Something in the way I think has really changed since Spring.
In short, I'm just damn tired of 'hiding' every time I am dressed at home. I look to see if the neighbors are outside before I go into the yard, I duck back into the house if I hear a car coming, I am always super cautious about where I am and who can see me.
But somehow this Spring I just basically stopped caring. Not all in one day, but it happened pretty quickly. I still glance out to see if my neighbors are around, but sometimes don't even bother until I'm already outside. If a car comes past on the road (with a good view into the yard) I don't dash for the house anymore. I MIGHT walk behind someting that will block the view a bit, or I might just turn my back as it goes past... several times when out in a skirt I haven't bothered to do either.
I think today was when I realized that I'd reached a turning point. When a car went up the road about an hour ago, I barely bothered to hide (I did turn away from it so my face wasn't showing). I was in the yard with a Summer dress and forms. A few minutes later the same car came back past. This time I just watched it and saw both the driver and passenger pretty much staring at me as they drove past.
I still don't want the hassle of having to explain things to people who don't understand, or defending what I do to people I work with... but on the other hand, I also don't really want to spend all the energy it takes anymore to hide.
I've been hiding who I am for 40 years now, and all of that time I've given lip service to the idea that I don't really care what other people think, but still I hid. It was just easier.
Well, now I think I'm FINALLY at the point where I just don't have the energy any more to give a **** what other people think. I'm tired of hiding a major part of myself.
I've been going over in my mind what the consequences might be, and they are all at the point now where it is pretty much no more uncomfortable to be open about who I am than it would be to keep hiding.
Parents: Both still alive, but now pretty much house-bound. I won't TELL them anything, but if gossip gets to them, I think the most that would happen is that we'd have a conversation about it.
Siblings: I have Sisters who's reaction would probably range from 'cool' to maybe one who would just not 'get it'. Either way, at this point if she can't accept me it is time for it to be HER problem, not mine.
Work: This would be bound to be fun. Work is full of gossip, backstabbing and rumors by a lot of small-minded people. But I'm tired of people like that running MY life. At least I really really doubt this would effect my job security, if for nothing else than the fact that after A+ performance reviews for a decade, it would be hard to explain why my leaving would NOT be related to this revelation.
Friends: This is the only one that worries me a bit I hang out in some groups that are not close enough to be 'friends', but I do see every week. These are the kinds of people who could make things uncomfortable for me if they wanted to... and if I got too uncomfortable enough to stop going to activities, my social life would go down the toilet.
Along with the 'casual' friends, I do have several close friends. I can certainly imagine a few of them not caring at all... but there are also a few who I really can't read.
What I will NOT do right now is start going out more dressed. At this point the only change I see is just not hiding at home and in my own yard anymore. But in such a small town, I can see word spreading like wildfire through the community as soon as it gets out (for instance, the best friend of one of my neighbors is the husband of a co-worker of mine).
All in all, I don't really see this as a 'decision' I've made. I just find myself not caring anymore and don't really think I could go back into hiding if I wanted to. So at this point all I can do is sit back and watch things play out.
I'm really looking forward to input from people who have gone through similar changes.