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Thread: Milestone...first real date with a guy...

  1. #1
    Coda...
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    Red face Milestone...first real date with a guy...

    I've met and had drinks/dinners with a few people from OKCupid with limited success. But Wed I had a real date. It was so nice to be...normal. The issue of trans never came up. Drinks, dinner, a movie in a suite at the theatre, coffee. It was so nice to walk around downtown at night with his arm around my waist or holding hands. Got a lovely hand massage and some arm caressing during the movie, and a goodnight kiss. He's a cute guy with a great sense of humor and works in film, we talked and laughed all night. He may or may not be the one, I must find a way to tell him before we become intimate. I dread that. But for now I made a real connection.

    On a similar note...I've grown so much on this site. A few years ago I was even to embarrassed to even pick up a copy of "TransAmerica". Now the time is nearing for me to leave the nest...

  2. #2
    I'm a beauty killer! GirlyBits's Avatar
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    I am squealing for you on the inside right now! That sounds amazing! I hope you get more!
    Boys Boys Boys! We like boys in cars!
    Boys Boys Boys! Buy us drinks in bars!
    Boys Boys Boys! With hairspray and denim!
    And Boys Boys Boys! We love them! We love them!

  3. #3
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    Zenith,
    Wow, it sounds like you two had a great time. Isn't it great to be treated as the woman that you are. Good luck with your second date. By the way, what outfit did you wear and how did you do your hair and makeup? Leanne

  4. #4
    Just Saying Hi Traci Elizabeth's Avatar
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    You surely deserve all the love a man can give. Congrats! He may or may not be the one but either way have fun and enjoy the moment!

    BTW, do you feel compelled to tell him?


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  5. #5
    Senior Member pamela_a's Avatar
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    That's wonderful Julie. I'm so happy for you. Enjoy the ride as long as you can.

    I'd like to follow on Traci's question. You're post op and just like any other woman. Aside from the "honesty" answer, what do you believe telling him will accomplish?
    "Willfully turning aside from the truth is treason to one's self." - Wizard's Tenth Rule:
    "Life is the future, not the past." - Wizard's Seventh Rule
    "Deserve victory." - Wizard's Eighth Rule
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  6. #6
    Fearlessly Independent RebeccaLynne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    It was so nice to be...normal. The issue of trans never came up.
    So you didn't tell him you're not what you appear to be?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith
    He's a cute guy with a great sense of humor and works in film, we talked and laughed all night. He may or may not be the one, I must find a way to tell him before we become intimate. I dread that. But for now I made a real connection.
    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ. Send him a text, e-mail, or call him. He deserves to know the truth before seeing you again. He showed you a good time; reciprocate honestly.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you didn't tell him you're not what you appear to be?



    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ. Send him a text, e-mail, or call him. He deserves to know the truth before seeing you again. He showed you a good time; reciprocate honestly.
    Hun I'm a post-op. I "appear to be" a woman and I have a vagina. It's really no one's business until intimacy comes up, and some believe not even then. I'm a woman and a defect was fixed.

  8. #8
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    I don't agree that you need to tell at this early stage. You will have to at some point, of course, but on the first date? I don't think so.

    Before sexual relations? Probably a good idea. But until then? Just have fun.

    S

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Sorry Julie. you may be post op but you were always a woman

    I am delighted you are getting out and taking the path that is right for you

    It seems you have made a great start to the latest chapter in your life

    Good luck looking for mr right
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ. Send him a text, e-mail, or call him. He deserves to know the truth before seeing you again. He showed you a good time; reciprocate honestly.
    Wow! That is amazingly transphobic! So, if a trans woman does not divulge her secret right away she is seen as deceiving, but, on the other hand, if she announces it right away she will be seen as pretending to be a woman. It is a no win situation either way. What is the point of telling? So that the guy can back out from a perceived gay relationship? Dating and relationships are tricky no matter how interesting the past may be for either person. Why would a connection not be real? what if the guy went to prison and has not told Julie yet? Will he have deceived her?

    As a trans woman who lives stealth and enjoys all the cis-privileges of a regular woman, I can assure you that dating men is quite complex. Telling or not, and at what time is not cut and dried. Some never do.
    Last edited by Frances; 05-06-2011 at 06:11 PM.
    It's Frances with an E, like Frances Farmer. Francis is a man's name.

  11. #11
    The former Melissa I Michelle I's Avatar
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    Julie:

    You are a woman. You always have been a woman. Like you said you only had to have surgery to correct a birth defect.

  12. #12
    That's right, I did it Sharon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you didn't tell him you're not what you appear to be?
    She IS what she appears to be!

    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ. Send him a text, e-mail, or call him. He deserves to know the truth before seeing you again. He showed you a good time; reciprocate honestly.
    Deception? No, not at all because Zenith is a female!. If the relationship builds to a point where it's time to divulge those secrets meant to only be known by a select few then it is her decision when and how to tell him.

    By the way, I'm truly happy you had such a nice time, Julie!
    Last edited by Sharon; 05-06-2011 at 05:30 PM.
    “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
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  13. #13
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    Now the time is nearing for me to leave the nest...

    NO!!!!!!! We would miss our favorite squirrel! But we know that time will come.

    So happy for you, you are an inspiration. Sounds like you have him enthralled.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  14. #14
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Wow, I feel all giddy for you! you go girl! I have to agree with the others that Julie IS a woman and it's up to her to decide when if ever she wants to divulge such information.
    I find it frustrating that If I pass I am "deceiving" people but if I don't then I'm some poor pathetic man in a dress. The fact is people see what they want to see It is YOU not ME that determines my gender in YOUR head.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    Hun I'm a post-op. I "appear to be" a woman and I have a vagina. It's really no one's business until intimacy comes up, and some believe not even then. I'm a woman and a defect was fixed.
    Zenith I agree totally & I see your point, its your prerogative if & when you choose to tell him. My only concern for you right
    now is that I hope you don't invest too much of yourself emotionally, especially at these early stages or you might end up hurt
    again. But hopefully you are a lot wiser now after your previous disappointments. I think when the time comes to tell him that
    you need to explain to him that you were born with a gender defect & gender identity disorder. because I think this way it can
    be understood & accepted a lot better. But still I wouldn't tell him anything either at these early stages. I don't think its even
    necessary to tell him if you are dating & having sex. Maybe only tell him if the relationship was getting really serious where he
    wants to get married & have kids.
    Goodluck & I hope it all keeps going well.

  16. #16
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    I'm really happy for you Zenith. It couldn't happen to a nicer person. I wouldn't worry about telling him anything until you are sure he's the one to be trusted. Have fun and be safe, and don't forget us here.

  17. #17
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I'm glad you had fun Julie

    Good luck!

    This point about deception is a very sad thing about being TS.....in the end, there is probably a time that you will have to say to a person that your past is different.. and it's not that it's simply different, it's different in such a way that someone you care about may actually be disgusted by you, or that they may feel lied too and/or hurt...ugh!..in rare cases you may find that you become a victim of violence!!!!!
    it's just a sad thing.... for me, i just try my best to forget about it...and i don't really date, and this is probably why...

  18. #18
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    I am so happy for you Julie.
    Be sure to read chapter 5 of the operating instructions before you use it the first time . I agree with Miranda, there is no need to say anything until you are sure he is the one.

  19. #19
    Member Felicity71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you didn't tell him you're not what you appear to be?



    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ. Send him a text, e-mail, or call him. He deserves to know the truth before seeing you again. He showed you a good time; reciprocate honestly.
    What a slimey comment. She has every right to be who she is now. She is what she is - woman. She may want to tell him her past in the future, but her present status is purely woman.
    ... [SIZE="2"]One perfect day[/SIZE]

  20. #20
    Just A Simple Girl Michelle.M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ.
    You should be ashamed of yourself for making such a cruel remark.
    I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back keep me here to wait for me so I don't go back out and miss myself when I return.

  21. #21
    Fearlessly Independent RebeccaLynne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zenith View Post
    Hun I'm a post-op. I "appear to be" a woman and I have a vagina. It's really no one's business until intimacy comes up, and some believe not even then. I'm a woman and a defect was fixed.
    Partially. You've been surgically transformed into what "appears to be a woman". Yet you possess neither ovaries nor a uterus, making you unable to bear children. So do you wait to tell him until he expresses the desire to raise a family?

    Quote Originally Posted by Frances View Post
    Wow! That is amazingly transphobic! So, if a trans woman does not divulge her secret right away she is seen as deceiving, but, on the other hand, if she announces it right away she will be seen as pretending to be a woman. It is a no win situation either way. What is the point of telling? So that the guy can back out from a perceived gay relationship? Dating and relationships are tricky no matter how interesting the past may be for either person. Why would a connection not be real? what if the guy went to prison and has not told Julie yet? Will he have deceived her?
    I'm certainly not transphobic. I'm a realist. The point of telling is honesty. If he'd been to prison, it wouldn't preclude him from fathering children. So your point is irrelevant.

    Quote Originally Posted by Frances
    As a trans woman who lives stealth and enjoys all the cis-privileges of a regular woman, I can assure you that dating men is quite complex. Telling or not, and at what time is not cut and dried. Some never do.
    I'm sure it is. So what do you tell him when he tells you he wants children?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sharon View Post
    She IS what she appears to be!
    Nope.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sharon
    Deception? No, not at all because Zenith is a female!.
    In her outward appearance, and in her own mind; but not physically. She cannot bear children.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sharon
    If the relationship builds to a point where it's time to divulge those secrets meant to only be known by a select few then it is her decision when and how to tell him.
    The sooner, the better. That's my point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Allana71 View Post
    What a slimey comment. She has every right to be who she is now. She is what she is - woman. She may want to tell him her past in the future, but her present status is purely woman.
    I disagree. Read my above responses as to my point of view. If you have a qualifying argument to the contrary, by all means elaborate on your position.

    Otherwise, shut up.

  22. #22
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Julie, congratulations! I'm so happy for you!

    I'm sure you'll know when it is the right the to tell.

    So. I've gotta ask. Who paid for dinner? Believe it or not, I'm dumbfounded by this. I'm in a relationship now and it's comfortable, we take turns. But, the days are long gone when it is taken for granted that a man should pay. Yet there must be some guys out there who would feel insulted should the girl offer to pay on the first date. So how did you navigate this? Was it awkward?
    Reine

  23. #23
    Member Felicity71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    Partially. You've been surgically transformed into what "appears to be a woman". Yet you possess neither ovaries nor a uterus, making you unable to bear children. So do you wait to tell him until he expresses the desire to raise a family?

    I'm certainly not transphobic. I'm a realist. The point of telling is honesty. If he'd been to prison, it wouldn't preclude him from fathering children. So your point is irrelevant.

    I'm sure it is. So what do you tell him when he tells you he wants children?

    In her outward appearance, and in her own mind; but not physically. She cannot bear children.

    I disagree. Read my above responses as to my point of view. If you have a qualifying argument to the contrary, by all means elaborate on your position.

    Otherwise, shut up.
    If thats your argument that due to her not being in possession of ovaries and uterous, that makes her deceptive? By your definition, a huge number of GG women who lack reproductive parts due to birth defects only appear to be women?? They do not need to prove their status anything other than women. Neither does Zenith.

    Anyway the ability to reproduce in this point in time maybe hindered, but that will change in the next 100 years, unless society collapses from an unforeseen disaster.
    Last edited by Felicity71; 05-07-2011 at 01:43 AM. Reason: condensed quote
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  24. #24
    Fearlessly Independent RebeccaLynne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    So you've deceived him. And you feel you've "connected"? I beg to differ.
    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle.Martin View Post
    You should be ashamed of yourself for making such a cruel remark.
    Ashamed? Ridiculous! I tell it like it is, and have every right to. Nothing cruel in my evaluation of, and conclusions drawn from, the original post.

    I'm really annoyed by the sanctimonious "you go, girl" attitude espoused by many here; in your heart and minds, you may be women, but biologically, you're not ... so accept reality.

  25. #25
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    You've been surgically transformed into what "appears to be a woman". Yet you possess neither ovaries nor a uterus, making you unable to bear children. So do you wait to tell him until he expresses the desire to raise a family?
    I take it from that statement that you consider any infdertile woman to only "appear to be a woman", and what about someone who has had to have a hysterectomy. Again by your definition, se is not a woman. Get real.

    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    I'm certainly not transphobic. I'm a realist.
    The common cry of most of your fellow haters.

    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    The point of telling is honesty. If he'd been to prison, it wouldn't preclude him from fathering children. So your point is irrelevant.
    Does this mean that if he was unable to far=ther children you would not consider him to be a man? I think you need to get some professional help to flush this bigotry out of your system.

    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    I'm sure it is. So what do you tell him when he tells you he wants children?
    All that she needs to tell him is that in common with about 1 in seven other women she is unable to have children.

    Quote Originally Posted by RebeccaLynne View Post
    Read my above responses as to my point of view. If you have a qualifying argument to the contrary, by all means elaborate on your position. Otherwise, shut up.
    Your above responses show your point of view very clearly. You consider that anyone who cannot procreate is not a man or not a woman. As to whether our arguments "qualify" - luckily it is not the bigots who get to decide this.
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