Camera outs me to my son

[Emma Leigh]

Thanks Renne, I thought I was being careful too

[Kerstin]

I also have a son who is close to your own son's age, and we share a similar routine, with him staying over one night at the weekend with regular weekday visits. If something similar happened to me I would wait a few days and then contact him any way I could and be 100% honest to him. I wouldn't pressure him, I'd merely explain things without asking anything of him. Does your son have Facebook or an email address? Maybe you could write him a message when you feel the time is right.

[Kate T]

I suspect that this will not be easy.
I believe that you will have to be honest. Completely honest. You must answer every question asked by your children in as honest a manner possible that they will be able to understand. Your children will forgive you. BUT they will see through any deception very quickly.

Oh, and GET RID of those photos!!! If they are that innappropriate (implied from your post "explicit") then ask yourself why you took those photos originally. AND don't take any more!

[Emma Leigh]

He does have both Kerstin but he very rarely uses them

Your children will forgive you. BUT they will see through any deception very quickly.

Oh, and GET RID of those photos!!! If they are that innappropriate (implied from your post "explicit") then ask yourself why you took those photos originally. AND don't take any more!

Hope you are right Adina, re the photos I reiterate they were old and I went through a phase which I cannot explain and no longer understand myself,except I know at the time I felt worthless, I deleted them immediately when I saw them

[Eryn]

Emma, have you heard from your ex yet?

[Kate T]

Hope you are right Adina, re the photos I reiterate they were old and I went through a phase which I cannot explain and no longer understand myself, except I know at the time I felt worthless, I deleted them immediately when I saw them

This then is the reason that I would suggest giving if your children or ex wife ask about those photos. I would forget trying to make up excuses or a story. It was done, a mistake was made (i.e. the photos) and you are now doing your best to fix that mistake.

I say again, children are perceptive and forgiving. Given the truth I doubt they will reject you, if anything they are likely to embrace you more.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Emma, It's going to be hard to un-ring that bell.

[JaneAshland]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide. At his young age, a boy sees his dad as his hero, etc, and would just not understand what we do, and I would never attach all that stress to him and try to explain as a CD. Just my opinion....

I don't like to lie, but in this case, you must do what is best for your son, and his on mental being, and not what is most ethical, or easiest for you. And I just don't see a 9yr old being able to comprehend this, I think it would just add unnecessary stress to his life at this point. Sure, you may feel better, by telling the truth, and unload guilt on your part, but at your son's expense??? Better that you suffer with guilt and protect your child.

I would most definitely get some professional opinions on this.

[Kate T]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide. At his young age, a boy sees his dad as his hero, etc, and would just not understand what we do, and I would never attach all that stress to him and try to explain as a CD. Just my opinion....

I don't like to lie, but in this case, you must do what is best for your son, and his on mental being, and not what is most ethical, or easiest for you. And I just don't see a 9yr old being able to comprehend this, I think it would just add unnecessary stress to his life at this point. Sure, you may feel better, by telling the truth, and unload guilt on your part, but at your son's expense??? Better that you suffer with guilt and protect your child.

I would most definitely get some professional opinions on this.

I agree that telling children should not be accompanied with "but you mustn't tell anyone" or any other sort of caveat. But I suspect you may be surprised at how much a 9 year old comprehends. I know I constantly am with my children.

[Kerstin]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide.

That is a really good point. I guess it depends on the child. Telling the white lie that you were getting ready for a fancy dress party would actually be a good option if you didn't want to burden the children with the CD issue. But the ex will need to go along with it, and Emma doesn't know what she's said to the kids yet.

[Nicole Erin]

That is difficult.
I think most people, no matter how old, would be traumatized by seeing explicit photos of our parents.

Things could be worse though. I mean what if he had the camera hooked to an overhead projector and during the presentation, the whole class saw the pictures?

I mean things could have been way worse.

[EllieOPKS]

I agree with Jane as far as telling a lie or whatever it takes to give the kid peace of mind. I would not wait to have one on one time with him and let him talk. You need to make him feel more loved than he has ever been. And one more thing, you should send you ex a dozen roses for telling you what the issue was with him. Having her tell him that you are the good person you really are will help you reestablish that bond and move forward.

[Natalie D]

Oh Emma I've only just come across this. What a dreadful thing to happen.
I can only hope that your ex will talk to you soon. Hopefully then you can get things sorted. Time is a good healer and hopefully she will come round soon. Do you have a friend or family member that could talk to her first and explain how upset you are and need to talk with her about this.

When my son was about 10 I had big event. We talked about it and it has never been mentioned again. He just accepted it and we moved on. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you just how strong and resilient our kids can be.

I really hope you get this sorted out soon.

I really feel for you.

[Emma Leigh]

I would like to thank all of you for your advise and kind words,

Today due to an act of misfortune for my daughter, who was ill, my ex had only 2 alternatives either take the day off work or bring her to me for me to care for her as I dont work on Mondays, she chose the latter, and at least my daughter has no misgivings about me as she acted just as she always has with me. And when the ex called to take her home, she was fine too, I asked about the Ireland trip and was told my daughter would definitely be coming along, and she would run us to the airport!!!!. The acid test is still my son however, and no one can answer for him.

[Sissy_in_pink]

This is why your kids should see you dressed at a very young age, the first time you are left alone with them for any lenghth of time you should put on something obviously feminine and spend time with them, by doing this they will think it is normal and think nothing of it and untill we all do that there will always be people out there that will not except us and isn't exceptance what we are trying to achieve.

[moondog]

If everybody acts like this is a big deal he'll react occordingly, however, if you and the ex approach this as nothing worth any great consideration it very well may defuse the whole situation.

[Natalie D]

Oh well that's a start.
So has your son said he's not going to Ireland? Or did your ex just not say. I would guess he'd still want to go with you, especially as your daughter is going.
If your ex it running you to the airport that would suggest that she is happy to move on.
Good luck

[Emma Leigh]

If everybody acts like this is a big deal he'll react occordingly, however, if you and the ex approach this as nothing worth any great consideration it very well may defuse the whole situation.

You may be right, a lot of people advised me similarly, and I listened

Oh well that's a start.
So has your son said he's not going to Ireland? Or did your ex just not say. I would guess he'd still want to go with you, especially as your daughter is going.
If your ex it running you to the airport that would suggest that she is happy to move on.
Good luck

He has,nt been in touch at all, but I have just joined facebook and sent him a friend request, which he has accepted, but without comment. My daughter said he has been very bad tempered and shouting a lot though, it may be he has,nt confided in anyone

[Gaby2]

Oh Emma I've only just come across this...

Hi Em!
Just like Nath a few hours ago, I've only just read your thread now.
My 10 year-old daughter is sleeping soundly upstairs.
I had lengthy conversations on the phone with my Ex today... who really wants to know everything about everything.
It is difficult striking a balance... and in the end, it always seems like I never get it right (enough).
It doesn't matter what happened, or how unfortunate and even silly the camera incident might have been.
What matters is that you love your son with all your heart.
And you love your son with all your heart.
Gaby

[Emma Leigh]

My 10 year-old daughter is sleeping soundly upstairs.
I had lengthy conversations on the phone with my Ex today... who really wants to know everything about everything.
It is difficult striking a balance... and in the end, it always seems like I never get it right (enough).
It doesn't matter what happened, or how unfortunate and even silly the camera incident might have been.
What matters is that you love your son with all your heart.
And you love your son with all your heart.
Gaby

Hi Gaby
Its like trying to live 2 seperate lives, and yes I do love him with all my heart, which is why I am so worried

[Gaby2]

Hi Gaby
Its like trying to live 2 seperate lives, and yes I do love him with all my heart, which is why I am so worried

Yeah.
If it helps, I'm a little worried about my relationship to my 10-year old too.
And I don't think that she has had such an experience, which would make me feel "guilty" in a similar way.
But still I worry and just hope things will be ok between us.
It might have something to do with this age-group and, of course, the fact that I live apart from her mother.
I don't know.
My 15-year-old and I have a much less "complicated" relationship.
Thinking of you,
Gaby

[Emma Leigh]

Yeah.
If it helps, I'm a little worried about my relationship to my 10-year old too.
And I don't think that she has had such an experience, which would make me feel "guilty" in a similar way.
But still I worry and just hope things will be ok between us.
It might have something to do with this age-group and, of course, the fact that I live apart from her mother.
I don't know.
My 15-year-old and I have a much less "complicated" relationship.
Thinking of you,
Gaby

Just be more careful than I was!!

[Gaby2]

Just be more careful than I was!!

OK Em, I'll do my best, Gaby

[Eryn]

Today due to an act of misfortune for my daughter, who was ill, my ex had only 2 alternatives either take the day off work or bring her to me for me to care for her as I dont work on Mondays, she chose the latter, and at least my daughter has no misgivings about me as she acted just as she always has with me. And when the ex called to take her home, she was fine too, I asked about the Ireland trip and was told my daughter would definitely be coming along, and she would run us to the airport!!!!. The acid test is still my son however, and no one can answer for him.

I wouldn't wish illness on anyone, but this one was well timed, reminding your ex that you are a valuable part of your children's lives!

I think that your son will come around. 12-year-olds are resiliant and memories fade.

Keep your chin up, things are getting back to normal!

[DanaR]

I wouldn't wish illness on anyone, but this one was well timed, reminding your ex that you are a valuable part of your children's lives!

I think that your son will come around. 12-year-olds are resiliant and memories fade.

Keep your chin up, things are getting back to normal!

I agree with Eryn. Just make sure that you don't do anything to upset the apple cart for a while and then try contacting your ex again. As was mentioned, you can't unring the bell, but you can show them that you are indeed sorry for what happened.

This is why I say, kids don't need to know because it can affect them in other ways. You'll have to be a little more careful about your stuff that they might see.