Hi Girls,
Random background information and a bit about me....
I've been dressing in one way or another since I was very young. Being only about 5 or 6 when it started I don't believe it was sexual. It just felt good to have feminine clothing on. In my teenage years and into my twenties (with hormones racing) dressing became all about getting dressed up (usually trashy), turned-on and always ended in some "release". It was all about the sexual turn-on. Immediately following I felt to need to remove the clothing/makup etc., most likely due to guilt/shame. Dressing intensified and waned back and forth over the years.
I'm in my mid-30's now, married to a very supportive wife with a young son. Over the past handful of years things have changed. Dressing has become about presenting a more typical female image and sexual arousal has become an increasingly less important (almost none) aspect. Spending hours dressed is very comfortable, enjoyable and makes me feel like "me".
I'm not a very typical "guy".....I don't like football or baseball and I don' t mind telling anyone that I'm completely ignorant about the scores, teams and players.....wrestling, boxing and ultimate fighting just disturb me.... I enjoy home decoration, architecture and landscaping......fashion magazines are inspiring......I'm better than my wife at picking outfits and applying makeup.... I constantly cry during movies ... I can't kill a bug ......never been in a fight..... without going into details about "equipment" my wife wears the pants in the bedroom 90% of the time......the first thing I notice about woman is their shoes, makeup, accessories and attire ....respect and sometimes jealousy are the only reactions I've had to a beautiful woman in many years......I'm not attracted to the physical image of a man (never thought "wow, he's hot") but the plumbing is certainly a turn-on.
Now for the confusion/conflict part. I'm a big girl. 5'14" and ~200lbs.....mostly muscle. Over the past year or so I've been purposefully losing muscle mass, slimming down, growing my hair out, growing my finger nails, grooming my brows, voice training, all to be more feminine. Thoughts (bordering on obsession) are constantly going through my head whether transition (or partial transition) could be successful. Can I be a happy woman over 6ft tall? How would HRT impact my skin, hair, body (obviously not height)? Are my hands and feet reasonably sized ? Could I look pretty with some FFS procedures? I've even been scouring the internet for information on taller transsexuals (haven't found many) that have successfully transitioned. I've already convinced myself that if I was under 5'10 and 150lbs I would be well on my way to being a woman.
....then I think....who am I kidding? Why bother having long hair, nails and losing my muscular physique....I would never be successful, so why be in limbo?.... Why sacrifice the male side for a female side that can never be realized? Is it worth being a skinny weak man just to fit into a smaller sized dress as a woman? Although my wife has said that she would support me ...do I really want to upset my families lives?
Am I alone? Do others fight with these conflicts?