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Thread: Tired of my wife not being more accepting of my crossdressing

  1. #1
    Former Member LindaMarie's Avatar
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    Tired of my wife not being more accepting of my crossdressing

    We've been married for over 28 years.

    I crossdressed before we married but didn't tell my wife because

    1) it was 1981, I felt guilty and ashamed about my wanting to crossdress and there was still so little information and support available

    2) I really thought that once we were married, the need for me to crossdress would end.

    As you can guess, the need to crossdress never went away.

    After a few years of marriage, I tried to tell my wife about my desire to crossdress. I wasn't as honest as I should have been. I didn't tell her that it had been a long term need for me. I told her it was something I was interested in and wanted to explore.

    She was initially somewhat accepting. However, I took things too quickly, dressed too often and she became very uncomfortable with it.

    Since then, my crossdressing has been the "elephant in the room" in our relationship. Whenever we try to talk about it, we get into a big fight. I know she thinks less of me because I want to crossdress and I've begun to resent her less than accepting attitude.

    I can't fully understand the shock she must have felt when she learned about my crossdressing and I wish I had been more honest when we first started talking about crossdressing. I've made plenty of mistakes and didn't always try as hard as I should have to understand her feeling or what she was going through.

    But, it's been over 20 years now. I've been a good husband. I've been out as Linda just a few times but have mostly dressed at home when my wife is not at home. I've really tried to be understanding about how this is all difficult for her.

    Still, I've begun to feel more and more resentful of the way she treats me and her attitude toward my crossdressing. It would be wonderful if she felt like some of the SOs and wives here who say they don't care what their husbands wear as long as they're happy. I don't expect that will ever be the case. I would just like her to acknowledge that I'm not this terrible person.

    Her attitude towards me has become less affectionate and I find that I'm feeling the same way towards her. I've become tired of being the one that almost always seems to be making the first move or the one who shows affection. I don't like the path we're on but I don't see how we're going to change it.

    She's always been somewhat controlling, even in matters not related to crossdressing. I don't know if that's at the root of our problems. She seems to think she should know best what kinds of things I should do in the little spare time I have.

    I don't know what kind of answer or response I'm looking for. I really don't have anyone to talk with about this. We tried couples therapy years and years ago. The therapist seemed to feel that my crossdressing, while an issue in our marriage, really wasn't the awful thing that my wife thought it was.

    Has anyone had good results from seeing a couples therapist?

    I am so jealous of those of you who are married to women who accept you for who you are.
    Linda Marie Daniels

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member JodyCD's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear about that! I can't honestly relate to the so part, but I wanted to say, that for me, and my wife couples counseling, didn't work very well, and after several months of it, we gave it up, and worked through our issues together.. We saw the counselor over an affair she had while I was deployed in the Navy, so it may be different, for your circumstances.. I found that the counselors, were biased in their own way, and already had a predisposed opinion of the both of us, which made it impossible for either of us to communicate effectively with the counselor..

    I wish you the best, and I hope everything works out well for you!

  3. #3
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    I can't speak to how to re-spark things with your wife.

    One observation though; I've noticed a general trend among married CDers where we usually want more acceptance/support/encouragement than our wives give us, irrespective of how much we get.

    There are CDers, I am sure, who would be envious of being able to maintain a 28 year long marriage with someone who knew about their crossdressing, even after telling after you got married.

    There are CDers, such as yourself, that would be envious of my marriage and the support I get for CDing. Yet, I find myself sometimes wanting more from my wife than she gives in support of my CDing sometimes. I reject these notions and wants because my wife is who she is. I am not going to change her, and I am not going to get more than what she wants to give. I love her dearly, and accept what she offers.

    Some wives are so unaccepting they leave, sometimes immediately. Some are unaccepting, and leave later. Some are unaccepting, but are willing to stay if they don't have to deal with crossdressing. This sounds like your wife.

    After 20+ years, the solution here is apparent (at least to me). Your wife is accepting enough that she isn't going to leave you over crossdressing. But, she doesn't want to have to wrangle with the issue. Don't bring it up and don't dress in front of her. Don't leave your femme things in places she is likely to encounter. Do crossdress when you can/want.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Are you sure your not married to my WIFE ???? all the qoutes you said , I fully understand. Yes I am the Bitch in the house, (till I get real MAD). I cook , I clean I take her advise as not to stirr trouble, she is somewhat controling, not many guys would put up with my wife. When we first started dating back in 1986 , halloween came around and she suggested I dress up as a girl ( I was in Glee and have been dressing all my life I was so thrilled to her suggestion, I had a blast and was a hit at the party. The first few years she let me dress and we had some wild times . My wife has her demons that I dislike BUT I tollerate her behavior. I too am not a bad person and I am the same guy she married BUT there is a part of me that wants to do things as Denise just to spite her for not being reasonable, I am not asking for total acceptence, just some understanding or leway. She won't even look at me when I dress now but it's OK if she gets STONE Drunk and embarrassing, I am supposed to accept that. LINDA I feel your pain for it is mine also. I don't want to be a bad person but my fantacies are strong and I may turn them into reality. If she would only let me express myself more I would be more satified!!! Your not alone!!!
    Last edited by Holly; 09-21-2009 at 05:58 PM. Reason: Not necessary to quote entire OP.

  5. #5
    KatelynMae's SO KayC's Avatar
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    I'm sorry your marriage has taken the turn that it has but it doesn't sound like it's a recent development and the fix may not be quick either. I'd highly recommend a marriage counselor for the two of you, but make sure it's someone well versed in CD so they focus on the root problems that need addressed instead of getting hung up on CD.
    Control well may be at issue here...CD is something your wife isn't able to control and that alone could make her uncomfortable. It'd be nice if she'd at least agree to a time when you could dress so you wouldn't have to feel apologetic for it. My recommendations to the two of you is to focus on mutual respect, relinquish control over the other, find something in common you can enjoy together, and always treat each other with dignity. Sometimes with a long term marriage, after 20+ years they discover they don't have a lot in common and growing dissatifaction develops...they must both re-fall in love with each other and that requires positive time spent together and positive interaction when so doing. I have learned so much from marriagebuilders.com where they have tools such as emotional needs questionairre, and books such as Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is a vast forum where there are experts to lend advice and it's all very helpful.
    I don't think this is all about CDing, but I wish you the best in your desire to put your marriage on good footing.
    Enacting life's lessons into positive change...

  6. #6
    MaloriCross Malori Cross's Avatar
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    Ditto Ditto Ditto and did I say Ditto?

    I am in the same situation--Malori is the elephant in the closet we never discuss. Nice to know I'm not alone.
    [FONT="Century Gothic"]Malori[/FONT]

  7. #7
    Senior Member LisaM's Avatar
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    Linda,

    I am sorry to hear that your marriage is suffering. I am in the Ditto camp---you need to find a marriage counselor who is knowledgeable about CD/TG issues and who can help you both.

  8. #8
    Style Icon Sara Jessica's Avatar
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    I normally don't involve myself in relationship threads simply because it can be such a touchy subject. Also, I can't fathom what a lot of us go through in making the decision to tell their spouses after marriage or even to decide to remain in hiding. Not being able to relate renders me somewhat silent on those things.

    That said, your situation is closer to mine. My wife knew before we married (although not aware of the depth of my issues). She is more than tolerant but less than accepting. She gives me space, runs interference, etc. We even communicate decently well about it of late which has been really nice. However, there is one simple thought that entered my mind when I read the title of your thread and this is it...

    Would you prefer being tired of your wife not being there?

    In other words, could your frustration push her towards making you an ultimatum, or worse? Just something to think about. Be careful and I wish you the best.
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  9. #9
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    Hi Linda

    I also have about the same problem you have, I married my high school sweetheart in 82 we dated for three years. i join the service she went with me i never told her about my cding. one day she ask me if she could paint my face and dress me, i reply yes, then i ask how she figure that i crossdress she had a fit, she said all she wanted to do was have fun, well that what started everything about me. I confess to her that i was a crossdresser and she told why did i lied to her she also told me that if she had known we would have not gotten married.We have gone to counseling about my cding, my wife tells the therapist, that she will tired to understand me, once we leave its good for a few weeks then she starts again telling why this why that etc....

    Sometimes i think she wants me out of the house, but do not know how to tell me, since we been married for 28years, i think that why she holds on. I do love her every much, and she knows. Therfore i dont push her anymore about me, i tired so much i give up. i only dress when i am alone at the house.
    I hope this well help you a little, that you are not alone. Love Gina

  10. #10
    Member María José's Avatar
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    Your wife married the man. You didn´t tell her anything about "the woman".

    You can not oblige her to accept your crossdressing.

    It is up to you to decide what to do.

    My wife knows I crossdress. But she has been very clear: she wants the man. She accepts I dress when I travel; she acepts I have friends like you, "girls" like me; she has seen me dressed at home; she enjoys my pictures dressed. But crossdressing is not part of our lives as a couple.

    If I go further our marriage will be finished.

    You have to decide what to do. I have come to a balance that permits me to crossdress and to enjoy live with the girl I love. It is not easy, but is works ...

    We have been married for 25 years. I crossdress since I vas 12, I´m 52 now. She knows I crossdress since five year ago.
    Last edited by María José; 09-23-2009 at 01:39 AM.

  11. #11
    Silver Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Me too, Linda Marie. Dittto times two. Couples counseling did not work. Sometimes we were not speaking when we left his office. However it is not entirely the crossdressing. My wife is not a social person. When children and then grandchildren came along her focus and love shifted off center to them. And homophobic to cd.

  12. #12
    :) Post-Op Hippie Chick CharleneT's Avatar
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    I would seriously consider trying couples therapy again. I know it didn't seem to work back a few years. Maybe now is different, especially if with a new therapist.
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  13. #13
    Senior Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Hello LindaMarie,

    Maybe another try or three with a professional therapist with experience in dealing with gender issues will be able to help you and your wife sort through your troubles. Chances are good there are other issues that should be dealt with besides your crossdressing. If you both don't connect with the first therapist, try again until you find someone you can work with.

    Best of luck,
    Giuseppina

  14. #14
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LindaMarie View Post

    But, it's been over 20 years now.
    And that is the real problem for you. There is a battle of wills going on, you trying to encourage more acceptance, she not willing to give in. It is no longer about the CDing any more, it is about intransigence. In fact since she has stayed with you, I suspect that CDing is not a major deal for her at all.

    No matter how shocking the revelation was to your wife 20 years ago, that cannot nor should not ever be used to not move forward in the relationship and reach a satisfactory, mature compromise. 20 years is more than enough time for her to have chipped away at the prejudices and accommodated who you are. The last 20 years should have seen a gradual relaxation in her attitude. The fact that this has not happened means she believes she has won this battle of wills.

    Having got away with it for so long what makes you think she would ever be interested in changing the status quo? Those advising to see a councilor is fine if both parties want to resolve the issue. It sounds to me that she does not want to resolve this situation as this would result in her having to give ground and begin steps towards acceptance. She will ignore such advice.

    At this stage anything short of a major announcement like the threat of divorce is not going to change her mind. I presume that is not on the cards so you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only alternative may be to force the issue by dressing against her rules. If you are going to change the dynamics then you are going to have to take risks.

  15. #15
    Former Member LindaMarie's Avatar
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    Thanks to everyone who has responded to my original post. You've given me a lot to think about.

    Like a lot of us in mid-life (a euphemism for being in my mid 50s), I think the realization that time is getting shorter has begun to make me think more about what it is I really want and how to accomplish it. I think it's important that I continue to meet my responsibilities and obligations, but in the context of those responsibilities, I wonder if I can do more of the things I've always wanted to do while balancing my needs with those of the important people in my life.

    Thanks again for your support and thought provoking messages.
    Linda Marie Daniels

  16. #16
    We all have our dreams... AmiFL's Avatar
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    like looking in the mirror

    Linda, I just read your post (re: Tired). OMG, we are walking in the same shoes, hopefully nice pumps. I guess it's like any relationship. Some wives accept "golfing or Sunday football" as a husbands release and share in the fun. Others, but not ours, enjoy playing dress-up with their spouse.

    I always live by the philosophy it could be worse.

  17. #17
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    All anyone has is today? No, right now.

    >>I don't know what kind of answer or response I'm looking for. I really don't have anyone to talk with about this. We tried couples therapy years and years ago. The therapist seemed to feel that my crossdressing, while an issue in our marriage, really wasn't the awful thing that my wife thought it was.


    If you don't know what kind of answer or response you're looking for, how will you know it when you get it?

    You do have your wife to talk to.... Rather than argue, "rights" and "equal time" or things like that, just level with her about how you feel and how you'd like to feel in your marriage. Discuss with her how she feels and how she'd like to feel in her marriage and daily life.

    The therapist is not your wife, or, anyone that close to you. Either one of you could dismiss the therapist's "opinion" by saying, "Easy for you to say, bub!" Refrain from escalating, rerouting, halting your discussions by bringing up other people, past fights, odds and ends of newspaper articles unless such evidence obviously brings you closer together.

    Last, 28 years means nothing special - as you have proven. If it's 28 years of doing the same clumsy thing over and over again and getting unhappy results... Try working on both of you being happy one day at a time - no more, no less.

    Face life together. Find something else to work on as a couple that's a better project than your crossdressing issues. Odds are good that if you two find something you both like better to do, each of you will feel better about occasional "me time" for either of you.

    Be happy.

  18. #18
    Member Mary Jane's Avatar
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    I understand completely where you are coming from since my situation is much the same as yours. I wish the wives could understand that we are the same people no matter what we are wearing or look like. I wish you luck.
    [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][SIZE="4"]Mary Jane[/SIZE][/FONT]

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  19. #19
    Gay Smurfette Dolphin :D Tamara Croft's Avatar
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    Maybe if you gave her the choice in the first place before you were married, maybe things would be different. But you're just another selfish person who thinks all women should accept CD'ing, even though YOU lied to her for years in the first place... and now you're tired of her... how do you think she feels? She married a man, not a woman... she doesn't have to accept anything and the more you push it, the more she'll back away from you and then what? she leaves?
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  20. #20
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    How can your wife be in so many places at one time!! And as far as lying... I'm the queen.. Just ask my wife who referes to me almost daily as "the liar". Sigh...

    I always subscribed to the "not telling" isn't lying because I never said I didn't if asked a direct question and I actually told the truth the first time she asked!! So in my little logical engineer mind I'm not a liar, right Tamara??

    You don't need to answer because that doesn't fly with my wife either!!
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    Gay Smurfette Dolphin :D Tamara Croft's Avatar
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    Karren... all you need is this
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    This is a free board, you'd do well to read the rules and not PM me with insults because you can't read. The next person that PM's me with insults, name calling, bitching etc is going to find my foot firmly planted up their butt on their way out...

  22. #22
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamara Croft View Post
    Karren... all you need is this
    Oh Yeah.... I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't need that.. Lol
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!

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  23. #23
    AbFabSuperMod Di's Avatar
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    This comment
    She was initially somewhat accepting. However, I took things too quickly, dressed too often and she became very uncomfortable with it.
    Looks like to me she tried at first out of love but you had to be selfish and now you are are at odds over it and you say you are tired of her not being more accepting


    I know you tried kidding yourself with all the reasons WHY you did not say anything before hand...but the fact of the matter is you lead her to believe...one thing and had this hidden from her
    and she did not get over her feeling betrayed AND SOUNDS LIKE
    she is trying to keep it in check by keeping it in check her way after all she tryed and you did not think of her but only yourself.

    I had a GG tell me is was worse than dealing with adultery that she never can get over the feeling of being betrayed. So please for both your sakes talk to someone together again and work this out.
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  24. #24
    Senior Member Sarah_GG's Avatar
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    Have you tried suggesting, gently, that she could, if she wanted to, find out more about it and find a bunch of supportive other GGs (who're in the same boat, ie being the partners of CDers) on this site, specifically the FAB forum?

    It's so much easier for us SOs to accept if we're told from the beginning. I completely understand the reasons why that wasn't possible for you, but I'm not sure what you've done to try to engage your wife's curiosity and support over the years?

    If there's still love then there's still hope. Counselling is a good idea, especially when communication becomes difficult.

    Good luck

  25. #25
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    another "tired of my wife not being more accepting" thread?
    wait...didn't you lose a job for logging onto cd websites while at work?
    And she's still not accepting? I wonder why?

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