Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 42

Thread: The time has come put up or shut up

  1. #1
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    South NJ
    Posts
    1,020

    The time has come put up or shut up

    I've been cross-dressing my whole life. Some may know I'm going through a divorce my wife says because I want to become a woman. I went to counseling like three times dressed as Denise and now my HRT prescriptions are at the pharmacy. Estradiol /testosterone blockers. I am so scared because I know my whole life will be turned upside down so I think I'm going to give it a couple months and see how I feel. And I can always decide to stop. This is a stressful decision and I'm only attracted to women but I hear your attractions could change while on estrogen. Wish me luck

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    San Francisco Area
    Posts
    11,686
    Allie

    Been there done that! You need to go at your own pace and see how it all works out for you. Since your are currently going through a divorce too, your emotions, feelings and mind will be all over tha place, all that combined with everyday stuff and issues. Keep in close touch with your doctor and your therapist because you may need some extra and special assistance during these trying moments.

    Congratulations on starting HRT. I marked the day as PDay, the day I put my first estradiol patch on my butt! It also happened to be my birthday. Now I can never forget that date. Good luck and try to enjpoy the hormonal ride.

    Hugs,

    Allie

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    734
    Denise I'm right in the middle of the maelstrom myself at the moment. Wife wants a divorce, etc. etc. The atmosphere at home is terrible. And we're stuck like this because of the lock-down. And I might be getting screwed over financially as well. Oh well as long as I have enough to put a roof over my head, food on my table and gas in my car. The only positive I can say at the moment is that the HRT is helping me feel WAY better physically. And to an extent mentally but being told you're despicable, having her walk out of a room where she was sitting just because I walk in to make myself a sandwich for lunch, and the occasional histrionics and "I don't want to drag up the past", whereupon she does just exactly that... it's starting to take a mental toll. I've moved a bed into my study, and sleep there. I'm essentially living like a monk; fortunately I've lived in a monastery before so I can adapt to that. Except in a monastery there's no hostility when you leave your cell.

    As for same/opposite sex attractions, I can't say for sure over the long haul, but after 2 months with already noticeable physical effects, my orientation remains firmly towards women. I must be crazy, reducing my dating pool from like 50% of the population to the approximately 0.00000001% of women attracted to trans women. However, at this point in my life, friendships, not relationships (other that as parent to my kids) is what I am looking for.

    Good luck to you, take it one step at a time and try to find some zen from time to time.

    I agree with Allie on the therapist. I use Zoom these days for our sessions.
    Last edited by JeanTG; 05-04-2020 at 05:53 PM.

  4. #4
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    South NJ
    Posts
    1,020
    Well I just picked up the scripts and I took my first two about 20 minutes ago. After I did I marked the calendar :: Denise's Birthday May 4th, 2020. Yeah I went through verbal abuse for years. And like the submissive I am I took it and after she called me every name in the book I go out and pick her up something to eat. I've been living on my own for the past 10 months.for a while I was having my nails done every day long painted fingernails and pedicures. As of late I just wasn't feeling it. Hopefully I get back in that feminine mood. A girl I knew from my past text me last night and said Denise are you okay. Just hearing those words was like OMG I kind of told her I thought I was trans, but she said she needed time to take it all in. I guess let the journey begin. I'm just hoping the estradiol calms me down a bit.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    8,606
    Hi, Denise! You acknowledge that you are a crossdresser your whole life! The soon to be ex-wife says you want to become a woman! The question is what do you say you want to be? Does your counselor think you want to be a woman? HRT by itself does not make you a woman! Get in touch with yourself and see where you want to go with this! Do not be scared about the HRT, sit back and enjoy it! Give it at least 3 months then go from there! You will probably still only be attracted to women with the HRT! I wish you luck and strength and enjoyment! Be strong and be you-whatever that may be! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Lana,
    Very wise words , deciding what you really want to be and the fact HRT (hormones) don't make you a woman . Also good advice about the waiting time , I now appreciate how time helps find a balance .

    Denise ,
    I've now lived alone for just over two years , sometimes I do have to give myself a kick up the rear end to make an effort , I've never let the shaving go , I accept the daily routine is my lot to endure or enjoy whichever way you choose to see it , but nails do get a hammering and I've let them slip a little but then that's really like many GGs living their life everyday .

    The question of wanting or achieveing to be a woman is answered now by saying I'm Teresa , the World now knows that , whatever the people in it see me as I'm OK , comfortable and happy with it .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-05-2020 at 09:10 AM.

  7. #7
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,640
    Hi Denise... Lana is right. Teresa is right... great advice coming from real experience...

    Make sure as you assess your situation and that you are focused on all the right reasons.
    those "right reasons" are what will give you strength and resolve if your short term experience is not feeling good to you.
    It is not a right reason to be reactive to your wife or what anybody else says.
    It is not a right reason to get back into the manicure pedicure mood again.

    Im not saying its not fun and can be a feminine feeling, im saying that cant be a reason.. craving that feeling is not being a woman. Dont let anybody tell you different.

    Somtimes its hard I found the most constructive thing for me in therapy was identifying and noticing my thought patterns. Its hard to get to your own inner true feelings and your trusted inner voice
    Im not convinced by your words that we are hearing from that voice.

    I am NOT saying what you are gender wise.. Im saying make sure its you doing the talking

    You are a good person and you have every right to feel how you want to feel, and do what you want to do.
    I can tell you are thinking this through.
    I think its a good thing to be cautious.
    What I hope you are doing is really relying on your own feelings and not letting outside influences push you in any direction..
    Maybe Im wrong but I feel alot of outside influence.

    Personally I think its all there for you.
    Don't change anything you are doing.
    I think you do understand yourself pretty well but you are letting too many people into your decision, and letting too many irrelevant data points into your decision.

    I think that there is lots swirling around you right now and its causing you alot of stress and that is a really big deal for many of us that go thru this and it an easy to forget that the whole point is just to be ok and experience your gender authentically

    Its going to be a really cool thing if you continue to do HRT.
    In my experience there is a real effect and there is a placebo effect. Its the placebo effect of "just knowing that its right" that can be so helpful.

    Its like you know its right and you never ever ever think again of it being any other way. Its a comfort. or it goes the other way, and the experience of less sex drive and painful erections, unexpected powerful emotions, no breast growth (admit girls we ALL WANTED THAT!!!) becomes a burden..or you feel like your experience is different that others.. maybe you get more sex drive or no emotions..and once again you "just know" its not right for you.. Do you think what im saying is something that is encouraging or discouraging??

    there are also other things you can do... what is your job situation?? do you have time for yourself every day?? do you have days off?? have you considered basically waking up, living and being a woman all day every day or 100 percent of the time that you can??
    Will this impact your job situation?? will this impact your income...its not fair but it happens alot to us.. even in 2020 we are not always treated great in the workplace.

    cuz that's what it really is... every day... its just your normal gender... its routine... you go to the market, the movies, the 7-11...whatever you do every day, do it as your self.... wear your wig all day...see what its like to shave twice a day and look at your appearance all day...
    Doing that would be huge for you ...

    Keep posting...let us know what you think.. people are here to support and yes we are just rando's on the internet but im sure you can tell that lots of us are here to support you.
    I am real

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    734
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    Yeah I went through verbal abuse for years. And like the submissive I am I took it and after she called me every name in the book I go out and pick her up something to eat.
    Sounds like me. I'm the first up in the morning as I'm a morning girl, and I still make her tea every morning, even after calling me despicable the night before.

    I can understand Lana Mae and Teresa saying to make sure you're transitioning for the right reasons, i.e. for *yourself*. Before I came out to my wife that I wanted to transition, she sent me an angry e-mail urging me to put my "big girl pants" on, and transition. Fortunately the notion of transitioning didn't come from her e-mail, I had been considering it for a few years beforehand and working with a therapist as well for a full two years. But previously, I thought if I did, I had too much to lose including my wife. But then when it became clear that she would leave anyway, I figured "what have I got to lose now?" and decided to transition; I fully intend to make the best of my minimum one-year "real-life experience". If it shows that transition is wrong for me (again with the help of a therapist), I won't; but right now I'm confident it's the right decision.

    I have found that HRT has taken the edge and sense of urgency off. Yes there are strong effects, both placebo and physical but gone is the urge to doll up every day; most days I'm content in a pair of jeans, no makeup, no wig (bonnet instead due to my baldness), and an ordinary woman's shirt. Within a few weeks of HRT my virility was gone, both desire and ability. Which is good as it was a distraction. Now I find confinement an excellent time to really really assess if I'm doing this for the "right" reasons, i.e. an innate sense that I am a woman. With the help of a therapist of course (thank God for the Internet and Zoom). And also an excellent time to assess and integrate the impact of HRT. I agree with Theresa the HRT doesn't make you a woman. But it sure as heck made me feel 1000x better. Regardless of what happens in the future, two things seem certain: HRT stays, either as a physical aid to transition, or as simply a quality-of-life enhancing medication. And the second: my wife has burned her bridges with me now. It would take a miracle for me to agree to stay. I've taken a lot of abuse and now, no more.

  9. #9
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    South NJ
    Posts
    1,020
    Kaitlyn, all I got to say is that was intense. Reading your post is like looking at a glass of water. Some might say it's half full and some might say it's half empty.. I'm out of work for a reason that's kind of strange . yes I'm collecting a pension from the federal government , about 1600 a month and in two weeks I could have signed up for social security but I didn't yet. My job is still pay me administrative leave so I've been getting a full paycheck for the past 9 weeks. And Jean, I feel you. Yeah I also have to wear wig at all times when presenting as female due to my lack of.. My wife calls me Sunday and asked me if I could fix the riding mower.she went in to tallgrass and stalled the blades while the motor kept running and it burnt the belt up. Yeah she's living in the house that I paid for and it's worth 250,000as a matter fact I got to pay the taxes of $1865 today I've been paying her car insurance trash pick up internet service homeowners insurance and property taxes for the past 10 months. Our home is.sitting on two and a half acres. She don't want to sell the house she wants to keep it give me $53,000. And she won't hit the rest of my 401k orca weigh after my pension. I really didn't want to see her today but she came home while I was there working on the mower and said that she's going to go see her lawyer today. I didn't tell her I started HRT she don't need to know that.after I fixed the mower I cut the back yard and I weed whacked everything for her. Talk about being submissive yeah I am, actually did it cuz I've been so bored lately. I read all comments and appreciate all opinions. One thing I'm afraid of I like to drag race cars, I'd be horrified taking off my helmet and the wig came with it in front of other people. I know it sounds stupid but thoughts like that run through my mind..

  10. #10
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    8,606
    Denise, I know about the wig getting knocked off thing! I tried at first to use a crossbody bag but kept getting embarassed when I kept knocking my wig cockeyed! LOL hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  11. #11
    Member Anne K's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    SW Florida
    Posts
    435
    Hang in there, Denise. Give the HRT a chance to work it's magic. For me, HRT completely eliminated my libido and I like it! No longer does that Testosterone driven devil reside in my head. I'm at peace and never think about sex. I do enjoy a handsome man or attractive woman, but it's like appreciating a nice piece of art. Having a bit of a problem with my wife, but we're working through it. I think I'm SO fortunate to have such an excepting partner. BTW, she is a mental health therapist.....

  12. #12
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Denise ,
    Don't want to get in too deep with the legalities but surely your wife is on a sticky wicket with demanding to stay in the current home when you've done most of the financial side of it .

    I don't find the wig a problem , in fact it feels odd without it now , it is a monofilament so it's very breathable and so light to wear , I hate the thought and sight without it .

    I had a funny incident when trying on a fitted top , the SA was with me in the cubicle to give me a hand , as I was pulling it back over my head she was gently pulling while I held my arms up , I felt the wig coming off inside the top but could do nothing about it . She then looked at me and smiled and then retrieved the wig from inside the top , I gently placed it back on saying , " Now you know what the guy looks like !" She just hugged me and told me it wasn't a problem .

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Posts
    734
    Anne K, I agree, it almost seems as if testosterone is a toxin for me. My libido crashed in about 2 weeks of starting HRT and it's pretty much non-existent now. A taste of a freedom I never know could exist.

  14. #14
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Utah, north of West Jordan, south of North Salt Lake & west of South Salt Lake
    Posts
    3,832
    Denise,

    I've maintained a journal for several years where I've recorded both my thoughts and daily activities. Just over 20 months ago I started hormones and it's obvious from that journal that I've calmed down a lot. I can't claim it is because of the hormones directly or because I made the decision to finally move off of square one where I had been spinning and spinning and spinning for a very long time. What I do know is I've had several legitimate opportunities to stop this course of action knowing both positive and negative consequences of that choice. I would have the data and the information I needed to make my choices. You deserve the chance to collect that data for yourself and get out of the spin cycle. Try to relax and let things happen to your mind and body as the hormones begin to have their effect. Let your life center on you making decisions that make sense to you and or your future happiness. In a few months the Doctor will ask you if you want to continue and you can decide then if you feel better or worse. It's not the only path for you to follow and may or may not be the best, but it's an opportunity to learn and grow comfortable as you give this path a real chance.

    Take a breath, understand you have time and the commitment you've made isn't a life sentence. Take care of yourself because you have earned that.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  15. #15
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,640
    Denise

    Nothing you are saying is "sounding stupid". Thanks for reading and thinking about my post. and you are smart to keep planning and have a good and realistic view of where you are

    Im rooting for you. the issues you bring up are real.

    In fact, what I believe is that those are the "real" issues. So many times we are focused on feelings and how we are treated, who supports us and who doesnt? do I pass or not??

    those are all real things but they are actually in our control if we are confident and assured of who we are..

    the rubber meets the road tho with $$ and health and the day to day grind of wrestling with our past and wrestling with the time and energy spent with the mirror and everything many of us do to satisfy the outward facing part of trying to live as a woman..
    I am real

  16. #16
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Banning, east of Los Angeles.
    Posts
    2,571
    I think that everybody's opinion has completed a pretty good advise for Denise and now you don't feel alone
    Many here had been where you're now buy not exactly so nothings is black and white.
    Two things I want to comment: first,we all agree that libido goes off or almost completely off as a side effect of spiro or the t-blocker you're talking but that's not completely true. The libido men feel is shutt off but not the enjoyment or sexual pleasure.
    Let me explain myself, men are mostly testosterone, that mo es their world and I love saying that they don't use the upper head or brain but just the little head down there, so when the testosterone is block now we have no sexual drive, that's no correct, the drive is different because we can still experiencing pleasure with sex in different ways, the problem is bigger if we don't get what I women is the sexual drive main component, I would say the testosterone for women, progesterone.
    Progesterone, no deep talking is the female hormone related with pregnancy and everything related to including the sexual desire.
    I, like many of you, got my libido killed completely during g two years on HRT ut in theast 3 or 4 months taking progesterone, several things had been added and one is the sexual desire but not I the male's way. If wasn't for that how women would enjoy sex? They enjoy it but more emotionally than physically as men do.
    Second, please don't project your fears to the future as todo e things, you said at the beginning of this thread
    "I'm going through a divorce" but later you said your wife told you she's going to se a lawyer, so no divorce yet.
    You said " I am so scared because I know my whole life will be turned upside down so I think I'm going to give it a couple months and see how I feel", exactly at week 8 so 2 months on HRT I got in panicking and quit from HRT but pretty soon I realize I can't, I can't go back, since then I have no regrets at all, may be the only is to have known earlier what I know now. Not everything will necessarily upside down and if it is it will probably be for good.
    Mho.

    Devi
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
    Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
    Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
    Breast augmentation surgery 012022
    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  17. #17
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    4,410
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I hear your attractions could change while on estrogen.
    This is not true.

  18. #18
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    San Francisco Area
    Posts
    11,686
    Yes, ir is Roberta, for some. What happens is that once one gives themselves the freedom to explore this transgender side of them, they also, sometimes, give themselves the freedom to explore their attraction for the same sex, not gender. They also may want to explore the further reaches of BDSM is some way. This is mental and not hormonal. I know a lot just like that and now it does not surprise me anymore when someone talks about it. I used to believe just like you.

  19. #19
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,640
    Allie is right. Sexuality can be repressed and confusing for a transwoman living as a man.

    It may not be technically that your sexuality changes but it evolves with reality. its nothing to fear or worry about its just becoming authentic
    I am real

  20. #20
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    South NJ
    Posts
    1,020
    I hav'nt seen these pics in years.
    2012 Las Vegas, Glamour Boutique, I had a make over. I went back to Planet Hollywood Casino like this. It was my first time out fully dressed other Than Halloween. I felt so good as a woman that evening. Then my wife calls and says, I'm hungry I want to go to PF Changs, where you at. I said playing slots. I then said can I come like this. She said NO! go up to the room and take that crap off. I was sad, I felt like woman more than ever before. Thanks for all the input , I joined a YOGA group on ZOOM and I know 2 girls in there. I put on my black leggings and a fem sleeveless top. It felt good being there like one of the girls

    I was 50 lbs heavier then..
    Attached Images Attached Images

  21. #21
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    Denise,
    How I hate that tone of voice , " Go and take that crap off !" It begs the question would you ever say that to your wife /partner ? Not accepting is pure cruelty at times , you don't exist as a woman in my eyes only a man .

    Sexuality and gender really is a tangled web at times , I had to explain it to my neighbours only today , presenting as a woman does not mean you're gay but for a TS it's more shades of grey than black and white . Twice today I've been asked why I'm not attrcted to men , maybe I should look at that from a different angle as on both occcasions it was asked by men, so could the attrction be the other way round ?

  22. #22
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Banning, east of Los Angeles.
    Posts
    2,571
    Quote Originally Posted by Robertacd View Post
    This is not true.
    Roberta, What is your source to answer so enfatice? How long have you been on hrt?
    If you're right, I'm crazy, my hrt treatment is fake, my therapist, transgender as well, knows nothing, or what?
    HRT 042018; Full time 032019
    Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
    Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
    Breast augmentation surgery 012022
    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  23. #23
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    2,749
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I'm only attracted to women but I hear your attractions could change while on estrogen.
    Do you want your "attractions" to change?

    Before I transitioned I only ever dated women. I wasn't into guys in the sense that I saw guys that I was attracted to like I do now. The first guy I was really attracted to was a roommate in my late twenties.
    I have, however, always imagine myself as a female with a guy when fantasizing about sex. One I decided to transition I gave myself permission to be attracted to to real men. I never look at women in a sexual way anymore. Since I transitioned 9 years ago I've dated three guys the last of which I married.

    I was married to a woman before I started to transition, it was a total ****ing disaster! I can not for the life of understand what I saw in her. we have 2 kids together so Have to interact with her occasionally but its always a good reminder of why I could never be with woman again.
    Last edited by Aprilrain; 05-10-2020 at 12:29 AM.

  24. #24
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,082
    April,
    No matter how good or bad the relationship with wives I still consider I'm one of the lucky ones having kids , hard as it was I would never trade a single day for not having them , the bonus is now I have grandchildren . I may not be as close to them now but watching them grow still feels good .

    The number of same sex famillies is growing and they derive as much pleasure . I'm glad you found your Mr. right eventually .

  25. #25
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    South NJ
    Posts
    1,020
    I'm not sure if I want my attraction to change I've always been attracted to pretty women my whole life. When I look at a guy I don't get all tingly and weak in the knees. Although I didn't have sex with many girls over the years we always became friends first . I kind of felt a failure as a man. I was with my wife for over 30 ,many were toxic I've been the submissive one my whole life, and if I stay the course on HRT I'm just wondering what my future will bring. I'm so used to pleasing and doing for others like a caregiver.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State