The past few days I have been having some doubts about being trans. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m trans but I still have some lingering doubts.
I no longer feel suicidal. I went to my AA meeting last Friday, presenting as male, and I had a good time. I didn’t feel any major disconnect. I didn’t feel male or enjoy being male, but I just felt okay. I just had a good time at the AA meeting and fellowship afterwards. Kind of what an AA meeting was like two 2-3 years ago before my GD went on steroids.
I haven’t had too many nervous breakdowns over gender lately. Except for last Friday before my AA meeting, I bumped into my neighbor and we were talking for about a half hour. She said a couple of things about male/female differences that triggered a brief gender disconnect, but I got over it in 20 minutes. She’s always mentioning male/female differences and her comments have triggered GD in the past, but this was my first time seeing her in months.
After I got home from my AA meeting I started thinking what if I’m just deluding myself? What if this is all just some CD fantasy? What if the real problem was being pressured into dating and marriage by the psychic? What if I really just would be happier being alone? What if I’m just running away from responsibilities of marriage and kids? Maybe I just need more AA meetings?
I’ve been having these weird thoughts the past several days. A few more things.
On this past Saturday, I bought my first epilator.
On this coming Wednesday, I have my first appointment with a gender specialist.
On Thursday, I am going for a full body wax (below the neck).
On Friday, I am planning on going to my TG support group presenting as female.
I still have “indirect dysphoria” symptoms – the depression and anxiety.
So, what is going on here? Why am I feeling this? Has anyone else ever felt this way before starting transition or HRT?
Any MTF TS or MTF who is questioning your gender may answer. Please feel free to answer whether you have started/completed transition or not yet started transition or are not sure of your gender.