Normality!

[Valerie Nicole]

This post is directed at MtF CDs specifically, but all are welcome to reply and comment.

Wake up and smell the coffee, people, we are normal. Yes, a bold statement, but a true one nonetheless. Our goal as a group shouldn't be to demand rights and such for our group. For those of you familiar with my posts, and my blog, such a statement will no doubt not be expected from me. What we need to do is change our own self-image, and then begin to live that image without fear.

What is it I'm proposing? Realize how normal we are. Next time you go outside, count the number of people you see wearing clothes. Quite a few, right? Probably all of them. Then remind yourself next time you're dressing, that all you're really doing, at its core, is changing from one set of clothes to another. I know it doesn't feel like this a lot of the time. Many of us build up these fantasies and sexual urges related to crossdressing. Many of us identify strongly as crossdressers, sometimes to the point of viewing it as a fundamental part of who we are.

It isn't. Call it what you will: impulse, urge, desire. The clothes we choose to wear are no more a part of us than the food we choose to eat, the soda we choose to drink, the house we choose to inhabit, or the cars we choose to drive. Granted, we may choose some of these things because of who we are, but at the very core, do we identify ourselves by our tastes in food, soda, houses, or cars? No!

I am a person above all else. I have that in common with every other person on this planet. My being a person is what's fundamental. It is more fundamental to me than being a man. Clothes are just clothes, they have no necessary gender. Hair is just hair, the meanings associated with length and style are completely arbitrary. Makeup is just coloured substances painted on the face. There is no inherent determination of whose face it is to be painted on.

The point I'm trying to make? Like it or not, we are normal. We're just people who like to wear clothes. I've tried to stop seeing myself as a man in a skirt, and I've come to see a person wearing clothes. The fact that certain clothes or styles tend to belong to one gender over another is an arbitrary, culturally determined relic. I feel it is one that should be buried. The only way that goal can be accomplished is if we make ourselves normal.

Let's not fight the way other groups have fought for rights and freedom. Let's not draw dividing lines, make people defend their beliefs. The best thing we can possibly do is start to see ourselves the right way, live our lives that way, and let everyone else see us that way. We are lucky to live in as free a society as many of us do. Let's not let that go to waste. When the time is right for me, I will be out. I will go public, and I will let the world see just how normal I am. The more normal people they see, the more normal they'll see us.

[Karren H]

Yeah!!! Well said... I'm the most normal person I know.... And when out I portray myself as normal as normal can be and basically push my new reality upon others.....

[Erica Lauren James]

Fantastic post!! We are all just normal people with different likes and desires.

So be comfortable with who you are, a Normal human being!!!!

Erica

[bimini1]

Yes I was out last night going thru a Barnes & Nobles and I had this very thought. Almost. I thought about what if I were in here in women's clothes? No other man in here is. I thought about what a ruckus would occur. How I might even be escorted out of there but at the very least would be the center of attention. It would have been ridiculous.
Normal in my own mind.........maybe.

[Patrice]

'Normal' I soooo LOATHE that word, just reeks of conformity and mediocrity. Refers to a vast, homogenized 'standard' everyone is expected to just 'know'. I acknowledge noones standards except my own anymore. And by my standards, theres nothing wrong with any of us.

[Cindi Johnson]

I like your post, Valarie, because it touches big issues. Allow me a couple of comments.

You state that "Our goal as a group shouldn't be to demand rights and such for our group". Maybe so, but I strongly believe it is my duty, as a human being, to demand rights for all the disenfranchised and all the persecuted. I will always support all who are mistreated or denied their basic rights at the hands of those in power. Does that include crossdressers? Yes, to an extent it does, particularly outside of the big cities (plus, there are always people in positions of power who would take from us the legal right to dress which, in the USA at least, we did not have back when I was a teenager). It also clearly includes gays and illegal immigrants and the million-plus imprisoned for non-violent drug offenses. Plus those young men and women we've sent to fight in needless wars.
* * * * * *
My last comment addresses your statement that "Many of us identify strongly as crossdressers, sometimes to the point of viewing it as a fundamental part of who we are. It isn't."

I'm in my 50's and have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. My very earliest memories are of my envy of girls and the way they looked, dressed, and acted. There is little in my life which is more fundamental to my existence than is my transgendered nature. Have I ever went a day without thinking of it? Maybe, but I wouldn't want to bet money on that. I might (god forbid) lose my arms and legs, yet in my mind I'd still remain TG.

Put another way: I cannot imagine myself not transgendered.

Perhaps a casual crossdresser (if such exists; why would anyone CD if it were not for that urge from within) sees it all differently than I do. Anyway, thanks for the great post.

Cindi Johnson

[TGMarla]

I agree with the "we're normal" part of this. I could look at greater than 50% of the men I see in any situation, and think to myself, "Even if you have never worn women's clothing before, don't tell me you've never been at least curious about it. Maybe the only reason you don't actively crossdress is because you never had the guts to slip on that first pair of pantyhose. Maybe you're just scared that you'll actually enjoy lace next to your skin. Maybe you don't realize that it's possible to, and even okay to, be both masculine and feminine at the same time."

I don't necessarily agree with the "it's just clothes" part of this, though. If it were just clothes, we wouldn't worry about beard cover, breasts, and tucking. We wouldn't wear makeup and wigs. It's way more than just clothes.

But yeah. It's normal.

[Shannen]

I think, therefore I am [normal]!

Is that how it goes?

Ok...

What about social norms... isn't that really what the issue is?

"You are not normal" = "You are not following accepted social norms"

and if you want to fight to get those changed, then so be it.

I think a lot of us may be disappointed if crossdressing were part of the social norm...

[Nicole Erin]

Could someone maybe quote the most important parts of that post so it is not so long a read?

[Valerie Nicole]

Thank you to all those who replied, and who support my point of view. I will take this chance to respond to those who disagreed, just because I love a good debate.

To Patrice: My point was that everyone is normal at their core. We all share the common bond of humanity. This post isn't about judging, but suspending judgment, at least when it comes to the harmless activity of crossdressing.

To Cindi Johnson: In response to your first comment, it depends on the methods you use. I used the word "fight" intentionally, because when there's a fight over something, there's at least two sides. I think that drawing the line between sides would do more harm than good. Those who oppose people like us would feel the need to defend their views, creating a counter-productive situation in which every small success on our side is hard earned and strongly opposed. Why not simply exercise the rights we already have, and let the world get used to that, so that there's no need for a fight at all?

As for your second comment...I think about lots of things on a daily basis: the weather, my favourite foods, video games, school, books, my computer, etc. That doesn't make any of these things a fundamental part of who I am. Sure, they may all be a part of me, or at least an expression of who I am, but they're not fundamental in the sense that I would be irrevocably altered without them. Just as I would still be the same basic person even if I lived the rest of my life without the desire to wear skirts and dresses.

TGMarla: My point regarding the clothes was that there is nothing in the clothes which makes them necessarily linked to one gender. Tell me what it is about skirts that makes it so that only a woman can wear them. Or what is it about a woman that makes it so only they can wear skirts? I could ask the same questions about makeup and hairstyles as well, and you would be hard pressed to find an answer other than "nothing."

As for the beard cover/tucking/breast form issue. I debated whether or not to address that in my first post, and since you brought it up, I will address it now. Not to condescend to you or anyone else on this board, but it any basic psychology or sociology class, you learn that there's a difference between sex and gender. Sex is a biological thing, and gender is a social/cultural development. Genders are ascribed to sexes. There is no necessary link between any gendered behaviour and a corresponding sex.

Without that link, any argument against a man behaving in a feminine manner falls apart. There is no necessary connection between being a man and being masculine, nor is there one between being a woman and being feminine. So yes, when it comes to breast forms and beard covers and tucking, it is a little more than just clothes. Still, all it is is a person expressing a gender role. Once again, this happens all the time. Everybody you see expresses a gender role. And since a gender has only as much necessary connection to a sex as does an article of clothing, there's really nothing abnormal about a man expressing a feminine gender role.

To Shannen: We may not be accepted by social norms. Unfortunately, many of us internalize this and believe that there is something inherently abnormal in what we do. So we run off and join the CD subculture by becoming members of a forum like this one. The problem is that even when we're here, many of us buy into the illusion that there's something wrong with or abnormal about the way we live. We help perpetuate the social norms despite the fact that there is nothing inherently abnormal about us. Our goal should be to change these social norms, not through conflict, but through gradually exposing the world to us in all our normal glory.

[Charleen]

"NORMAL"- A cycle on a washing machine. That's the only normal I'm aware of. I know quite a few conformists. Conforming to what their idea of what their sub culture expects.The list of those sub cultures is almost infinite. Country, punk, teeny bobber, urban, urbane, ect., ect., ect., each has their own distinctive look.
As for me, what am conforming to by wearing clothing that is designed for woman to wear, or by keeping my nails long and polished, wearing earring and jewelery, and having an effeminate look even in drab?
Thanks, but you can keep the "normal". Everyone on this planet is unique in their own way. I like being different than the accepted standards, always have.

[Valerie Nicole]

A couple people seem to be hung up on my use of the word "normal." So allow me to explain the precise meaning I'm shooting for here. First of all, I'm not saying anything about us needs to change, other than how we see ourselves. I'm not encouraging conforming to any specific standard of normality. What I'm saying is that we are already normal, and we just have to realize it. Once we realize that we are already normal, we can reveal ourselves to the rest of the world, without so much fear. Then, when we do so, we can show the rest of the world that we are already normal and don't need to change in order to be normal.

The point, in a nutshell, is that there is nothing inherently abnormal in what we do, and so we shouldn't see it as abnormal, or feel the pull to conform to societal norms. We're just fine the way we are.

[Charleen]

Yes, we are fine just the way we are. I agree whole heartedly! I just don't believe there is such a thing as a normal human being. Never met one in 57 years, and don't expect to.

[Valerie Nicole]

I think of normal as being a default. Anyone who is not abnormal is normal. And because I've used this thread to demonstrate that crossdressing is not abnormal, it--for me anyway--falls into the category of what is normal.

[Shannen]

To Shannen: We may not be accepted by social norms. Unfortunately, many of us internalize this and believe that there is something inherently abnormal in what we do. So we run off and join the CD subculture by becoming members of a forum like this one. The problem is that even when we're here, many of us buy into the illusion that there's something wrong with or abnormal about the way we live. We help perpetuate the social norms despite the fact that there is nothing inherently abnormal about us. Our goal should be to change these social norms, not through conflict, but through gradually exposing the world to us in all our normal glory.

Thanks, I enjoy discussion also!

To put it bluntly, if I didn't get an adrenaline rush from breaking the social norms by dressing as the opposite gender, would I find it as necessary?

What happens when only crossdressers wear skirts?

Are you saying that gender separation is totally societal/learned behavior?

Shannen

[Valerie Nicole]

Thanks, I enjoy discussion also!

To put it bluntly, if I didn't get an adrenaline rush from breaking the social norms by dressing as the opposite gender, would I find it as necessary?

What happens when only crossdressers wear skirts?

Are you saying that gender separation is totally societal/learned behavior?

Shannen

That's exactly what I'm saying, actually. This is a well documented psychological/sociological fact. Gender roles are learned, not inherent.

You do raise some other interesting questions, though. Your first "what if" question is interesting, even though I'm not quite sure where you're going with it. Maybe trying to show that crossdressing isn't completely normal? At any ate, no, I don't think you'd find it necessary. At the same time, were there no societal norms preventing you from wearing a skirt, you probably wouldn't find it unnecessary, either.

Let me use an example. I don't particularly like to wear Hawaiian shirts. They're just not my style. So I don't wear them, even though I have limitless freedom to do so. It wouldn't be abnormal for me to wear one. Were I to live in a society where Hawaiian shirts were forbidden, or only for a specific group of people to which I didn't belong, and I had the desire to wear Hawaiian shirts, my wearing them would be considered strange, even my desire to wear them would be out of the ordinary. Yet, as this example clearly demonstrates, there is nothing inherently abnormal about wearing any particular article of clothing. Whether or not you have the urge to wear the clothes is not the issue.

Your second question is much more interesting. Speaking with little knowledge of sociology/cultural anthropology, I suspect what might develop is a third gender. The feminine gender role would change so that women would be expected to be a certain way, different from they are now. Already, this trend is developing, in fact. The masculine gender role might do the same thing. Then there would be us crossdressers, TGs, and TSs who liked the old feminine gender role and wanted to continue to express that. There might even be women who feel the same way. And so what might eventually occur is a split of the feminine gender category into two categories. Though I doubt it would be recognized as such, I imagine something along these lines would occur in the scenario you described.

However, I think what we're more likely to see is a general blurring of gender lines. Women wearing pants, men wearing women's pants, certain groups, such as punks and goths, wearing makeup. As these trends continue, I think we'll be more likely to see gender lines begin to dissolve. My ideal world is one in which crossdressing is impossible, because the outdated idea of gendered clothing will finally have been laid to rest.

[VtVicky]

A very articulate post, Valerie. However, I'd like to suggest an opposing view.

It seems you are observing that we are all normal in some basic way. Perhaps that is true. But, I would observe that we are all abnormal in many more ways. And it is our intrinsic striving to be different, to stand out from the crowd, to excell in some endeavor, that should be celibrated. Young teens are obsessed with "fitting in" with their peers. Hopefully they outgrow that before adulthood. Even though our society encourages a certain amount of compliance with a societal norm, it celibrates exceptions to that norm.

I have no interest in being "normal". I relish my differences. There is no one else quite like me. [Probably a good thing ;-)] I am not necessarily better or worse than my peers, just different.

In fact, I think, it is the very quest for the elusive "normal" that causes so much anxiety in our population. We need a label so that we are "normal" in at least one group. Even if that group is abnormal in another context. This very forum allows us to feel normal in our abnormalness.

"Normal", "norm", "average", "mean". These are statistical terms useful in the context of examining a group of individuals. They suck when used to describe a particular individual.

The coffee I smell tells me that, while I certainly have some normal traits, I am not normal. Unless you will allow that it is normal to be different.

Perhaps it is abnormal to not yearn to be normal.

Following up on the "smell the coffee" phrase: I love the smell of coffee brewing. I even love the smell of the coffee aisle in the grocery store. But, I do not like the taste. I would suggest that, while being normal '"smells" good from a distance, the "taste" of being normal is quite different.

But, I could be wrong.

[Emily Anderson]

The theory is nice, but reality is different. Normality is defined by popular consensus, and popular consensus dictates that men do not wear female clothing, and that is is where the theory breaks down.

Until such time as it is acceptable for men to appear as women, there will always be a struggle... It's happening slowly but surely, but there's a long way to go yet.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Valerie Nicole]

Don't worry, Emily, my bubble remains intact. I'm not saying that it would be instantaneous, or easy. I just believe that, for the most part, people couldn't care less. At first, there'd be shock, laughter, all the stuff we fear most. But, as more of us start to do it, seemingly individually, we wouldn't appear quite so strange anymore. People would just get used to seeing is. My theory was never go out once and people will just see you as normal. It was that the more we go out, and the more of us that go out, the more people will realize that there's quite a few of us out there, and we're really not all that different.

[Emily Anderson]

I think that's what is happening, gradually.

[sandra-leigh]

The clothes we choose to wear are no more a part of us than the food we choose to eat, the soda we choose to drink, the house we choose to inhabit, or the cars we choose to drive. Granted, we may choose some of these things because of who we are, but at the very core, do we identify ourselves by our tastes in food, soda, houses, or cars? No!

Food: Ask most any long-time vegetarian. (If you ask why they are vegetarian, you might not be given an answer, but if you ask whether being vegetarian is important to the person, you probably will.)

Houses: One of my uncles, upon retirement, now spends at least 5 months a year traveling in his RV. An RV is a kind of house, but for those who take more than the occasional trip, the lifestyle is also part of their personality. Wonder the world, meet people, see new things, enjoy nature: it isn't the life for everyone, but for some it is part of their personality.

Cars: Ah? Then why did anyone think it was worth making a documentary about the GM EV1 (Sony Pictures, "Who Killed The Electric Car?") And from what I hear, some of the clubs for owners of high-end cars are more than a little snobbish. Never met someone who swore up and down that there was no way they were ever going to buy no G*d d*mmed foreign car?

[Shannen]

I'm just a little put off by the existentialism that I feel in you initial statement. It is fine to live in our own realities, but we ignore the world around us at our own peril sometimes.

who liked the old feminine gender role and wanted to continue to express that.

Exactly! without the gender role being defined, we can not identify (with) it!

One last question....

Have you ever been around children????? They do come into the world different. (the diff genders) We may have refined how we play into those differences in each culture, but we sure don't start out as neutral lumps.


Shannen

[Valerie Nicole]

Food: Ask most any long-time vegetarian. (If you ask why they are vegetarian, you might not be given an answer, but if you ask whether being vegetarian is important to the person, you probably will.)

Houses: One of my uncles, upon retirement, now spends at least 5 months a year traveling in his RV. An RV is a kind of house, but for those who take more than the occasional trip, the lifestyle is also part of their personality. Wonder the world, meet people, see new things, enjoy nature: it isn't the life for everyone, but for some it is part of their personality.

Cars: Ah? Then why did anyone think it was worth making a documentary about the GM EV1 (Sony Pictures, "Who Killed The Electric Car?") And from what I hear, some of the clubs for owners of high-end cars are more than a little snobbish. Never met someone who swore up and down that there was no way they were ever going to buy no G*d d*mmed foreign car?

So you're saying that a vegetarian who lives in an RV and refuses to drive a foreign car is nothing more than a vegetarian who lives in an RV and refuses to drive a foreign car? That's their whole identity? Those are the most important aspects of their personality?

Actually, you bring out a good point. Crossdressing is no more fundamental than any other part of a personality. I like chicken wings, root beer, videogames, dogs, computers, horror novels, some fantasy books, Star Trek, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, rock music, and anything that makes me laugh. Each of these is a part of who I am, and like these, crossdressing is a part of me. But it is not all of me, or the most important part of me.

So even if you feel strongly about the food you eat, house you live in, or car you drive, it does not (or maybe I should say should not) comprise your entire identity, and neither does (or should) crossdressing.

To Shannen: Yes, I've been around children. And I'm not sure what age you're talking about here, but children are sponges when they come into the world, and from the moment the doctor says "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" the parents start treating that child as a boy or a girl. As it grows up, it will learn its gender norms and will come to believe that they are natural, even though they have really just been taught from an early age, just as their parents will believe they are natural even though they are learned, just as their parents will believe they are natural even though they are learned. And so on, and so on.

[Sweet Jane]

I saw this thread and it reminded me of a song called I'm Normal by The Skyhooks that I listened to an awful lot as a teen, maybe because I felt so abnormal....anyway I hope its OK to reproduce the lyrics here

I'm normal yes I'm normal
Normal as anybody can be
I'm normal yes I'm normal
There's no one as normal as me

Well I've had my share of orgys
Young marrieds and gay swingers
Had too many weirdos
Wet nurses and girl singers
Seen me enough blue movies
To last me a lifetime through
And I'm getting pretty desperate
For something new to do

So I'm throwing out my rubber sheets and kinky knee high boots
Going back to holding hands
That's where I got my roots
Throwin' out my dildos and porno magazines
Goin' back to wholesome sex just like it's in my teens

I'm normal yes I'm normal
Normal as anybody can be
I'm normal yes I'm normal
There's no one as normal as me

No one ever just says 'hi'
Or talk about the weather
They all ask me if I'm bi
And into whips 'n leather
There's just too many massage girls
Doin' it for free
And I get that funny feeling
Someone's usin' me

So I'm throwin' out my Spanish Fly
All that Vitamin E
Swallowed enough stupid pills to start a factory
Yes I'm givin' it all up I'm going back to zero
Getting just too tired of being a pornographic hero

I'm normal yes I'm normal
Normal as anybody can be
I'm normal yes I'm normal
There's no one as normal as me

[Fab Karen]

Yes, we are fine just the way we are. I agree whole heartedly! I just don't believe there is such a thing as a normal human being. Never met one in 57 years, and don't expect to.

I don't support use of the N word, it's a rev. Hagee type word.