Is telling your wife the best thing?

[Sweet Cindy]

I don't mean the right thing, I mean the best thing.

I'm still wrestling with whether or not to tell my wife. I don't see how telling her will cause anything but pain. It seems like it's only to help myself. I don't want to hide something about myself from her, but maybe it's for the best. And given the number of horror stories about divorce and wives who would rather not know that I've read on here, maybe it's best that this is my little secret.

The urge to dress only seems to come up when the opportunity to dress is available (pretty convenient). My wife is back at work now and that means my lunch break will be spent driving home to let our dog out and this is the time I used to dress in the past. Now that this schedule is revving up again, I find the urge to dress returning (I'm wearing a red thong under my work clothes as I type this). Since I don't have any burning desire to be 24/7, maybe it's best that this is just my own secret hobby.

If you've told your wife, are you glad you did or do you regret it?
If you're planning to tell her, let me know your feelings too.
Thanks girls. Just looking to cause the love of my life the least grief possible.

[Gina_darling]

I was wondering whether to come out just last week. I decided to test the water very gently after getting advice from girls here. I was watching rugby and my Mum asked why men were so strange that they enjoyed cuddling each other (they were in a scrum) and dressing up like girls (based on my recent act on stage as Gwen Stefani). I took the opportunity to get her reaction then on crossdressing in general. I'm glad I did, she was of the opinion that for fun it is all well and good but those who do it regularly etc. it is not really. So with that I thought the only thing coming out would achieve would be negative and so I'm still in the closet as far as family are concerned.

My advice to you would be to have a similar conversation with your wife, subtly to avoid suspicion. If the opinions she has a positive then gradually introduce her to the idea, no rushing though! If her opinions are negative and you can get by as you are now, then it is probably best to leave things and avoid upset. You can always try again another time.

[Karren H]

NO!!! I regret my wife finding out... Would have been better for the both of us if she hadn't. So I'd say unless you've got some kind of concience thingy that forces you to do it, don't!!!

Love Karren

[Di]

Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

[marie354]

In a word... Yes! It's the only way to know how she honestly feels about it.
The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be able to work through the "trust" issue that is going to come up.
Women expect you to be honest with them at all times.
They want you to be an open book to them, and want you to feel that you can trust them with anything... Yes, even your deepest darkest secrets.

There are some secrets that we all keep though. If you feel that it would hurt her by knowing, then it becomes a much tougher issue.

You know her better than anyone else, except maybe her own mother, so you'll have to judge what she can handle and what she won't accept at all.

I've known some women, and read about some others here, that are absolutely repulsed by the thought... And others that love & try to understand it. Some enjoy it & will join in all the fun with you.

I've always been open and honest. That way I don't have to remember what I told who about what. That can be very confusing, I know 'cause I used to lie about it to everyone. And trying to keep track of who knew what and how much just drove me absolutely bonkers.
I've now "come clean" with the closest people to me and plan on opening up even further in the future. Maybe the I feel that every day I'm becoming closer to "meeting my maker" and I want to make up for some of my past.
Maybe it's just me getting old and tired and simply wanting to stop hiding.

You have to be the judge of your own actions and feelings. I hope that you work it all out and find a simple solution. Other inquiring minds are watching & reading and are in a need to know.

[Sweet Cindy]

Thanks for your replies so far, girls. And especially you, Di - it's the female perspective that's so valuable here and the betrayal issue is why I'm considering telling her at all. I know the "wife" threads are plentiful on here so thanks for humouring me.

For the record, she's not the type who will be encouraging and want to join in. I'm 99% certain of this. I'm also almost as certain she wouldn't leave me - we have a great relationship. If/when she finds out, my profile would likely read "wife knows but is not supportive". I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband. So she has her suspicions and has basically told me where she stands. It hasn't been brought up since.

It would just be nice to be completely honest with her and dress with less guilt. Maybe even start building a wardrobe (which is the selfish reason for telling her).

Thanks again, girls.

[Vicky_Scot]

I told my wife years ago and thankfully for me she accepts it and loves me for who I am.

You are the only one who can judge if you wife would accept it or not.

[tealannette]

it is very scary. i think it is best, but not sure

[Sandra]

I'm with Di on this one the betrayal would get to me. A lot of CDers who tell their wives have kept it secret and it is the keeping it secret that does more harm than the CDing its self.

Only you know your wife though.

[kittypw GG]

I have known about my hubby from the begining but yet I didn't know. This may sound confusing but I thought it was a playful thing and I was ok with that, but the more accepting I became the more liberty he began to take. One day I woke up and he had more makeup, more panties, more bras, more clothes more everything. So it changed from being playful to being obsessive. At one point he even thought he wanted to take hormones and have a sex change. This is when I started to wish that I had never heard about or was exposed to crossdressing. Crossdressing consumed my life. I wanted off the ride. I can't totally blame my hubby though. I let the consumption happen because I didn't "know". I expected him to have the restraint to control something he was compelled to do. I gave up my power. My power to have the life that I wanted to have as well. He expected me to love crossdressing as much as he did. A very wrong assumption on his part. Think about it for a minute, would you be able to muster up the enthusiasim to participate in combing your wifes beard or tie her tie or stuff her jock strap so that she could "pass" as a man? Could you be sympathetic over and over again because she just can't pass because her hands are too small or her face is too feminine?

I think that if you can make a constant effort to maintain a balance (and this may be hard since you have already mentioned increasing your wardrobe) and you encourage your wife to maintain a life that is fullfilling to her. Things could work out but expect a lot of questions and a little anger that you are not the man she thought. It will be somewhat bumpy but could turn out ok.
Now if you choose to not tell her and she finds that you are sneeking around dressing up like a girl on your lunch hour expect her to be even more freaked out. She will totally not understand what you are doing and will most likely think you are some sort of pervert. If you lovingly come clean and be committed to making your relationship work you will be much better off in my opinion. But that is my opinion you can take it or leave it and do what you feel is best for you.

Just a little hint: Don't make everything about crossdressing. Try to look past the crossdressing and get to the real reason why something is going wrong. Most hurt feelings are linked to some bad or percieved bad behavior. Like lack of communication, feeling unloved or lonely for instance rather than the crossdressing itself.

Good luck in whatever you decide. Kitty

[Sweet Cindy]

Thanks for sharing, Kitty - very well said and I understand what you're saying. I know I can keep a shorter leash on my feminine side than your hubby did but I'm sure my wife would be worried.

There seems to be a concensus among the GGs that they'd rather know than have it going on behind their backs and they'd rather be told than discover on their own, obviously.

There's a lot going on in our lives right now with my wife just returning to work, so now's not the time to tell her anyway. I think I'll just wait until we have some time to ourselves and she seems receptive.

Thanks again, girls.

[Katie Ashe]

Only you can determine that: Your hopes, dreams, desires, family goals...
Family and kids just make it harder...

[Robin Leigh]

There are a couple of girls on this forum who kept their CDing secret from their wives until they passed away. But it does seem rather rare. Most who try to keep it secret tend to get discovered somehow or other, eventually. Even if it takes 30 or 40 years.

Coming out to your wife of several years will certainly be difficult. But being caught in the act by her would be orders of magnitude worse. As Kitty says, in that scenario you will almost certainly be perceived as some kind of perverted weirdo. Recovering from that can be almost impossible.

I understand your desire to not hurt your wife. But all the GGs will tell you that the trust issue is very important. You seem like a thoughtful & considerate person, Cindy, and since you have a good relationship, there's every chance that your wife will be able to cope, and your relationship will grow as a result.

People's attitudes can change, It takes time & work for both partners, & belief in your relationship. For example, when Sandra first found out about Nigella she was not impressed at all. But now she's a moderator here.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide!



Robin

[AllyM]

Cindy, I opened up to my wife and she is supportive, but I highly recommend you think this through carefully before doing anything. Everyone's situation seems to be different. I think the important thing is that you have a strong, committed relationship. Opening up to an SO with a rocky relationship just fuels the fire.

[valdor]

Hi. I started by asking my wife to buy me a pair of tiny briefs for fun which she did ,then I gradually persuaded her to buy me other styles then a garter belt,then on to skirts and blouses,just go easy to begin with.
Valerie

[Eugenie]

Difficult question indeed.

As far as I am concerned, I know that my wife would have been far more sadened if I had been hiding this side of me and would have discovered it. And smart as she is, she would have discovered for sure...

Is she happy about it, probably not, but she also understand that I can't stop my X-dressing.

One thing for sure is that it makes our lives much simpler, even if sometimes it comes to some difficult episodes...

I couldn't live a life in which I would have to hide myself from the person I trust most and who trusts me most.

But this is only my experience, only you can figure out what's best for your wife and you.

I hope that you will find your own way...

Eugenie

[tommi]

Cindy, I opened up to my wife and she is supportive, but I highly recommend you think this through carefully before doing anything. Everyone's situation seems to be different. I think the important thing is that you have a strong, committed relationship. Opening up to an SO with a rocky relationship just fuels the fire.

I know that mine caught me in the act and it just about ended our marriage. It is a tuff choice and should be done carefully,once out of the closet you can't
put the anouncement back in and believe me even if she accepts it there
will be times that she will regret it.

[Staci G]

"I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband."


She sounds like my wife and thats not a good thing at all. Mine has threatened more times than I care to mention but she stays, I think to see what will happen next.
You know the morbid curiosity thingy

if she told you she don't want a crossdresser then I think that disqualifies you from the husband race as far as she is concerned

Good luck in what ever you do and you might want to stand at arms length when you do tel her

[Bonnie D]

I tested the waters before I got married and received a relatively positive response on the subject. After we were married and I thought she was in a "receptive" frome of mind I told her that I had some lingerie hidden away. She got quite upset and demanded that I throw it out. I did. The subject never came up again and I've been dressing in secret ever since.

We've had discussions about other things and her main concern was that I tell her everything and let her decide how she will handle it no matter her reaction. I can understand that but couldn't comply. She would overreact, at least in my opinion, and make my life hell for a while. So I would withdraw within myself.

I will come out soon about my dressing because I can't take the secrecy any longer. She will not be able to accept and I will not be able to stay.

Bonnie

[Sharon]

The best, and possibly bravest, thing I ever did was to tell my wife about myself, although I told her very early on in our relationship, long before we were married. Of course, I was more than an occasional dresser, and I could see no way to hide this from her indefinitely.

It wasn't always a cakewalk concerning my wife and my needs, but she made every effort to accept this part of my life as she seemed to appreciate me for my other qualities. It was because of her that I began to come out of my shell and give serious thought about who and what I am. She also indulged my needs in so many ways, even though she would have been so much happier if this didn't exist. God bless her.

I'm an advocate of complete honesty with our SO's, but I can see where it may do more harm than good to a relationship when you only dress every now and then and you don't feel your partner is mature or understanding enough to accept this part of your life.

The decision can only be made by you, but I wonder if you may be under-estimating your wife.

[lynn27]

best practice is to tell her, but there are things to think about.

it really is a matter of what is more important in your life. in my case my wife is more important and i'd limit and hide the CD stuff if it meant she would leave me. of course, if she did leave over this we really did not have a good relationship in the first place. so, first you need to consider how strong your relationship is and would a disclosure hurt that?

i think it is best to gauge her feelings and her possibly reactions before you do anything. How does she react to scenes with crossdressers or TG issues? Does she indicate disgust or get up and walk out? Not good. Does she laugh or even make positive comments? If so, go with that, ask her what is so funny or interesting. Ask her if she'd think it would be just as funny, or interesting, if you were in that get-up or situation. Maybe you could track down some CD theme shows or rent a CD theme movie to see how she reacts.

2 and 1/2 men last night had a scene with the boy talking about his breasts, making femme comments, etc. i was up stairs on PC and wife was laughing about and i pressed her on it. she does know about my dressing but it was fun to have her verbalize the scene. it would have been easy to put myself into the boy's place if i had wanted to gauge her feelings.

if you are completely consumed by dressing and it is more important than your relationship then go ahead a tell her and hope for the best. better she hear it from you than find out other ways.

[Mary L]

I didn't know until the internet era that I was really a crossdresser. By then, I was in my 40's. Took several years more before I told my wife. That took a lot of courage on my part, but she was of two minds about it. On the one hand, she was very glad I was being honest and communicating with her. On the other, she was upset that 1) I had had a hidden life and 2) had disrupted her reality with the truth. There is no winning situation here if your spouse does not accept the crossdressing at some level reasonable for you. In my case, the "balance" (as someone wrote above) is in never engaging in cding in a way that interferes with the way our lives ran before I told her. That is not perfect for me, but I can live with it, and have been doing so for about 6 yrs now. Each of us has to find the right point of balance that suits both partners. If either one forces the issue, the consequences are likely to be unsatisfactory for one or both in the partnership.
Regards,
Mary

[Shelly R]

That is a big question, only you know what your wife will accept. I an not CD but TS/TG, Hetero marriages for me are not in my future ever, I learned my lessons the hard way. I have had two and my second is ending.
Take what I have to say with a grain of salt. This is probably something you can hide for a long time, but anybody that close to you is bound to find out sometime down the road. The fact that she finds out the hard way makes it rocky to say the least. These are all mights, depends on how your wife feels. First you have the trust and betrayal issues, and the fact you have been hiding something, marriages are based on trust not deception. Then there is the EWWW! factor (my husband wears a dress!) and you sexual desires (is my husband possably gay?) these things usually do not settle well with most women. There is the mental issue, accusations of you are sick and need therapy to fix you! Depending on how she takes it, and what her feelings are the accusations could fly. These are only possabilities something for you to think about.

[janedoe311]

Most women leave when they find out. You know your wife.
Most women think that CD'ers are gay.

Drop ideas to see what she feels about it. If she says that is sick then there is a good chance she will walk out on you if you tell her.

[bgirl]

I could not tell her. I had only told one person and that was a therapist. I had difficulty coming to terms with it myself. But about a year ago she asked a question that could only be answered with the truth. We are still together, still have a long way to go.

I was so scared for the first couple of months that is was all over. We survived.
She still is concerned about escalation and I still need to put on the brakes sometimes, she still doesn't like to see it, but I don't have to hide my true self anymore. From her or me.
She says she understands things about me better, now that she knows. For me this has let me be who I am. For her, now there is a question I don't know the answer to. Beth