Husband not a girlfriend

[Delila]

The fact that you say it is a small point in a bigger problem just shows that this isn't just about the vacation and the toe nail polish. What you are telling me Right Now is that this vacation isn't enough. What you are saying essentially is that you want more freedom in your every day lives...but, you are using the vacation to test your boundaries.

Is this what is Really going on?

It may be that I want to use the vacation to test the waters so to speak. I do want more in my daily life and I am honestly afraid to ask for it. The fear is probably self imposed but ultimately it is there. I don't think I want to go out fully dressed I really don't think I have the courage what I really want is to be able to wear more feminine clothes sometimes but really I am concerned about her comfort. She says that she doesnt care but that seems more of a "I care but I don't want to say so in case it hurts you." The times that I have tried to push the lines it has always seemed like it was pushing her comfort. How can you know when "I understand" really means that and is not just a trap to see how far you will push?

[Shananigans]

It may be that I want to use the vacation to test the waters so to speak. I do want more in my daily life and I am honestly afraid to ask for it. The fear is probably self imposed but ultimately it is there. I don't think I want to go out fully dressed I really don't think I have the courage what I really want is to be able to wear more feminine clothes sometimes but really I am concerned about her comfort. She says that she doesnt care but that seems more of a "I care but I don't want to say so in case it hurts you." The times that I have tried to push the lines it has always seemed like it was pushing her comfort. How can you know when "I understand" really means that and is not just a trap to see how far you will push?

You have to communicate. Now that you know what you are really asking for, you can start this level of communication. It's hard to do and you may have to go to a counselor for it to be really effective on the level that you are hoping for. It doesn't mean y'all are crazy or are having problems...but, sometimes it is nice to have an outside party who can see things that you cannot see and steer the conversations to a more constructive level. Those are just my thoughts..

[Delila]

You have to communicate. Now that you know what you are really asking for, you can start this level of communication. It's hard to do and you may have to go to a counselor for it to be really effective on the level that you are hoping for. It doesn't mean y'all are crazy or are having problems...but, sometimes it is nice to have an outside party who can see things that you cannot see and steer the conversations to a more constructive level. Those are just my thoughts..

I hope to respond to two posts with one. I can understand her wanting her own stress free vacation she has had more than one without me. This is a very hard conversation to address I have a hard time discussing such things without some alteration (reads liquor) so I think she doesnt take me seriously. I likely will never go out fully dressed I am very readable too tall with male build. I enjoy the occasional blend I also work to have such blends not be read. I do not trust councelors on any level and refuse to speak with one this is just a personal view on them. I guess this is really making a mountain out of a mole hill but I truly see it as a real limit or a marker that the only time that I have felt comfortable doing and sort of public dressing is when I plan to be on vacation and she shot me down. It makes me think that much of the support over the years has been false or really just saying what I want to hear knowing that I don't have the courage to follow through. This is one of the first times that I am really interested in going beyond the norm and pushing my bounderies. I gues maybe I am forgetting about her bounderies which is wrong.

[ReineD]

This is a very hard conversation to address I have a hard time discussing such things without some alteration (reads liquor) so I think she doesnt take me seriously.

That's not good, Delila. If it's important enough for you to post here, then it's important enough to have deeper a heart-to-heart with your wife.

Since you do work hard to have your occasional blends not be read, I'm at a loss to imagine why your wife is unwilling to have you express yourself unless, as you say, she doesn't know how important it is because the two of you have not had serious discussions about this?

I wouldn't go so far as saying that her support over the years was fake though. But if you express yourself only in private with her, then perhaps she doesn't understand why you'd want to do it in public? You do need to ask her.

[Kathy4ever]

In life we have to make choices. I think you have to make the choice of making her happy at this time. That is my problem as well. If you want the relationship to suceed I guess you have to use your inner feminity to please your spouse. It is easy for us to push the envelope but you both might end up having a miserable vacation. It seems to me you need relax and enjoy annd make her happy. On the inside you can hope she surprises you and let's you do something you want. Just becareful because wishing can lead to disappointment. Enjoy your vacation.

[kittypw GG]

Hi Delila,
Since you stated that this is the first vacation in a long time that you two will be alone, I can see why your wife said that she wanted to go on vacation with her husband and not a girlfreind. She wants romance with the man she married. In my marriage I did not like to mix a vacation with my husband with "her" especially since I only marinally enjoyed spending time with "her". Also there is the fear of the unknown. We would take mini vacations that were designated for him to streach his wings as "her". We would go to places that we already checked out as husband and wife. These would be gay clubs that were tolerant of trans people. I did not feel comfortable going out in the general public. Perhaps she is not either.

I would suggest you man it up on this vacation and when the time is right ask for a weekend away to be Delia. That always seemed fair to me. Good luck.

[erickka]

I can see your wife's point of view. You are fortunate in the fact that she is accepting. Bearing that in mind, and since marriage is a two way street ,I think that if I were in your shoes, I would do everything in my power to do what she requests of you. Later on down the road, there is a real good possibility that she may let you have a Delila weekend, since you were able to do for her as she asked on vacation.

[Claire Cook]

If my experience is any guide, be patient and take your time. Keep in mind that this is a mutual vacation, not just yours. You can express your femme side in ways that don't involve dressing -- buy her some roses, surprise her with nice earrings, or other thoughtful touches.

A good relationship takes time to build. Let her take the lead here, and as others have said, communicate.

[Rianna Humble]

I guess maybe I am forgetting about her bounderies which is wrong.

This is the first thing that I have read in this thread that gives me some hope that you and your wife will be able to communicate with each other about what you are each feeling.

Your wife married a man, it is not unreasonable for her to want to go on vacation with him. You corss-dress to a limited extent, it is not unreasonable for you to want to do that and perhaps a little more during part of your vacaction.

Instead of this being all about you or all about her, this needs to be all about communication. You need to listen to and try to understand her feelings, she needs to do the same for you. only then will you be able to work out a compromise where neither of you has to sublimate themself for the other.

[RebeccaJ]

As others have said, your wife is sending a message......she wants her husband for vacation, not a girlfreind. Only you know your wife best, but in my opinion, if you do not meet your wifes expectation I honestly think you will regret it.

[Holly]

The fact that you are suspicious of her motives tells me that the two of you have more communicating to do! When we are seeking a solution to a situation and it involves compromise, the nature of the action itself is going to involve stretching some boundaries and likely discomfort for both parties. The key is to do so with the proper attitudes... her, genuinely willing to allow you some latitude in your gender exploration during part of your vacation and you, giving your wife her guy time free of resentment on your part. The sooner you begin a dialog with her, the sooner you both can reach an agreement. And be prepared to continue the conversation after the vacation as well. I hope you both have a great time.