I need all the advice i can get (please read)

[xgeminix]

So my boyfriend of 7 months (friend of 4 yrs) has just told me yesturday that he used to cross dress. Now, confused as hell, I turned here. I need help. I love him, more that I can describe and though im stuck in a world wind of emotions I do not feel embarrassed by him. Just confused.

See we both come from broken homes and we were both raped so we have lived some what similar lives, but now that he has told me about cross dressing, I dont get it, because I dont understand. Im not saying its a serious factor and truth be told I dont mind, I just want to know why because I have always seen him as a the manliest man. I know that sounds stupid. But Im lost here. I have always seen him as gorgeous and dont understand how he couldnt. I dont understand how he doesnt feel pretty but dressing in womens clothes makes him feel that way.

He told me that he started cross dressing at the age of 12 and it went till he was 14. We are both 18 now. When I asked him why he was doing it, he said it was because he felt pretty. He felt like girls were always admired so he wanted to be one. He WANTED LOVE. He was "Stephanie" when he cross dressed, a person who was so comfortable with himself/ herself (?) when Martin (him in man clothes i guess ?) wasnt comfortable.

I just cant imagine years of him doing this. Him walking out of the house in heels and skirts and a wig. He was more of a woman than I am. Im sorry if that sounds wrong. I dont even wear heels and dresses.

I know that being raped has to do with some of it. I mean when I was raped at 15 I paniced and decided to be a lesbian for years. Granted, I did realise that it wasnt all men that were rapist, so I accepted it and countinued persuing guys. But it was hard for me. Let alone him. He was 6. SIX! Damn it, I cant imagine it. He was beaten and raped by the same guy twice. And I cant imagine being that confused at such a young age.



So, what does anyone think. I cant describe how I feel, I dont feel ashamed by his cross dressing but Im pissed that he has just told me this NOW.

WHEN I WAS RAPED I VOWED TO :RELOSE: or HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH SOMEONE ONLY IF I LOVED THEM AND THEY LOVED ME.

I feel dissapointed that lost it for the first time freely to him in March and I feel like I dont even know him now.

HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND HE KNEW ALL ABOUT MY LIFE AND HE SAID I KNEW ALL ABOUT HIS BUT HE LIED. HE JUST TOLD ME LIEK A WEEK AGO HE HAS DONE LIKE HARDCORE DRUGS FOR A LONG TIME, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS LED ME TO BELIEVE HE WAS SO STRAIGHTEDGE. I FEEL LIKE I DONT KNOW HIM NOW. AND ITS NOT JUST CROSS DRESSSING BUT WHY WOULD HE LIE ABOUT TAKING HEROIN AND COKE TOO. HES HE THAT ASHAMED OF IT ALL?

he said he'd know id leave him if he admitted it all. But i feel unloved that he lied. he did lie. not about cross dressing but about drugs too. ITs like who is he? Im not sure if i know

it just the fact he had got upset with me when i used to do drugs and when i recovered from bulimia and he checks up on me and makes me follow it. and when i relapse he gets pissed. THOUGH ITS NOT MY FAULT SINCE IM DOING IT ON MY OWN. but when i asked him a few questions about why and how he felt about the situation of cross dressing he was all like well its in the past and he shuns it away and he thinks im weird beacuse i dont get it. I dont get it! IM REALLY ****ING TRYING BUT I DONT GET WHY HE DID IT.

The more he talks about it the more sadder it gets. Because it sounds like a drug addicts addiction to drugs. He says he would make up a fake list and write down like "pick up shoes or something" and he would liek call up payless ina girls voice and ask for like heels and say his son would pick it up. And then he would do his dry cleaning for the clothes because he didnt want anyone to see it. And he said he would hide it in boxes and put dust on the boxes so it looked like the boxes were never opend and no one would go in them. He told me he has under garments and 5 dresses 5 pairs of heels about 7 or 8 shirts and skirts. Hes cross dressing name was Stephanie and he became her when he dressed up. he felt like a different person liek a pretty person.

he says he threw out all the clothes and stopped it. Even though stephanie was his gateway out of reality and into a world where he was admired and loved in opposed to being bullied and raped. He asked me though if i wanted to met her. which i guess means If he can still dress up. But i dont no im scared. I know he doesnt want to be a woman jsut feel like one. IF that makes sence. I THINK ?

Im confused. Can some one explain to me what this means. I want to love him and accept him for who he is, but i dont know who he is right now? I love him but Im scared of seeing him in my clothes or just womens clothes in general/ I dont know how Id feel. I will not leave him, he has my heart. But what can i do.

What if he still wants to do it. Can i just tell him that i dont want to see him in those clothes but I dont mind if he does it. DOES THAT SOUND OK!?

AHHHH!

Can some one shed light on this subject






Thanks
Brittany

[Miranda09]

Brittany, as long as you two love each other respect each other, don't worry about the cross-dressing. Maybe that's what he needs to bring out his sensitive side. You've both been thru hellish childhood experiences and I don't think anyone here can advice you or council in that regard. Just know that both of you have a support group here. These members are a fantastic group of people...

[tall sam]

Britanny

Firstly, welcome and secondly, well done. It takes a lot of guts to put your feelings down like you have. Its taken most of us a lot of guts to come out and be part of this world, even if its just hidden somewhere behing a keyboard!

The thing about crossdressing is that it is different for everyone but a common thread is that its very personal and generally has no ill meaning. Well, this is they way I see it!!
By that i mean is that we have no intention to heart anyone but unfortunately due to misunderunderstanding, miscommunication, and lots of other misconseptions our partners (referres to as significant others = SO's) do get hurt. I cant think of how any sepperations, divorce etc i have ready about on this site due to crossdressing.

You obviously have a very special relationship. Very few crossdressers are that quick to come out and it usually takes someone you can trust 100% to tell. It took me a few years before i told my wife. She is accepting but it has limits.

The reasons we crossdress are numerous and I hope some others will exand and its not just my thoughts here. I crossdress for the sentual feeling but also just to feel different - its a breakaway from the harsh reality of the world. I am in no way gay and actually am slightly unaccepting of gay. I adore woman and particularly those who show there femanity. To me there is nothing more pleasing than to see a lovely shapely woman who looks after herself and dresses stylishly sexy.
I guess thats where some of the crossdressing drive comes from, I like it so much that I want to experience it myself.

It does not help to be negative about it. I think there is always palce for something different in a relationship and a bit of give and take is needed. When I am dressed as a lady, I like to be treated differently than when in male mode. I also tend to behave differently. We can actually have quite a bit of fun together!

So, all i can say is that dont see it as totally negative and that your boyfriend has some strange problem. Give it a chance, try to see the other side of him - treat the situation like you about to meet a long lost friend. If you accept some of his ways then maby he will be more accepting of some of yours in the future!

All the best and please keep us updated !

Sam

[DonnaT]

Hi Brittany.

Relax!

Your angry now, and that's understandable. But guess what? His coming out to you (finally) is very admirable, actually.

Some guys cannot do that. Some wait until they are married. I bet you'd be quite devastated had he waited until you were married (if you may be headed in that direction).

So think about that for a second. It seems to mean he's feeling more secure about himself. And it means he trusts you.

Trusts you.

No one knows where Stephanie is headed along the transgender continuum. Y'all just need to stay level headed and talk openly with each other.

What if he still wants to do it. Can i just tell him that i dont want to see him in those clothes but I dont mind if he does it. DOES THAT SOUND OK!?

It may be. If he's acceptable to the boundaries. Many would like to have at least that much acceptance from an SO.

PS: It's whirlwind, not world wind

[trisha59]

Hi
When I first met my wife I was trying to present the best possible image of my self so I said things like I don't smoke , etc. When I started falling in live with her I had to correct these things so one night I had to tell her that well I like cigars , etc. There's the first impression person and there's the reality person.
The drugs are a problem if he is still using, that you need to work out with each other but the crossdressing thats basic. Chances are he might want to dress again sometime and if you do not want to be a part of that now that is your choice. Why do we crossdress? Who knows everyone has their own reasons and most of us can't explain it. You see him as the manliest man and thats fine there are a lot of us are pretty macho in our male mode. As far as him talking about it that will take some time its very hard for us to share this stuff with people and it means that he must really trust you to share what he did with you. As long as he stops with the drugs if he's still using.......we crossdressers make pretty good partners.

[curse within]

Hi Brittany,

You have taken your first step leading to many others on the path of learning and accepting crossdressing which may help you understand it. Chances are your BF does not understand why he crossdresses as well , in fact although therorys exist nobody knows why we crossdress, not Doctors or scientist.

Take you time and ask as many questions as you please here but also know that crossdressing has various levels and we do not know where your boyfriend may fall into the spectrum. It would be nice if he ( your boyfriend ) joined as well and it may help you both.

There ARE plenty of GG's here that can give great advise in the road you may be traveling great honest advise as well as many new members that are going through the same thing you are now.. You will not find what you may be searching for overnight but you will get the support you need..

C.W.

[charlie]

Hello Brittney!
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for your confusion and all the heartache that this is causing you. When I got married I had not gotten dressed in ladies clothes for a period of 10 years. I thought that was all behind me. It appears that crossdressing is something that hangs with us all of our lives. I can't really give you a definitive reason why I dress, but leave it that I just do. The feeling of the clothes, the range of colors, textures and real feminine things are just addictive. Except for the societal taboos, no laws are being broken, no lives are being put in harms way and there is no mind altering drugs. The only drug is one of being feminine and self satisfaction. My wife detests my dressing and we have come to the understanding whereby I do not mention it and she does not ask. She is the only woman in the house. We get by that way. If you love your man, perhaps you too can establish a boundary that you can accept and he can abide by it. As to the earlier drugs, I can not help you there. I only hope that it is over and you will not have to deal with that too! Good Luck!

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Im confused. Can some one explain to me what this means. I want to love him and accept him for who he is, but i dont know who he is right now? I love him but Im scared of seeing him in my clothes or just womens clothes in general/ I dont know how Id feel. I will not leave him, he has my heart. But what can i do.

Relax, Brittany. You just discovered you're in love with a crossdresser. It's not the end of the world, or even a bad thing, really.

I think he may still be discovering himself and still figuring out who he really is and where he fits in. Because of this, you may get some conflicting messages from him. Keep in mind the social stigma attached to crossdressing and the fact that society has driven a lot of "one-gender-only based on sex organs" in to ALL of our heads. That is why many crossdressers end up spending years trying to figure out who they are. Society has embedded one idea in to our heads since birth, and yet we know we are different that than "accepted norm".

The good news is that he probably does not want to become a woman. Most cd's are straight men who do not go through sex reassignment surgery. The bad news is that EVERY cd is different. We're as varied as non-cd's. No two non-cd's are the same, right? You get the idea.

I really think you just just relax and try to enjoy the ride though. You've got a very interesting journey ahead of you, should you choose to explore it with your boyfriend. Not all women are attracted to a crossdressing man, so if you think that may be you, take that into consideration. Crossdressing doesn't go away. It's not a disease or anything - it's just who we are. Also keep in mind, when a cd "quits" cding in order to please someone else, they're usually living half a life and it will wear on them in time. But again, every cd is different. Just beware of the "I'm done with it" thing. Some cd's are "done with it" for many years, but it almost always comes back because it never goes away. People don't just switch from being left-handed to being right-handed, right? It's in the genes.

For now, try not to let your mind get the best of you. I know you've got a zillion questions, and I bet your boyfriend may as well.

For what it's worth, I'm a happily married cd. My wife and I enjoy a fantastic marriage. She knows about my cding and is an active participant in it - she even does my makeup! I'm like a life-size doll for her to play dress-up with. You might enjoy it yourself. If you do not - don't feel guilty about it. It's not for everyone. Everyone has their likes and dislikes in relationships. That is not unique to crossdressing in any way. You have to consider what you like vs. what you do not and then take it from there.

Try to take things in stride though. Too much over thinking will kill any relationship. Think of this as an adventure. Forget the social stigma attached to it for a while and try to keep an open mind. You might find new levels of happiness in your relationship in ways you never imaged before.

You might want to hit one or two of the links in my sig. I live a happy and successful life, hold down a decent job, have an amazing loving wife, take care of business, AND share my femme-side with the world on the website in my sig. I also have some interviews with other cd's - you may find their stories interesting (you'll have to read them past the fashion part to get to the serious stuff).

Good luck to you and your bf, Brittany! You'll both do fine if you keep an open mind.

[Kerry Owens]

xgeminix, post 10 times and apply to the gg board, we're all there, and we know (many of us do) the road you've walked. Support is there, and we understand the maelstrom of emotion that can be when you're starting to learn.

[xgeminix]

Thank you all for responding to my thread in such a short period of time. IT does mean alot.

Miranda09- I agree. I love him and support him no matter what so It doesnt matter to me. I think it would be great if he were to join on here. I think if he could talk to others that know how he feels than looks at him different he would feel at ease.

Tall_Sam- To tell you the truth, Im glad he told me. I think he feels relieved that he came out and told me all that. It is alot to digest for me, but Im accepting of it. Hell. I wear his clothes alot too, so I dont mind. Thank you for explaing all that. When you say that its a break away from reality, I think thats what Martin was saying. I think he wanted to do just that. Thank you, your post was very sincere. And I will promise to keep you all posted. :-)

DonnaT- You are so right! I would be furious if he were to tell me if we were to get married. I am glad that you cleared up that he feels secure about us. Thats all i want. I think thats why I was so mad because I felt like he wasnt secure through out the relationship. I know its silly but I felt like if he meant it when he first told me he loved me, then he should of told me then. But I do get what your saying. If we talk about it, I think everything will be great for us. THANKS

LOL on the world wind/ whirlwind comment. I do know what I meant but I guess my head wasnt really thinking about the correct terms in oppose to the direct feeling I felt. Lol.

trisha59- Oh no he isnt still using. His last smoke of weed was around May and he refused to take steriods (big problem for him at one time) again so Im sure there will be no more using. Thank you.

curse_within- Whats a GG? And I agree, clothing does not make a man, which is why Im here. And im glad you told me everyone does it for a different reason. I think he did it for acceptance but I doubt that all. I have a feeling that hes not teling me something though. I think he really should join this site, because I can promise to accept him, but here (on this site) there is nothing but acceptance. I think it might be best if he was on here so he can feel like he belongs, like he doesnt have to hide anymore.

Charlie- I think my boundary is see him doing it. I dont object or judge but I dont think I can see him in that state. Like your wife, I too would feel like Im the only women in the house. Because I would most likely act like your wife. I must know. How do you deal with that? Im sorry if that being personal but I want Martin to know that I can love him no matter what clothes he wears. So please tell me, do you mind when she feels that way. Me and Martin will most likely be in that position so Im scared as to how it would make him feel. If you ever felt like your wife didnt accept you even though she said she did but she refused to talk or see you in that state, please let me know. Because I would never want him to feel that way, and I guess I would just have to grin and bear it, If I had to see him in dressing up.

Gabrielle Hermosa- IT ALWAYS COMES BACK!!!!????!!!

Im scared because I am serious in him. I can probably bite the bullet and see him in a dress. But I wouldnt (if i had his children) want my children to see it. If that makes sence. Does it? Unless they were older of course but not if they were younger. I dont know.

That sounds amazing that you and your wife have that connection. It sounds wonderful and now I feel like maybe I can do that do. MAybe I can do that, and be like she is. I do want to be her. I want to accept it and love him and let him know that he is my man no matter what. And that is something he will always be, no matter what he wears. I think it would be best if he joins this site. I think he can get all the acceptance and love here, more than I can give to him because I dont know how it feels, personally. thank you for letting me see that it can be alright, if I make it alright. which is what I have to do, make it allrght.


Thank you every one who responded. <3<3

xgeminix, post 10 times and apply to the gg board, we're all there, and we know (many of us do) the road you've walked. Support is there, and we understand the maelstrom of emotion that can be when you're starting to learn.

Ok.. but whats a gg board.

[curse within]

F.A.B. ..(.Female at birth) ....you have to join and some GG's (Genetic Girls)..Will answer better for these options..

[Nicki B]

Gem.. GG=Genetic Girl.. Like what you is..


Being a crossdresser isn't something you choose - it's like being born left-handed, or blue-eyed.. You can suppress that side of yourself (at least for a time), but doing so often leaves people unfulfilled and damaged?

[Sophie A Walker]

Xgeminix

There is an awful lot in your post and from my point of view it is no wonder that you are feeling somewhat confused and at a loss. Of the many things you talk about I think that Martin/Staphanie's CDing is prehaps the more straightforward thing to deal with. If he has crossdressed in the past the chances are he will do so again, but despite how dressing/not dressing makes him feel, he will still basically be the same person.

My impression from your post is that what seem to have really got under your skin is that he lied and not just about CDing. I wonder if the fact you have experienced similar difficulties in your lives is partly what has brought you together. Those shared experiences prehaps help each of you to feel understood by the other. I get the impression that both of you have been at best 'let down' by parents and others who were supposed to take care of you, but it has affected you in different ways.

I wonder if you are looking for the 100% reliable and honest relationship, which we would all like to find and have begun this relationship in that frame of mind. I wonder if Martin/Staphanie ever belived such a relationship was possible and having met you has begun to believe that it is, and it is now that he is feeling safe enough and cared about enough to reveal all. I dont think this is a CDing issue particularly of even a boy girl issue, people are just different and approach things differently, and secrets are a way of life for some people. I wonder if for him the keeping of secrets might be (Not necissarily though) linked to the early life abusive experience he suffered. Often chidren in such situations are expected cajoled and threatened by the abusive individual to keep the secret, with threats attached. The threats are more often than not that someone close to the child will be hurt rather than a threat to the child directly.

Adults who have such difficult experiences as children often struggle to learn to trust others as they grow up, mostly because the implications in their mind are not just to themselves. For someone used to keeping secrets, the 'lie' is just how they get through the day, even to the point of disguising boxes with dust, the act of love is owning up and letting their SO know, and from there learning how to stop keeping the secret, breaking the habit as it were.

You ask at one point 'why would he lie ... is he ashamed of it all?', He may well be ashamed of it all, society often seems to set out make us ashamed of things, and for many that is enought to keep a secret, he might also be aware that you want a 'strong' 'reliable' person in your life and has been trying to seem to be that person, prehaps he is beginning to understand that 'strong and reliable' sometimes means showing your vulnerabilities.

I hope things work out well for you both, It sounds as if you have both had a difficult time getting to where you are and there are probably more difficulties to come. I wonder what other support you both have, family, friends, who are the wise people in your lives, could they help you work out where you go from here.

[Stephanie Miller]

Welcom xgeminix. I'm glad you found us, and I hope you find some comfort as well as help here. You both are at a tough spot in the road. Go slow. What we all have all found is that if you try and cover too much ground too quick you will make a lot more mistakes. All the girls in the above posts have a lot of good insight. Did I mention GO SLOW! With all you mentioned there are quite a few problems besides the crossdressing that need to be tended to. Try and seperate them. If you decide to see him dressed and he declines, do not take it personally. He is more than likely embarrassed, scared or just plain not ready himself to show "her" to you. It's not because he doesn't love you. Go slow. You BOTH have the road to walk together. If you are lucky enough to get Martin to join the forum, he will probably learn a lot about himself that he never understood or let surface. If during your talks his thoughts change - more than likely he didn't lie to you - he probably just learned something that changed his way of thinking. Allow for honest change. Hope you get him on the forum. It would be good for him. And, we're not a bad lot of girls either.
Take care, and remember our hearts are with you both.

[TxKimberly]

Brittany,

As so many others have said, I think it's awesome that you are going to such effort to understand. A person can't ask for more than that.

Almost anything I could say would risk sounding like a cop out. Think about it though - I don't know you, i don't know your Stephanie, so I have absolutely nothing to gain by not being honest and forth coming with you, so I'll ask you to take this on faith: for most of us, there is NOTHING more terrifying than telling the woman you love that you are a crossdresser. With 12 years active duty Army, I've been shot at, been in half a dozen car accidents, been in planes filled with smoke, and they didn't come close to scaring me as badly as the day I told my wife what I was.
You risk so very much. You risk loosing the woman that obviously means so much to you. If she didn't mean so much to you, you wouldn't even consider telling her this. Wildly conflicting feelings ad emotions: If you love her, you MUST be honest and tell her. If you love her, you CAN'T be honest and tell her. You will hurt her, you will scare her away, she might loose all respect for you.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it to you right now, but you should be a little grateful, and perhaps even honored, that he has given you the respect and decency of telling you BEFORE marriage (assuming that's in the cards). He has just placed his life in your hands, a thing that is not done lightly. Among other things, he has given you something that could cost him every friend he has, every chance of making new friends, his job . . .
Some of us old farts have reached the point where we would give a woman this courtesy were we in that situation today, but I think that for a young man to have done this is somewhat remarkable.

So all of that is what you might call good news, or at least the positive side of the news he gave you. Here's the part you may not like. If he's told you that he doesn't do it any more, or that he doesn't want to do it anymore, odds are over whelming that he is either too embarrassed to tell you the truth, or he is not being honest with you or himself. The "yeah, I used to do this embarrassing thing but don't any more" is typically sort of a psychological game we play with ourselves that allows us to share some of our secret with out admitting that we still do this silly thing that embarrasses us. A theme you will see repeated over and over on this forum is of someone desperately wanting to quite, throwing everything they own out (Called "Purging" and it has a great deal in common with the same phrase as regards bulimia), and yet they always come back - the urge always returns.
Why do we want to wear pretty clothing and dresses? Damned if I know. if you figure that out, we would sure appreciate your letting us know. We could take a simple and uncomplicated approach - many girls and women adore pretty skirts, shoes, and dresses - is it really such a stretch that some guys might like them too?

[docrobbysherry]

In 3 years, OR LESS, you'll HAVE THEM ALL! I PROMISE!

( To THESE questions, at least. In 3 years, you'll have a LIST of completely NEW ONES!)

And THAT'S how life WORKS! By the time you're 90, you'll have it figured out!

While u wait for a few years to pass, the members here can help u figure out your CDing BF issues!
They're a wonderful resource. And will be glad to help u!

[Miranda09]

Glad you're feeling better about the whole situation. And, do encourage your BF to join this site. It might help him put things into perspective as well.

[suchacutie]

I won't cover all the ground that these wonderful folks have already covered, so let me point out:

1) the fact that he told you means he trusts you like no other person. At that point, and even now, he is one vulnerable human, and you hold him in your hands. If you ever had any doubt about his sincerity for you, he pretty much put those to rest by coming out to you.

2) We have a child too, and my wife and I treat my feminine self (Tina) as our private discussion, not to be shared with our child. Sometimes that takes a bit of work, but so be it. My wife is Tina's girl friend, advisor, confidant, etc, not her lover. My male side takes care of that part of our relationship.

3) We only discovered Tina a couple of years ago, after 33 years of marriage. What we found out is that through Tina discussions of feminine emotions, feminine manners of thought, feminine feelings, and feminine perspectives are happening in ways they never could before. After all, if Tina is to learn how to really be feminine, these discussions are not only necessary, but they are interesting to Tina. It has brought us closer that we were, even after 33 years of being very close.

4) My wife and I talk about Tina all the time. My wife will often ask Tina the same questions about issues that she asks "him", saying that she expects Tina might have different opinions since she is using the knowledge Tina has, but now from a feminine perspective. It also makes Tina consider issues from a feminine perspective. You may not only have a terrific boyfriend, but now you may also be finding yourself with a terrific girlfriend. You may find he is now very interested in talking about makeup and clothes and shoes...and your feelings!

I hope these bits of insights help. Please do continue to post so you can join the group here that is all genetic girls (GGs) that will allow you to talk about these issues with other women who have first-hand experience, and do it in a private setting.

welcome again, and all my best to both of you!
tina

[Jill]

Hey Brittany, I hope that I can ad some of my own thoughts here that will be of a help to you.

Your initial post seems really frantic but that's ok, it's ok to be confused and upset so don't feel bad about being upset. Don't feel bad if you need a little time to sort things out. If he is anything like me, he may feel ashamed of what he does. I used to feel extremely ashamed and embarrassed, there was a time when telling anyone was completely out of the question, I could barely look at myself in the mirror when dressed. So for him to tell you is huge, I think it really shows that he trusts you. You may be the only person he has ever told and if that is true, then that really means something significant. Some women found out about this with their husbands after being married for 15 years and they find out by coming home from work early.

It seems, at least to me, that there is a tricky timing window when telling someone about this. If a guy tells a girl early in the relationship, she will likely take off, never to be seen or heard from again. If he waits to long, she's pissed that he didn't tell her sooner.

It's ok if you don't want to see him dressed, to have your continuing love and support is a tremendous gift. You sound like an accepting, loving person and I think that you should just be honest and communicate with him about how you are feeling, it sounds as though you have that kind of relationship already.

We're hear to offer support and answer any questions you have, don't be afraid to send us private messages if you want a more personal response.

[erica12b]

welcome and i can not add more than just keep an open mind and keep talking , here on the forum and with him

[Sally2005]

I would say the CDing is the least of your worries and maybe the most of his. What I mean is, there are some activities you mentioned that are illegal and dangerous. Cding is neither. The CDing however given that many people don't really understand anything about it might result in rejection that is not really justified so you can understand why someone would hide it. CDing can be just something fun some people do. You can enjoy it and accept it or be consumed with feeling shame.

[Jilmac]

I don't believe your boyfriend's desire to feel pretty has anything to do with his being raped. I can speak for myself when I say that I've been dressing since age 14 (I'm 64 now) because I wanted to look pretty and I was never raped. You also mentioned how manly he is and I can understand that as well, but the reasons which lead to crossdressing are as varied as the people who do it. I don't know if anybody will ever know for sure why they love to wear womens clothes, all I know is that it has been an integral part of me, (speaking for myself again), but I still enjoy being male too. Please keep open communication with him and try to learn as much about him as you can. Look at the big picture and if his crossdressing is just a small part of his vast personality, consider it as a part of him.

[Joy Carter]

Young lady I have much I could say, but others here have covered it quite well. I'm just going to say, if the love you share is real. Then grab onto it and hang on. Your young I know, but I married young and were going on forty years to forever. Take care and I wish the best for you both.

Joy Belinda Carter

[kathrynjanos]

I'll try to address this on a paragraph by paragraph basis:

So my boyfriend of 7 months (friend of 4 yrs) has just told me yesturday that he used to cross dress. Now, confused as hell, I turned here. I need help. I love him, more that I can describe and though im stuck in a world wind of emotions I do not feel embarrassed by him. Just confused.

Confusion is normal. Both for you and for him, so don't be surprised if he replies to your questions with "I don't know" or "I'm not sure." It's not usually a dodge, just the best answer that can honestly be given.

See we both come from broken homes and we were both raped so we have lived some what similar lives, but now that he has told me about cross dressing, I dont get it, because I dont understand. Im not saying its a serious factor and truth be told I dont mind, I just want to know why because I have always seen him as a the manliest man. I know that sounds stupid. But Im lost here. I have always seen him as gorgeous and dont understand how he couldnt. I dont understand how he doesnt feel pretty but dressing in womens clothes makes him feel that way.

Your upbringing may not necessarily have anything to do with his desires to crossdress, not to discount them entirely, of course, just stating that as fact. There could be any number of causes for CDing. Don't focus so much on the why, as much as the immediacy of the situation. Dwelling on that will only serve to continue your confusion, as you may never get a good enough answer. Perhaps he projects a very manly image to cover up for his own insecurities in that image? Just a thought, without knowing him it's hard to say.

He told me that he started cross dressing at the age of 12 and it went till he was 14. We are both 18 now. When I asked him why he was doing it, he said it was because he felt pretty. He felt like girls were always admired so he wanted to be one. He WANTED LOVE. He was "Stephanie" when he cross dressed, a person who was so comfortable with himself/ herself (?) when Martin (him in man clothes i guess ?) wasnt comfortable.

It's hard to say what this means, but I think that the desire to "feel pretty" in crossdressers is common. Whether that's a generality, or in specific need to feel pretty while dressed as a female is up in the air. It's hard to say why crossdressers do what they do, whether it is some compulsion to be perceived as the opposite sex, or because they feel that the opposite sex is received better in public opinion. Why he was more comfortable as Stephanie is more likely because he felt closer to an expression of his "inner self."

I just cant imagine years of him doing this. Him walking out of the house in heels and skirts and a wig. He was more of a woman than I am. Im sorry if that sounds wrong. I dont even wear heels and dresses.

I know what you mean, but it's time to imagine it, sister. If you want to be able to take him seriously and truly understand it, you need to encompass the full idea of what that means, and recognize the full extent of it.

I know that being raped has to do with some of it. I mean when I was raped at 15 I paniced and decided to be a lesbian for years. Granted, I did realise that it wasnt all men that were rapist, so I accepted it and countinued persuing guys. But it was hard for me. Let alone him. He was 6. SIX! Damn it, I cant imagine it. He was beaten and raped by the same guy twice. And I cant imagine being that confused at such a young age.

Sorry to say it, but that's not necessarily the case, as I stated before. While environment COULD have something to do with it, it's much more likely that he was truly born this way, and would have had some latent penchant for CDing regardless. Now, whether being forced to confront the nature of human sexuality accelerated or otherwise exacerbated the condition, we can't say.

So, what does anyone think. I cant describe how I feel, I dont feel ashamed by his cross dressing but Im pissed that he has just told me this NOW.

WHEN I WAS RAPED I VOWED TO :RELOSE: or HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX WITH SOMEONE ONLY IF I LOVED THEM AND THEY LOVED ME.

I feel dissapointed that lost it for the first time freely to him in March and I feel like I dont even know him now.

HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND HE KNEW ALL ABOUT MY LIFE AND HE SAID I KNEW ALL ABOUT HIS BUT HE LIED. HE JUST TOLD ME LIEK A WEEK AGO HE HAS DONE LIKE HARDCORE DRUGS FOR A LONG TIME, EVEN THOUGH HE HAS LED ME TO BELIEVE HE WAS SO STRAIGHTEDGE. I FEEL LIKE I DONT KNOW HIM NOW. AND ITS NOT JUST CROSS DRESSSING BUT WHY WOULD HE LIE ABOUT TAKING HEROIN AND COKE TOO. HES HE THAT ASHAMED OF IT ALL?

he said he'd know id leave him if he admitted it all. But i feel unloved that he lied. he did lie. not about cross dressing but about drugs too. ITs like who is he? Im not sure if i know

First off, you may feel that you did have some god given "right to know" sooner that he was a crossdresser, but you don't. Get that thought out of your head, and all your indignity at the situation goes out the door. A crossdresser has a social stigma that surrounds who he or she is, and overcoming that with people they know and care about can be damned near impossible! Did you really stop to consider that he was afraid of your reaction, or are you just regurgitating that without actually processing what it means?

(Before I get called a hypocrite here by other people, I should note that I have said that a reasonable period of time at the beginning of the relationship is acceptable and maybe even encouraged. You shouldn't just walk into your second date and say "By the way...")

The drugs are a separate issue, but let's face it, they fall under the same category of why he'd be afraid to tell you. Yes, that he should be telling you about, and yes, that's something to be upset about, but the CDing, well, that's his business until he's sure that the relationship is something he wants to pursue long term. If 7 months was what it took to make him sure of that, you can't blame him for that, so don't.

it just the fact he had got upset with me when i used to do drugs and when i recovered from bulimia and he checks up on me and makes me follow it. and when i relapse he gets pissed. THOUGH ITS NOT MY FAULT SINCE IM DOING IT ON MY OWN. but when i asked him a few questions about why and how he felt about the situation of cross dressing he was all like well its in the past and he shuns it away and he thinks im weird beacuse i dont get it. I dont get it! IM REALLY ****ING TRYING BUT I DONT GET WHY HE DID IT.

I can barely comprehend what you're saying there, but what I do understand, I'll answer. I wouldn't press him on the CDing. Get the basic facts, then slowly try to get him to open up about it to get your answers. Turn it into an interrogation and he'll clam up about it. Like I said, WHY is unimportant. It's most likely beyond the control of any human being on this earth. Does that help?

I also hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I can say that crossdressing is rarely if ever a one time deal. It's usually a life long struggle with buying, hiding, purging (destroying), and buying some more. Just because he has no desire right now doesn't mean it can't or won't come back, and you shouldn't expect to be able to control that or demand that he not do it. Just a fair warning.

The more he talks about it the more sadder it gets. Because it sounds like a drug addicts addiction to drugs. He says he would make up a fake list and write down like "pick up shoes or something" and he would liek call up payless ina girls voice and ask for like heels and say his son would pick it up. And then he would do his dry cleaning for the clothes because he didnt want anyone to see it. And he said he would hide it in boxes and put dust on the boxes so it looked like the boxes were never opend and no one would go in them. He told me he has under garments and 5 dresses 5 pairs of heels about 7 or 8 shirts and skirts. Hes cross dressing name was Stephanie and he became her when he dressed up. he felt like a different person liek a pretty person.

he says he threw out all the clothes and stopped it. Even though stephanie was his gateway out of reality and into a world where he was admired and loved in opposed to being bullied and raped. He asked me though if i wanted to met her. which i guess means If he can still dress up. But i dont no im scared. I know he doesnt want to be a woman jsut feel like one. IF that makes sence. I THINK ?

See above. Crossdressing really is a life-long struggle for some people who can't accept who they are. Consider what he asked - he's opened up to you, don't throw it back in his face, for the love of your relationship.

Im confused. Can some one explain to me what this means. I want to love him and accept him for who he is, but i dont know who he is right now? I love him but Im scared of seeing him in my clothes or just womens clothes in general/ I dont know how Id feel. I will not leave him, he has my heart. But what can i do.

What if he still wants to do it. Can i just tell him that i dont want to see him in those clothes but I dont mind if he does it. DOES THAT SOUND OK!?

AHHHH!

Can some one shed light on this subject

Brittany, I'm gonna be very honest here. I'll put this in red so if you see nothing else, you should see this - it rehashes my key points anyway.

It's good that you want to accept him for who he is. Be aware that this is as much an evolution for him as it is for you though, and that new awarenesses may come to him in the future, and you should be prepared for that. It's also natural for you to be scared of what you don't know or understand.

My advice? Meet Stephanie. See the man you love and the woman inside him. It's difficult, yes, but it's also really honestly necessary. It will give you the basis to make a much more informed decision on the issue, and allow him to feel like he's been able to fully present his case to you. Besides, once you've met her, you can remove a mental block, and may really find it's no big deal.

Remember one more important thing: It is not up to you to place unwavering boundaries on his actions. If you wish to do that, enter a convent, you're not fit for a relationship. Yes, SOME couples do come to an understanding, often forced or coerced about strict boundaries, but it places tension on a relationship.

If you don't want certain things, say so. ASK him if he is willing to commit to certain rules. If, after meeting Stephanie and discussing her existence with him, you still find you don't want to be around her, then say so. You're not forced to be around her any more than she can't exist. But give leeway. If he wants to wear a small item to keep himself grounded and in touch with that side, it should be an option. It's all give and take in relationships.

Start with what I said, and some of the other girls here, and come up with a plan that best suits your relationship.

Best of luck. If you have any specific questions or thoughts you don't want to otherwise voice, you can PM me or most any of the ladies here, and we'll respond in kind.

[boardpuppy]

If I had know 40 odd years ago what I know now, I would have told my SO before we were married. Thats's not to say I would have told her in the first few months but when I was sure that she was the only one for me. It didn't happen that way, I only told her a few months ago. We are both very stuborn people and it has helped us through the many ups and downs in our marriage, my DCing is only the latest one. He has to really trust you to "come out" to you. With only a few changes I could put myself in your BF's position. With you in the FAB forum and Stephanie/Martin (if he will join) here the confusion and emotional ups and downs will lesson (both of you reading/learning). Comming these ups and downs will take time, depending on where he settles in the Trans family, some girls figure it out in 6-12 months, others a lot longer (myself for one). Talking to each other is parmont.

Alice