Compromises to save a mariage

[Lynnmorgan451]

The love of my life and I have been at each others throats pretty much since she found out I was transsexual. On and off, good days and bad days, then really bad days where I spend way to much time on the internet looking for rooms to rent. Finally, we compromise. Here it is...from now and through the end of August, no leg or arm pit shaving. I get one night every two weeks to shave my face and wear makeup, get as girly as I can with monkey legs, whatever...I can wear pantyhose...ugghh......I have to get therapy, which is fine. I was planning that anyway cuz I need it (I'm crazy) and we are going to marriage counseling. Oh and shes making me have sideburns and a silly mustache for the times between shaving. :-/ Also I am no longer allowed to communicate with people on the internet without supervision.

I think I can do this. I mean, at least for the summer and if I can get through it without getting too depressed, who knows. I feel like I'm free falling through the sky right now. Like I'm in a dream and I just appeared in the sky already falling. I'm not sure if my parachute works and I'm not really even sure if I have one. I just know that at a certain point I'm going to have to pull the cord, pray to God and hope I do it before I splat on the ground.

I think about other peoples problems and I even took care of some people in the hospital who have legs and feet amputated from being morbidly obese and diabetic and I think about what issues they deal with. When I compare them to mine it just seems silly. I don't have cancer or any autoimmune diseases. I'm not starving to death in Ethiopia. I'm not in prison or a mental institution. I'm not disabled in any way shape or form except for the notion that my body isn't female, its male. Oh my friggin God why is this such an issue to me?

I ask myself this question, too...If the "world as we know it" ended and we were survivors hunting, gathering, trying to stay alive. Maybe zombies attacking, maybe just other starving people attacking...whatever the case may be..Where do I fit in? Am I really going to take the time to shave my legs or face?? Would I still even think about doing this with the goal of transition so far out of reach? Will there be any surgeons to fix my body? What about estrogen? OMG where the hell am I going to get hormones!? Will I seek out pregnant horses just to drink their urine and make this a priority over feeding my family? lol.....ok I get carried away...But anyway, its not the end of the world. Its just the end of smooth legs, and only for a while...I can do this...This is retarded....I can do this...other people go through worse every day....these are my mantras...I can do this...Because I love my wife.

xxxooo

[suzy1]

You love your wife and that’s great but…………….

You are no longer allowed to communicate with people on the internet without supervision?
You have to have a moustache?
You get one night every two weeks to dress?

What does that tell you about your marriage!

Sorry but this just seems wrong to me but if it works for you then good.

[Sandra]

I'm sorry but your wife cannot rule your life like this.

I am married to Nigella who is also TS and it is who she is, and your wife needs to understand this about you. All these rules she has put in place are just going to cause a lot of heartache for both of you.

[celeste26]

Sorry but this just seems wrong to me but if it works for you then good.

How is it possible to work for anyone? That is not a description of a marriage but a prison camp. All the rules made by one side and nothing on the other (?)

I see divorce soon.

[Lynnmorgan451]

This doesn't work for me!! Not at all..It is laughable that I have to have sideburns and a mustache!! But I love her and I will do this for her. Hopefully this will be to prove a point. I want her to think I look goofy now if I have facial hair, and I want her to see how sad its going to make me but that I'm willing to be hairy and smell bad all summer to satisfy her. This is my life and I live for my kids and her and I have to be a father no matter what, and I need to be a husband because I said I would when I put the ring on her. I really think that if I go through with this it will strengthen our relationship, or, it wont be good enough, more rules will follow and yes, then divorce is inevitable. But for now, a means to a means??

I see divorce soon.

dooooonnnnnnt say that

[JohnH]

Wow, your wife is really making you tow the line. Hmm - if I read it correctly, your wife does not even allow you to shave your face everyday. If I were in your shoes I think I would shave myself as I see fit - daily shaving of the face and periodic shaving of legs and armpits.

And I also see your wife will not allow you on the internet without supervision.

I would say your marriage is beyond saving - that is just my opinion. I don't see how your marriage is going to endure. Maybe counselling might save the marriage but it appears to me that your wife is not willing to work with you at all. I have seen in on this website before where the wife make unreasonable demands but the separation occurs anyway and the husband transitions to being a woman.

The only conditions my wife wants me to observe is to keep my masculine speaking voice and name, and dress sort of like a man (denim skirts are allowed) when I am with her while having a femme haircut and lipstick. And around the house I frequently wear dresses, even to the point where I take out the trash.

I am on M2F HRT. No, you do not need to take Premarin (derived from mare's urine). There are alternatives.

Take care,

John

[Linda St. John]

What the hell Lynn.....you call that love ??.....Suzi, Sandra & Celeste all have it right !!! Nothing to add !!
Linda

[SabrinaDubh]

Also I am no longer allowed...

That right there would have me calling the lawyers.

[ReineD]

Suzy brings up an interesting point ... if you were a crossdresser your wife would be cruel indeed to be so severe with her boundaries. But, honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to be in a relationship with another woman if she is not lesbian. At any rate, I'm the SO of someone who is not TS and I suppose she could be classified under the crossdresser label, although s/he does identify dualgender and she goes out as much as she wants to. It's not about the frequency so much, like once per 2 weeks vs. 4 times per week (when he gets busy with work sometimes she'll go several weeks without putting on her feminine clothes. Her choice, obviously. It's more about the feeling that there are no restrictions when it comes to expressing herself. None. Ever. I think that if she felt constrained she would go crazy as well and she may well want to chuck the guy self altogether.

But, this is not about crossdressing, is it. It is about telling your wife that you are a woman, you want to take hormones to change physically and emotionally (don't discount this) to a woman, chemically. And then you'll want to remove all your body hair, grow breasts and have SRS, since you are transsexual. Transsexuals cannot go half way and be happy. If they can, then they are not level 5 or 6 TS (see the Benjamin scale), and they are rather bigender (or dualgender) like my SO. And yes, having sexual reassignment surgery and even growing breasts would surely mean divorce. There is no bandaid over the summer that will fix this.

BTW, I hate the term "crossdressing" for someone like my SO. She is most definitely not crossdressing when she wears her feminine clothes. She is expressing one of several facets of herself. And the term "transgender" means everyone under the umbrella to many people, and so it won't do either. Oh well.

I wish you all the best, Lynn. I sincerely hope it all works out for you, not only to preserve your marriage, but to be happy while doing it.

[suzy1]

Anyone that puts their children’s welfare first is O.K. with me Lynn.
I totally understand that!

Unfortunately the best for your children could ultimately mean divorce.
But only you know your situation.

All the best,

Suzy.

[Megan Thomas]

This doesn't work for me!! Not at all..It is laughable that I have to have sideburns and a mustache!! But I love her and I will do this for her.

Hi. You clearly do love her but the question you need to ask yourself is does she love you?

If she did she wouldn't be doing this to you. She'd be supporting you and doing what she can to make you happy. Putting conditions on your life is not how you go about making someone happy. Are you happy? We know the answer to that one...

Being transsexual is one of the hardest things to deal with and it needs not just courage by those afflicted but also a lot of compassion and understanding by those close to us. I hope your wife will come to realise this and change her attitude. In the meantime only you know how best to handle this and I wish you well.

[Stephanie47]

Rather than jumping on the bandwagon and agreeing with the others about being in a prison camp, I went back and read your postings. You and your wife need to terminate your marriage. I see no hope in ever being able to live together and being happy. You listed all the stresses in your marriage. You have three kids under age five. You're dead broke. You inform your wife you're a transsexual wanting to transition. You indicate your wife is/was expecting normalcy. In one post you came home and after being stressed out texting with your wife, you head off with a lesbian friend in semi femme to buy clothing? In another there's an argument about cyber sex? It goes on an on.

I suspect your wife is also totally stressed out. She has the same issues about finance and raising kids. On the flip sides she is sitting there stressed out because her husband wants to transition to a woman. All these restrictions she wants to impose on you are her attempt, however futile, to understand what's going on and save her marriage. Does she understand a person's desire to transition? I would venture to say she is totally confused. She does not know how to proceed. There's always two sides to the story. Your post is only conveying one side of the story. Maybe counseling will help. I suspect it will not. Once she understands who you are and who she is, she'll be better able to make rational choices. Don't stay together for the sake of the children. They will survive better than living in a home full of marital disharmony.

There's always two sides of the story.

[TeresaL]

My situation was very similar when I joined this website. I really did try to keep those rules, thinking that what her experts say may have merit, and maybe this is a dirty, sinful addiction. I was in GD misery. Our condition is complex, and isn't all fun and games -- we can't help it. We also can not change ourselves and our brain wiring because there is nothing wrong with us, and we've done nothing wrong.

Some how, your wife doesn't understand that If it really is love, then you can let the person go free, and they will come back, with no harm done. My freedom only came when I made a stand and declared that my TG life was is here to stay. If my wife wanted to stay, then fine. If she wouldn't let me be who I am, then leave. It took twenty years for me to make that commitment, and it is one of the best things I've ever done. Oh how I wish I would have done it sooner.

Although I never considered divorce was an option, I could no longer live with the mind control and domineering pressure. If you can, then have at it. It not, then make a stand for your life. If you have any dysphoria at all, it will gnaw at you until it eventually eats you up.

[Michelle.M]

I'm sorry but your wife cannot rule your life like this.

I couldn't have said it better.

I don't know why you used the word "compromise". Irrespective of gender issues, she's making all the rules and you're complying. There's no compromise in that scenario.

And you already know how this will end. Doing what she wants delays that, and it's understandable that you'd want that delay (you're no doubt scared of a likely divorce). But eventually something's gotta give.

[mikiSJ]

Also I am no longer allowed to communicate with people on the internet without supervision.

Are you also becoming 4 years old without telling yourself?

Something more than admitting you are a transsexual is at work here. Your wife may be the love of your life, but you are giving up your life to a dominance, not a love - figure this one out really fast or the boy and the girl in you is going to be lost.

[Dawn cd]

Wait a minute! Give Lynn a break. She said she has agreed to do this just until the end of August. After that the whole thing can be renegotiated. It doesn't seem to me that four months it a big deal if it shows consideration for an SO. Lynn said she LOVES her spouse. Let's give love a chance.

[Lynnmorgan451]

My wife and I have a very sordid past. And yes! There are always two sides to the story and it seems as if I am making all the sacrifices and I'm not. My word usage may have been a little vague and emotionally charged as well.. When I say " I'm no longer allowed to communicate on the Internet to people" I meant chat rooms...like these posts do not count as direct communication and she understands the value of my having a forum to vent. She just doesn't want me in a ts chat room flirting with people unless she's there with me. Understandable. I don't usually go into a chat room unless I'm pissed or miserable and just need to yell randomly and NEVER for cyber sex lol....but I'm cool with it.
And this is only for the summer......ill tell you, this wont be the first summer that I've had hairy legs n armpits, but it will definitely be the last. I think she knows this, too, and the "compromise" at this point I believe will help her deal with me in the future....I truly believe she loves me and she is desperately trying to keep her life together making these rules, and they didn't all come from her....I came up front with the leg shaving, because I know it bothers her tremendously that I do it....but if I'm willing to do this for her, I think it'll make her appreciate my love and, I guess, I really think it'll help her deal with the transition....I can do this.....for love!!! Ggggggrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! I can do this!!!

[KellyJameson]

Your wife has an unhealthy amount of power and control over you and in my opinion is abusing it.

Gender dysphoria can interfere with solving the basic problems of life that lead to personal autonomy.

It takes all of ones energy and focus and turns it inward but for survival life requires the opposite response.

Gender dysphoria can be a direct threat to survival because it stops you from being motivated to learn how to take care of yourself so you form unhealthy dependancies on others.

Gender dysphoria steals your will to live and the more power you give away to others the less you have for yourself.

In my opinion intimate relationships can be dangerous in the face of gender dysphoria because you are more vulnerable to abuse by others, particularly intimates but anybody you need for survival from the boss at work to the wife at home.

Transsexuality is not a disease but it can and does cripple you psychologically making other people in your life potentially dangerous because you will not have the same ability to psychologically defend yourself that a cisgender will have.

Think of yourself as wounded and others are taking advantage of this much how a thief steals from a blind person.

In my opinion it is vital to understand that you cannot afford to compromise in relationships concerning your gender dysphoria and identity because the circumstances of your birth and childhood have already forced a compromise on you that you should never have been forced to accept and that compromise is your body "as gender" not being you.

Gender dysphoria places you in a dangerous paradox where you need people more because you are in a weakened state but this very need is what weakens you further by forcing you to compromise that which cannot be compromised.

Transitioning is not only physical but learning how to transition out of unhealthy dependancies on others that the gender dysphoria is causing.

In my opinion to survive being transsexual you must learn how to live with a higher degree of person autonomy than cisgenders until you have moved through the gender dysphoria otherwise you become trapped by "Cisgender" needs and expectations.

Your wife is pushing you to be a cisgender which you are not and this will add to the depression of gender dysphoria making you weaker so needing her more so than making it possible for her to push you deeper into depression by the control she has and the demands she makes.

It is not that she is a good or bad person but she is "different" from you and this makes her potentially dangerous. She wants you to be a cisgendered male to complement her cisgendered female. A Yin and Yang mix of opposites but if you are transsexual it will be next to impossible for you to step into the role of cisgendered male because your brain does not work that way.

It will feel completely unnatural and backwards to you and you will try to change her to complement you and she will try to change you to complement her resulting in constant chaos in the relationship.

Cisgenders are not transsexuals and the differences between us and them make them potentially dangerous to us.

In my opinion you have to be extremely careful who you associate with when you are experiencing gender dysphoria because others will make you weaker from the already weakened state you are in by their cisgendered expectations.

In my opinion many of the sucides done by transsexuals come from them forcing themselves or being forced to be what they are not and you slide into a depression that you never come out of.

I would strongly urge you to fight very hard for your life and the right to be who you are and to live as you need to live by becoming emotionally and financially independant which will give you the resources to shape your world to suit you.

Cisgenders increase the trauma of gender dysphoria for the transsexual.

[Jorja]

I don't really feel I can add much to what has already been said. The only thing left to say is, do not make promises you cannot keep.

[DaniG]

Lynn, clearly, you love your wife a great deal. I can relate to this. You want to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work.

While I agree with others that her demands are nothing short of draconian, perhaps it does make sense for you to get by for a time. Don't give up yet. You're getting into therapy. The two of you are getting into counseling together. This will give you both a chance to put some perspective on the situation.

I recommend you do some homework on the marriage counselor and make sure it's someone who has some experience with TS. Don't accept an authority in your marriage who's going to condemn you, tell you you're broken, and to get with the program. You need someone who understands TS and what lies ahead of you. This counselor needs to give your wife a realistic view on what's reasonable. Hopefully, at that point you'll be able to negotiate better terms.

As for the long run, I don't believe that you're necessarily doomed. But you shouldn't accept her terms for the long run.

There are plenty of couples who surive transition. Yes, the odds are against you. Yes, your wife's initial reaction is not a great indicator. However, it's still early. More important is the strength of your relationship. Other than the obvious problem, how are the two of you doing? When the stress comes, do you tend to fight or come together? Does she just want to get out?

If there's any give in her terms, I recommend you get back on the forum for the support you need.

Good luck, Lynn! I feel your pain!

[Barbara Ella]

Lynn, you will have a very difficult 4 months ahead of you. While the conditions are harsh, there does seem to be some reasoning behind them, given past behaviors, even though they are draconian. Your wife's world has been rocked by much much more than merely announcing you like to dress in women's clothing. I think she may recognize a bit of uncertainty or confusion on your part also...you want cybersex and think it is not cheating, you want to become a woman and transition... You may have definite thoughts, but I do not get the feeling that they have been communicated, and this is the reaction. Your wife is confused and devastated, and is reacting, albeit over reacting. She needs some stability in her life right now, and sees this as a means to try and run in place and catch her breath.

If these were permanent, there would be no hope. If only you are to go to therapy, there is no hope. She needs to recognize, that if she loves you, she needs to understand what being transexual really means for you, and why your life is the way it is. If she cannot undertake a deeper understanding, there is no chance for you to survive. Take this time not just to allow you to suffer in silence, but to educate both yourself and your wife so that when August ends you both have a clearer picture of who/what you are, and how the two of you think and fit together.

This is not an easy journey, but it is yours, and you control your destiny in the end. Control it well.

Barbara

[Angela Campbell]

I see this a little from your wifes point of view. When I was married, I found my wife was talking on line to someone from another country. Someone she talked to before we were married. This was very steamy and I found out when it became talking on the phone.She did not know the cell phone bill showed all overseas calls. I was very upset and all trust was gone. It took a long long time (years) for me to reach some level of trust with her again, and to tell the truth the marriage was never the same again.

She doesn't trust you right now and there is good reason why. It is reasonable to stop all contact with others on line although the other things seem a bit of punishment rather than mistrust.

[Kathryn Martin]

Sorry, but I don't believe you are transsexual. I find your post in fact rather misogynist in a number of ways. I wish you all the best with your marriage troubles.

[Aly Cat]

Soo...I am not going to offer any advice because I am in the same place as you!! I do not identify as being transsexual...just a crossdresser who loves womens clothing. It is however a major part of who I am. My wife gave me an ultimatum about 3 weeks ago now I guess that pretty much said...continue and get out, stay and stop, or do it and know that every time you do, it really hurts me. I can't intentionally hurt anyone regardless of who they are so that gave me two choices.
Like you, I have stayed for the kids. Its the toughest thing ive ever had to do, not crossdressing. It is so ingrained in me. I had to give up my wardrobe to her and let everything go. I'm scraping by for the time being until I can get counselling for myself and marriage counselling. On the path I am on now, I foresee disaster but its what I had to agree on to keep some peace for if nothing else just a little while longer.

So yes, I totally understand the position you are in completely and sympathize with you 100%. Hang in there gurl well make it...one way or another.

[AllieSF]

I think that I understand where you are coming from and where you hope that this hopefully temporary compromise will get both of you. I would put less faith in the monkey look and your increased moments of frustration when it becomes too much to follow those rules which you have agreed to. I would put a lot of time in finding a very good and qualified gender therapist and more faith in his/her ability to get both of you on the right track that lets you progress toward where you need to be and who you are. If she can better understand what all this really means to you, maybe she will be better able to come to terms with it, and if not, be better able to make a mature decision as what to do about her role in the relationship.

If after this period, plus or minus, she still wants to keep in place strict rules for your behavior, then I think what the others' above are saying definitely comes into play. Good luck.