Coming out to children. Is it a good Idea?

[DaphneGrey]

Is it a good idea to come out to our children?

What are some of your thoughts both for and against?

If we are not out to our kids what do we teach them about transgender people?

For me personally my children 9 and 13 both boys are quite aware that Dad is different. They see me in my androgynous presentation all the time. My thirteen year old also has seen my clothes and such hanging in my closet. They see me wear makeup etc..

However they don't see me present as Daphne for several reasons. The first is I see my role for them as their father, they have a mother (a great one) and as I have no desire to be her girlfriend , I have no desire to be my sons mom. It just is not my role for them as I see it.

I also do not want to bring any pressure on them from people who do not understand my lifestyle nor do I want them in the position of defending me or being spokespeople for the Trans community. They do share our views and have no problems with LBGT people of any variety. This is something we raised our children to believe.

It is not that I don't think they could handle it it is just I think their lives are a little easier and less stressful without having to deal with Dad in a dress.

Having said all of that My thirteen year old was doing his homework as I was sewing a handbag the other day he said "wow dad this is really cool who is it for?" I said I think I am keeping this one for myself. "he smiled and said you are just a big girly girl!" I said does that bother you he said "not at all" Then he asked me to make the same bag for one of his friends saying "Liz would love this"

So there you go those are my thoughts I would like to know some of yours.

[AllieSF]

Wow! It sounds that you are already more than 70% there. What is an additional 30%? Actually, I think what you are doing is perfect for your situation. The last 30% probably can be kept in the background until you and Mom feel that the time is right. It must be so cool to be that natural with your kids. Congrats to you.

[SuzanneBender]

As you know from my posts I am all about being out and being proud. However, I realize that that passion has to be tempered with a tad bit a bitter sweet reality.

Kids are very accepting of the parents. As long as we are loving and caring they could care less who we are around them. They are also very social critters. I always say I still have one foot in the closet because I am only out to a trusted few at work and in our local community. I have no issue with the personal ramifications of the narrow minded people knowing about my dressing. However, I do take umbrage with it impacting my family especially my kids. Children can be vicious little critters and I do not want to force my children to pay a price for what I do at a young age.

I am out to my oldest daughter. I came out to here when she was 17. She is totally cool with it and my biggest supporter.

I have not come out to the rest of my children yet. I will probably have the same chat with them as I did their big sister about the same time in their lives.

I do make it a point to teach tolerance and love for those that are different from the societal "norm" every opportunity that I can.

[Sheila]

All 3 of my kids (25,24 and 13) know about Debs, my daughter (24) has given advice and encouragement to Debs .......... having said that it does not affect their daily life . they live 300 miles away .......... my 13 year old knows and easily interacts with Debs or D**** Deb's elder two know, his daughter has had a few girlie nights in with Debs, her son has seen pics but doesn't want to see her in person .... having said that he was surprised when he saw a recent pic of her, and said he would not have recognized her if her passed her in the street

[tricia_uktv]

I would wait before telling children. I told my twins when they were 15 - too early. Now they are 17 and his filtered through they are fine with it though. Your kids when young have enough to worry about without the fact that you (we) are totally different from their expectations. They are also, especially early teens, extremely scared that things will get out and affect their lives.

[Kate Simmons]

The situations vary and it tends to be an individual judgment call my friend.

[DaphneGrey]

The situations vary and it tends to be an individual judgment call my friend.

Indeed it is, I am just curious as to how people feel about it

Sometimes I think I should do more sometimes I think perhaps less.

For me I am at the point where it makes little difference to me who knows and doesn't My motivations for telling or not telling really revolve around the other party. For example my mom knows but her parents did not. Not because I am ashamed just because they would have quite a hard time dealing with it and why put them through it.

[Melissa_Z]

Daphne, thanks for the great thread! This very topic has been on my mind for a long while. I would like to ask a few more detailed questions if I may. (If this post is a thread-jack I'm happy to move it as that is not my intent)

I am interested in the "how" of disclosure as much as the "should," as I think they are tightly coupled. Before we (my SO and I) get to the kids stage, we'd like to have a lot more of this sorted out

My thought was to do more of the slow leak 80/20 kind of approach whereby Dad mode would dominate, but there would be some fraction of femme behavior there as well. Even under this approach, it seems that there are bound to be questions and issues galore. Moreover I would suspect that there would be all kinds of opportunity for family/friends to be innocently and accidentally brought into the loop.

On the up side, this approach would allow for some exposure to transgenderdness, and thus provide the benefits openness and education. It would also largely provide the child(ren) with a reasonably gender-normal (hate to say it that way ... but I think it makes my point), upbringing. With this approach in mind, my questions to those who have disclosed are:

How did you start disclosing? By act (i.e. non-traditional gender roles, maybe partially femme presentation, etc.) or by conversation? How do you attenuate the "wierdness" factor? Most importantly, what steps did you take to protect your kids from disagreeable family, and from school bullies or even friends?

Thanks,

Mel

[VeronicaMoonlit]

personally I believe that one should either tell them early, so that they grow up with it being "a normal thing" or you wait till their a bit older. From my reading, that seems to work out best. The hardest years to tell would prabably be the 10-13 year old bracket.

Veronica Rogers

[docrobbysherry]

But, I'm simply a closet CD! I mite think ENTIRELY differently, if I was TS/TG!

[Rogina B]

My daughter,an only child,now 8yrs,has been familiar with Rogina since age 6. I am Daddy,no matter how I am dressed and I am dressed around the house everyday as well as going out.Rogina goes out,Mom and daughter get to go to the movies...simple reward that works like a charm. She has told me many times that I look pretty as a woman,but no where as "pretty as Mommy". I am so glad to have an accepting daughter however every family is surely different.But,I think kids can accept that Dad is different.

[karennjcd]

Tough call to make.

On the negative side, you never know if your child may someday be sitting in a closed-minded psychologist's office and their problems are blamed on what their Dad was doing and flaunting. And while your own kids might be OK with it, what if their classmates find out? There is no telling how your kids may react upon finding this fact out, or whether it will affect them later in life. For those who have been honest early with their offspring, I wonder if they were also told to keep it a family secret, or whether Daddy's coming out can be told to others (friends, teachers, etc.). Sadly the school environment can be cruel should others find out and ridicule them.

On the other hand, honesty is a wonderful lesson. Hats off to those who have the confidence to have come out to family (spouse and kids) about this. You have a lot of courage.

Like everything else, this has plenty of pros and cons. Best of luck to you!

Karen

[Melissa_Z]

But, I'm simply a closet CD! I mite think ENTIRELY differently, if I was TS/TG!

I think you raise a valid point Doc; depending on where you fall on the gender spectrum, this is a different issue. For those of us leaning towards the TG side ... perhaps the need to integrate our femme side with our homme side is strong enough to merit the level of consideration I've described. Alternatively, some folks may be able to persevere without such a requirement. Is that what you were suggesting?

Mel

[PretzelGirl]

I certainly believe that everyone's situation calls for an individual evaluation of what to do. For me, I have only dressed at home and you can look at that as being a factor as opposed to one who is going out. Now that I am working towards going out, I have thought it over some more.

More specifically, two of my kids are grown and don't live in my state. So I have left well enough alone there. The third is 18 and lives at home. I take the approach with her that she has enough things going on in her life that I don't want to bring this up with her at this point at least. But she does live with me, so there is always a possibility that she does know or at least suspect something. So if she ever asks, I will be straight up with her. But for the time being, I am choosing to not tell her at this point and let her deal with becoming an adult.

As a note, this decision is never made in a vacuum. If I ever thought it was time to talk with one of my kids, it would have to be something that my wife and I both agree to.

[Sandra]

One thing you have to rememeber....if you do tell your children don't expect them to keep it a secret if your are in the closet. I believe that children should be told and not find out for themselves.

Most kids aren't bothered and just carry on as though nothing had happened.

We told our daughter when she was 14, and she already had an idea, so don't be surprised if older kids don't already know.

As for "is it a good idea" I think it is, but that's just my opinion

[melissacd]

I think that you may have answered your own question in the last part of your post. It is like so many things, in our minds we create all sorts of awful scenarios about something and in the end it is as simple as - wow that is neat can you make one for so and so. I told my children and it was no big deal then and it has been no big deal since. If you deal with the subject in an open and honest way , if you deal with it as if it is a perfectly normal way to be, if you deal with it in the same way you would deal with teaching a child to understand and appreciate all of the differences in this world then it won't be a big deal. It is only when we treat it as if it were something bad that they pick up on that cue and think that it is something bad too.

[Sara Jessica]

...so don't be surprised if older kids don't already know.

I've heard this several times before. I guess we leave markers or as my friend Veronica put it, we sometimes leak femme!!!

I have no advice in this area because I'm still trying to decide what to do in my own situation. Wife is firmly against telling and I won't do so without her blessing. But our oldest is fast approaching that window age where it'd probably be best not to tell. From what I've heard, this is the teen years.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Daphne...

you said...
"If we are not out to our kids what do we teach them about transgender people?"

!!!!EXACTLY!!!

I don't buy the folks that told me "well the best thing would be to not be TS(or crossdress)" !!! ..

Even with that said, I don't think there is a pat answer, but there are lots of things to consider before you decide the ONLY important thing...What's best for them?

Kids today are MUCH better about this but there is still a lot of bullying out there...my 16 year old tells me MOST of her friends smoke pot, and many are sexually active!!! my 12 year old listens to x rated rap music when i'm not around....so what exactly are we protecting them from?

they know everything about me...and the only issue right now is that they don't want me at their school or the mall...but their friends mostly know and come over my house and so far every kid has been respectful or better..there is no affirmation better than a teenage girl looking at you and saying "wow"...

also - i think the ts side and cd side are different..not because of the differences we all talk about, but because the cd'ing just isnt going to be so obvious outside of the family...for example, most of us that are not ts would be dressed in drab when our daughters date comes to take her to the prom!!!
There is a very strong arguement that if you are dressing occassionally, then you could also decide it's not anybody elses business, but you risk getting caught, no matter how much you hide. On the TS side, that's not an issue.

Like I said, i do look at it from the perspective of transition, but I can add one more thing that really surprised me...a couple months ago an older friend of mine, with kids in 20's decided to finally transition after many years of misery...the family unit stayed together until the kids were out of college...
Although this sounds wonderfully admirable, the outcome was terrible...out of 3 kids, only one is talking and they all complained loudly that they were not trusted much earlier with this..they were very hurt and angry by this and told their dad they knew something was wrong and it was confusing and sad for them.

you could say you can't win, but i disagree..you just do your best and treat this the exact same way you'd treat anything going on with your kids...consider things best you can, and do what you think is best for them.

HAPPY XSGIVING!!!

[Sally2005]

I'm thinking, no need to make it formal. If you just carry on as if it is part of who you are, then there is no hiding, no need to explain, and no label dropping from your kids to their friends etc. If the day comes when you need to say it, they will already know about what you do, so no big news. So, the age should be all the time from youngest to older and probably past their teens when they are leading an independent life or if they are very mature maybe sooner.

[Annie D]

Kids are acutely aware of what is going on around them as they pick up on all the things that you wish they didn't and don't pick up on the things that you wish they did! Just look at the friends they choose to hang around with....OMG!

Seriously, if you are thinking about sharing a side of you that you have kept hidden then I think that it is important that you share that it is a choice that you have made for yourself and in no way is contagious. Specifically in your case to have two boys that around 13, they have to be asking if you are "gay" and if they will inherit those traits from you? Middle school kids are so worried about being the same as their peers and not being accepted by the group as a whole that they really don't know how to accept being different.

We really have to teach them what to think and how to act in new and first time situations, for example: how does a teenager act at his first funeral when the family has lost a loved one? How does one act when they find out that an uncle or an aunt may be gay?

I'm sorry that I can't type as fast as I think of what I want to say but before I get it down, I think of something else and my thoughts are all over the place.

Chances are, like you have already said, they probably suspect that you are somewhat different and you need to let them know that the choices you make don't necessarily need to be the same for them but they need to try to understand what makes each of us different and unique and be accepting or better yet, tolerant, of everyone so long that they don't affect their safety and well-being.

Good luck in your decision.

[Carroll]

I have an 8y old daughter a 10y old son and a 21y old son. They have all known about Carroll for the past 7 years. The subject has been bought up with my daughter counselor (she's autistic) and we were praised for raising our children to be open-minded.

[Frédérique]

Is it a good idea to come out to our children?
What are some of your thoughts both for and against?
If we are not out to our kids what do we teach them about transgender people?

[SIZE="2"]Coming out to your own children seems like a good idea to me, but I’m not a father and never will be. I mean, surely they’re going to find out at some point, so why not break the news at a time and place of your own choosing? I like the idea of a child “discovering” crossdressing by accident or by good fortune, depending on how you “see” this complex issue. Maybe one in a thousand boys would be intrigued by the idea to dress in girl’s clothing, for example, or perhaps it’s a much higher percentage than that. In this hypothetical familial situation, I would like to see a child have a gentle introduction to this curious lifestyle, and not an abrupt disclosure of the parent’s secret world. I don’t know how I would manage it, if I was in this situation, but I do think about such things. I’d like to say, “I’m glad I don’t have any children,” but that statement carries a certain amount of denial with it. In my case, I would be pleased to be remembered as one’s “funny” uncle, and perhaps, somehow, plant the seed of crossdressing in a young, fertile mind. It’s a fantasy, I know, but I think crossdressing is a beautiful, gentle idea that needs to be embraced by the young… [/SIZE]

[switcheralso]

I would not come out to your children unless your caught. Coming out to your significant other would be as far as I would go.

[lizbendalin]

I'm probably in the minority here in this situation, but here's what's going on in our house. I have 2 little girls (3.5 and 2.75 years). I am not fully out to friends and family (yet), though many people know. I live 95% plus of my life in the male world, and enjoy regular vacations into my femme reality. My wife knows all about me, and is 100% supportive.

My children have known about Liz since they were born. We have not hidden my dressing from them. When we host our transgender support group meetings at our home, my children are present (until it's bedtime). They refer to me as Daddy when dressed in male attire, and Deedee when in my femme attire. They see me as the same person, and treat me the same regardless of how I am dressed. I love that I do not have to hide who I am from my children.

My wife and I talked at length about how we were going to treat my crossdressing with our children, and made the decision that we were not going to hide it, or make a big deal out of it. It's just who I am. Now, in the future this may result in unwanted outting and other private information being shared, but we have accepted that potentiality and will live with what ever happens. That's the situation here in this family.

[Christina Horton]

I don't have kids or a wife...yet. So take this with a gran of salt. I say yes tell them , just make sure the understand that others might make fun or tees or worse to them. Kids do have Lots to deal with but is there ever a time when they don't? If I were married whit kids they would see Christina and know from the start. That's just me. If I did not tell them when they were young then it might be harder if there were no sings like you have shown. But I think your kids should know after all , they prob know something now. Tell them. My worth.