Almost told my friend.

[AmberDay]

I almost told a close friend that I crossdress today. Just about everybody I know, knows about my crossdressing. Several friends, my brother, my sister, my neighbors, my parents, my in-laws, and even our family cat knows that I have a feminine side. Work doesn't know, and there are only four people close to me that doesn't know I crossdress, three of them are my kids and the fourth is a very close friend. When I 'came out' to my friends two years ago I got a surprising reaction. I was expecting to get that, "Oh, that is allright, I am your friend no matter what you wear." Instead I got, "Oh, really? Um, I wish you didn't tell me that, why did you?" I did lose one friend completely who called me a name that rhymes with bag. Shortly after that I became friends with a coworker, Beth. We have grown very close the last couple of years. With the exception of my wife, I never felt this close to anybody. She gave me a lot of tips at work, traded days off with me so I was able to go on vacation, and she covered for me when I made a BIG mistake at work. We have a lot in common and there is some type of natural bond that developed between us. I look after her like she was my little sister and she calls me her big brother. We both came from military families, we both have the same political views, and we both lost a child at six months old. Today was her birthday and I took her out to lunch. We ate, chatted, I gave her a gift, and went for a walk downtown.

DISCLAIMER: No doubt there are some 'Hollier than Thous!' in here
who will chastize me for being married and having a female friend. To settle everyone down, she is only a friend and nothing more. We don't do anything 'unholy'. If my wife is my bestfriend than that would make Beth my bestbuddy. My wife knows her and has no problems with it. She even helped pick out Beth's birthday present. My wife has her guy friends she hangs out with. So please don't start chucking the bibles.

Back on topic; I mentioned to my wife before I left to pick up Beth for lunch that I was going to tell her about me. My wife sat down and asked why. I explained that she knows everything else about me. And I don't want to keep secrets from her. My wife pointed out everybody else's reaction was negative, and since I have such a close bond with her, why risk breaking it? That did get me thinking. What would I gain by telling her? Then my wife pointed out that Beth more than likely has things she hasn't told me and won't ever tell me. My wife made a great point. How open should friends be with each other? Yes Beth and I are very close, but is it worth risking breaking us apart? My wife doesn't see how it could make us closer.

So Beth and I are walking downtown and we start talking about our week. The usual bus driver banter; making fun of drunk passengers, making fun of our supervisors, making fun of each other. I brought up the topic of transgender and crossdressers to get a feel for how she thought. She did find 'them' a little wierd, but had a 'to each their own' attitude. I asked if she knew anybody like that and with the exception of the rare transgendered passenger, Beth said no. She then asked if I knew anybody. I told her yes, I have another friend that is like that, and didn't say anything after that. We walked in quiet for a while and I kept going back and forth about telling her. She asked if there was anything wrong; I let the moment pass and the topic to change to something else. I drove her back to her house after the walk and went to work. I figured that she really doesn't need to know about me. Her life isn't going to improve by revealing myself to her. With having several friends who are awkward being around me, I decided I need to have one that still feels comfortable with me.

Thanks for letting me share this,

Amber

[sallyjones]

try halloween to break the ice. i went out with my guy friends on halloween and nobody said a word. i didnt come out to them and no one said anything else. i know halloween is still like a year away but just a thought.

[RachelDenise]

Sometimes the need to tell is overwhelming. But remember, you have people who know and accept you. You have a special relationship with Beth, there's no hurry to tell in my opinion. Give it time.

[Cari]

As long as she isnt hinting take your time.
if she starts hinting or asking leading questions then there is little point in not telling her.


Cari

[Jamie M]

i can totally understand your position. I too have come out to several friends over time and i guess i too was expecting this accpeting response. Whilst i didn't have any actually negative reactions , almost without exception it's been a case of...

"meh , well okay but lets not bring it up again shall we"

... so now with these friends i'm kinda of left feeling in this limbo , not knowing what they really think about it or if i ever should have brought it up at all. I wish i hadn't in many ways.

but therein lies the rub , who knows what way things will go if you don't try , when does the risk become too great ? We sometimes need to take that gamble and see how the dice roll. They may come up in our favour and if they do we get everything we've always wanted but are you prepared to risk crapping out as it were with this friend ? That's for you and you alone to decide i'm afraid. Whichever way you go i wish you luck and hugs

ps - as for your disclaimer i don't think it matters one little jot whatever gender your best friend may be , it only becomes a problem if it interferes in your marriage which obviously isn't the case here, good for you i say

[Laura Evans]

Ask yourself what is your intention in telling her? What do you hope to accomplish? Are you trying to improve the relationship or is it more of a need to tell? Depending on your answer, tell her or let the thoughts go.

[Christina Horton]

I have told my whole famliy and all of my close friends and the only person with a big prob with it is MOM . She stil love me and as long as we don't talk about it it's fine. If you tell Beth I think she will be fine with it AND you could bounce Ideas of her, it's your diss to tell her and since you have been burned before you may not want to tell her . it's up to you hun. good luck. HUGGS

[jessielee]

dear Amber,
i wish you all the best in this. i too am a bus driver and feel i can't come out to anybody. wyoming is a very ultra macho state.
with Julia i say "good for you" for upholding your marriage.
and i wish Beth seemed more open to your initial probings.
its hurts to not be able to let down our guards with those closest to us.
but if we weren't so marginalised by intoleance, we wouldn't need to hide, to spare those closest to us.
my heart goes out to you.
jessie

[Raquel June]

There are some things that you want to tell people because it'll make them happy, or they just need to know. The desire to open up to someone about something that might bother them is a selfish one, though.

For example, I'm sure most people will disagree, but "honesty" that will hurt someone is totally overrated and actually aggressive. If you cheated on your wife, that's your fault, and you need to live with the guilt. If you want to be a better person and stay in the relationship, the worst thing you can do is tell her. People do that kind of thing all the time because they think it makes it somehow better. Well, the dishonest thing was what you did in the first place, and now you have to live with it. You're a bad person and you did a bad thing. Dumping it on her only makes you both miserable.

Being a crossdresser isn't an evil secret that you should feel guilty about, so nobody should think any less of you for telling them. It's still all about you, though, and telling them would be for selfish reasons. You might freak them out.

Does being freaked out by crossdressing make them a bad person? That's for you to decide. If you couldn't respect someone who thought crossdressers were perverts, then you should tell all your friends. That way you'll know what type of people they really are.

But people's opinions on crossdressing are kinda up there with their opinions on politics and religion. There are a lot of good people who are Democrats, Republicans, Atheists, Christians, and Hindus alike. You might think their beliefs are ridiculous, but they can still be nice people.

Some people just can't get past their upbringing. Can you imagine being gay and having hardcore Born-Again parents? Do you tell them or don't you? It's sad, but you might be better off not telling them.

Several of my old friends know about my hobby, and almost all of them are a little freaked out by it. Most of them don't want to see it or talk about it, and they think I have a mental disorder. It makes me sad to see that they're legitimately concerned for me.

[Lorraine Adams 2008]

Amber,
This is a very good question to ponder on. I remember awhile back (1995-96) where I thought I wanted to share my transgenderism to my family and friends. My wife gently reminded me how some of my family members talk about others at times. I thought about how my mom and dad would react. I started to see the wisdom in my wife's statement. More and more I see it as "a need to know" basis. I also wonder what the value would be in someone being told about my crossdressing. I once shared my crossdressing to a friend (who also happened to be a counselor). What I shared with him was kept confidentially. I was under a lot of pressure at the time, going to graduate school. My friend listened to me with sincerity. I told him how hard it was to live the life of a crossdresser, that at times, it could be a difficult life, one reason being the not knowing how others would react to such information if they found out. Let's take for instance, Amber, your statement about "holier than thous!" and "chucking the bibles." I read the Bible. When I read about your relationship with the female friend, red flags went up and it had nothing to do with the bible. It had more to do with psychology. I have a female friend as well who I have talked to in order to relieve the stress we both encounter at our jobs (we have the same kind of job and work with very similar types of clients). I made sure that her daughter came along and sat close by while she did her homework when we talked about our days at work. People have their own set of rules and standards in life. They all have their own growing up experience. If a person is brought up to believe that males wear male clothing and females were female clothing, then it's a standard that has been with them since day one. We can't expect people to just suddenly say, "Oh, that's cool. What's it like to dress up like a woman? I want to know more about your lifestyle." Everyone's experiences are different. I'm fortunate to have a wife that understands my need to dress up en femme. A lot of married men do not have that luxury (according to what I read in forums such as this and conversations with other married crossdressers). So, coming out to others is a very sticky subject because we do not know how one may react even if we "think" we know that person. I've heard people at work state that they're open-minded about gay people. My question is "How open-minded are these people when it comes to one of their co-workers being a crossdresser?" Would these open-minded people start gossiping? Who would they tell? How would my bosses react to such news? There are a lot of questions that we may never find the answer to. And as Julie Smith states, "and therein lies the rub..."

[cindym5_04]

try halloween to break the ice. i went out with my guy friends on halloween and nobody said a word. i didnt come out to them and no one said anything else. i know halloween is still like a year away but just a thought.

Your guy friends were probably too busy checking out your sexy self there, missy!

For me, it was a bit different. My mom discovered my stuff and told me that I was "sick perverted and need help". The woman I was dating just kind of figured things out, because it turned out she had dated a crossdresser before and said she just picked up on some of the signs. She was totally cool with it and very encouraging of me dressing. She also encouraged me to come out to all of my friends. Most of them were totally surprised, but very supportive. My best friend really doesn't care for it, though he doesn't judge and he prefers not to see me dressed as Cindy. It's been almost 7 years that I came out to everyone (even a couple of close friends at work who keep asking to see newer pics) and I rarely dress at this point. My wife is very supportive and it's actually something that brought us closer before we started dating. My best friend is still my best friend and was my best man at my wedding. He'll make jokes here and there, but it's all in the line of fun and harmless.

[Dana G]

Ask yourself, what's to be gained by sharing your crossdrerssing with your friend?

Do you want her to help you dress? to help you pick out makeup? to get tips on how to make you more passable?

Do you need everyone in your life to know about what makes your toe tap? What makes you whole?

My suggestion is that most of the answers you can come up with will lead you to the conclusion that helps you pick the right choice.

If your crossdressing is something that stays away from the office, then let it be. If it needs to be public information at work because you intend to dress there, then you might want to share the secret.

Primarily, y you should be considering your wife especially since understands or tolerates your specialness> Your relatonship is something very special - something that most CD's would like to have.

Telling another woman who is just a close coworker may upset your wife since that affects both of you. Think about this when you go out in public. Most women I know couldn't handle the kind of public discussion that happens when the neighbors & their kids know.

That's why we all need to work on our image in public. Wild and crazy never gets respect... CD's and TG's should not be outrageous if we want acceptance by the larger community. We need to look like we fit in with the group for the group to accept us. It's a sad fact of reality that if you appear really different, people will will think twice before accepting your friendship.

Don't think this is reality? Picture a CD or TG with
prison style tattoos on their arms and legs. How many of us would really think we'd like to get to know her?

Dana G

[Alice Torn]

Amber, I wish I had never came out, to a longtime lawyer friend, i did work for. He wants nothing to do with me, now. As hard as it is, now, not to tell her, it may be best to keep it from Beth. I have been tempted to tell my closest woman friend, who is 72yo, but she talked negatively, whe i brought up cding, once. Some things we just have to keep secret, like Clark Kent, and Bruce Wayne do!!

[Angie G]

I think you did the right thing hun.
Angie