came here for CD interests, only to realize I'm TS

[MonicaJean]

What a long and winding road to get to this point. Originally I found this board and was glad to simply talk with other gals about all things CD, which made me curious why there is a TS board here since the name is "crossdressers" lol. Even though I don't have much interest in CD'ing compared to my past as it doesn't satisfy me by just putting on wonderful clothing items, I identify with being female in a far stronger way in many situations in life. Satisfying would be living as my real self, not in this flat, depressed state of hiding my inner me. I'm sure many of you can relate.

I have read so many of your stories and topics and am moved by your situations and your grit to make the decision to transition, it's a tough thing to endure. So many questions, so many fears, so much at stake.

Went for my first gender therapy today with a WONDERFUL counselor who specializes in all things gender. I could not have asked for a better person on planet earth to be in the room! What a relief!

Have an appointment for blood tests next week. I simply can't believe this is happening, and it's happening quickly. Then again, 40+ years of not being truly open about "me" means any progress happens quickly I presume.

Wow, I have many decisions to make in the near future it's making my head spin! My palms are sweatty just thinking about the gravity of everything! I keep praying to God this all becomes clear. I keep reading your posts here, they are a source of enlightenment and courage to push through. Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences!!

I'm TS. I'm a trans gender woman. There, I said it, finally. I've drowned it out with overeating, depression, noise, anxiety and fear for 4 decades. No more. Time to, as they say, move forward.

Now I know why there is a TS board on a CD forum, there are many great people are here.

Shelly

[Jennifer-GWN]

A butterfly emerges.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, it really does not matter what drew one here. I came because I thought I was CD three years ago. I did not know any different at the time. It was all so new. With time clothes did not matter, and it was all about the inner self and finding some understanding about my newly discovered feminine nature. Now I am here, dealing with a transition that must keep family first. Rough, but with a loving wife and family it is a transition. Now you can begin yours too.

Barbara

[melissakozak]

Michelle,

Glad you are here... I have been seeing a gender counselor for two plus years...same conclusions as you...this has never, ever, been about clothes or make up or any of that...it is the internal state of affairs....and self acceptance of this reality is uber important, as it allows you to figure out what to do about the issue next...welcome..and hugs, Melissa.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Whoa, slow down. Progress happens at the speed you need it to. I highly doubt that after one appointment, you're ready for bloodwork and hormones. It can happen, but unraveling all those years of denial can take time. I was in therapy for nearly two years before I finally asked for my hormone letter. Before you decide if transition is right for you, don't forget all the other people in your life. I know it's cliche, but you need to be prepared to lose everything. For me it wasn't until after my wife left that I figured it was time to transition. I had already lost that which was most important. I figured there wasn't much else to lose at that point. Give it a few more sessions before you go making any rash decisions.

[DebbieL]

When I was very little, I wanted to be a girl, I knew I wanted to be a girl. When I believed in magic and wishes, I'd wish on stars, wish on birthday candles, wish for dresses and barbie dolls for christmas, wish to be a girl on Halloween. When I believed in miracles, I prayed every day for God to turn me into a girl. I'd see TV shows where men and women would trade bodies - episodes of Star Trek, Gilligan's Island, the Adams Family, the Munsters, and so on. If the fairy godmother or magic genie would only grant me ONE wish, it would be to be a girl.

But then came reality. I had to learn about the birds and the bees, about reproductive organs, puberty, and anatomy - because I WAS different. I didn't realize until then that I didn't have testes. My father explained that "they are up inside you, like ovaries". Did he know how much hope that gave me? He also read the parts about the changes that happened to girls, how they grew breasts, and had periods. I actually had hope for the first time in a while.

Then they dropped. I tried to shove them back up there, but they wouldn't stay. I pushed so hard it hurt, but they wouldn't stay.

i could feel the poison coursing through my body. The horrible testosterone. I grew hair, my voice sounded funny. At the same time, my hips got wider, my waist got narrower. In the showers at school, the boys teased me because I looked SO girly.

When the music teacher told me I had a wonderful Bass voice, it was the end of hope. I wanted to die. I started hanging out with the druggies and the freaks, I grew my hair longer than most girls in my school, and it was wavey and flipped. I was tall and light, but not skinny. I had a 38 inch chest, 28 inch waist, and 38 inch hips. If I'd had breasts, I'd be a beautiful woman. But I didn't and didn't think I'd ever have them. I became a "hippie" and a "freak", the word for druggies in those days.

Guys would come on to me, but after being hurt by so many boys so many times, even though I did find some men attractive, I didn't trust them anymore.

I went deeper into the closet. I didn't fit mom's clothes anymore, so I had to settle for what I could, mostly stealing from a friend's older sister who was slightly bigger than me. I had to be able to hide it. I gave up all hope of living as a girl as well. I went to a women's college, and the girls have me a magazine of transvestites, they were hairy, a few even had beards. And they wore frumpy dresses. Was this what they imagined I looked like. They might have been trying to let me know it was OK, that they accepted me, but I saw it as a threat and an insult. I went deeper into stealth.

I fell in love, and even got engaged, but when I asked my fiance to keep her hose on, and she saw how nicely I responded, she said "at least you don't want to WEAR them". I grunted. She left a note under my windshield wiper telling me she never wanted to see me again. Deeper yet into stealth mode.

i met my first wife at the grand opening of my store. I was wearing my tight vest that worked like a corset, and puffed my shirt up almost like breasts, I wore platform shoes (popular in the 70s), and I was still feminine in gesture and motion. I got her laughing to the point where she couldn't stop, then she told me she was "sorta married". Our mutual friends fixed us up on a blind date and we hit it off. She liked that I was OK that she was "saving herself" even after she told me about her first husband and her last 3 boyfriends. When we moved into an apartment together, I purged my wardrobe. By now, I had quite a bit hidden in the bottom of a footlocker full of boys clothes, but figured she would find it before I could explain. How could she not know?

3 weeks after we moved in together, I admitted that I was a cross-dresser. She came out with a white chiffon robe and put it on me. I took it as her acceptance, but she made it clear that this was for "in the bedroom only". If I wanted to keep her, I had to become a type 2 fetish dresser cross-dresser. Shortly after the marriage, she cooled even more, forcing me even deeper into stealth. For 8 long years I was limited to fetish items in my bedroom, when she had the kids out of the house, usually for several hours. I could buy my own clothes, but my budget was very limited, and she would know if I was buying clothes to wear in public.

Eventually, we had such a platonic marriage that we were just room-mates with children. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, and enjoyed teasing me sexually and then making it clear that she would NEVER have sex with me again. We went to a marriage counselor. She didn't hesitate to tell him about my "wardrobe problem". After a few private sessions he told us that I was a type 6 transsexual who should have transitioned 20 years ago, and she was not bisexual or lesbian, so we could have an open marriage, platonic marriage, or just get divorced. My ex wife decided she would make me hate sex by tying me up and raping me with a candle. Since I couldn't stop it, I said the Serenity Prayer and realized that I just needed to accept it. I even started to enjoy it. That just made her angrier. The next day, she was in a psychiatric ward, where she met her next husband. After having an affair for 6 months, she told me he wanted to marry her.

I started seeing a gender counselor. Even though we both knew I was transsexual, I had been so badly hurt so many times, that it was very difficult for me to "come out". I wanted HRT and SRS more than anything, but I didn't want to lose my kids. When Leslie threatened to have my visitation revoked, but not my child support, I went back into stealth mode. By the time I was 45, I had given up all hope of transition. I was too fat, too old, my voice was too low. I had a 15 year long distance relationship which meant we got really kinky when we got together, but, we couldn't find a way to live in the same STATE let alone the same city or town.

When I met Lee, it was on Match.com. I put pictures of Rex and Debbie on the profile. She sent me an e-mail saying "Dude, you're wearing a dress, what's that about?". I sent back a note explainig that I was transgendered, but I didn't think it would be practical for me to transition at this point. We talked on the phone, then she showed my pictures to her daugher who was bisexual. Her response was "Well mom, at least you won't have to worry about shattering his fragile male ego when you tell him you're in charge of it". Lee told me exactly what she said, I laughed and said "Well, she's got that right". When she saw how even tempered I was, and that I really LIKED that she was "in charge of it", She decided I was a keeper. We got married.

Because I was still mostly living in stealth, I was heavy, almost 295, I wasn't eating right, wasn't exercising, and my blood pressure was up. In October 2007 I had a stroke. I recovered thanks to my wife, drill sargeant, and coach - I was well enough to go to my daughter's wedding (but not much else). When I recovered I realized that I needed access to Debbie at a deeper and more regular level or I would have another stroke or heart attack.

After another close call, and a trip to Saudi Arabia, I went to Sweden. I was exited even though I was going in November, because it was where some of the first SRS operations were performed. I created a female persona on Second Life, I got in touch with my feminine side. I waxed off my beard, then applied nair. There were blisters for days, and it hurt like sin, but I began to believe I COULD transition.

When my father was about to die, I flew up. His first words were "If I can't give you anything else, I want to give you this, Be yourself, even if that means being Debbie". For the next 5 days, my father got to know his oldest daughter, and he loved me. He had seen my facebook postings as Debbie, and realized that this wasn't just a phase, or a kink, or a hobby, it was who I was down to my core. My brother did ask that Rex attend the memorial service, but it was really "Debbie in the suit", in "Drag" so to speak. I spoke, telling a number of funny stories, setting the tone for the rest of the service. He had wanted his service to be a party, where everybody laughed as they remembered him with love.

When I came home, I joined this site and started on the cross-dressing side, but quickly found my way to the transsexual side. I read about the successes of the other girls who had started HRT and some who had completed SRS. It gave me more hope than I had ever had in my whole life. I got a gender therapist and began the process of transition. There were upsets and hiccups along the way, but I found it really helped to see the experiences of others, as well as sharing my experiences with others.

Today, I'm legally Deborah, I'm living and working as a woman, I have 40C breasts, and I'm happier than I've ever been before. Lee is happy with how I am, so there's no real pressure to rush into SRS unless the T-blockers stop working. I've discussed both Orchi and full SRS with both Lee and my doctor, and both are now suggesting that I wait until I can afford the SRS. When guys ask me if I've had "The operation", I ask "why did you want to have sex with me?". One time the guy actually nodded and said "yeah, you're cute!". I did have to remind him that I was happily married and had no intention of cheating, then explained that I didn't have the equipment he was hoping for.

Thank you all for your support and generosity in sharing. I only hope that I can give back a small portion of what I have been given.

Deb

[Michelle789]

Michelle,

I could relate to a lot of what you said too. I like to CD a lot, but I always felt it was much deeper than just the clothes. Whenever I heard stories of people transitioning I wished I had the opportunity to do so. It took me 34 years to finally realize that I am a woman born in a man's body, and I have started down the road of transition.

I do agree with others that you need to be prepared to lose everything, although in actually you might lose very little. You can't predict how others will react.

If you are certain that you are TS and need to transition then don't let anyone or anything stop you, and it's okay to start on hormones right away. Not everyone needs months of years of therapy before they start hormones. Remember that you are the one who knows if you're TS or not. A therapist, this forum, a support group, or any other resource can help you to figure it out, but ultimately you know the answer. No therapist nor anyone on this forum can tell you you are TS or not - only you know. So if you know you are TS after one therapy session that is totally okay. And if it took you 5 years of therapy to figure it out that's okay too.

Do you have a transgender support group that you belong to, or can join one locally? It would help drastically if you had other local transgender friends, who can help you with transition related stuff, provide you with moral support, and to have other people who will be there for you just in case your old friends all leave you? Once again no one in a support group can tell you whether or not you're trans, but you will make friends there and get all the support you need.

I wish you the very best in your transition. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to send me a PM

[MonicaJean]

Wow, DebbieL, you’ve had more than your fair share of rejection and pain. I’m soooo sorry for all that past pain! Very glad to see you’re on the right track and happy!

Michelle - no TG support group yet. Sounds like a great idea to attend one, and meet new friends possibly!

Cheyenne - You make a good point this is happening very fast, no plans for hormones yet, just bloodwork to have baseline info. However, I have no idea if a green-light will be given my way any time soon. Prepared to lose everything…that’s the cold reality. I probably will lose much, my kids and family are my deepest concern. My marriage will definitely end

Barbara - interesting how you arrived at the same conclusion even though you also arrived here for things CD-based, not TS based. I wonder how many others arrived here with the same CD-only frame of mind, dug deep, and eventually transitioned to some extent?

Melissa - I always thought it was about clothes until the last few years, and in the last year, I’m finally being brutally honest with myself with issues I’ve buried. Had the opportunity to dress a several times this year. Each time I’ve refrained except for one time, it wasn’t about the clothes, it was about my identity, those clothes are a result of it, not the other way around.

thank you all for your replies.

[I Am Paula]

I felt for many years that I was just a really devoted CD. I also knew deep down that this was just denial. I kept suppressing the truth even after giving full time a try. Finally, and all at once, I knew that fooling myself was no longer the answer.
My transition has been a happy, and successful one. While I agree with the status quo to be ready for loss, I lost very little, gained a lot, and came out the other side unscathed, and a much better person. Good luck.

[DeeDee1974]

I knew I was more than a CD, but it took me a long time to admit it. Coming to this site I quickly realized I didn't have much in common with the CD crowd. It wasn't really about the clothes, it was about my identity, and I mistakenly thought that wearing certain clothes would help me find my identity.

My wife (now ex) had to go overseas for about a month and I decided that I wanted to see what it was like to be the real me for a full day. The full day turned into several days and then everyday she was gone I was Dee. During that time I also met a transsexual who told me based I what I was telling her transition was imminent.

I've been very lucky to have most of my close friends and family support me. I had one close friend, who I expected to support me, bail. But the woman who I would have considered my most conservative friend fully embrace me and even become closer.

Continue to take your time and you will find your way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Have you been out and about at all in your CD travels??

If not, you have to get out there and experience what its really like as you embrace therapy... if you are starting hormones that is the easy part...its letting the doctor do the work..
the work is living and experiencing and I can't stress how important that will be for you(maybe i'm jumping the gun and you've been out a lot but it didn't seem like that in your post)

I do recall the slow realization of why I was crossdressing and I don't envy the position you are in.
Make sure you are really honest in your internal dialog and your dialog with your therapist. Nothing is set in stone and you'll have lots of ups and downs...its a good thing to challenge this realization you are having to make sure that's what it really is...

I know for me the idea of "i can't stand it anymore" was a driving factor in helping me be honest and realistic..it seems like you are there too... can you say you are being honest and realistic?? that's important and really it takes time ...

now you are the "what am I gonna do about it" stage but you are well served to do the work to help ensure you are doing the right thing


Dee dee makes a really good point too... the biggest factors of success for transition include a broad and deep support network of people that will be there for you.

[LeaP]

There is nothing unusual about transsexuals dressing less or stopping entirely. I never had the wonderful clothes experience some describe. Dressing was always intensely conflicted for me. Yet I too briefly identified as a cross-dresser. It didn't matter what came out or how I felt during dressing episodes (and that is the word I use). After-the-fact, and away from that state, if I thought about it at all – which was rare – the only concept I had was cross-dressing. And even that only came at the point when the identity crisis was starting to balloon. Prior to that, I didn't name it at all.

Then, briefly, I tried treating the issue as if it were cross-dressing need. Injecting false enthusiasm didn't ease the conflict, however. In fact, it became worse … far worse. My identification as a cross-dresser lasted only until I met cross-dressers and transsexuals. That I had little in common with the former and an incredible amount of commonality and resonance with the latter was an instant realization. It is like seeing yourself in a mirror and recognizing yourself for the first time.

[Suzanne F]

Hi Michelle
Welcome to TS forum! I too started out as CD a few years ago. I knew it was more than that but thought dressing would be enough. Wrong! I now live as a woman except for work. I work from home some so that helps. I have been in terapy for last 3 years and both my therapist and psychiatrist confirm that I am TS and that they support my transition. I will begin hormones next May after a 1 year agreement not to begin them with my wife. I am glad I made that agreement now as my family seems to have caught up with me and we are adjusting to me being Suzanne. If that voice inside you knows you should transition you will. Good luck and I hope you find some joy in this journey. Although it has been hard I have found joy in finally being me!
Suzanne

[becky77]

I was a DVDer now Blurayer lol.

Conflicted is a good word, I never had any interest in frilly stuff or lingerie etc etc it was always about trying to achieve a look, I now understand that I was trying to find the person inside my head. There was always frustration though, I couldn't grasp why I did it and what I wanted, it just left me feeling worse.

There is nothing unusual about transsexuals dressing less or stopping entirely.

My identification as a cross-dresser lasted only until I met cross-dressers and transsexuals. That I had little in common with the former and an incredible amount of commonality and resonance with the latter was an instant realization. It is like seeing yourself in a mirror and recognizing yourself for the first time.

I stopped for ten years, but the identity issues never went away, just wish I recognised what the problem was back then.

That second statement about meeting CDers etc has so much resonance with me it's like i'm wrote it.

[MonicaJean]

There is nothing unusual about transsexuals dressing less or stopping entirely.

My identification as a cross-dresser lasted only until I met cross-dressers and transsexuals. That I had little in common with the former and an incredible amount of commonality and resonance with the latter was an instant realization. It is like seeing yourself in a mirror and recognizing yourself for the first time.

Trans gender realization encapsulated into a just a few sentences. So true Lea! I had the same exact experience.

I was a DVDer now Blurayer lol.

Conflicted is a good word, I never had any interest in frilly stuff or lingerie etc etc it was always about trying to achieve a look, I now understand that I was trying to find the person inside my head. There was always frustration though, I couldn't grasp why I did it and what I wanted, it just left me feeling worse.



I stopped for ten years, but the identity issues never went away, just wish I recognised what the problem was back then.

That second statement about meeting CDers etc has so much resonance with me it's like i'm wrote it.

I agree with you, the identity issues never went away for me either. Though I didn't know it at the time as I blamed other factors for the stresses and depression.

[Marleena]

My identification as a cross-dresser lasted only until I met cross-dressers and transsexuals. That I had little in common with the former and an incredible amount of commonality and resonance with the latter was an instant realization. It is like seeing yourself in a mirror and recognizing yourself for the first time.

*GASP* you admit to CDing? Ditto for me.

From Anne Vitale: I have never met a genetic male who has gone on to transition to the female gender role that did not start out as a cross dresser.

Anyways when I joined here I had not ever worn a wig, makeup, or fake boobs, but it quickly escalated. I knew I had gender issues but just not the extent of it. A vacation as female and seeing myself as a woman triggered severe GD again and here I am struggling with it.

For the OP make sure to take your time with this. Many things you do can't be undone and some things will be totally unexpected once you start transition.

[Brianna_H]

I strongly relate to LeaP's statement quoted below, as well.

Michelle1, I'm in a similar situation to you. Been on the forums a couple of months and just had my second therapy session. I'm taking it slow and careful, mainly because of the cautionary tales shared here on the forum. Also there has been a lot of upheaval in my home life and I don't want to add to it any more than necessary.

DebbieL, thank you for sharing your story. I definitely do not feel my gender dysphoria so strongly, which is also a reason I'm going slow. You, and the other gals here, have made it through so much. I hope you get some satisfaction from the fact that your struggles have made it easier for younger transsexuals to get the care and understanding they need. So far to go, but y'all have opened doors for those behind you. Hugs!

[Cheyenne Skye]

Lea nailed it. I see why so many here look up to her. It was much the same for me. I had finally decided to start therapy. The clinic I went to had a waiting list for new patient appointments. While I waited (three months as it turns out), I found a local support group. After that first meeting it was like a light bulb went on inside. I realized that it was possible to transition, not just sitting home dolled up and wishing. Of course my (ex)wife thought they were putting ideas in my head. Here I am now three years later. Out at work, legal name change, hormones for two years. I still have regular people problems (I'm quite broke), but the dysphoria demon seems to have taken an extended vacation.