Sometimes I think we are waiting for the elephant to be big enough to where we are pressed against the wall and can't find the door. I would say mascara has to be the #1 oversight. Gotta watch those midnight evenings on work nights maybe????
Sometimes I think we are waiting for the elephant to be big enough to where we are pressed against the wall and can't find the door. I would say mascara has to be the #1 oversight. Gotta watch those midnight evenings on work nights maybe????
I am rereading this excellent post. MP'ers. I am one. Things are becoming more difficult for me, always presenting as male. I see myself slowly changing my appearance to make myself more at ease. I always thought that I could control this and turn it on and shut it off, but as I age(early 40's)I am realizing that I continue to move in a feminine direction. I see I am at that age, tick toc tick toc of transition, it is scaring me, but I like how feminine I am feeling too.
People do notice. I had a confrontation tonight with a co worker(we are all really freelance people or sub contractors) that was fired off a job I am still doing, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had nothing to do with him getting canned..... but he called me names and swore at me and made cutting remarks about my gender etc. he was drunk..it was uncomfortable, he was soon asked to leave by people that came to my aid..I was just getting ready to kick his old ass(not really)
My point, besides wanting to share, is that he sees me as feminine, not a real man. I saw on his angry face the truth of what I am.
I am always smooth, except arm hair and always under dress, sometimes light make up, and am sashaying around and smiling at times, because that is me.
Not over the top flaming stuff, so I think.....
I am grateful to read the words of others here. It helps to center myself.
I am not looking to transition. I would like to stop right here, and just continue to dress up and feel feminine.
♥♥♥
Nomei
polythene pam
I think the elephant increases or decreases in size depending on a lot of factors other than how the semi-closeted CD is presenting herself physically. Just these factors jump to my mind: Married or Single? Parents/Siblings/Children residing in the same immediate area? Blue Collar or White Collar job? Geographic Location inside or outside a metropolitan area? The CD's personal orientation towards being athletic and/or outdoorsy? Does the CD hang out with a lot of friends when in guy mode.
I think that the speed at which the CD is transitioning also makes a huge difference. Over the past 10 years or so I personally lost forty-five pounds of mostly upper body muscle mass, began shaving all over including my arms, eliminated a mustache I'd worn for 20 years, had both ears pierced, let my hair grow out to ponytail length, and began plucking my eyebrows moderately. It was all gradual but not by design, it was just what made me feel comfortable.
I work in an office/professional environment where I wear suits and neckties and dress shoes all the time, and don't hang around with a regular bunch of pals, and the only one who notices any of this is my ex-wife, who has never seen me dressed, but has a pretty good idea. She's the only one who's said anything whether sarcastic or complimentary. I can see, however, if I had, e.g., a regular nine o' clock Saturday morning tee time with golfing buddies, or a Tuesday night poker club, that someone might have noticed something by now. I do some serious bicycling, 25-50 mile runs, with a group, but they're all skinny and semi-hairless, too. The Ex- accuses me of using that as a cover for the shaved legs, btw. :-)
Being in guy mode most of the time is a necessity for me. It is functionally far easier than being in girl mode but not satisfying.Originally Posted by ReineD
So for you middlepathers (MP - oh goody, a new acronym), how difficult is it to be in guy mode a bulk of the time?
Guy mode brings home bacon and provides the utilitarian services that males are expected to provide for their family. Girl mode is how I can express myself creatively. It find it distressing to have to be out and about in guy mode while watching GGs enjoy their normal lives.
I don't think that this is completely rational, but that is the way it feels to me.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Hi Sara, At some point the Elephant is going to push you out of the room and you will be out.
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
It's been a while since my elephant has had a need to update her tale. I guess that's the way it should be, or at least the way I'd prefer it to be. But I can't seem to buy a break from this friend of mine.
A little back-story. It's been darned hot here in SoCal. Summer started very slowly in that it was very mild for quite some time. Then it seems like about 6 weeks ago the heat returned with a vengeance and heatwaves of 100+ temps seemed to be upon us more often than not.
Usually during this kind of weather I would only keep a pedi when I go out & about, only to remove the polish soon after returning home. It is pool season and my elephant isn't about to start explaining colored toesies to anyone. Last Tuesday morning on kind of a whim I reapplied some color (A-Rose at Dawn...Broke by Noon by OPI) and I was able to keep this around until Sunday morning. Knowing my friend and his daughter would be coming over later to swim, I removed it. Then to ensure my removal would stand the test of keeping my elephant quiet, I got my reading glasses and went over it again, making sure to get every speck around the base of the nails and off of the cuticles.
Perfectly confident that I had sufficiently taped my elephant's mouth shut, I was surprised to hear from my friend while sitting on the patio...
Are you wearing nail polish???
Holy s#*^, I thought. There's no way he can perceive anything, is there???
When I asked why he would say that, he replied that my nails have a pumpkin-y color to them.
I replied that I wasn't and pretty much left it at that.
So what was it that he saw? How did I get busted for a non-existent pedi? Well I do have some discoloration due to longtime use of darker polish colors. This is usually evident as I come off of the fall-winter-spring seasons while pretty much having a pedi 24/7. Summer things get to "air out" and the discoloration tends to grow out so by this time of year it should be completely unnoticeable. Yet this year I've been trying to keep a pedi more often than not and this is the result despite the fact I use a good quality base coat every time I have my nails done or do them myself.
Sigh. That's all I can do these days. I would come clean to him in a heartbeat if I had my wife's blessing to do so. At this point though, he just keeps missing that bullseye by smaller increments at every shot. It's only a matter of time before he nails it.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
I'd agree that your friend has definitely seen the elephant. . And I am sure you're right - as you've added the modifications, like the eye brows and longer hair, and now some discoloration from nail polish, you've provided much more distinctive tells. So...whats next? It seems that cat is very nearly out of the bag.
Last edited by kimdl93; 09-17-2012 at 08:46 AM.
I can't be sure. I never have had much body hair anyway and no one even notices if I keep my arm hair very short and use peroxide on the hairs. My eyebrows have always been a little thin for a man so plucking them a little is not noticable especially if I have glasses on. I do not shave my legs but there is very little hair on them any way and from a few feet away you could not see any. I will soon shave them as soon as weather tell me no more shorts. What I am afraid of is the way I have caught myself acting more and more feminine in how I walk, stand sit and so on. I have to be careful around some people with that.
Since the 70's when gender got a little smeared, I have always worn necklaces and sometimes bracelets and such so no one notices that much. I have always wore clothes that were less masculine such as short pants...I never liked the long styles and usually went for shorter legstyles. I have also been losing a lot of weight lately...30 lbs so far...and the changes there are much more noticable than any feminine things. Truth is I have always been a little feminine and did a lot to hide that so I am pretty good at hiding that even though I am changing a little too. I do not think I will ever be able to go all the way to being a girl like I always wanted but my goal is to be able to pass as a man when around the family and workmates and to be a woman when I want to be.
Last edited by Angela Campbell; 09-17-2012 at 09:14 AM.
Your friend has suspiciously fine discrimination in colour words for a man...he replied that my nails have a pumpkin-y color to them.
Sara,
As you know my elephant is now free roaming our house and yard, since the entire extended family knows. Yet, it seems as if no one outside the family has a clue. Strange because I fully shave my body, have painted toe nails and wear ear rings all the time. But, no one at my golf club or other groups has ever said a thing. I just got back from 3 weeks in Scotland and the first thing I did was totally shave my body again and had a mani and pedi. Then I went to a reunion of lifeguards, wearing shorts and no a word or inkling from any one. Including my wonderful wife. Do I worry about the elephant breaking free? Sure. I think one of these day the elephant will jump in my pool and make a wave so big it will knock down the walls and run wild. In the mean time I'll try to keep the elephant happy and well fed. And hold my breath.
I have some free time from the end of October to the middle of November. Maybe you can come on down and leave your elephant at home as mine will cover us both.
I think he thought you were celebrating halloween early this year!
I has the same thought....I mean, how often do you look at another mans feet anyway?Your friend has suspiciously fine discrimination in colour words for a man...
Well, it's not that. Even the most imperceptive guy will notice something that is odd immediately and key on it. "Discolored toenails? Hmmmm, are those yellowish? Why. That's not right."
Kathi
I probably would notice yellowish toenails...but lingering hint of color...meh, not unless he was looking for it.
In the movie "Just Like a Women" the main character blames his painted toenails on a cure for athletes foot.
What a great post, I hate I am just now finding it. Sara, I just loved how you used the "elephant in the room" to make your point. Entertaining, and thought-provoking.
I think your post made me realize something about my "mods" as you put it. Usually when I get it in my head to make a girly mod, my first concern is "normal" appearance in everyday guy mode. But, I usually make the mod anyway and rationalize whatever it was on a very individual, isolated basis. By that I mean, I feel like I can get away with that ONE thing. Either it's not uncommon or it's easily explainable. Hair down to my waist. No problem. Both ears pierced, no problem. Does he smell like perfume? Naw, must be me, no problem. etc etc etc
None of those things by themselves are going to create an elephant. However, when I begin to look at the combined effect of long hair, pierced ears, necklace, polka dot cell phone cover, pink cigarette lighter, faint hint of girly shampoo/deodorant etc , I think for the first time it dawns on me that when the "mods" start adding up, the story begins to tell itself.
My elephant has answered her party invitation and found the room, but she is not sitting on anyone's lap or dancing with a lampshade on her giant gray head. She is sitting by herself, legs crossed at the ankle, politely sipping her tea. I think.
Last edited by Abbygirl; 09-17-2012 at 07:13 PM.
It's a fungus....No my little daughter painted them..... No I'm a MMA fighter......
I think the elephant has a nest . :-) Yep, know the feeling. Makes for some interesting moments. The big one will be when he centers that target and your mind has to make that quick decision on whether to say it or think about what your wife would say. That is a tough one to do in one or two seconds.
That's the million dollar question. I guess stay tuned.
Just for the record, there was no hint of lingering nail polish color. And I know it sounds totally gross (eeeew, yellowish toenails!!!) but it's very subtle. It's not like I have some kind of rampant fungus going on. But at the same time, as subtle as it is, it's still noticeable.
Kind of.
Yes, I think his perceptive abilities have been heightened by my other modifications.
Time will tell. He has come darned close to that target, that's for sure!
I've been kicking around whether to tell my wife what he's been saying over the last few months. I know I should. Who knows, she may say to simply tell him and get it over with.
OK, I doubt that one!
I'm glad you enjoyed this thread Abby. And the rest of your comment really captures the essence of Elephant Theory in our TG world.
We both have zoo elephants except for your zoo is open to visitors. My elephant gets out but she usually has a tarp over her to get her outside of that circle of comfort before we let her roam free.
That said, I'm pencilling in a visit but my elephant is coming along. I hope it's still warm, she likes water!!!
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
If there is sun the water will be warm as the whole top of the house is solar panels for the pool. Look forward to seeing you again and meeting your elephant. Mine will be here, but difficult to see as he/she is invisable.
Why not just admit that you like wearing nail polish like a lot of athletes, MMA Fighters, Race Car Drivers and other men have done lately? It is no different than when men first started wearing earrings. Google "men wearing nail polish" and you will see how many celebs and athletes are doing it.
You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.
Interesting. I'll check it out.
<begin/rant>
Jamie, I cannot believe you aren't sick of me refuting this post of yours that you probably have posted about 1,145 times (since that's all you seem to care about, colored nails). You have utterly failed to read, let alone understand the essence of anything that I have talked about in this little thread. All you have captured is "It is pool season and my elephant isn't about to start explaining colored toesies to anyone".
Think it through, just for a minute outside of your wonderfully colorful pedi world. I have illustrated a number of changes in my appearance that when taken alone might be dismissed. Put a couple together, alright, my "secret" might still be safe. What I'm talking about is the piling on of these changes and how others perceive them. You know, "walks like a duck...", or in this case, an elephant.
Read Abby's post if nothing else. She captures the essence very succinctly. In the meantime, I'm not inclined to add colored toes to my everyday "out & about" repertoire any time soon no matter how many Nascar drivers or MMA fighters might do so. I don't race cars for a living, nor do I have any desire to fight. You go ahead and blaze your trail, whatever that might mean to you. Gosh knows no one here has a clue as to what you are all about aside from proudly displaying your red toes in women's sandals for all to see 27/7/365.
<end/rant>
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
I am beginning to understand that there is a very significant difference between folks like myself including Butterfly Bill, and Sissy Stephanie that are just feminine guys that present as a guy but wear women's clothing and makeup and the Crossdresser that attempts to present as a woman. I am usually wearing women's Capri Pants, a fem hairstyle, women's sandals, nail polish and a women's purse. I am still not sure if I'm really a crossdresser because I just incorporate feminine items into my male presentation just as some women incorporate men's clothing into their normal female presentation. I am just a feminine male just like some women are Tomboys.
I feel that there there may be a lot less stigma associated with male that incorporates feminine items into a male presentation than a Crossdresser that attempts to appear and pass as woman. I believe that the Crossdresser that attempts to appear as a woman is much more concerned about being outed than a male that presents as a male but incorporates items of feminine clothing. In fact, straight males that wear nail polish, skirts, and other feminine attire have been in the new quite a lot lately. In my opinion, that is why men that wear skirts, nail polish, feminine shoes, etc are much more out there and open about their presentation than men that attempt to pass as a woman. Does this make sense? I believe that there is a very significant difference between a Crossdresser than tries to pass as a woman and the male that incorporates feminine items into his otherwise feminine presentation. As I spend more time on this site, this concept is being reinforced.
As for "blazing my trail" I believe that my trail can be summed-up as "Fashion Freedom for Men" and I blaze the trail by wearing feminine items as a man. I believe it is the road to acceptance of men wearing feminine clothing, just as women obtained their fashion freedom by incorporating masculine items into their overall presentation without attempting to appear as a man. I truly believe that if men wore some feminine clothing or makeup as men that crossdressing would be more accepted. The road is paved by men that are willing to incorporate feminine items into their otherwise male appearance and to wear those items openly. I believe that is the only way the crossdressing with ever be accepted by the general public.
It also has very much to do with two things: the circles that you move in, and your ability to accurately sense the reactions to your appearance.
For example, a young guy who is gay, has lots of gay friends, works in an environment that is open to gay men, and who lives in a place like San Francisco, will have a wonderful life walking around in capris, painted nails, and pink scarves ... but so much if he works in a business district in a more conservative city, or if he lives in a small town.
Also, some people are completely unaware of people's reactions to them. This is difficult to explain, but a person can be rather a loner, thinking that everyone accepts his unconventional appearance. He doesn't look to make friendships, and so he is satisfied with presenting an appearance that he finds beautiful but that many people in his particular milieu might find weird. If, however, he's in this same milieu trying to make friends and finds this difficult, he might decide to drop the scarf, the capris, and the painted toe nails.
I'm not making a value judgment on anyone's appearance choices, just saying that people who dress unconventionally had best be in milieus where this is tolerated, if they want to form bonds with other people.
Reine
Jamie, thank you for the thoughtful reply. And I apologize if mine seemed a bit terse but seriously, this is far from a black & white issue for many of us.
The easiest way for me to describe my POV is that I'm all good with the gender binary society we live in, I was simply drafted to the wrong team. My out & about life is tempered by the fact that the closer I get to home, the more closeted it becomes. This is not so much about me, it's all about my family. Hence my elephant as a metaphor for all of the things I have done to my appearance, not only to enhance my presentation when in the real world but more importantly, to help manage my own GID. These things when taken together put me out there at risk for being perceived as TG.
I have admitted elsewhere that it has taken a bit of effort to get my head around the mixed presentation individuals such as yourself and others you describe. Yes, we are all quite different when it comes to POV and practice IRL. Your angle is different from that of a CD'er who's might be different from a "middle-pather" (whether that MP self-identifies as CD or TS) which of course is much different from that of the transitioning TS, and so on. While I think I can "get" where your POV is coming from, I don't think it does much for the cause of other TG individuals who are out & about because really, it's apples & oranges. I'm not looking for a blurring of the gender lines. I don't look at other men and think they have too few fashion choices or that they need to wear makeup or nail polish. They are just fine the way they are, both aesthetically and the fact they are perfectly content being...men. The gender binary makes sense for most. We will always be outliers to some extent.
One final point. I'm guessing your being incredulous about someone like me who chooses not to present a colored pedi while presenting as a male might be similar to my feelings about anyone who chooses not to shave their legs. Having gone there without the world exploding (on both of our fronts), it's hard to imagine why anyone else wouldn't make the exact same choice. The difference is that everyone's personal situation is different and what works for you or I might not work so well for them. I could paint my toes today for the world to see and it might end up being "meh" to everyone else.
Or it might just be the straw that broke the elephant's back.
Last edited by Sara Jessica; 09-19-2012 at 07:49 AM.
Like a corpse deep in the earth I'm so alone, restless thoughts torment my soul, as fears they lay confirmed, but my life has always been this way - Virginia Astley, "Some Small Hope" (1986)
Sunlight falls, my wings open wide. There's a beauty here I cannot deny - David Sylvian, "Orpheus" (1987)
Posting Permissions
