Enlighten me.

[KateC]

Just as the title says. After cooling down from that thread arguing about who knows what near the end, I really want to hear what "I've been not listening" all along.

So what exactly is the advice is anyone saying about how to deal with CD in one's life?

To quickly reiterate, I threw my opinion out there saying that I think CD shouldn't be focused so much on, and not make it a self-centered issue. Which then I "accused" someone on here that their attitude toward's CD is just telling people to just enjoy/do CD regardless of other people in their lives.

Apparently I'm wrong or I don't listen, so I'm asking nicely, please enlighten me.

[chrissy_crossdresser]

why hurt yourself to make others happy?

[Karren H]

Everyones different and everyone has an opinion.. Personally I embrace my crossdressing because I have no choice... Its not going away... but I don't let it overwhelm or interfer with my family life.. Family first, work.. Ice hockey.. Crossdressing if time is available.. But that's just me..

[Christina Horton]

I am not sur i understand your question? To coin a phrase what da heay.

[O2B Barbara]

I think that most of us that dress have a story of some kind as to why. I underdressed for years without knowing why and it was extremely hard for me to accept. I spent a lot of time and dollars in sessions trying to figure it out. About 5 years ago I visited my childhood home, first time in 30+ years and a lot of memories came back. Explained lot about my desire to dress.

There has never been a time where I wanted to hurt anyone with my dressing. Never blamed anyone for it either. It is just a part of me that I can not turn my back on as the desire/need is to strong.

As for advice, most people have opinions and are willing to offer advice. I have no magic words of wisdom as all situations are different and I don't have all the facts, not to mention the lack of a degree. I guess my advice would be to follow your heart and do what is best for you. I try to live by the adage of "everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarden".

[TSchapes]

is a solitary activity.

What I believe we are trying to encourage is to combat the natural tendency to beat up on ourselves and keep our own true selves hidden and ashamed. To get to the point where we see cross-dressing as an asset and not a detriment. This is especially important since these feelings will not go away. These feelings may diminish over time or they may increase to the point where one feels they may have to embrace being a transsexual. But it starts with self-acceptance, then feeling comfortable with oneself, up to and including being proud of being transgender! Maybe proud should be used instead of celebrating, but I believe celebrating being used here as in "celebrating one's own life" is in keeping with being proud.

I don't think a single CD/TG/TS on this board has ever said do whatever you want and to heck with the rest of the family, friends, co-workers etc. But, on the other hand, it should be our duty to inform and educate these same people that we love and care for. To let them know that we are who we are and how can we communicate and negotiate on how our TG selves are expressed.

This does not mean that bad things will not happen. Change can bring about problems and opportunities at the same time.

To sum it up, we have to be true to ourselves. We have to tell others (most importantly our SOs) what it will mean to them for us to express ourselves. And basically get on with our lives. Because trust me, life is short, CDing is a part of us, and life is for living and yes celebrating.

I hope this helps. If you have any other questions, do not hesitate to PM me or post away. It is this dialog that is most important for all of us.

Love, Tracy

[Kate Simmons]

Unfortunately no treatise exists as to "How to understand crossdressing in 10 easy steps" otherwise there would be no need for Forums like this for comparing notes and experiences. Add to that the fact that everyone is different and the reasons for CDing are various and sundry and you have an open ended type of behavior. Since we are all different we will approach it in different ways and there is no one answer on the best way to do that. If we know what we are looking to accomplish it may go a bit smoother, if not it may take longer. One thing I have learned is to be patient in any case.

[Jenniferpl]

I try not to make it my life. I fit it in around kids, work, other hobies and did I mention kids. I embrace it because I have to. There seems to be no other choice. The desire will not go away.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

For me at least. Learn to accept it as a part of who you are, it's not a curse or anything negative, it brings more postive things to your life as opposed to negative things. Also try not to drive yourself crazy fighting it.

[mklinden2010]

Kate,

If a person crossdresses, there is some kind of pay-off to that person for doing so.

Most of us fall into crossdressing and then spend a lot of time trying to figure out why we do something, over and over, that could get us in a lot of trouble, or, at the very least, takes up time that could be spent doing something else; perhaps something socially considered as "better to do than that."

For a while, there is tension between, "For some reason I like this," and, "For some reason I'm not supposed to do this thing I like." Visit the forums for days and days in Wonderland...

To become enlightened, it is necessary to shed light on all the questions that arise - not just the big ones, the small ones too. At first, the answers to both sets look just as stupid. Does it, for example, make sense to forbid crossdressing, but to encourage boxing? Should all women aspire to Barbie's looks and should all men be Woody Allen?

The goal of enlightened society and intelligent individual choices is to create and support happy, healthy, friendly people who can manage to get along well with each other - barring the occasional need, perhaps, for someone to go kill "those people" or to wrestle the alligators in the swamp - which, when you get down to it looks like a special skill set; not a sex or gender thing... Like I said, for a while all the answers look stupid. But, if you keep breaking it down, things start making more and more sense.

Why is this confusing? Consider this:

There are many pieces to the puzzle of life AND there are many possible puzzle pictures that can be made from the same pieces.

Crossdressing, if you're going to be a crossdresser for any length of time, is a pleasurable activity. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be happening.

Crossdressing is counter to a lot of "the rules," but it is still pleasurable. And, once you have knowledge of a thing, it is hard not to know that it exists, and, in this case, can be referenced for pleasure at any point in time where desire/need/opportunity intersect. If you also know that it's both rewarding, and, in itself, generally harmless, you're less inclined to stop or remove it from you set of choices. "I'll just hide this and come back to it later." Good short term plan... Maybe. Which just brings up the question: "What would a good long term plan be?" You can return to the forums to put light on those questions too.

Crossdressing is OK. It may be a gateway to other activities, but, on the other hand, perhaps someone who begins as a crossdresser and winds up somewhere else was always going to wind up there anyway.... Crossdressing just being one way to get there, but not necessary "the" way to get there, nor, a way to anything in particular. Sometimes a dress is just a dress.

Most women, who are generally thought "normal," pay little attention to their everyday clothes as anything particularly sexy and they wonder, "What sort of MAN would find this exciting?" Turns out, at some level, they all do. Some, or most men, would just rather have the women do all the dressing up instead of themselves. Which is fine. That, you see, works for them.

Crossdressing is just something that people can do, and which some do because they have some liking for it. Some love it. Whatever their interest, so long as they can do what they like and manage the rest of their lives well, it's not "a problem," it's an activity. If it, for some people, is also a big part of their indentity, daily motivation, etc. then that's fine too - so long as they can relate to and get along with other people.

It's not the clothes, it's the people that take up most the time and effort - as it should.

There, I think, we agree entirely.

[KateC]

These are very good points of views/answers, keep it coming. For the past few weeks I've been gathering information and compiling into a document that I can keep for reference for my own feelings and reasons and also to give to my S/O to read in the near future. More information I can get, the more I can understand myself and others can understand me.

[Karren H]

Info is good but too much information can be overwhelming especially to an SO.. In my humble opinion. And though not many suscribe to my philosiphy... Just accepting your self without knowing why has been an awesome thing for me.. Spending an inordinate amount of time searching for something that even if I knew wouldn't change the fact that I'd still crossdress.. Isn't worth it for me.. I'd rathe accept and embrace my hobby and spend that extra time shopping or solving world peace. Ok probably more shopping than world peace..ll!! Lol.

Hope you find what your looking for...

[KateC]

Info is good but too much information can be overwhelming especially to an SO.. In my humble opinion. And though not many suscribe to my philosiphy... Just accepting your self without knowing why has been an awesome thing for me.. Spending an inordinate amount of time searching for something that even if I knew wouldn't change the fact that I'd still crossdress.. Isn't worth it for me.. I'd rathe accept and embrace my hobby and spend that extra time shopping or solving world peace. Ok probably more shopping than world peace..ll!! Lol.

Hope you find what your looking for...

I really wish it was that easy, if it was then there wouldn't be need for these forums. It's because I want a life with my S/O and I *still* want the things that I do as a guy with her, like starting a family, being a father, etc. This is why I need to educate her so she can understand that CD isn't such a big deal or some really weird out of the world thing that most of us do.

I believe this part of myself is important, important enough to try to make something work, but not to the point that it consumes everything about me.

She deserves at least that much, to try to make things work, to try to understand and accept. To me, this is no different than any other decision or part of me I make, if I were to join the military, even if that's my "destiny" I would consult with my family (parents etc) and close friends before doing something that drastic.

Life is short, and we only get 1 chance, so I rather be happy, in all aspects of my life, not just one thing, my CDing.

I really don't mean to offend anyone in previous posts or right now saying that: sometimes I think a lot of people here are acting like kids in a candy store or a toy store when they reflect on their CDing needs. I don't think it's end to be all of things when it comes to it and wish that more people understood what I mean by saying this. Again trying to not offend anyone, but it maybe because some of the older members may be experiencing a "mid-life" crisis which maybe pressures them into expressing what they want in a very self-centered way. I'm 28, so I'm old but not that told yet, so maybe it's different for my generation?

By all means if anyone has some advice that can help me try to make things work with the S/O, tell me them. I need all I can get, as I really want the best of both worlds.

[Karren H]

I really wish it was that easy, if it was then there wouldn't be need for these forums. .

Its as easy as you want to make it... Simple its all a mater of balance, planning and scheduling... Being able to crossdress once in a while and still do all those fun family things and guy stuff.. So far I've not had a problem doing everything I want and I have a pretty unexcepting wife... Everyone has a different situation and sometimes you have to think out of the box.. Or get a bigger box.. Or move the box.. Paint your box pink!!


Ohhh and there's always a need for this forum.. To talk about what to where and where to buy it and makeup and shopping...

If 28 is old .... I'm really getting depressed sice I'm almost 30 years older.. Ekkkkk. And I have thick skin and don't get offended easily! Lol.

[mklinden2010]

So, you're 28... And, married.

Well, been there... Did that... Nearly a lifetime ago...

Even to asking the same questions and wanting to do what you've yet to do, for the same reasons.

As I recall, it was pretty simple when I got down to what needed to be done:

"I have something to tell you. Here's the thing...."

Turned out great.

And, as I moved on in life, while I've never been able to predict exactly how people would react, it has always turned out well. Perhaps because honesty really is the best policy on the long run. CDing is not that big a deal, really. But you have to do what you have do or you won't be happy. Most people get that and wish you well, one way or another.

For you right now, there are a million questions. Actually, only a few of them matter. (Are you well? Did you remember to pack a lunch? Do you have any floss?) But, right now you need to know the questions AND the answers to lots of them just to press on. Life and the things we do seem to have to make sense. That's often true, and just as often not. Feelings matter and they do not have to make sense; we, however, think we have to make sense of them. Not always.

In a panic, Ford said, "Where are we?"

"Still somewhere in our solar system, I should think."

"Where's that exactly?"

"The solar system? Well, relative to itself, about the same place it's always been."

It wasn't much, but for Ford those words eased the panic somewhat.

"Hmmm. So, within a few billion miles of where we need to be?" he said, hopefully.

"Oh, sure. No more than a few 100 million."

"Only a few 100 million? That doesn't sound so bad..."


First thing you have to do, and your toe is in the water, is decide what characteristics make up y-o-u and realize that you, and your wife, and your parents, neighbors, kids, etc. have to work with what is, not what is supposed to be or should be. It can be done, people get used to all sorts of things.

Second thing is to stay in school on the subject. I'm still learning about the topic, and myself, and my SO, and, about investing, skiing, slicing bread, etc. You'll never have all the answers, but the more of them you know, the fewer questions (problems) you'll have to deal with later.

And, I guess three and last, there will always be people on different pages about this and most other things. The older "silly" members you mention, well, they're maybe a little ahead or a little behind where you are - but at a different age. It's not how old you are, it's what you know and when you know it - and if you truly understand yourself.

To have the best chance for a good life prepare all you can, and keep testing your progress as you go.

I've been where you've been, and this is better.

I got here the same way you will, probably.

Good luck.

PS

Don't tell your wife so much as show her. It's not the clothes or anything else, it's how you feel. Tell her about yourself, and how you FEEL about yourself, these things, and others. That's who you really are anyway - not the money in the bank and the other stuff.

Had a friend once who wrecked his wife's new car. He didn't want to face the music. If had been a very nice and very expensive car for a young couple to buy. When he did go to tell her he went on at great length about the other driver, about the blind intersection, about how, if they had kids one could have been hurt, about what this would do to their insurance rates, what his father-in-law (who'd loaned them the down payment) would say, and so forth. At the end of all that his wife said, "You want to have kids? And, more than one?"

[KateC]

Thanks Mary.

Well 28, not married but basically married, which I consider myself. Either way to me it's same, married or not, wouldn't stop us from deciding things really. Just a piece of paper and something written in a computer that says "legal" stuff.

I told her already before, few weeks ago. Of course the usual typical reaction of a GG/SO. Now I plan to really "tell" her, like explain in depth about things, what I want, how things are to me, everything. No secrets. Well not going to graphically describe how I pleasure myself, those don't matter, or do they?

My goal is to make her know it's important but that it isn't something that can't be talked about or remedied by removing misconceptions about CD. Make this a serious subject that SHE MUST FACE, not shy away. Something that will take more than a few days, few weeks, even months. I want her a part of this, to help me understand myself, see me through the things, help me with my feelings. Make it something fun, this is what I want. This is why I'm gathering a lot of information so I can present it to her, and use it as a reference. I always change moods so it's not reliable to memorize how I am, I need it written down.

[Deedee Dupree]

OK. A few comments in no particular order.

Compiling info as you are doing is a good plan, and avoid telling your SO the graphic details, that's something that belongs in your private space... for now.

Often on any thread, there are so many different sets of circumstances, ways to come to terms, theories of origin, variations and dynamics that the best one can do, is to read enough material until you find ideas and POV's that match yours as closely as possible. Then you make your best guess and proceed.

One of the reasons for my "disconnect" in the prior thread is, since I am over twice your age and have come come full circle, what you are doing now is only a distant memory. I can comment with the benefit of hindsight, but people closer to your age who are dealing with similar issues now may be better advisors.

But there is no substitute for finding out things for yourself... first hand. As you live through each "phase" you will know if the info you have collected in advance was valid or not, and you will make adjustments as you go along. How your SO will react is the big question, and I hope you will be one of the fortunate ones.

It may be necessary to test an "issue" many times before being satisfied about that piece of the puzzle. Each piece good or bad is a part of enlightenment.
I think the way you want to integrate CDing into your life, and with your SO is not uncommon. Many here have done so successfully. I was one of them. I really am not much different than you.

Part of the reason that you may think you are alone in what you want to accomplish is, that any particular issue discussed here can easily get blown out of proportion, being so intently focused on, under the microscope, and the big picture may not be obvious.

When my wife was alive....CDing took a back seat and that was fine with me most of the time. Now that I live alone
and can do as I please I have found out that CDing didn't escalate as I thought it might, and at times I miss the life I had with her and the structure/closet that was part of it.

Patience and careful preparation may be the best advise. The chips will fall as they may.

dd