How adventurous have you been in your nail color choices? Anything really feminine?!
I kind of like to keep 'em guessing, though it is nice to be completely open with some people. Are you comfortable with her husband and father knowing? Sounds like you will be coming out to them as well...
Do they do wig styling there? You might try to find someone who does, have them style your wig and ask for styling tips.
We have been very adventurous with nail colors... she's quite accomplished and she usually has some cool idea picked out for me in advance... last time she did a dark grey coat with a "custom blend of sparkle" she had prepared for me before I got there... but we've done a range from french nails, deep reds, fun stuff for Valentine's day, st patrick's day, etc. And yeah I assumed her husband and dad would know as well... and I'd be ok with that. I also get my hair cut there and the stylist seems pretty hip too (and slightly younger than the others I work with there) so it would be cool if that worked out too... so for me this is potentially a paradise or bust scenario... but most likely something in between.
The problem with coming out to strangers and acquaintances is that by-and-large, they simply won’t care. If they DO care it’s likely it will be for negative reasons. What exactly do you hope to gain by telling this person?
I guess what it comes down to is I'm hoping for a real friendship? I mean we are "friends" now, but I was hoping for it to be a friendship that would allow me to not hide anything about myself. Maybe it's stupid... but I feel lonely not having anyone that really knows the real me. Obviously my reason for picking her (and presumably other girls at the spa) is that there's already a foundation there, and as some have said, they may suspect (or wouldn't be shocked) anyway. Joining a group would be a HUGE leap for me (i'm largely introverted) - but maybe in the long run that would be more fulfilling... I've been reading about the local tri-ess chapter, and some of it does sound fun to be honest. (I've dreamed about going to Diva Las Vegas, etc before too)Originally Posted by Micki_Finn
VS Fan,
The forum is all about help so I'll see if I can pass some on.
Take the social aspect first , when you find one local to you you may find they will accept you in drab , many do offer dressing arrangements , OK it may be a disabled washroom/toilet but I've had to use one on occasions . They are a great way of finding you're not alone , we calcualtaed that my group has about 25% attendance with wives/partners so you wife would not be alone , I love talking to the GGs in our group . Also we do have a few TSs who are very open and will chat about transition if you have any thoughts on that . We do have some fun , this month is a summer ball so we can all be a little OTT , it's is in a hotel so we do meet tyhe public, if you're not comfortable with that then some groups also have private venues , I also attend one of those which is stiil ggod fun .
The issue of telling people is a tricky one , as is the use of pictures . As you say there are differening thoughts on this . In my own circumstances the more peolple that know the less CDing is a problem , ( a counsellor told me years ago , no secret means no problem !) not entirely true in all cases but we must get over the guilt and shame , we aren't doing anything wrong . Most of us are wired this way at birth , there's nothing we can do about that so we have to come to terms with it . In the past if I was in drab but shopping I often had pictures with me , without them people will get the impression you look stupid trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit and apply makeup like CoCo the clown . My pictures have clearly shown I'm not doing this for fun it's serious , I have to deal with it and can look pretty good in my attempts , SAs have taken me far more seriously and other people have respected that I am TG and come to terms with it .
I was going to say that telling people has not caused a single problem , my children know , my granddaughter has met Teresa but there's is a BUT , because even now I'm separated I have had a huge stack with my wife over talking to mutual friends . She no longer wishes to see me or talk to me , I had every intention of keeping it amicable but she's just blown up, I guess it was inevitable . I did ask her truly what difference it had made to her life or the friends I spoke to , I answered for her by saying a big fat ZERO . They are still her friends and they still remain mine , many of the fears talked about are false ones , the World has changed so much in a short time , TG isues are openly talked about . It's not until you do open up and talk that you finally discover how many other people are dealing with simliar issues or know someone who is .
You have to come to terms with it and be truthful to yourself , We are born like it and as I've found it's for life so we have to take it on board and hopefully enjoy the feelings and needs we have . It's not all doom and gloom there is a fun and enjoyable side to it and I'm now making the most of it .
I missed the comment about a bad reaction from the nail lady , I have yet to experience anyone who has been offended by being told , one good friend in my art group now in his mid eighties told me he was uneasy about it until I explained what it actually meant . This is another point about talking to people , they have misconceptions of Cding . Some think we are gay , some think we just play silly games and camp it up , the only question I can't truly answer is how much further do I want to go , that is the biggest issue with wives/ partners .
Last edited by Teresa; 07-08-2018 at 10:34 AM.
I have been lucky in that those that do my mani/pedi's (including color) have seen it all, thus know and do not care. they are easy to talk to. The same goes for those that do massage and you have little to fear. Just bring up the topic with a direct question. Do you care? My wife and I get massages every two weeks. Our first mause became a friend, knew all about Alice and totally accepts. She loves to value shop and has bought me blouses that she thought I would like. Our second mause is a daughter in law, but is now a nurse. She also knows and totally accepts. I have used outside mauses and have done so with painted nails and no problems and easily established open communications. I think it would be worth a try and if it works and after several contacts you may open a fulfilling dialogue, which may also open up talking to your wife
THANKS!
Interesting... i have not taken a photo of myself in nearly 8 years... but I see your point here... definitely makes sense. I've never hidden from SAs before, but don't think I've ever outright admitted the stuff was for me.
Lucky for me I guess that my wife knows, and would probably rather die than tell any of her family or friends LOL...
Exactly how I feel... I guess I'm at the point in my life where I am starting to care less about what people think (within boundaries of course, such that my wife is not impacted... although she's ok with the small risk of telling people that are not likely to know her friends or spill the beans in any case.) I've seen too many people in the community, family, etc with cancer, killed in car accidents, etc... life is too short to bottle everything up.
Alice - thanks for the reply - glad to hear that you've not experienced any issues here... I'd say i'm about 70/30 right now in favor of doing this LOL.... but we'll see if i really have the nerve or not. First opportunity might be tomorrow during my pedicure, but it's only about 50% of the time that we're alone during it. Either way, I think i'll fire off an email to the local tri-ess chapter sometime this week and see if they are still going strong.
EDIT: Re: tri-ess chapter... the application form wants your femme name.... except I've never given myself one... d'oh! I'll work on that too i guess....
Joining a local trans group is one of the best things you can do.
It helps you socially and gives you a place to learn from others and make friends that are just like you.
Like you I thought a group was a huge leap of faith and almost didn't do it.
Honestly it was the best thing for me because I learned from others what made me tick.LOL
Didn't need to pay a therapist just having the group worked for me.
Hahah good point Tracii.... I'm not sure my therapist is doing much for me at this point that having a social group wouldn't
EDIT: just emailed the membership coordinator for my chapter..... here goes nothin'!
EDIT 2: Here's a link to the comic that she gave me that i posted in this other thread:
https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...49#post4258149
Last edited by VS Fan; 07-08-2018 at 02:57 PM.
Good call, approaching Tri-Ess. The organization may be a shadow of it's former self, but there are still some active chapters. They provide a very safe and supportive environment for those making their first steps outside, or just looking for company with kindred spirits. The organization's presence has faded, as society has changed. Being a CD is no longer a crime and indeed, not even something that raises eyebrows in many locations. I stay active with the sorority because it's another way for me to give back to the community.Hahah good point Tracii.... I'm not sure my therapist is doing much for me at this point that having a social group wouldn't
EDIT: just emailed the membership coordinator for my chapter..... here goes nothin'!
If you'd like to PM me with chapter you're approaching, I can probably get some insight from some of my chapter sisters. They've been at this far longer than I, one is even a charter member, and seem to know everything about everybody.
VS Fan,
Like everything, the first time is the hardest because we beat ourselfs up. Have your nails painted and as a suggestion, go to a drug store and select and buy the nail color you want. Then take it with you and give it to the person doing your pedi. That way you can avoid going thru the racks, in front of everyone to select a color.
As a side note. I am going in for a mani/pedi next week and for the first time in years I will have no color applied. Not even clear polish. I am going to have a hip replacement and no polish can be on foes and fingers. My surgen has seen my painted nails many times, but is strict on the rules. Imay have to wait for a month or more, but then it will be a bright red
^this. I wouldn't try to expand your customer/service person friendship outside of where she's already interacting with you at her job.
Once you tell one person, they can tell another (you know, someone who swears they can keep a secret, but winds up telling someone else eventually anyway, and you get the shampoo girl phenomenon). Watch the whole thing, then you'll understand. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brC_jK6stBs
Last edited by sometimes_miss; 07-09-2018 at 03:52 PM.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Well... this afternoon was my pedicure and we had a few moments alone at the beginning of my service... and I brought up the cartoon and somehow blurted it all out... she was totally cool about it ... and she actually was worried (when I started talking about the cartoon) that I was going to tell her I was offended by it or something hahah... but in the end I finally stumbled through it, and she was like "oh that's totally cool!" Ultimately she ended up asking all kinds of questions, and we started having fun with it... there was another person getting a manicure in the middle of my service and so we had to talk in "code" for some of it LOL, but we ended up talking about it almost the entire hour I was there. She's excited to hear how my first meeting goes (which should be on the 21st if all goes well.)
Anyway, I told her it was fine to tell her husband or her dad if she thought it was appropriate, but that I didn't mind either way. I'm planning on telling my waxing/facial tech on Wednesday based on today's experience (and she indicated that she thought the other tech would also be totally cool about it.) She was moved by the fact that she's the only other soul that I've ever opened up to about this. I didn't press for anything else, and told her I was grateful for her acceptance and amusement.
I can't thank everyone here enough for the encouragement, and all the "things to consider."
If I can get the nerve up to attend the local Tri-ess meeting on the 21st... this is a huge new chapter for me.
Thanks again all!!
VS Fan (soon to have a femme name LOL, still need to work on that!)
Glad to hear! Best of luck on the 21st...does one dress for a meeting like that?
Maybe I should go to one, let us know please how it goes!!!
It's embarrassing to admit I had to read that comic 3 times to get it. Pretty funny
Hahahah! I don't have to dress they told me, but I figure what the hell... I might as well. I'll definitely report back on my experience
Our chapter has two meetings per month, a non-dressing dinner on Friday evening, and the actual meeting (dressed) the following evening.
VS,
Having read through all the comments I'll add mine.
Firstly she is just as likely to be thinking you're gay as being CD due to the waxing. It's common in that community I believe. Secondly once you've told her you've pretty much exhausted that line of conversation. She certainly can't emphasise that much with you as she's no experience of our trials and tribulations and this is why IMHO those who advocate finding a support/social group are offering the best advice.
It's there that you'll find people who will truly understand your situation. They'll have experienced the same or similar. Plus and this is a biggie, you can go dressed. You're not just talking about it, you're literally walking the walk.
I've only been fortunate enough to attend a small number of social gatherings. It is difficult for me to describe just how wonderfully liberating it is to be able to relate your story to someone else who totally understands and to feel totally at ease with both them and yourself. It was also talking to other CD'ers that inspired me to take my dressing further.
I can remember the huge level of trepidation I felt as I walked into my first meeting. Three minutes later I was sat engaged in conversation feeling totally relaxed.
How can I put this. Meeting and talking things though face to face is like this forum, on steroids! These written words are just so good, the support they offer is immense but 100 words here can't compare to one spoken to a fellow human while looking them in the eye.
Helen - I was lucky in that not only did she not freak out (I told her I was worried about that and she laughed and said "no way!!") - but she eventually decided it was pretty cool and said "oh this is so fun!" when all the little things that I had told her about over the past couple years started to make a little more sense, or more really, discovered new meaning.
Having said that, I totally agree that the support group is a good idea also relative to finding understanding. I've been on this board here for nearly 9 years and have read so many stories that I realize i'm not alone by a long stretch. That alone has allowed me to accept myself for what I am and learn to enjoy it (with the help of my wonderful wife's understanding and tolerance, naturally.) But that said, I hope that my first meeting goes like yours did - and I am looking fwd to it!
Thanks!
I'm consistently of the opinion that telling is not a good idea. If you want to come out to someone, just let them see instead of telling. You're most of the way there. She certainly already knows you at least lean strongly toward the feminine. I'm not sure what you'd gain by actually telling. Maybe just the relief of somebody knowing, but no tactile gain. If you think you've reached some arbitrary line you can't cross with the spa services, that's only in your own mind. Manicures with color? Brow waxing and tinting? That's an imperceptible step from where you are now. If you're wanting to incrementally add to your already feminine-leaning presentation by wearing makeup or women's clothes, even that isn't necessarily a big step. I've never seen a woman in a dress and heels at the spa. Comfortable and casual clothes from the women's department like any of the other women wear would be appropriate. A little tasteful makeup would hardly be a big surprise to the girl who polishes your nails and waxes your legs and chest. You're kidding yourself if you think she's fooled by joking about it.
I have read through this entire thread, I think, and find it exactly what I have been pondering. Sharing this aspect of our lives, with someone close, seems to be an important issue. The DADT situation is better than nothing, but doesn't lead to a conversation about ones personal issues of dressing. I have no one close enough to even think about talking to about this, but wish I did. I don't know of any group in the area I live in, but i'd sure go if there were. I'd love to share my thoughts with someone close.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovethatdress/
Rhonda - as it turns out, it was all good in the end. She genuinely had no idea, and the cartoon was legit from left field... I don't think dressing at the spa even casually is a good idea, but I at least now have a friend there that knows what I'm all about. I'll save the actual dressing for the group events, unless at some point she expresses an interest, but even then it would have to be in a different environment. Nevertheless, i'm not looking for or expecting that. I'm quite content with how things have ended up at this point, and it's even opened up more conversations with my wife about all of this.
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Shely - yeah you nailed it. It's tough having this aspect of our lives that is so rooted in secrecy. As others have said, talking here on the forum is one thing, but real interactions are the goal. Bottling this all up was starting to wear on me.
Glad to hear it went well!
It is good to have people you can talk to about this. Most of the people I've come out to have been cool about it,
but usually it has not gone anywhere for me. For instance, I told 2 of my sister's, and while they were cool about it and didn't freak out,
nothing really came of it as it's not a part of our relationship.
Dena - thanks
I can't speak for the accuracy of the listings, but I found this site:
https://tgguide.com/transgender-reso...upport-groups/
Shows listings for U.S. Support Groups by state. Only one of the four links in my state worked, but one's better than nothing!
Excellent link Mark, thanks
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Wow... what an evening.
I went in for my spray tan (is there anything this spa does that I don't do? LOL) this evening....
I had been emailing with my massage/nail tech all day and she offered to spill the beans to my waxing/facial/tanning tech and to the stylist that cuts my hair (since I know those two pretty well at this point also.) I took her up on the offer and when I got there, they were both all smiles ... and I got to have a great conversation with my w/f/t tech while I was "drying"... such wonderful acceptance was beyond any hope. She said "I liked you before, but now that I know more about you and the "real you", I like you even more." She asked a bunch of questions, which I encouraged.. and she seemed genuinely happy for me and supportive. I'm on cloud 9 for sure right now.... not sure how i'll ever get to sleep LOL.
Anyway thanks again for all the support here!
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