My mom and I had a fight about my CDing

[Christina Horton]

I called my mom today and I asked her if she had thought about letting me dress as Christina over Christmas. I had asked her to think about it a month ago, she said she would but she did not. She has a very big problem with it but I thought she was getting better. Well it's turns out she seams to even more of a problem with now. It does not help when my sister let it slip that I am getting ride of my beard. She won't except Christina at all now. My sis is gay i'm not , and she has I easer time with that then this. Then when I told her again that I have known since I was 4 , she said (I think it's bull s@&t) so I said you think I am lieing to you why would I do that . She said I don't that your lieing,then I said yes you do if you think it's bs. Then she said so why do just get a sex change , I said cuz I don't want one I still like being a guy. Well it's safe to say she will never want my to dress in her home town , because I might be hard for HER!!!!!!! I had asked her if I could get dressed down stairs so she won't have to see , but she won't even let me dress her town. Then I called my sis but she got me upset so I called my dad. I had a hard time talking for the first 5 min cuz I was crying so hard. But he helped me I stop crying and we had a good talk. He also has a prob with it but he at least trys to understand it. And that all I ask of mom, she had 17 years to get used to it but still won't budge. Well that's my sob story for today. WHAT can I do or say to my mom that would open her mind. Even a little bit. Help me girlsl. Lots of help. Thanks girls. Huggs

Christina is sad.

[battybattybats]

There are lots of good points you could try and make, how her love for you should be more important than embarassment or discomfort, how she should accept you unconditionally etc and there are lots of analogies you could raise.

However you'll have to try and cope with th possibility that she may never accept at all or that if she does it could take years for her to do so.

Often to accept things like this takes personal journeys or insights that you cant provide her. something she may see or that someone else may say could give her such a revelation but if things are already antagonistic its possible anything you provide her with could be rejected as simply an attempt to win the fight.

Try and take things slowly with her, try and give her time for the anger of the fight to subside so that you can try to build the empathy back up that will help her develop understanding in the long term.

[Nicole Erin]

Interesting. It is usually the dad who has a problem, if either parent does.
Women, and especially mom, are usually a bit more sensitive to this.

The only thing I can really say is if you are not living with her, then frankly, there isn't a whole lot she can do.

If you are staying with her, then just try to do your dressing somewhere that she won't see or know about it..

MAn I don't know, I would imagine this is one of the rare cases where mom just doesn't accept. Maybe for all moms if they had their druthers they would prefer no CD'ing but to outright reject it?

Well I must say you are a bigger person than me cause if someone in my family said some snide ass crap like "why don't you just get a sex change?" I would have said something that would have started a REAL fight so you have good restraint in not saying something...

[mykhelee]

I can't say that this is so, but you gave a clue as to your mother not wanting you to dress in her town because of how it will affect her. Perhaps your mother believes that her friends and neighbors will think poorly of her parenting skills because of how you "turned out". Self absorption is a most wonderful method of denial. Maybe she can't accept you because she is afraid of how she will be percieved by others. Both of my parents passed before I came out to my family, I have no idea how my mother would have reacted, my father and I would most likely have came to blows.
I wish you the best in all of this, may you find the peace you deserve.

[KathrynTX]

She sounds like she's pretty much dead set against it.

You might have to forgo dressing for the sake of family harmony. It pains me to say that, but that might be your only option. I couldn't possibly hope to dress at a family get together. The results would be disastrous.

It does seem a little hypocritical that your mom is ok with your sister's orientation but can't accept your lifestyle choice.

I wish I could say something that would help your mom more accepting.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

it helps that in my case EVERYONE knows i wear pantyhose,,some know i wear more

while it would be nice if i could wear a nice skirt and my heels to christmas parties i wont as if i did i would be freezing as those parties would be taking place in Michigan where i grew up and all my relatives still live....

[Andrea85]

Wow. I'm so sorry. Stories like yours make me soooo scared to tell my parents. That's not happening anytime soon, but they'll have to know since I plan on transitioning. I wish you luck with your parents.


,
Andrea.

[ReineD]

WHAT can I do or say to my mom that would open her mind. Even a little bit. Help me girlsl. Lots of help. Thanks girls. Huggs

Christina is sad.

If during the course of the last 17 years you have repeatedly attempted to talk to your mother then there is the possibility, as Batty said, that she may never accept this. But, if it is coming up for the first time in years as the result of your recent coming out to other family and friends, it may well be worth providing her with some resources.

There is a Stickie Thread at the top of the M2F section, entitled How to Tell Your Partner. I think it offers excellent advice for having the talk with your parents too. Your mother, just like a spouse, needs reassurance that she is not losing the son she knows and loves.

Education is key. If you can be very clear in your mind and read everything you can about CDing and gender issues, as the article points out, then you are in a better position to dispel any false beliefs your mother may have about CDing.

I also think it is not a good idea to have conversations like this over the phone. You have a better chance of letting your mother see and feel what is in your heart in person, when you have a heartfelt conversation about what CDing means to you. She may think you have a choice in the matter. Could you use the time this Christmas to address this face to face with your mom in a gentle way, with some understanding of her feelings. You could ask her why she doesn't want to know about this part of you. Then you might explain that you hid it from her and everyone else for years because of guilt and shame (assuming this is what you felt), but you can no longer do this. You might tell her you are willing to answer any questions she may have.

Also, could your father intervene on your behalf and also talk to her?

While in her home, assuming you are visiting her for an extended period, I would respect her wish that you not dress or go out in public for now. But, you could rent a hotel room in the next town over for a weekend if being at your mom's is too long a time to go without dressing.

I wish you and your mother all the best.

[Sammy777]

And if that still doesn't work.........

You can always have them over your house next year for the holidays.
Your house, your town, your rules.

[sterling12]

OK, so you won't get to dress en femme for The Holidays. It's no doubt disappointing, but your an adult and I bet you can live with it. You are compromising to keep peace in The Family. YOU are doing The "Big Girl Thing!" You will be the better person for doing it.

Life and families are filled with compromises. While your at The House, I would think about the other 364 days of the year when you don't have to satisfy anyone but yourself. By the way, go buy yourself something very frilly and girly, something that you would love to own. Wrap it up in paper and ribbons and put a tag on it addressed to yourself from Santa. Now here's the very cool part, open that present just before you head over to Mom's. You should have a smile on your face, and be ready to cope with all that stress and craziness that often is a part of Christmas with The Family.

All part of my to be written book: "Mental Hygiene for The Transgendered." Soon to be available in Bus Station Restrooms everywhere!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[karinels]

I, as you have, have told my parents about my dressing. I do not push the issue, and even though I do underdress at holidays sometimes, I havent pushed them to let me dress for those occasions.

I have let them know that dressing is a major part of my life, and both seem accepting of this. But my mom does inform me as to 'what I need' as far as what she thinks I should be doing at any time, and none of her suggestions involve my needs. This has went on for years, and even after multiple occasions of having to explain to her that I was home when she tried to visit unexpectantly, but I did not answer the door because I don't feel she could or would be civil to what she saw, she still shows up unannounced.

These facts along with the fact that she would not travel with my dad and myself to the west coast to meet her newest granddaughter (my brothers firstborn and my pride and joy), I simply do not have any more to do with her than I have to.

My mom is stuck in her world, what she wants, when she wants it. I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like your mom is the same way. Tolerant as long as it does not threaten her security, which is understandable to an extent, but if you are like me, you heard her say enough times that she would do anything, anything to help her children. But my mom only helps us when it fits her agenda.

I hope I didnt read too much into your situation, but theres a taste of mine.

HUGS TO ALL!!!

[PamelaTX]

I think this is a really tough problem. My first comment would be to be proud of who you are and don't apologize or act guilty about it. Be respectful and loving, but don't back down. Some parents have a hard time accepting that after a certain point they are no longer in control of their children's lives. My mother, in particular, was insistent that I follow her specific religious practices. First there was the fighting, screaming, and yelling. Then the tricks like "You're the only one who can take Gramma to church, because we're all busy." Then was the constant barrage of quiet but cutting comments, letters with religious tracts, etc. Then came the freeze-out where she sort-of "forgot she ever had me." Then finally, after many years (MANY years) she realized there was nothing she could do about it, and it wasn't any of her business anyway, and it was better to accept it than to lose a son. I imagine if the issue had been CDing rather than church it would have been much, much worse.

The only thing I can say is stay the course. You're a good person and you have friends here. Just be who you are and pray that she finally learns to accept you.

[suzy cool]

Would dressing cause the most discomfort to your Mum, or would NOT dressing cause the most discomfort to you? Which one of you is being unreasonable eh?

[TxKimberly]

Can I play the devil's advocate for a second and ask you to look at it from your mothers perspective? According to your profile, you are 37 and yet apparently asked for your mothers permission to cross dress. Clearly your old enough to make these decisions on your own and so I assume you asked her because you were concerned about HER feelings and opinion. Well, you asked, and she answered - she doesn't want to see it and perhaps does not want the complications that might arise if her friends and neighbors know about you. You asked and she gave you her honest opinion and feelings about it. It's not the answer and acceptance you had hoped for, but is it really so unreasonable of her?

[Christina Horton]

why is it that when I want my mother to take a step forward in her thinking of my dressing we need to have a fight to do it. She called me to day about one hour ago and said that she still won't like it buy she is willing to talk about it when I go over to the island for Christmas.

I asked her for permision to dress while I am there , because she lives on Vancouver Island and I live on the mainland. So it out of respect for her I asked. Even thought it still hurt me when she said no. Or more like NOoooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thank all of you for all the good advice. It has helped me lots. Lots off love and a big hugggggg to all of you wonderful girl (or is that Angels) for the help. I will keep you all posted. Bye.for now.

[Christina Horton]

well nothing has changed so I think I am going to have to bite the bullit and call it los cause.

[DanaR]

Can I play the devil's advocate for a second and ask you to look at it from your mothers perspective? According to your profile, you are 37 and yet apparently asked for your mothers permission to cross dress. Clearly your old enough to make these decisions on your own and so I assume you asked her because you were concerned about HER feelings and opinion. Well, you asked, and she answered - she doesn't want to see it and perhaps does not want the complications that might arise if her friends and neighbors know about you. You asked and she gave you her honest opinion and feelings about it. It's not the answer and acceptance you had hoped for, but is it really so unreasonable of her?

I have to agree with Kimberly. Your choices are go and visit and leave your girl stuff at home and visit your mother; or don't go, because she doesn't want to you as a girl.