where to go from here?? (long post)

Hi there, my CDing has been like many out there, met my wife and got married many years ago as usual I didn't came out for the usual fears, now about a six month ago she found my stash of clothes and them my collection of pictures and videos about CDing, noting sexual just dressing up make up womanless picksand stuff like that, it's been rough for her for she has all the tears about homosexuality and can't understand why I like it, she is trying to carry on and says that wants to make things work, but doesn't want to know or see anything, neither do I want to show her, but now ever time she sees a CDing scene on TV it reminds her and gets sad, upset, angry and depressed , she can see me with out imagining me dressed up and it is too much for her, I have reinforce how much I love her and dont want to change any thing in my live and body, but she can't help to have many fears, any advice???? I'm trying to be the best husband for her but some times I just don't know what to do,

You have broken her trust I would say because you kept a secret from her.
Can't say I blame her for being upset.
How would you feel if you found out she was dressing like a man all these years and hiding it from you.
You may think she was out chasing women who knows.Maybe even a lesbian.

Perhaps counseling. Maybe get a book on CDing she can read. Feel bad for you and her both.

Time, patience, and lots of communication is probably necessary. Six months is sometimes not enough time to get over those initial feelings after she found your stuff. She may be upset for a while.

Education is the thing that will help her get past this. Alas, that may be far easier said than done. Any information you bring to her, or steer her towards, will likely be suspect because of the deception that recently came to light.
Counseling may well be the best avenue, especially if you can convince her to seek out a qualified counselor without your input on the choice. Meanwhile, genuine contrition on your part is in order. You must show her that you now realize how unfair it was to keep this from her; show, not tell. Promises and reassurances will, rightly, seem self serving.
Good luck to you.

Almalove,
I know from my own experience how awkward this can become , the media appeared to be flooded with items connected with CDing /TG issues when I came out to my wife , I could see her squirming with discomfort and I tried to find something to say to ease the moment . I must agree with Char it does take time but it's also tinged with thoughts of can it get worse rather than better ? In my case it became worse .

I can't agree with Tracii, it was unfortunate your wife found your stash before you could find the right moment to come out to her . This implication of lies and deceit starts with us , we are often forced into this lifestyle through no fault of our own , how do we live with it in secret ? The other point is why shouldn't we be entitled to some privacy even within a marriage , I couldn't beleive how much my life had been controlled until I separated , we do have rights which other people even our wives must respect .

I'm sure you will attempt to be as open and honest as you can but please try and get your own thoughts in order , I found it better to write my story down , how it started and where you are now and what you honestly would like for the future . That way you can possibly understand it more for yourself and also give something to show you wife rather than be caught out with an unprepared conversation . I'm afraid a string of , " I don't knows !" don't really help .

The fact she's discovered your secret hasn't changed you as a person , you are still all the things you were and no one can take that away from you but you have revealed another side of you which can't be hidden anymore , I would suggest you do seek counselling rather than suppress it , that is just a short term compromise , suppression long term is very destructive .

The first sentence of Teresa's last paragraph is a truism. We are the same people. It's a bit like if a tree falls in a forest and no one sees it, yes it still makes a sound. Just because we're not in plain sight doesn't fundamentally alter who we are as people.

Almalove, your SO's angst is a symptom of why we find it difficult to be open. As it's been written many times before, our fear of societal preconceptions drives us the hide. One of the big challenges for us is to answer the "Why" question when most of us don't know ourselves what draws us to dressing. Also breaking the myth of CD = Gay is something that has to be addressed.

I suppose some SO's equate dressing on a par with adultery yet it's so often a solitary activity. The fact that nothing in the relationship had any bearing upon our desire seems overlooked.

As for what you do it seems there are a number of options. One, stop, give it up but that denies you as a person. Two, carry on covertly and hope things don't get worse. Three, have the talk. If you think that's possible spend time getting your thoughts together. Don't wing and prayer it. You need above all else not to make any of it sound like she's in anyway to blame. You want to explain that this is a benign part of you and no threat to the marriage. Convey your fears and hope she understands why you found it so difficult to reveal yourself.

Four, counselling. As said above she needs to find the counsellor but you need to be sure it's one qualified to deal with these matters.

Almalove

I would say read Teresa & Helen's reply (twice maybe three times) I feel some great advice. This is a perfect example of how much help this site can be for all crossdressers. I hope with all my heart that you and your wife find happiness with you as the person you are.

Connie

Almalove

So sorry to hear of your current situation. Sadly, when it comes to crossdressing, where you and your wife are now is not uncommon.
All the previous ideas offered have merit. Having the open and honest talk with your wife is never easy, but it can be helpful. No personal situations between a CD and their wife is ever identical except for having the talk after the discovery being commonly uncomfortable. If you and your wife were happy and content before the new discovery then the chances to find a path to heal should be feasible. I, personally believe, that if you were a good person before your wife learned of your dressing desire, then you remain a good person who made the now apparently flawed decision to keep your dressing desire a secret. Yes it was deceitful but each family situation is different and confession of a desire to dress enfemme may not be the right choice for all. You both are now where you are in any event so having the open and honest discussion can help resolve a lot of questions and fears your wife may have. And often times is helpful for you to say, with words, how you feel about your dressing.

I wish you and your wife the best as you go forward.

You have broken her trust in you and it will most likely be a long road back but certainly not impossible. Talking is the way to start and even some counseling could/should be in your future.

Been there, done that. I actually confessed to being a cross dresser before my ex and I were engaged. At the time, the truth was that I was an occasional cross dresser and could (barely) imagine getting fully dressed and going out. In my case, the truth changed over time.

Unfortunately, my ex was comfortable with the earlier truth and shaken to her core by the latter truth. I cannot predict how your situation will play out. Ours deteriorated over a period of years, despite some conversation, one seemingly productive counseling session, and a long period when I refrained from dressing in her presence. Despite assuring each other that we would talk about it, the conversations stopped and suddenly she asked for a separation.

My situation, like every one, has common themes and reveals common problems, but each situation has unique dynamics. All I can advise is what others have already shared. Try to keep communication open and do what you can to emphasized your love and devotion by actions...not words.

You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and she can’t unsee what she’s seen. Sounds like you both are going to need some counseling if you want to make things work, and even then, it might just not work out. Good luck.

The problems is often not the behavior, but the suspected underlying feelings that cause it. Women dress in attractive clothing, and it was designed to attract male attention, so it's pretty natural so suspect that you're dressing in female attire for the same reason, even if you deny that intention. Plus, the vast majority of crossdressers cannot explain their desire to crossdress, so women just naturally try to come up with a reason on their own, and you won't like the reason that they inevitably come up with: Either you're gay, or you're a transsexual. Neither is acceptable to them. unfortunately, the other reasons are also unacceptable to them, so they are left with no potentially positive outcomes about your crossdressing behavior.

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

The problems is often not the behavior, but the suspected underlying feelings that cause it. Women dress in attractive clothing, and it was designed to attract male attention, so it's pretty natural so suspect that you're dressing in female attire for the same reason, even if you deny that intention. Plus, the vast majority of crossdressers cannot explain their desire to crossdress, so women just naturally try to come up with a reason on their own, and you won't like the reason that they inevitably come up with: Either you're gay, or you're a transsexual. Neither is acceptable to them. unfortunately, the other reasons are also unacceptable to them, so they are left with no potentially positive outcomes about your crossdressing behavior.

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thanks so much for all the advice, I KNOW i should it have, but i just wanted so much to be the perfect husband and again fail, I k ow she is trying to make thins work and love me, but there's that one thing that it's so hard for her to understand and I don't blame her, I myself can't even understand much less explain, the one thing that I do keep reassuring is that here is where I want to be with her and she is what I most treasured, well thank you for all the input, I'll let you know how things wo6out,

I have nothing to really add ... being so deeply in the closet myself ... but it's stories like this that scare me to the very core about revealing my secret to my SO.

[I added much more but got so sad writing it down I deleted it.]

Best of luck alma, hugs from me.

I agree with most of the above.

As for counselling, your best bet is a licensed medical or mental health practitioner. Your primary care physician is a good place to start. Chances are (s)he will refer you to someone with the appropriate qualifications. If one of you feel judged, it's time to move on to another counsellor.

A good counsellor will request least one session individually for both of you and one together.

There isn't enough information here to determine the main issue: the crossdressing or keeping it a secret. We don't have your wife's side of the story directly from her.

Alma Love, I join to what others had said as every couple has different dynamics and when trust is broken is a fragile crystal impossible to fix but even with that there are hope. just don't give up, wife 7 times told me to leave, in different ways and different tones in different times, I always appealed to her and mine, our love.
One last thing, don't do promises. You don't know where the life could take you. You can only reassure your love but nothing else is forever.
I did promises but I was just a crossdresser, now Im a transexual but we still living, lovingly together....
mho.
Devi

Why did you not tell her before marriage?
Silly question--few women are attracted to crossdressers as dates. Go to any dating site and you will almost never see "Crossdresser seeking compatible women for relationship."
I did not tell my wife before marriage--she would have been gone immediately.
Be sure to explain that crossdressing is common and has been going on with a few percent of men for thousands of years. Its cause is not known. It is not a character flaw nor immoral. Lots of wonderful men crossdress. More common than you think--but nearly always hidden.

I am far better at writing, than speaking. Maybe a long heartfelt letter, the good, the bad and the ugly, with all your heart, and let her read it.