Quote Originally Posted by Babeba View Post
I think the problem is a few unrealistic expectations in here. Your wife is incapable of having sex that stimulates her nerve endings in her genitals. That is something which you are either going to have to change how you are wired sexually (pretty darn difficult, but the most important organ for orgasm is the brain; I'm sure that you could convolutedly try something to that effect though it may take a long time).

Second unrealistic expectation: your wife can go outside the marriage to meet a need with another human being and you cannot...
Babeba, you're pretty much right on all counts. I guess I feel a little bit like I imagine some of the SO's/spouses of CD's must feel. I've given my agreement to this behavior, now I don't feel like I can go back on that agreement to any extent, especially when my wife is as fragile emotionally as I know she is.

As far as the origins of my "Shining Knight Syndrome", I think most of that comes from a few factors: being bullied growing up (not for effeminate appearance or behavior, but because I was your classic introverted dorky nerd), escaping that bullying by reading countless fantasy novels, and by being raised by parents who instilled the importance of treating women with respect.


Quote Originally Posted by Erica2Sweet View Post
Hi Jamie. It appears the corner you've painted yourself in has a few landmines strewn about. You seem very intelligent, so I suspect you know that your involvement with the ex, is ground that has to be treaded-on very lightly, or it could turn ugly fast. The last thing you need right now is to fall into bed with your ex. Even if it were to be with your wife's blessing, I think the repercussions would be life-changing in a very bad way in terms of your marriage.
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The absolute worst thing you two could do at this point is to fall into bed with peripheral people and ignore your feelings. I've seen this play out and it will turn into a s**tstorm of epic proportions if you do not heed what I write in this paragraph! Do NOT maintain relationships and have sex outside of the marriage unless there is agreement AND balance in terms of the rules in which you two are operating. Did I mention honesty?
Erica, believe me I know the worst thing I could do right now is to fall in bed with someone else. I really think I would be ok with my wife having a girlfriend as long as the relationship between my wife and I were more healthy. Honestly, the reason I've latched on to my ex is because she is the first person I've come out to outside of the house. I actually intend to remedy that tonight in a small way, as a baby step towards coming out to some other folks that I might trust enough.

What I'm coming to realize I need right now are two things:

First and foremost a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I'm not sure how to go about that, but I'm definitely going to renew my efforts in that area. Unfortunately although counseling is covered under our insurance, we can't really even afford the copays for her to be in individual counseling at the same time either I'm in individual counseling or we're in couple's counseling.

Secondarily, I need someone I can share the "innocent" part of Jamie with: the makeup advice, the shopping, etc. That means I need to either meet some new people or at least come out to a few more folks that I know I can trust. I'm starting down that road tonight.

As far as Jamie in the bedroom, I can't even be sure that's something that would be as much fun after the novelty wore off, so it's not worth risking my marriage on what could be just a brief fling of experimentation. Yeah I know, it's likely not "just a phase", but there's still a chance it could be. There will definitely be no outside sex on my part until after the wife and I are back on more stable ground in our physical relationship.