How do You Handle Ignorant Family Members?

[MiamiMarie]

When I found out last April that my Husband was a CD, I had NO IDEA the very worst part of it would be his family.

My H's parents and uncle just finished up a fairly long family holiday visit. We took them out to a restaurant where we saw a GG and her CD partner, who were later met up with another CDer. This all happened a few feet from our table and my in-laws looked on with great interest.

The uncle kept calling them "flamers," and I would correct him. Over and over. Then the next day, my father-in-law, out of the blue said, "I am glad none of my sons are gay." I assured him that were that the case, he would surely love his sons unconditionally anyway. Throughout the trip, his mother bristled uncomfortably with disapproval over her state's recent gay marriage acceptance. And she pretended to get scared in Key West when we strolled past gay bars and drag queens.

I believed all three of them are good, compassionate, and loving people. I believe that should the day ever come that my H is brave enough to come out of the closet, they would embrace him and immediately change their behavior. But they also find this sort of gay and tran bashing quite amusing among themselves. And if I get defensive at all, they seem to think I am just being a sanctimonious liberal hippie (who are always fun to tweak), and they will make even more jokes to get a rise out of it.

I only realized just this week how this sort of behavior has been a major presence in my husband's life - I honestly never noticed before. Perhaps I used to laugh with them, an idea that now makes me a little ill to think about it. But now, it is SO INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to watch this play out and keep my mouth shut. My husband is really good at "playing along," but I know this must deeply hurt him.

How do you guys handle this sort of thing? And how do your wives manage not to slap your insensitive friends or family members when faced with such behavior?

[Chickhe]

Sounds like my parents... how to deal with them? heck if I know. Ignore them?

Lots of times I think this talk is just talk, it is aimed to form some sort of bond or club membership...to their club. You can say something positive like, sure beats being boring and average like we are...

[JohnH]

Your husband needs encouragement to come out and divulge that he is a crossdresser and he is not homosexual. That is going to be a difficult thing for him to do.

I have never kept my crossdressing activities a secret.

After he does so then he would be in a position to rebuke people who speak ill of crossdressers. After correcting someone over and over again then it is time to be confrontational, even telling them that I don't want to hear those words. And yes, I would even do that to my own parents.

Something I really notice about the members of this forum is there is an incredible sensitivity toward women that a lot of men don't have. That may make crossdressing more acceptable to you and give you the confidence to encourage your husband to come out.

Johanna

[Joanne f]

Same way as i handle mine , haven't spoken for 24 years my childern don`t even know that they have relations , sad i know .

[KarenCDFL]

In my opinion is to "Just smile and nod your head"

I discovered many moons ago that you cannot teach or explain anything to the terminally ignorant.

[Sandra]

And how do your wives manage not to slap your insensitive friends or family members when faced with such behavior?

I sit on my hands

I put them right and explain about the community. Sweeping it under the carpet won't do any good, if we don't try and educate people then there is alwasy going to be these kind of comments thrown around. In saying that some people just wont listen and no matter how much you try to talk they wont listen.

[Jay Cee]

I might toss in a comment or two like "Did you know that over 85% of people who bash CD's secretly harbour crossdressing fantasies of their own?" Make up some other "factoids" along a similar line, and see if that shuts them up.

[suzy1]

It’s just how it is. But he has you and that must be wonderful.
If only me Ex had been like you. I hope he worships the ground you walk on.

A big hug from, SUZY

[AllieSF]

Yes, some people just have a hard time getting their arms and minds around the concept that someone is not straight and conservative like them I think that you are doing a fine job of trying to inform them. If you can take it, I recommend that you keep on trying to provide some light to their sometimes dark humor and thoughts. As for how your husband feels when they talk about it, I would just ask him and get into a conversation about it. Some people are extremely sensitive and others just let it roll off their backs with no permanent damage to them over the long haul. I was having a similar conversation with a woman I see at the local coffee shop about dealing with family members who disrupt the normal flow of things. Maybe trying to not let it get to you (taking it personal) will help you maintain your sanity, which is important to you and those around you. Good luck.

[Lorileah]

Ah, relatives. You can't live with them and you can't push them off a cliff. You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family. You have heard it all before.

It comes from fear and ignorance. Ignorance can be fixed. But the ignoramus must want to learn. Remember that kid in school who would not listen no matter what? You can't teach that type of person. In this case they have a frame of reference that is based on years of misinformation.

Unfortunately if they did have a gay child, these are the type of people who would cut all strings and never speak again. You don't think they would quit "loving" their child? They would in a heart beat. Talk about sanctimonious. They wrote the book.

It will take something earth moving for them to even start to see. In this country, with interstate highways, internet access, and cable news, we are still a cloistered and ignorant society. We still live in our shells.

I have been in similar situations as you have with relatives. I have ranted, raved, argued and even pointed out scripture that refutes their ideas (when they have used scripture to argue their point). The advice above seems to be the least painful for you and your spouse. Ignore it and move on if you want to keep any ties you have. It is hard, but you can gently try and skew their misinformed ideas with time. Softly gently.

Make salient points they may comprehend. Ask then how a gay or TG person affects them personally. Does it take food from your mouth, money from their pockets or breath from their lungs? If you look at it hard enough you can refute their arguments with logic. You cannot win by emotion, no matter how passionate you are. I don't think it is a lost cause, but you have to choose your battles. That does not mean you roll over and play dead. You did the right thing when the FIL said something about gay children. I usually add that I don't really care for statements like that and although I love them (unconditionally even if they were green and slimy and all ickky) I personally find such comments offensive and would appreciate that they keep them to themselves. Adding, you never know who they may know who is in that lifestyle. Usually they look at me with a shocked looked, I give a crooked smile and sometimes a wink and they shut up quickly.

[Karan49]

I have a friend who I love dearly who a year ago started using the 'N' word in reference to blacks. For awhile I kept my tongue, but after cringing so much and explaining to her several times that her words were mean and derogatory I finally told her I felt really uncomfortable around her when she used language that was hurtful of any racial groups and that when she did so not only did I think less of her, but I didn't want to be around her and I did care about her a lot. She tried to explain that as a child she, her family and her friends used this term all the time. I told her I couldn't be around her if she continued using hurtful language. It took me about two months to finally come to talk with her about this. I didn't want to end our friendship, but I could no longer stand to hear such vulgar comments.

Similarly, she has made comments about transgendered individuals and she is not aware of my trangender status as I selectively choose who I share my formerly male status with. I have explained to her how difficult it must be for people of gender and sexual orientation to deal with their identities and as in racial aspects I think it is important to be understanding of their issues rather than to denounce their lifestyles or display our ignorance by use of vulgar language. At least in this case, my friend has ceased the use of vulgarity and I've thanked her for that. In addition she seems to have taken my concerns to heart as we've had some good discussions since then particularly about transgender issues.

Though it took a lot of strength and time on my part to deal with these issues I found it impossibe to stand idly by any longer. I came to the conclusion I could no longer have a friend who could be so cruel. I'm glad I took the time and effort to deal with this.

Karan

[Mary Morgan]

Just turn the other cheek and wait for a more opportune moment. My dad always warned me about picking battles and the time to fight them. I'm pretty sure that prejudice is really fear that grows out of ignorance. As you said, these people are probably good hearted, but prejudice is what it is and it is never right. You must decide if this is a battle to fight and if it is a battle that can be won and of course, what the cost will be. I suggest you leave this one to your husband.

[Kelly DeWinter]

When I found out last April that my Husband was a CD, I had NO IDEA the very worst part of it would be his family.

My H's parents and uncle just finished up a fairly long family holiday visit. We took them out to a restaurant where we saw a GG and her CD partner, who were later met up with another CDer. This all happened a few feet from our table and my in-laws looked on with great interest.

The uncle kept calling them "flamers," and I would correct him. Over and over. Then the next day, my father-in-law, out of the blue said, "I am glad none of my sons are gay." I assured him that were that the case, he would surely love his sons unconditionally anyway. Throughout the trip, his mother bristled uncomfortably with disapproval over her state's recent gay marriage acceptance. And she pretended to get scared in Key West when we strolled past gay bars and drag queens.

I believed all three of them are good, compassionate, and loving people. I believe that should the day ever come that my H is brave enough to come out of the closet, they would embrace him and immediately change their behavior. But they also find this sort of gay and tran bashing quite amusing among themselves. And if I get defensive at all, they seem to think I am just being a sanctimonious liberal hippie (who are always fun to tweak), and they will make even more jokes to get a rise out of it.

I only realized just this week how this sort of behavior has been a major presence in my husband's life - I honestly never noticed before. Perhaps I used to laugh with them, an idea that now makes me a little ill to think about it. But now, it is SO INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to watch this play out and keep my mouth shut. My husband is really good at "playing along," but I know this must deeply hurt him.

How do you guys handle this sort of thing? And how do your wives manage not to slap your insensitive friends or family members when faced with such behavior?

I've read and reread this post probably 30 times, something was bothering me, I finaly figured it out. I've market the spots in red. I've had a similar issue with a family member, here is the issue. THEY KNOW ! or at the very least highly suspect something. There are too many red flags to pardon the pun. it's been brought up so many times in different ways, that they seem to be baiting and daring you to say something. I think you missed an opportunity to level the playing field for your husband. I have a brother who stayed at my house one weekened and found my book "My Husband Betty", He spent the next three days expounding on the 'evils' of the GLBTG agenda and how wrong everything way. Finaly I had enough and told him where i stood (lol 2-3 days a week in high heels), He got this perplexed look on his face and said "Oh , OK No big deal". There was no crisis , we still see each other when he's in town or i'm in his neighborhood. and it';s been just that "No big deal".

I'd talk things over with your husband, it might be time to have 'the talk'. If they stopped being friendly relative, you have'nt lost anything more then two biggots in your life.

Kelly

P.S. I know some will feel this is not right, but why have a long visit from someone who spends thire time upsetting you.

P.P.S. I so admire you for standing by your dear husband. Kisses to the both of you.

P.P.P.S. I'm done

[Starla]

It comes from fear and ignorance. Ignorance can be fixed. But the ignoramus must want to learn. Remember that kid in school who would not listen no matter what? You can't teach that type of person. In this case they have a frame of reference that is based on years of misinformation.

That's the saddest thing for me -- so many people reach a certain point, not too long into adulthood, at which their beliefs, prejudices, and misconceptions become fixed and unmovable, preserved in amber like some insect specimen. I have never understood that. I live every day for learning something new. I constantly challenge myself, exposing myself to all sorts of information and viewpoints. And let me tell you, in the course of my just over a half-century on this planet, I have had MANY strongly held beliefs turned 180 degrees because I was willing to learn, and to admit when I was wrong.

My mother is on in-home hospice care. When they were setting things up, the administrator told me that many elderly patients AND their families adamantly refuse to have nurses, aides, or other hospice workers in their homes that are black, hispanic, or male. I expressed head-shaking amazement at this, pointing out that "geez, you know it's 2010; it's the 21st Century!" She responded, "That's the thing -- for them, it's not 2010; their minds are still stuck somewhere decades in the past. The calendar moved; they didn't."

[Jilmac]

I believe ignorance breeds intolerance (or is it the other way around?) and the only way to combat it is by educating those who are ignorant. Do some research to see if you can find any stats on famous people who have occasion to crossdress. Then ask your in-laws if they think those people are "flamers". It seems to me that all they know is what they see on programs like Jerry Springer and his ilk. The people on those shows are usually the exception rather than the rule. If you can provide them with positive illustrations of everyday people who enjoy crossdressing, that might be a baby step in winning them over.

[BethCD]

I've often heard a saying that "stupid people don't know that they are stupid.....'
Beth

[t-girlxsophie]

Im sorry to say I dont find anything good,compassionate or loving about your husbands familys attitude.a bigot is a bigot,Perhaps they need a lesson in common human decency,thank goodness he has you in his corner

Sophie

[Vickie_CDTV]

The way I figure it, the easy way to handle it is to change the subject. You can try to educate them about TGism, but they probably won't listen and you would be wasting your breath. Until they find out about their son's crossdressing and it hits home, it is just an academic argument to them.

It might be a good idea to not even tell them about it, unless they have to know for some reason (or he wants to go fulltime etc.)

[JohnH]

Then ask your in-laws if they think those people are "flamers". It seems to me that all they know is what they see on programs like Jerry Springer and his ilk. The people on those shows are usually the exception rather than the rule. If you can provide them with positive illustrations of everyday people who enjoy crossdressing, that might be a baby step in winning them over.

Ah yes - Jerry Springer. People who go on his show thinking their problems will be solved is like trying to fight a fire by pouring gasoline on it.

Johanna

[Fab Karen]

Your husband PLAYS ALONG with them? Wow. He should see a therapist.

P.S. guess no-one told them Key West is a gay vacation spot.

Im sorry to say I dont find anything good,compassionate or loving about your husbands familys attitude.a bigot is a bigot,Perhaps they need a lesson in common human decency,thank goodness he has you in his corner

[SIZE="5"]Right on.[/SIZE]

[linda allen]

In my opinion is to "Just smile and nod your head"

I discovered many moons ago that you cannot teach or explain anything to the terminally ignorant.

Correct. And as people get older, they often become set in their ways. There is no cure.

I have a lot of problems with my father in law. Not on crossdressing, it's never come up, but on many other issues. I only visit about three times a year and have learned to just ignore the situation, change the subject, or walk away.

I can only imagine if I showed up one day looking like my avatar!

[Michaela42]

As many have mentioned on this post, learning and acceptance have to start with want. No one ever became a mathematician because they had to, deep down they wanted to. The same can be said about accepting 'alternate' lifestyles. Sadly most people do not want to learn or change and so there will always be bigotry and ignorance. Just remember to pick your battles carefully as not every one of them can be won, or should even be fought.

[Bethany38]

[SIZE=4]This kind of ignorance is the sort of thing that all of us have dealt with. My Father never knew. My Mom knows but that is it she is the Queen if Denial. No one wants me to tell my Step-Father, I agree with this one. My Wife is very under standing, as is my Son. Surprisingly my Father-in-law is cool w/it. I have people all over the spectrum w/ this thing We call cross-dressing. I have found that the people whom really have healthy lives and Psyche's are the ones who deal w/it best. So it kind of gives me a little knowledge as to who and what I am dealing with when it comes to outing myself. If it is someone I don't know, I don't care if they know or not. Really if we think about it the people who are totally against our lifestyle, are people(as much as it pains us) we can do without. We usually wind up with them either not knowing, or drifting away from us either by their design or ours. I guess we really have to just keep on keepin on. Oh Wow I just dated my-self...[/SIZE]

[Kate Lynn]

I ignore them,have been ignoring them for over 10 years,I no longer call them on holidays,or any other occasions,I have no desire to hear any of their voices.

It works for me.

[Kate Simmons]

With a slap upside the head usually.