, and there seems little I can add. Crossdressing is not that uncommon, but acceptance is.

I don't think it is at all unusual that you don't know exactly how you feel. But as time goes by, perhaps you will realize that you have some choice in how you feel about this, i.e. you can decide to accept it and move on towards a loving relationship, or decide to reject it and move on in another way.

I find myself troubled by your revelation that you find an unhealthy sexual relationship to be satisfying. If you consider this rationally, you will end the unhealthy sexual relationship regardless of what else you do.

Perhaps your CD "partner to be" wants to know if you will respect him in the morning. Actually, in this day and age, do you not owe him 6 months of chasity while being tested for HIV? Do you know what love is?

I remember how driven I was to have sex as early and as often as possible. But when I first met my SO of 30+ years, I was compelled to make a go of chasity until marriage. I also - promptly, and as gently as possible - let another close g/f (#1) know that I had intentions to settle down with someone else (#2). I was glad for all of us that g/f #1 and I had not been intimate.

After two months sleeping through the nights together, mostly in the nude, chasity went out the window one evening, but I think #2 and I were both better prepared for the moment, having made a genuine committment prior to that point. Of course, this included airing out our feelings about crossdressing, as best we could. Then again, we were "engaged" for 17 months - unheard of in the 1970's, and back then very few thought we would make it, but so far, we have, and we still want to.

[VtVicky]

Hi Confused,

You wrote: "I keep hearing a lot about acceptance of the crossdresser, I have yet to hear how the crossdresser has taken a moment to put him/herself in the gg's shoes. When does that come? Are there stages and I am in the first? What is next?"

My response is BINGO!!!

Most of us have been dealing with this all of our lives alone in one way or another. When we finally find someone to share it with we tend to go over board real fast. Dealing with a newly out CD can be a bit like taking a drink from a fire hydrant. We may be careful in some ways, but in other ways our long pent up emotions are trying to burst out. In the midst of all this it is very easy to forget that our SO's are human's too. They have lives and histories that are quite independent from our CD issues.

The nature of this forum, naturally, is the focus on the CD related issues, but nothing exists in a vacuum. You have a life and set of experiences that you bring to this relatinship. Although it is tempting to let the CDing issues dominate the relationship just because it is so unusual and upsetting, you are exactly correct to try to include your feelings in the equation.

I applaud your efforts to educate yourself in this situation. I would encourage you to encourage HIM to get educated as well. He needs to get on this forum and read what some of the other CDs and their SO's have experienced. Until I joined, I could only guess what the SO's were thinking. This forum has been a godsend of information regarding the other side of the equation for me.

I live in snow country. One of the things you learn real fast up here is that when the road gets slippery you must slow down. And just because the next 1/4 mile is straight, does not mean it is safe to speed up. All kinds of obstacles can pop up. Dealing with CDing in a relationship is similar. Slow down, and even when things seem to be going well, continue going slowly until the traction in the relationship is pretty solid.

Good luck. And never lose sight of the fact that you are an equal partner in the relationship.

[Michelia]

Why the rush? Try to enjoy what you have as it goes. If it does not work out that is OK. That happens.

GG confused - I agree with almost all said so far so I will not duplicate. I can tell you a bit about my GG. She will not tell you herself because she will never go on the internet for something like this. She believes each couple makes their own little world that is particular to just them and it is no one elses business. Relationships come in all forms. I started CDing after being together. She was never interested in learning about CDing. But she is very open-minded and flexible and we always told each other everything. We were already happy. So this could have been a terrible threat to our happiness. Instead, after her initial surprise and concern, she has taken Michelia as her girl. She leads the way for her in many ways. I am a latin american macho guy too and I make sure I give her all the things she needs from me. And I always know what they are because she makes it plain and simple what her needs are. She has placed no restrictions on me whatsoever and encourages me when I falter. She has given me the courage to take CDing to a level I could have never achieved by myself. I have only made two promises to her. I told her I was not gay. I told her I will never alter my body. I know I can live up to these commitments as I am the happiest girl/guy that ever lived. If she would be willing to post here she would tell you she has never been happier and she has never loved so intensely as now, after years of being together.

I know my GG is exceptional. I treasure the ground she walks on. I know how incredibly lucky I am. But your relationship could have the same potential. Forget about what you are giving up for your CDer and what he may be giving up for you. Do not keep score. You have it all wrong! And if my special lady ever told me she would give up a unhealthy relationship for me, I would be very very hurt and offended. It just does not sound to me like you are giving up a lot. Go ahead and stay single all your life? Dating the same type of guys you have always dated? Look at what you could GAIN! The more you give and love your CDer, the more you love you may get back. More than you ever dreamed of. The key is to communicate and keep it all in a healthy balance. Do not worry about setting limits so early on. See where it all takes you. Let it happen. This is the only way you will know what will work for you or not and maybe find someplace for the two of you you never knew existed. Create your own little world and forget about all the conventions.

And one more little bit: If things do not work out, why not try another CD? There are some very wonderful people on this site looking for someone just like you.