Doubts about being Trans

[Michelle789]

The past few days I have been having some doubts about being trans. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m trans but I still have some lingering doubts.

I no longer feel suicidal. I went to my AA meeting last Friday, presenting as male, and I had a good time. I didn’t feel any major disconnect. I didn’t feel male or enjoy being male, but I just felt okay. I just had a good time at the AA meeting and fellowship afterwards. Kind of what an AA meeting was like two 2-3 years ago before my GD went on steroids.

I haven’t had too many nervous breakdowns over gender lately. Except for last Friday before my AA meeting, I bumped into my neighbor and we were talking for about a half hour. She said a couple of things about male/female differences that triggered a brief gender disconnect, but I got over it in 20 minutes. She’s always mentioning male/female differences and her comments have triggered GD in the past, but this was my first time seeing her in months.

After I got home from my AA meeting I started thinking what if I’m just deluding myself? What if this is all just some CD fantasy? What if the real problem was being pressured into dating and marriage by the psychic? What if I really just would be happier being alone? What if I’m just running away from responsibilities of marriage and kids? Maybe I just need more AA meetings?

I’ve been having these weird thoughts the past several days. A few more things.

On this past Saturday, I bought my first epilator.

On this coming Wednesday, I have my first appointment with a gender specialist.

On Thursday, I am going for a full body wax (below the neck).

On Friday, I am planning on going to my TG support group presenting as female.

I still have “indirect dysphoria” symptoms – the depression and anxiety.

So, what is going on here? Why am I feeling this? Has anyone else ever felt this way before starting transition or HRT?

Any MTF TS or MTF who is questioning your gender may answer. Please feel free to answer whether you have started/completed transition or not yet started transition or are not sure of your gender.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Michelle; You are are having a lot of issues, and you post is kind of disjointed. Doesn't it seem like you are rushing things a bit ?

[PaulaQ]

I'd think this is mostly fear talking. But look - you are talking to a therapist on Wednesday. Why not talk it over with her? As for running away from the responsibilities of marriage and kids - you don't have either one yet! And while we can always use more AA meetings - you have talked about enough gender related problems that I don't think your direct answer to your issues lies in the big book - applicable as the steps are to this problem.

You are getting kind of ahead of yourself. You should talk to the therapist and see what happens. Nobody said HRT or transition were the answer for everyone. They may not be right for you. It honestly won't surprise me if some form of transition is right for you, given what you've told me in the past, but honestly this is big stuff, and you are right to be nervous and unsure of it.

Hey - I didn't want to do *any* of the stuff I'm doing now when I started. Hell I *still* don't want to do it. I just have to. I'm learning to like it after all.

Be honest with your therapist and see if you can convince her and yourself that you aren't trans. If you do - well, then I guess you aren't after all.

But not every moment as a guy has to be agony. It was really hard for me, especially at the end, but it isn't that way for everyone.

[Badtranny]

I didn't hate being a guy at all. I didn't hate wearing men's clothes either.

I transitioned for one reason and that's so people would treat me more like the way I felt. I don't know what other problems transition might solve but that's the only one I cared about.

If you think you must be a woman because you like dressing as one, than your thinking is all wrong.
If you think you must be a woman because you hate being a man, than you need some therapy but not necessarily a gender therapist. (in my opinion)
If you think that it would be really neat if people just stopped treating you like a dude, than you might be on to something.

This is my perspective. I was not a sobbing basket case before I transitioned. I don't hate my penis. I'm not in love with panties or bras. I was not a 'failure' as a man. I was simply hollow. Some people choose to fill that hollowness with religion, but I chose to fill it with truth. The truth was I always identified with women and never felt comfortable with men. The truth was that I was attracted to men sexually yet I didn't feel right as a gay man. The truth was that I needed to transition in order to be a complete person and finally be comfortable in my own skin.

What's your truth?

[Angela Campbell]

If you think transition is scary .... it's nothing as serious as the responsibility of a wife and kids. Running away from that is sensible. It is one of the mistakes a lot of ts make, thinking that will help them. It won't.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

IN all honesty if you consulted a psychic over a decision like marriage than you are very suggestable and you need to fix that immediately..
lots of opinions and lots of valid ideas already on this thread..
but you can't avoid decisions by letting others talk you into them or validate you.

You can work this stuff out with a therapist but if you feel pressure from comments by psychic than I can only say t his..

I am a psychic...I can read your mind... you are not transsexual..go have a great life with your wife and kids..

[kimdl93]

Great reply Kaitlynn. AA meetings are designed to help you address one problem in one particular way. If it works for you, fine. If not, then find another way to deal with your addiction issues.

One of the many realities that each human being must Learn to accept is that there is no escape from responsibility and we cannot avoid responsibility by letting other people make decisions for us. Not psychics, not the lady on the street, not your AA sponsor.

[LeaP]

Sometimes - sometimes - relief can be from taking action (e.g., support groups, epilation). Or maybe you are deluding yourself. So change things up. DON'T epilate, and don't go to the support group, etc. Stop the gender train cold for a month or three. See what happens.

[arbon]

Maybe I just need more AA meetings?

When I got sober 20 years ago I thought I could get all the gender and sexuality stuff behind me. I had program now, fellowship, God, and for good measure I got married. Then kids. I tried so hard to keep it shoved down and to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I went to mens meetings for 15 years trying to force it, fit in with the guys, but I hated it. It was not honesty, it was a lie. I was one of those that hated being a man, it felt so wrong, and eventually I became a sober suicidal basket case.

There were doubts along the way in transition but for me there was nothing to support those doubts. When I got my name changed I hit a big wall of doubts. But the thing was the further I moved away from the life I had as a man and was able to learn to be myself the better I felt about me on the inside. The doubts were mostly rooted in fear of the unknown, and I still had so much of that internalized crap like being trans was the worst thing in the world to be and I cannot be one of those people. I had always been determined not to be. I was looking for anyway around actually being trans myself. It was hard for me to accept. Its still weird for me to think about being the thing I was most afraid of being. Sometimes I still have those crazy thoughts maybe I did not try hard enough, or pray the right way, or take the right anti depressants. But they are just thoughts passing through my crazy brain but there is no way I would live as male again because I finally for the first time in my life really feel okay with who I am.


So often I don't know what to say on these threads - on one hand I don't want to encourage transition because it can be such a hellish experience to go through (though some just seem to sail right through like no big deal), on the other hand living with all that dysphoria and anxiety, depression around it is no way to live either and a lot of people do live good lives after transition and get past all that. I do not miss all that stuff at all, I am so grateful to be past that and to feel okay with myself. I mean to me it is like night and day, now. The transition experience itself things were pretty crazy for a while, it was really hard for me. I would never want to go through it again and I hate seeing other people go through it. I don't know. If you don't need to do then don't. But thats hard sometimes to know what you need to do.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That rings so true Arbon

One of the many "hard parts" is how do you know you "need" to... my only answer is to share experience so people can decide for themselves

what you've done is amazing...you know how hard it is, and you've experienced the good and bad of transition..all you can do is share what you've been through!!!

[LeaP]

What a great response, Arbon. Response via PM.

[GabbiSophia]

If you don't need to do then don't. But thats hard sometimes to know what you need to do.

I am here now and it is hard... wish there was a sign that told you what to do

[PaulaQ]

@StephBrown - hon, the only sign that matters in terms of "should" I transition is inside of you, in your heart and mind.

[Michelle789]

Thank you everyone for the advice. It's been a confusing past few days, and tomorrow I'm going to talk to the gender therapist. I will talk about my confusion.

When I got sober 20 years ago I thought I could get all the gender and sexuality stuff behind me. I had program now, fellowship, God, and for good measure I got married. Then kids. I tried so hard to keep it shoved down and to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I went to mens meetings for 15 years trying to force it, fit in with the guys, but I hated it. It was not honesty, it was a lie. I was one of those that hated being a man, it felt so wrong, and eventually I became a sober suicidal basket case.

I hate going to all men's meetings. I feel more comfortable when there's women present. Our "meeting after the meeting" on Fridays had turned into a men's stag 90% of the time during 2013 and really was missing having women there. That's changed in 2014, as we have some new girls in our fellowship. Through 2012 mixed male/female fellowships were the norm and the men's stag was the 10% case. 2013 was weird.

I go to a men's stag twice a year, once to celebrate my friend's birthday, and once to celebrate mine.

I don't like it when guys talk endlessly about sex and sports.

I find that I prefer to treat women as equals rather than something to be chased.

[FurPus63]

By the time you read this you'll probabaly have had a chance to talk to your therapist and work through some of these issues. I hope to hear from you following your appointment. I can't help but feel a good talk with someone who can be objective and specializes in this kind of thing will help you. I think we all have those moments pre-transition and sometimes post-transition where we feel "doubts" and wonder about some of the issues you've mentioned. You mention feeling pretty confident you suffer from GD and that is one thing to confront. It's all a matter of getting brutally honest with ourselves. I remember struggling with the issue of accepting myself as transsexual. I grew up with very bad stereotypes of transsexuals in my mind, I didn't understand "them;" and it took a long time for me to accept that I was one of them! It was so hard for me to say, "I'm a transsexual." I referred to myself as a "transgender woman" for so long because of this. Then one day I just told myself it was time to accept the truth.

I think Paula is right when she says a lot of what you are going through is coming from fear. It's scary to admit to one's self the truth of being TS. It's hard because then we have to admit that we don't fit in with the rest of the world. It's hard to face all the challenges that exist in the lives of those of us who are TS. However; once I got past all that fear and admitted the truth to myself and came to accept it, life got a lot easier.

Even though my life circusmtances are so difficult right now, and financially I'm struggling more than I ever have. I don't regret transitioning. I love living my life 24/7 as a woman. It's the best decision I've ever made in my whole entire mixed up life. It has come with a lot of heart-ache. I had to get a divorce from a woman I loved, lost several siblings and family members, and faced many other difficult challenges. However; through it all I've been able to live my life the way I always wanted to. For a change I finally can be the person I always wanted to be. I'm a feminie, "gurly girl" and I love it! Being able to totally embrace my feminity and live it to the fullest, makes all the heart-ache and emotional struggling worth it. There are times when I get disgusted. I still envy all those who have been born with a vagina or have had SRS. I still wish so badly I had been born with the body parts that best express who I am as a person. But..... I wake up each morning, put on my make-up, curl my hair, get dressed, and head out into the world looking and feeling great! I love it!

I wish this for every TS out there. I wish all of us who are trans can have the experience of life that I do. Live life as a woman full-time! I wish it for all who really and truly desire it. I hope and pray for you to find what it is you need so you can be happy. Whether you are transsexual or not!

Paulette