how did this all start??,and wy??

[silkesh]

well i don't talk much here, but tonight I've had a some drinks and I'm having some thoughts i need to share.
ok i am such a guy most of the time and if you talked o me on the street, or you are my friend and you dont really now me,and even if you do you would think what the hell '',he seams like such a normal guy to me.
and like a normal guy in my day to day life ,i almost forget that I'm a crossdresser,that is until i get home alone and then i start to feal feminin,and my mind goes into some of my fantacys.
what I'm getting at is sometimes i have a real hard time trying to figure out why i dress and most of the time i don't dress but i want to.
and this is not something that just started with me.
my first memory of crossing was wen i was 5/6 years old, i remember putting on my moms lipstick. i remember wishing that i could go to school as a girl.
but more importantly i wanted to be a girl.
and to be honest about things that has not changed I'm going to try and shorten this thread,what I'm getting at is why do i feal so much like a guy and so much like a girl?I'm just asking if any of you feal the same?
for me its like I'm split right in half,but one cant deal with the outher.anyway i bought this computer and i found this site two weeks ago.
I've bin alone with my dressing to deal with it totally alone for 29 years
and i haven't faird so well.
i think i just want to know where i fit in to all this.
anything that u have to say or share i would like to hear it
and by the way i had never seen a real cross dresser before two weeks ago and you all look so great i hope that in time i will have the balls too post some picks thanks for reading this thread

[charllote34]

Hey after i have a few drinks and start posting i can type the back legs off a donkey ! No seriously i find i always tell my true thoughts after a few glasses of wine

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Silkesh, nice question. There is no one answer, we all dress for a variety of reasons. You mention about being a normal guy. What is "normal" really? I don't think there is any such animal. Everyone is an individual and all of us, no matter who or what we are have our own quirks. Maybe it's more like what is normally accepted.

Some of us, the brave few, have had the guts to venture outside the "box" society attempts to put us in by genetic sex. We are in touch with our feelings, whether erotic or more peaceful and know real life is just not about everything being "black and white". I refuse to be told how to act by people who are clueless and who don't even listen to their own feelings. Of course, as a consequence of this, we are feared and marked by the "normal" people who say: "Hey, there is something wrong with this guy, he dresses up like a woman." The same is true for the transmasculine guys and other TG folks. Seems everyone wants to "help" us. Thanks but no thanks I say, I'm good.

The point is I'm in touch with myself and far more comfortable that many mainstream people and I am not afraid to be myself. I don't go around constantly wearing a dress, wig and makeup but then again I don't have to but it's an option I always have. For me, it's developed into a fun way of expressing myself and it's nice to have friends that don't think it's a big deal and rather than fight it, I've learned to use it to my advantage.

Regardless of why we do it, it's our attitude that makes the difference. We can either look at it as a disadvantage(and be negative) or an advantage(and be positive). I choose the last one and when you think about it, there are a lot of things that are much worse we could be doing. Works for me.

[scarlet]

Welcome to our community. Until I came across this site I thought I was alone. Now I realise I'm not. Take your time and talk to people here and figure out for yourself where you fit in to this wonderful world and enjoy. But again welcome and glad you found us.

[lisa_e_love]

Hi! Welcome to the board!

I thought, since you're struggling with figuring out your feelings, that I'd share a little bit of my own experience.

I started very young when I rifled through some of my sister's old clothes and discovered how much I liked the lacy, frilly feeling. Now that I'm in college, I see my crossdressing as a deep part of me and a form of personal expression. I know how you feel about fantasizing - during times when I couldn't dress I would see skirts and high heeled shoes and just dream of how elegant and beautiful it must feel.

I have always been a creative person - I write songs and I make short movies. Naturally, I have a desire to be creative with my appearance. Mostly, I crossdress for a soft, feminine feeling because I am, admittedly, a very feminine person who shies away from the dog-eat-dog world of men in suits acting important. But there is some part of me that crossdresses because I can create something beautiful out of my body. I can take it from its normal, blond, bedhead, slightly scruffy self to a curvaceous, elegant brunette.

A lot of people think us CDs just sit around in panties and drool all day. It's not true. We have a very constructive lifestyle - we create beauty out of a male image that isn't supposed to be beautiful, but can be through the expression of our inner femininity.

Lots of love,
Lisa

[paulaN]

Hi silkesh and welcome. Heck no your not alone. Many of us have felt that way including myself. This forum is a giant pool if imformation. Use it. It's a real big help to all of us here.

I think the hard part is going to find that balance and or direction to head in. That is up to you. So poke around here and learn. Live and learn. Have fun. This forum will help you I'm sure. I wish I had the internet when I was younger. I know it helps to know that I am not alone now. So hang in there and grow with us.

[Angie G]

I tend hot to think why I just love and need to dress and don't care why it just makes life a better place for me And the great thing about it ismy wife is OK with it
Angie

[christina marie]

Hi and welcome! it sure can be tough trying to sort this out all on your own, but you have come to the right place. read,listen and learn! the worst is over now,just knowing i was not alone made a world of difference for me, hope it does for you too!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Morning sis,


Yep, I can relate....WAY TOO MUCH. If I can't figure myself out then trying to tell you why you are who you are is hopeless. Just know you have found a home, with tons of sisters who are so much like yourself.


Emily Ann

[Carol A]

Hard question to give a perfect answer as there is no true answer. For me all my life I was unhappy with myself and told my mother as I cry how I wished I was a girl. Anyway I have been crossdressing for over 40 years as it's what I want to do.

The wife (love her) understands and has been a big help all my life, she treats me no different how ever I am dressed.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I understand what you are going through I often feel the same way. I almost describe myself as being 55% male and 45% female with the female side growing more and more each day.

[docrobbysherry]

Hi and welcome! it sure can be tough trying to sort this out all on your own, but you have come to the right place. read,listen and learn! the worst is over now,just knowing i was not alone made a world of difference for me, hope it does for you too!

I think Christina said it very well. I'm learning more about myself and my CDing every day on this site. But the important thing, is knowing I'm not alone. After years of keeping my secret of dressing all to myself!
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[Brenda's Friend]

I have absolutly no idea why I have this urge to dress. I have no desire to be a girl, but I so love to dress. It's just clothes! But I think about it all the time. I really wish I had an answer.

BF

[Ðarissa]

I don't really feel split in half and I feel like my masculine and femme sides are more mixed together. Took me awhile to realize this fact tho and like some of the other girls here have mentioned, I'm still learning about myself and CDing.

The reason we want to wear lipstick, wear dresses and slip into some sheer stockings is no different than why we want to ride bikes through the woods or go shopping for wigs or play video games or want to play some pool with the guys..... or want to grab a beer and watch Seinfeld, etc..... it's just a bunch of stuff that our masculine and feminine sides are attracted to. Nobody can tell you why you feel the desire to ride a mountain bike down a forested path with the sunlight shining through the trees where the birds are singing on a warm day.... it's just an enjoyable thing to do and you can describe it as enjoyable or peaceful or fun or whatever you want. Same goes with crossdressing, you do it because deep down the desire is there and nobody can tell you why it's there..... it just is. Nobody can tell me why I like to build jigsaw puzzles.... I just like them and they're fun and there doesn't need to be a better reason than that. Accept who you are and realize that you and only you know what things in this world are the ones you want to do. Your CDing doesn't hurt anybody and it's silly to think that we need a reason to justify it beyond the fact that we want to CD and like it. That's how I see it anyways. Embrace your femme side and tell her I said go girl!

Hehe Think about it....I like photography and I hope my family doesn't find out! LOL. OMG He has a 35MM and he's into TRIPODS!!!!! Why does he do it? Hahahaha. Just jokin'

[Albtraum]

Welcome Silkesh! I'm glad you finally decided to open up. It doesn't sound like it was easy for you to do and I sincerely hope it makes you feel better. Being honest is the best for all of us.

You're not hurting anyone but yourself when you try to deny the real you and when you express yourself, you're not hurting anyone at all.

Hope to see you around.

[Kris]

anything that u have to say or share i would like to hear it
and by the way i had never seen a real cross dresser before two weeks ago and you all look so great i hope that in time i will have the balls too post some picks thanks for reading this thread

Dear Sweet Shy Silkish,

You have seen a real cross dresser before, each time you looked in the mirror love! It's not like the other cross dressers are any different from you - well we all look different but I hope you understand my point here. You may have been in denial but it was still you - a cross dresser from the sound of it.

Welcome! Glad to see you on the board and reading and not feeling so alone anymore. This is a wonderful place to gain knowledge, support, and a place to vent! The sisters here are wonderful and supportive and so is everyone else for that matter.

I think that being a girl, dressing up, and playing girlie stuff is fun for everyone and society as a whole ought not to have strict gender roles period. It is fun for girls to dress up, it is fun for boys to dress up. I think that it takes amazing courage to dress in womens clothing when you are a man and it's something to be proud of.


Kris

[joann07]

When I was growning up, I never had the urge to dress.
I was a typcal kid, growing up in the late 70's and early 80's, who watched cartoons, such as GI Joe, Transformers, Robotech, etc; rode a bike; played sandlot football; played with model cars; played arcade games and Atari; and other typical toys for boys.
However, at some point, I developed a fetish for women's feet and pantyhose.
Through grade school, I would take a pair of my mother's pantyhose (She'd leave in the laundry room) and sneak them into my bedroom then slip them on. In college, and early adult life, I didn't get to wear them as much since I always had a roomate so I didn't have much privacy other than when I came back home.

When I started living on my own, I realized I had the privacy and freedom to do whatever I wanted so I started wearing pantyhose more regularly. I wore them as much as I could, then I started getting interested into clothing so I started buying my own shoes and then panties, then bra's, skirts, tops, and so on and so on. While doing all that, I also tried finding sites about pantyhose fetishes, but only found a site called Stockings HQ (which is now defunct) and met another crossdresser. She told me about the her dressing and how she went to her first Tri-Ess meet then she told me about a local one in my area and so I checked it out. Well, I went to my first meeting last October and then went out in public, in Feb 2007, which leads to where I am today.

[Chiana]

My public side is pretty darn macho. Race cars, ride motorcycles at ridiculous speeds (on a track, of course), love shooting sports, scratch golfer, etc. I am very competitive in everything I do. While my feminine side is such a contrast. Actually, in drag, I am somewhat of a feminist. Woman's rights and all that. I have to chuckle inside when I am talking on the phone with one of my friends about motorcycle racing or something similar and I am sitting there in a short lavender dress, wearing my boobs, wig, make-up, heels, etc. What a wonderful life this is.... "If they could see me now." Gotta luv it.

You just need to accept it and enjoy yourself. No sense in putting yourself through a lot of unneccesary anguish.

[Billijo49504]

I too am pretty normal. I have 2 arms, legs, eyes and a few other things. And at age 60, if it still works, it probably hurts most of the time. Oh, 10 toes and fingers too!!! So except for the 40C boobs that grew since I had my thyroid cancer surgery, I feel normal...BJ

[Edwina]

I also tried finding sites about pantyhose fetishes, but only found a site called Stockings HQ (which is now defunct) .

Not so Joann it is still very much alive but they don't like pantiehose, being a stockings site.

But I share the progression from stockings to panties to bras etc. story. Still don't know why but don't really care anymore. I just consider myself "normal"



Edwina

[valery]

I found myself a bit in your posting. I(am) also feel often as a guy and I do like it, but valery is 50% or more of me and she's not easy to handle, it's a girl, damn, so she takes her rights and her place and that's good because she offers me things I would never want to miss again. (schizophrenia, no because she is/was allways there and he is too, it's the same person). I'm not fitting to the descriptions and rules some people (lot of idiots???) wrote down in history before, and that's all I think. It's hard to live in this world that is described by others (powerfull people), but I will not let her die, I can't, she's that 50% or even more of me. So if she has to die I'll be dead as a person too. Often more I really have to do it the other way arround and say to myself, o.k. this day you are the guy and not the girl.
I stopped thinking about the "why" and all those things, because no one can tell me what is "normal" and what's not. So why should I think about rules somebody made who might/surely did not even knew what he was doing. The only thing I really care about is about our standing in this world, to survive and how we can live better and easier, more accepted, tolerance etc. Most of everything in this world I would call 'not normal' and sick - from my point of view, but they title it normal. My dog is not making any difference if I'm the guy or the girl, so I also stopped to make a different thing out of that in my head. Why the world is still doing it, think we all know, fear and power. There is no real truth, only descriptions and pictures done by a few, smashed into our brains, to make people beliefe in things, their world, or themselfe or mostly to follow those leaders. Usually as force, money, power etc. are very attractive things, there was a day someone started to make those rules, pictures and classes and that's it. Where do we come from, where do we go, what are we meant to be or to do? No one can answer that truely. The bible says nothing about crossdressers and I stopped to crucify myself with those thinkings. Anyway I always knew that I'm something in between and that I love this girl in me. Everybody has male and female genes and I love them both. And what I allways wanted to say, girls use it to get what you want/need and if you have to be the guy for a day that's still o.k., because that doesn't mean that you deny you real identity, you're just doing a trick to get what you want. Genetic Girls do that, so we can do it.

For me there was no start, it was allways there, there was only the day when I allowed myself to be what I am. I didn't change or catch disease I just bacame true and real and stopped to be a fake - a functioning small wheel.

[ColleenShivas]

Welcome to the site, Silkesh. You will find many kindred spirits here.

Everybody has male and female genes and I love them both.

My wife and I describe my "condition" as gender-enhanced. I am in a relatively competitive profession where being male is usually an advantage. Occasionally there is a situation where I find myself asking "what would Colleen do"? This is my female side in stealth mode, since I still dare not reveal anything about her except her/my different insight.

There are probably many sensitive genetic males who do not feel the need to express their feminine side through dressing, but it still p****s me off that society dictates what is acceptable attire. In the meantime, I enjoy dressing at home, and using my stealth advantage outside.

[Stephanie Anne]

Well I never liked sexual and gender stereo types so instead I pretty much take what I like from both.

I am a very assertive person who just happens to not have the same inner perceprtion as outer appearance. So since I am free to choose my own way to live, I have chosen to not live in denial of what I really wish to be. I gravitate toward being more woman than man and as such have decided right or wrong to slowly and in no rush transition out of my male shell toward the female.

One thing I have learned is that asking myself why is awaste of mental energy that I need to spend on dealing with the uphill battle of being trans. I feel born wrong, I now feel the need and have the means to correct that and along the way, I hope to correct the years of regret that I built around being different.

If tomorrow I could live full time without the fear of rejection and isolation (hey, I am still human and flawed ), I would do it and never look back. Is is such a shame we can't just fit in society without having to be labeld and perverts or mentally disturbed.

[Sheri 4242]

Well, let me add my "welcome." You are among some very good people who are here to share, help, learn, educate, and grow.

Most of us that are "mtf crossdressers" have no idea why we are what we are. We have theories and ideas, some strong and some weak. But, in the main, we are who we are, and we are a growing, loving, fun group!!! We can get very serious, then turn around and be quite lighthearted. All-in-all, we are a group who is finding power in numbers!!! Anyway, welcome!!!

[Lucypink]

I was pretty much the same as you when I was 29, I was still living with my parents but had a long weekend for my own. Back then I had a computer at home but It was until 4 years ago that I found that I was not the only one with this hobby. So after that I have been trying to look better each time I dress. For now, This is how I like it and I have too a "normal" man life. Don't worry you are not the only one and there is nothing to be ashame of. (I hope I spelled it correctly)

Hugs and Welcome.

Lucy