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Thread: Question for all of you in the closet

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Question for all of you in the closet

    Ladies,
    This question is for all of you still in the closet, particularly those that continually post that they are in with the door firmly shut.

    If you have been here for a while you will know that I am anything but in the closet, if you are new, find and read some of my posts.

    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine? (and others like me)

    I heard all the time about how no one would accept them, yet I am out to everyone, wife, kids, friends. Not just 2 or 3 people, but around 30. NONE of them have any issues with it. they are all different ages, and from diverse backgrounds. So Why will all the people in your lives be so different?

    I also hear, "I live in a very CD unfriendly place". Yet I live in the land of the Bible belt, Conservative, republican strong hold. Hell when I go mountain biking sometimes the trail is blocked by secret service because George W. Bush has decided to ride that trail today. Yes he lives here. But I go out on the town , Dallas, with my CD friends and we are happily accepted everywhere we go, and we go everywhere. So What makes your city/town so different?

    Yes, I know I will get beat up over this one, but I'm used to it by now!
    Last edited by JessHaust; 04-11-2012 at 10:15 AM.
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  2. #2
    Member VanessaJCD's Avatar
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    Jess,

    Everyone's situation is different. Where they live, their family and friends, and their level of CD desire. I think all of that plays out in the decision.

    I know you have read some of the out stories. Some are happy tales, some are not. There is the fear that yours will be one of the unhappy tales and why would anyone want that?
    Hugs and Kisses,

    Vanessa Jane

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VanessaJCD View Post
    Jess,

    Everyone's situation is different. Where they live, their family and friends, and their level of CD desire. I think all of that plays out in the decision.

    I know you have read some of the out stories. Some are happy tales, some are not. There is the fear that yours will be one of the unhappy tales and why would anyone want that?
    I think the good stories have out numbered the bad stories 100 to 1, so the odds are with you for a good experience.
    But What I really want to know is Why exactly do people think that their situation will fall into the bad side. I know that they are different, but why is different always assumed to be bad?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #4
    Junior Member Sarah-J's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine?
    No, I'm not going to beat you up! I think that's a reasonable question and the only answer I have right now is: Nothing.

    Your question got me to thinking and that's a good thing!

    Obviously, the details of everyone's situation are different, but my reason for not coming out is simply because I'm not ready to come out yet. Don't know if I ever will be or will want to. Right now, I'm feeling no desire to do that. Perhaps that will change someday, I don't know. It's pretty cozy where I am right now and I'm happy with it. I've only been dressing for a few short years and am still working my way up the learning curve in both education and attire (I haven't even gotten into shaving or makeup yet and still don't know if I will).

    Since I'm well into my 40's and have never been married (and I'm 99.99% heterosexual), I can only guess what kinds of things might be discussed behind my back, but it's nothing I've given any thought to until like... right now and, frankly, it doesn't bother me. So perhaps coming out may not be the shock to my family that I imagine it might be. (Even 750 miles away, I suspect my mother suspects that something might be 'different' about her little boy... but Moms seem to know everything anyway, don't they?)

    Okay, I've rambled enough.

  5. #5
    Member Kimberlyfaye's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    I'm in the closet but my door is slightly open. I've been out in public a few times, some friends and ny partner know. I just feel afraid of what people will think of me and the jokes and nasty comments that will come with me opening that door. I know I shouldn't be but I just can't help it.

  6. #6
    Member JerseyGirlDonna's Avatar
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    Jess,
    I have several issues at play at home. My wife knows I've CD'ed in the past, even caught me once. She asked me to stop and might even think that I have. We avoid the question now. I'm afraid that if I came out to her now, on top of the other issues going on, that would be the straw to break the camel's back. When other issues go away, I might tell her. Until then I dress to maintain my sanity and keep it to myself preserve peace at home. My wife has been supportive but not that supportive, if you get my drift......

  7. #7
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    It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am not only comfortable, but happy about being a crossdresser. I had to get over the notion that I would somehow be betraying my family, my friends, my self, and society-at-large if I gave in and allowed myself to "come out". It has also taken me years to get to a presentable enough point where I feel like I could be around other people while dressed.

    I have wanted to get outside for ages but the idea of actually coming out of the closet was, until recently, terrifying. Oddly, the idea of someone close to me finding out about my TG tendencies is not scary anymore. I'm not ready to shout from the rooftops but I am also not inclined to hide any longer. I am who I am. I am a crossdresser, it doesn't go away, there are many of us, and it's time for me to join the ranks of those that get out there and live. Wheels are in motion and I won't be staying in this closet much longer. That is a promise.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member StephanieDragg's Avatar
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    My feeling here is that everyone here is at a different point in this journey, there is a process everyone must take to feel comfortable with how far they are willing to go and feel good that taking a risk and being "exposed" is worth the gratification of the desires you have if you want to go out dressed, or come out to someone. That process does take some work through time, getting the right clothes, perfecting a certain look, practicing with make up and hair and of coarse being comfortable and confident enough to go through with it. I know I have been there. We also hear many stories here about cd's that have come out to their wives and found themselves dealing with divorce or other issues.

    I know for a fact that I did not wake up one morning, try on a dress and say OMG I gotta get out to the mall and get some matching shoes for this!

  9. #9
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    Everyone may be all smiles when you're standing there, but it's the !@# they say when you're not. I see it at work. We have a TS woman and several openly gay people employed there. Before I fell under suspicion (and hence out of the loop) people would talk so nastily about them behind their backs, but would be all sweet as honey to them when they had to work with them. I imagine they still chatter about it, just now I'm included as a subject of their scorn. I've learned to live with the poisoned workplace and I have dealt with the blatant harassment. I cannot get the gumption to drive up to work in my prettiest dress and heels and punch in. I almost got the #$% kicked out of me when I was a kid for doing the same thing. That won't happen again.


    ginger

  10. #10
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    I got caught CDing by my mother one time as a fifteen year old. My parents let me know how very displeased they were. Three months later I got into some trouble connected with CDing. The police were extra harsh on me as were the psychiatrist and counselors connected to my case. When I was engaged to my wife , my fiance accidently found out about me. We almost didn't get married. Fortunately she accepted that part of me. Sixteen years later she had an abrupt about face and no longer tolerated it. We had a few separations because of my CDing. We no longer talk about it although I have tons of clothes. She 'outed' me to our church some years ago and they came down hard on me also.

    I have in the past gone out quite a few times. Had some good times but those days are few and far between now. Since I've been retired I've suffered some physical maladies that have prevented me from participating even a little bit in my passion.

    Most of my friends and family have also said they are intolerant of gays and CDers. These are all reasons I keep it mainly to myself except when I visit this site.

  11. #11
    Audrey Michelle's SO
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    Jess, I don't mean this badly at all. So my question is genuine and not meant to sound nasty. Just saying that because sometimes things are taken out of context when read by another.

    Do you mostly frequent the Oak Lawn area? Would you feel equally comfortable donning a pair of cowboy boots and Miss Me jeans and heading westward to cow town? Would you feel as safe?

  12. #12
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Jess, no beating up. Like your posts too much to do that. Like has been said, everyone progresses at a different pace on their journey I would add that the development of, and the decision to go out is entirely mental. That includes the mental acceptance that we are comfortable with how we look and would be perceived, and that we would be comfortable. Not everyone's mind can make a rational decision regarding something that has been beaten into them over the many years of dressing, that they are not worthy of public display. We all know that is BS, but it is there for so many. I have been dressing for 7 months, and have been on this site for most of that time, so i do not harbor those negative feelings, and am progressing rather nicely, and do plan to go out.

    But the decision to do this is one of getting the positive/negative balance in the mind. Your mind made that decision (cant say if it was easy or not, but you know what you went through). The wonderful positive stories that are posted here are a tremendous source of positive thoughts. But, even a 100 to 1 ratio may not be enough to counterbalance the feelings in someone's mind. It might need to be 10,000 to 1 to have an impact given on what that particular person has stored in his mind on the negative side. So not everyone will be as quick as some have been. Many could have so many bad points stored that the vision in their head is that it will never never happen. But this can change as more information, just what this forum supplies, is obtained.

    The key is to never stop posting. I read where some girls dont post their going out because they consider it too "normal" and not worth writing about. Nothing we do is "normal" and everything we do provides one more piece of information for someone's balance point, so you never know when someone will benefit from a trivial or normal activity. They are all positives. They are activities that provide a thought that will be treasured by many of us.

    Dont stop moving forward, and dont stop informing everybody here.

    Love to all, Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
    - Friedrich Nietzche -
    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  13. #13
    Silver Member BRANDYJ's Avatar
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    Jess, your question is a good one that no one is going to beat you up for. I might get beat up because of my response, but I'll risk it anyway.
    For me, it's the very real feeling of fear of humiliation from those that know me and yes, even those that don't. I am not passable in daylight. I might get away with it in a dimly lit bar, but that's about it. I am not built small enough to go un- noticed. I for one would not go out knowing people will clearly see that I'm a man dressed like a woman. I know there are some that just don't care what others think. For what it's worth, I do. I also have this fear of making anyone around me feel uncomfortable. Many people when around someone "odd" do feel very uncomfortable and don't know how to act or what to say. I even have trouble shopping for woman’s clothes while in drab. I do it, but not comfortable doing it. I would never try anything on in a store. Further, I definitely would not shop while dressed. Not worth the feelings of fear for what others think. Also, I live in a small city and have been here for more then 50 years. I could run into someone that knows me just about anywhere. I am out to the extent that I have been to places that welcome CD's and TG's. I have no problem with that and enjoy it although it has been a few years since I've had the opportunity to go out. I also have some close friends that I have told after assessing their most likely reaction. Luckily, i have not been wrong yet. So my closet is not that shut. But it's only open to the level I am comfortable with. I'm not complaining and can live with it.
    Last edited by BRANDYJ; 04-11-2012 at 12:34 PM.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ErinsWife View Post
    Jess, I don't mean this badly at all. So my question is genuine and not meant to sound nasty. Just saying that because sometimes things are taken out of context when read by another.

    Do you mostly frequent the Oak Lawn area? Would you feel equally comfortable donning a pair of cowboy boots and Miss Me jeans and heading westward to cow town? Would you feel as safe?
    Good question Erinswife,

    Thank you for the question, and no I don't take it as nasty in any way, this is the kind of real questions we should be asking each other.

    Since you mention the Gayborhood , the local slang for the oak lawn area. I'll assume you know the area. The Oak lawn area is always a good place and many events we attend end up there, but I do go other places and often.
    Now in spite of the fact that I am a Texas native, Own and live on 50 acres and actually own cows and a couple of tractors, I have never enjoyed the cowboy image, and would never wear a cowboy hat and boots, even in drab! Oh, and I'm not a 'jeans' girl, it's skirts and dresses or nothing!

    But I have gone to restaurants in Addison, Deep Ellem, McKinney ave, Downtown Dallas. I've been shopping at Grapevine mills mall, to the Lakewood theater, the Pocket Sandwich Theater, the Angelika theater and the Dallas Museum of Art. I've been to the new Omni hotel downtown by the convention center with 11 other girls for drinks after a GEAR meeting at La Madeline's . Last friday is a pretty good example - I met 2 of my CD friends at Nordstrums Rack across from Northpark, made her get a skirt (she was in jeans and we were in dresses!), we then went to Cosmic Cafe for dinner. After dinner we did go to Sue Ellen's, a lesbian bar in the gayborhood where we met 12 other girls (all CD's) plus a few GG's that know us there, we ended the evening at 3:00 am at Buzz Brew for coffee.
    So yes, I go anywhere I want, I just don't want to go to the stockyard or the rodeo, I see cows everyday.

    PS. If you are in this area, pm me and I can give you more info.
    Last edited by JessHaust; 04-11-2012 at 12:37 PM.
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  15. #15
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Why would ANYONE HERE not respect the fact that u r simply being yourself and enjoying your life? I'm very happy for u, Jess! I'll be surprised if u receive ANY flack for your post!

    But, to get your question, "What makes MY situation different from yours"? Never mind that that's a bit naive of u, as others have pointed out. OK, here goes. "Why I'm a closet dresser":

    1. Similar to what Brandy said, I couldn't pass at midnite during a blackout!

    2. I don't NEED to go out dressed to enjoy myself! I don't even feel or believe in my heart that I'm TG! Hey! I'm a CD, not a TS!

    3. I dress for the excitement, challenge, and satisfaction of it! Dressing in granny gear, (I'm over 60), to shop for cat food at the market is NOT WHAT BLOWS MY HAIR BACK!

    4. I don't care to compromise how I dress. Hooker, semi naked, movie star, stripper, or waitress. Dressing to blend to please vanilla folks is NOT enjoyable, only stressful for me!

    5. If I run into my daughter's 3rd grade teacher, (as happened recently), or someone else who knows me while shopping for ladies shoes in drab, it's NOT a problem. If Sherry was recognized doing that? It COULD be a problem! I don't need more problems in my life!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 04-11-2012 at 12:58 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Audrey Michelle's SO
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    Awww. Pocket Sandwich Theater. I have had some good times there! Since I was a "hag" in my younger day, I was always at the Village and never went into Sue Ellen's. Is the chinese restaurant still next door? They had GOOD egg fu young. Anywho....

    All of the places that you have mentioned are VERY open and urban. Usually with more money and youth comes more acceptance. Basically, the feel of the trendy Dallas area is moving north and has been with rapid speed for some time. You don't even notice the transition between Addison and Downtown anymore. The areas are so connected and intertwined. It is so easy to blend here. Acceptance is easier. I love my fair city, I have lived here most of my life. Cows or No Cows, I wonder if the TG community is equally comfortable in the Ft Worth area? I have never been there with anyone TG (except for with my husband in drab, so that doesn't count), so I can't judge the feel of it. Where as in Dallas I have been all over the dang place with Drag Queens and dainty little gays and they were never uncomfortable. Yes, I DO know the difference between a drag queen and a crossdresser!! LOL! (I am proud of your daughter, btw!)

    PS - I would love some information about the CD community in the area, just to hold on to if my husband decides that he would like to look into it. Thank you!

  17. #17
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    the excuses are not necessarily the real reasons

    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    Ladies,
    This question is for all of you still in the closet, particularly those that continually post that they are in with the door firmly shut.

    If you have been here for a while you will know that I am anything but in the closet, if you are new, find and read some of my posts.

    So my question is this: What is it that YOU think that makes your situation so very different than mine? (and others like me)

    I heard all the time about how no one would accept them, yet I am out to everyone, wife, kids, friends. Not just 2 or 3 people, but around 30. NONE of them have any issues with it. they are all different ages, and from diverse backgrounds. So Why will all the people in your lives be so different?

    I also hear, "I live in a very CD unfriendly place". Yet I live in the land of the Bible belt, Conservative, republican strong hold. Hell when I go mountain biking sometimes the trail is blocked by secret service because George W. Bush has decided to ride that trail today. Yes he lives here. But I go out on the town , Dallas, with my CD friends and we are happily accepted everywhere we go, and we go everywhere. So What makes your city/town so different?

    Yes, I know I will get beat up over this one, but I'm used to it by now!
    Some reasons, Jess, aren't exactly the real reasons but the phrase that is easiest to write. It may NOT explain the deepest feelings of someone, but if they say, "CD unfriendly place" it works as an excuse because it could be true and it is one that is easily acceptable to many readers.

    Lets switch to musicians and artists or actors even for a minute. There are many gifted amateur musicians and artists and actors who do what they do for the love of it, and not for the notoriety. They simply love to play or paint or appear in local theater. They don't want the hassles of being a professional, and also have other interests in life. They likely get the same kind of question. Why don't you want to do this for a living? Your are so good (passable....) It is a choice that some people make, and it can be equally apply to crossdressers. They are not interested in strutting their stuff in public. And, IMHO, dressing has no real connection with feelings of femininity, anymore that we would expect Einstein to dress in a tuxedo just because he was a brilliant physicist. Perhaps the problem is that those two ideas have become connected when we know that there are dressers who do it only for pleasure--or exhibitionism or many other reasons.
    Those who combine their femme feelings with dress and get out should be fine with their acceptance of folks who simply want to stay home and enjoy the aura of the moment in the confines of their home. Pushing--whether it is in a line--or on the forum --is decidedly unfriendly. I think everyone enjoys the thrills of those who go out vicariously, but it should work both ways. You should enjoy the tales of those who stay home, firmly, or not so firmly, in their "closets".

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    I also hear, "I live in a very CD unfriendly place". Yet I live in the land of the Bible belt, Conservative, republican strong hold.
    Jess: I think there are places where it is "extremely CD unfriendly". I'm pretty sure I live in one. And, most of us aren't nearly as passable as you. Don't start, because in your pics, you look pretty darn good.

  19. #19
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Jess I've said it before but you seem to be an exception with people greeting you as a CD with open arms. I see so many CDer's here taking a beating for coming out when they don't need to.

    I live in a transphobic city. It is a blue collar car factory lunch bucket city. The girls I have been in contact with will not CD here under any circumstances since they don't feel safe. The shrink I came out to over pain and meds issues from a work injury asked me the same question. "do you go out in public here"? My answer was no. I asked him if he had any other TG patients (it's not his expertise btw) he said 4 others. He also told me one moved out of the city because she did not feel safe. That was enough confirmation for me. So I travel out of town myself.

    BUT if I was transsexual or living 24/7 as a woman I would move to a new neighborhood and at least try it here. That would make me at least attempt it.

  20. #20
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    I dress for the peace and tranquility it brings me. CDing is a stress reliever. It is not stressful to CD in the confines of one's own home or backyard or take that secluded walk in the dark. Am I, who is six foot/200 pounds, to don a dress and heels and strut through the neighborhood? To what end? To bring a limitation to involvement with family and friends? A comment above said it all. The comments made behind your back are not the same comments made to your face. I've run into some really bigoted comments because a person, based on a long term friendly relationship, thinks you wallow in the same filthy and disgusting thoughts they have.

    Yes, I'm in a DADT relationship with my wife. We weathered the storms. Am I to submit myself to the storms and cold fronts that will arrive because I think everything is really cool with wearing a dress and heels? I'd rather not trade all my relationships for one or two CDer friends, who may appear in the future.

  21. #21
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    Jess, I wish I had your courage. I hope some day to go out in public without ant fear.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Ally 2112's Avatar
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    I think it is a fair question Jess .Over the past 5 years i have come more to acceppt myself which means i have come farther out of the closet .As i posted awhile back i did venture out one night (but have not since) .
    Saying this im kinda in the same position as Marleena. Im sure i live in the same region and my city is pretty much the same so i am careful what i do and say

    If i do shop it is usually way out of town in a bigger center as there are absoloutly no cd or tg friendly places in my redneck area of the woods anyhoo jusy my story lol
    I have a hubcap diamond star halo

  23. #23
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    I don't think I would be making the kinda of money I do make when I am working should I come out of the closet. Highway construction is rough the way it is for the straight and narrow minded people.
    I do enjoy dressing and going out for drives and have gone out shopping in drab attire but under-dressed as a woman with some makeup on. One of these days I may say the h*ll with it and go out completely dressed.
    When that times comes I will let everybody know that I enjoy dressing as a woman and should I lose my friends and family then they really weren't worth having anyway.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member JessHaust's Avatar
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    So far all fair and honest responses.
    But to the comments that people will be nice to your face, then talk bad about you behind your back, Yes of course, but this is by no means limited to cross dressing.
    If you think you are preventing some people from talking bad about you behind your back by only presenting a male form, you are sadly mistaken.
    The kind of people who act that way will find something to talk about, so I say might as well make it a doosey!
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  25. #25
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JessHaust View Post
    So far all fair and honest responses.
    But to the comments that people will be nice to your face, then talk bad about you behind your back, Yes of course, but this is by no means limited to cross dressing.
    If you think you are preventing some people from talking bad about you behind your back by only presenting a male form, you are sadly mistaken.
    The kind of people who act that way will find something to talk about, so I say might as well make it a doosey!


    Agreed... Let's give them something to talk about.

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