I’ve experienced so much over the past month. Since I decided to no longer fight, but embrace my femininity. I feel like I’ve learned more about myself in this short time than I have over the past 47 years. I’ve also learned a lot about this community (CD, TG, Homosexual, Bi-Sexual, Multi-Sexual….whatever you want to label it). I used to have a great amount of disdain (not judgment). I’ve learned that the disdain I had was not because of who or what they were, but because who and what I was trying NOT to be. I no longer have that disdain, but regard for those carrying these social stigmas.
My personality is an embodiment of both male and female traits. How I project those traits becomes my persona. Anne is my fem persona, not a different personality. My male persona projects what I call “man mode.” So, I’ve read a few posts from GGs, SOs and MTF TGs and see that many don’t understand why we crossdress. I mean they say they know we can’t help it, but why don’t all of us decide to just transition?
In another thread I mentioned that I really like being in fem mode and feel so much happier. The question keeps popping in my head, “Am I transgendered?” This Thanksgiving briefly answered that question for me.
I’ve shared previously that about 16 months ago, I gave up CDing “for good”!!! I told my entire family and asked them to help hold me accountable if I started to drift into it again. Well, this time I didn’t drift into it, but took the full immersed plunge into it. So far, I told only a select few in my family. Thus, Thanksgiving will be spent entirely in “man mode” out of respect.
About 4 months ago one of my daughters had a boyfriend that was a lazy, good-for-nothing moocher. Now, we couldn’t tell her that. He was “the greatest thing since sliced bread.” About a month ago she started seeing him for what he is, not what she wanted him to be. So, she broke up with him, but didn’t kick him out or HER house. He wouldn’t leave and started showing aggression against her and my 6-year-old chronically ill granddaughter. So, Thanksgiving morning, my daughter had enough. She raced over to my eldest daughter’s house (where I was staying) and told us that he threatened her and my granddaughter. Son-in-law and I raced over to HER house and he wouldn’t let us in. I picked the garage door lock and told him to “LEAVE NOW.” He said, “Or what? You have no right to remove me from this house.” I said, “The hell I don’t! Get the F*&# out of my daughter’s house (I never cuss, but it was necessary this time). I did whatever I could to try to get him to hit me so I could take him out. But, he was very cunning. He wouldn’t initiate physical contact. So, I called 911. While on with 911, he starts packing. Before the cops arrive, he was gone. Without getting into a long story, I was totally in “man mode” and felt really good about it. I protected my family, showed aggression, but was in total control. I believe my femininity kept me from pounding the guy’s face to the ground and possibly going to jail.
So, jerk is gone and I'm trying to enjoy the rest of my time with family. I was asked to play football. I was hesitant for 2 reasons: 1) I hadn’t played in probably 10+ years (badly broke arm in 2002. Never been same); 2) didn’t want to hurt the body I’m now trying to effeminate. Well, since I’ve been working out, I feel fine. I’m lean, I’m mean, I’m ready to play. I kept up with my 18- and 16- year old nephews. As a matter of fact, to even out the teams, I became all-time quarterback (that’s quarterback for both teams). I could not believe how good I was. Only about 3 bad passes out of probably 30 throws. 1 interception (receivers fault – haha). However, I was playing in desert sand and slipped several times skinning my knees. First thought, “Oh no. My girly legs!” Even in total ‘man mode’ I still had feminine vanity. Still had a blast.
On Sunday, my 6-year-old granddaughter (Child of same daughter that had moocher boyfriend) became deathly ill 105 + temp. My granddaughter has a very rare genetic defect and certain internal organs can shut down with little warning. So, she’s been in the hospital quite a bit since she was born. So, again, I had to be of sound mind and reason. Keeping heads cool and take care of things when others were panicking. It was scary, but she is out of the hospital today. If anyone wants more details on my granddaughter, you can PM me.
Prior to this Thanksgiving, I was really starting to lean toward being Anne full-time. But, this weekend while in ‘man-mode’ I decided, “No. I must be a man.” Not just for my family, but I also got a lot of fulfillment from being able to do such things. I need to hold on to those traditional roles men play (bread winner, protector, leader, and showing strength).
However, I came home Monday and dressed Anne. As I was applying makeup I started feeling more and more feminine. It only took about 15 minutes for makeup. Put on LBD (see http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ng-Black-Dress) thread). I couldn’t believe how good I looked. I had lost more weight and looked even more feminine.
Now, I’m confused again. I really enjoy being in and get fulfillment from ‘fem mode’, but I also get satsfaction being in ‘man mode’. I do enjoy things in ‘man mode’ but don’t get the excitement. Playing football was great. But, dressing up and dancing around the house to some classic rock was so much more fun and exhilarating.
Still seeking balance…..