I found myself a bit in your posting. I(am) also feel often as a guy and I do like it, but valery is 50% or more of me and she's not easy to handle, it's a girl, damn, so she takes her rights and her place and that's good because she offers me things I would never want to miss again. (schizophrenia, no because she is/was allways there and he is too, it's the same person). I'm not fitting to the descriptions and rules some people (lot of idiots???) wrote down in history before, and that's all I think. It's hard to live in this world that is described by others (powerfull people), but I will not let her die, I can't, she's that 50% or even more of me. So if she has to die I'll be dead as a person too. Often more I really have to do it the other way arround and say to myself, o.k. this day you are the guy and not the girl.
I stopped thinking about the "why" and all those things, because no one can tell me what is "normal" and what's not. So why should I think about rules somebody made who might/surely did not even knew what he was doing. The only thing I really care about is about our standing in this world, to survive and how we can live better and easier, more accepted, tolerance etc. Most of everything in this world I would call 'not normal' and sick - from my point of view, but they title it normal. My dog is not making any difference if I'm the guy or the girl, so I also stopped to make a different thing out of that in my head. Why the world is still doing it, think we all know, fear and power. There is no real truth, only descriptions and pictures done by a few, smashed into our brains, to make people beliefe in things, their world, or themselfe or mostly to follow those leaders. Usually as force, money, power etc. are very attractive things, there was a day someone started to make those rules, pictures and classes and that's it. Where do we come from, where do we go, what are we meant to be or to do? No one can answer that truely. The bible says nothing about crossdressers and I stopped to crucify myself with those thinkings. Anyway I always knew that I'm something in between and that I love this girl in me. Everybody has male and female genes and I love them both. And what I allways wanted to say, girls use it to get what you want/need and if you have to be the guy for a day that's still o.k., because that doesn't mean that you deny you real identity, you're just doing a trick to get what you want. Genetic Girls do that, so we can do it.
For me there was no start, it was allways there, there was only the day when I allowed myself to be what I am. I didn't change or catch disease I just bacame true and real and stopped to be a fake - a functioning small wheel.
