Tired of my wife not being more accepting of my crossdressing

[LindaMarie]

We've been married for over 28 years.

I crossdressed before we married but didn't tell my wife because

1) it was 1981, I felt guilty and ashamed about my wanting to crossdress and there was still so little information and support available

2) I really thought that once we were married, the need for me to crossdress would end.

As you can guess, the need to crossdress never went away.

After a few years of marriage, I tried to tell my wife about my desire to crossdress. I wasn't as honest as I should have been. I didn't tell her that it had been a long term need for me. I told her it was something I was interested in and wanted to explore.

She was initially somewhat accepting. However, I took things too quickly, dressed too often and she became very uncomfortable with it.

Since then, my crossdressing has been the "elephant in the room" in our relationship. Whenever we try to talk about it, we get into a big fight. I know she thinks less of me because I want to crossdress and I've begun to resent her less than accepting attitude.

I can't fully understand the shock she must have felt when she learned about my crossdressing and I wish I had been more honest when we first started talking about crossdressing. I've made plenty of mistakes and didn't always try as hard as I should have to understand her feeling or what she was going through.

But, it's been over 20 years now. I've been a good husband. I've been out as Linda just a few times but have mostly dressed at home when my wife is not at home. I've really tried to be understanding about how this is all difficult for her.

Still, I've begun to feel more and more resentful of the way she treats me and her attitude toward my crossdressing. It would be wonderful if she felt like some of the SOs and wives here who say they don't care what their husbands wear as long as they're happy. I don't expect that will ever be the case. I would just like her to acknowledge that I'm not this terrible person.

Her attitude towards me has become less affectionate and I find that I'm feeling the same way towards her. I've become tired of being the one that almost always seems to be making the first move or the one who shows affection. I don't like the path we're on but I don't see how we're going to change it.

She's always been somewhat controlling, even in matters not related to crossdressing. I don't know if that's at the root of our problems. She seems to think she should know best what kinds of things I should do in the little spare time I have.

I don't know what kind of answer or response I'm looking for. I really don't have anyone to talk with about this. We tried couples therapy years and years ago. The therapist seemed to feel that my crossdressing, while an issue in our marriage, really wasn't the awful thing that my wife thought it was.

Has anyone had good results from seeing a couples therapist?

I am so jealous of those of you who are married to women who accept you for who you are.

[JulieK1980]

I'm very sorry to hear about that! I can't honestly relate to the so part, but I wanted to say, that for me, and my wife couples counseling, didn't work very well, and after several months of it, we gave it up, and worked through our issues together.. We saw the counselor over an affair she had while I was deployed in the Navy, so it may be different, for your circumstances.. I found that the counselors, were biased in their own way, and already had a predisposed opinion of the both of us, which made it impossible for either of us to communicate effectively with the counselor..

I wish you the best, and I hope everything works out well for you!:hugs:

[JulieC]

I can't speak to how to re-spark things with your wife.

One observation though; I've noticed a general trend among married CDers where we usually want more acceptance/support/encouragement than our wives give us, irrespective of how much we get.

There are CDers, I am sure, who would be envious of being able to maintain a 28 year long marriage with someone who knew about their crossdressing, even after telling after you got married.

There are CDers, such as yourself, that would be envious of my marriage and the support I get for CDing. Yet, I find myself sometimes wanting more from my wife than she gives in support of my CDing sometimes. I reject these notions and wants because my wife is who she is. I am not going to change her, and I am not going to get more than what she wants to give. I love her dearly, and accept what she offers.

Some wives are so unaccepting they leave, sometimes immediately. Some are unaccepting, and leave later. Some are unaccepting, but are willing to stay if they don't have to deal with crossdressing. This sounds like your wife.

After 20+ years, the solution here is apparent (at least to me). Your wife is accepting enough that she isn't going to leave you over crossdressing. But, she doesn't want to have to wrangle with the issue. Don't bring it up and don't dress in front of her. Don't leave your femme things in places she is likely to encounter. Do crossdress when you can/want.

[DeniseNJ]

Are you sure your not married to my WIFE ???? all the qoutes you said , I fully understand. Yes I am the Bitch in the house, (till I get real MAD). I cook , I clean I take her advise as not to stirr trouble, she is somewhat controling, not many guys would put up with my wife. When we first started dating back in 1986 , halloween came around and she suggested I dress up as a girl ( I was in Glee and have been dressing all my life I was so thrilled to her suggestion, I had a blast and was a hit at the party. The first few years she let me dress and we had some wild times . My wife has her demons that I dislike BUT I tollerate her behavior. I too am not a bad person and I am the same guy she married BUT there is a part of me that wants to do things as Denise just to spite her for not being reasonable, I am not asking for total acceptence, just some understanding or leway. She won't even look at me when I dress now but it's OK if she gets STONE Drunk and embarrassing, I am supposed to accept that. LINDA I feel your pain for it is mine also. I don't want to be a bad person but my fantacies are strong and I may turn them into reality. If she would only let me express myself more I would be more satified!!! Your not alone!!!

[KayC]

I'm sorry your marriage has taken the turn that it has but it doesn't sound like it's a recent development and the fix may not be quick either. I'd highly recommend a marriage counselor for the two of you, but make sure it's someone well versed in CD so they focus on the root problems that need addressed instead of getting hung up on CD.
Control well may be at issue here...CD is something your wife isn't able to control and that alone could make her uncomfortable. It'd be nice if she'd at least agree to a time when you could dress so you wouldn't have to feel apologetic for it. My recommendations to the two of you is to focus on mutual respect, relinquish control over the other, find something in common you can enjoy together, and always treat each other with dignity. Sometimes with a long term marriage, after 20+ years they discover they don't have a lot in common and growing dissatifaction develops...they must both re-fall in love with each other and that requires positive time spent together and positive interaction when so doing. I have learned so much from marriagebuilders.com where they have tools such as emotional needs questionairre, and books such as Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is a vast forum where there are experts to lend advice and it's all very helpful.
I don't think this is all about CDing, but I wish you the best in your desire to put your marriage on good footing.

[Malori Cross]

Ditto Ditto Ditto and did I say Ditto?

I am in the same situation--Malori is the elephant in the closet we never discuss. Nice to know I'm not alone.

[LisaM]

Linda,

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is suffering. I am in the Ditto camp---you need to find a marriage counselor who is knowledgeable about CD/TG issues and who can help you both.

[Sara Jessica]

I normally don't involve myself in relationship threads simply because it can be such a touchy subject. Also, I can't fathom what a lot of us go through in making the decision to tell their spouses after marriage or even to decide to remain in hiding. Not being able to relate renders me somewhat silent on those things.

That said, your situation is closer to mine. My wife knew before we married (although not aware of the depth of my issues). She is more than tolerant but less than accepting. She gives me space, runs interference, etc. We even communicate decently well about it of late which has been really nice. However, there is one simple thought that entered my mind when I read the title of your thread and this is it...

Would you prefer being tired of your wife not being there?

In other words, could your frustration push her towards making you an ultimatum, or worse? Just something to think about. Be careful and I wish you the best.

[Gina's dress-up]

Hi Linda

I also have about the same problem you have, I married my high school sweetheart in 82 we dated for three years. i join the service she went with me i never told her about my cding. one day she ask me if she could paint my face and dress me, i reply yes, then i ask how she figure that i crossdress she had a fit, she said all she wanted to do was have fun, well that what started everything about me. I confess to her that i was a crossdresser and she told why did i lied to her she also told me that if she had known we would have not gotten married.We have gone to counseling about my cding, my wife tells the therapist, that she will tired to understand me, once we leave its good for a few weeks then she starts again telling why this why that etc....

Sometimes i think she wants me out of the house, but do not know how to tell me, since we been married for 28years, i think that why she holds on. I do love her every much, and she knows. Therfore i dont push her anymore about me, i tired so much i give up. i only dress when i am alone at the house.
I hope this well help you a little, that you are not alone. Love Gina

[María José]

Your wife married the man. You didn´t tell her anything about "the woman".

You can not oblige her to accept your crossdressing.

It is up to you to decide what to do.

My wife knows I crossdress. But she has been very clear: she wants the man. She accepts I dress when I travel; she acepts I have friends like you, "girls" like me; she has seen me dressed at home; she enjoys my pictures dressed. But crossdressing is not part of our lives as a couple.

If I go further our marriage will be finished.

You have to decide what to do. I have come to a balance that permits me to crossdress and to enjoy live with the girl I love. It is not easy, but is works ...

We have been married for 25 years. I crossdress since I vas 12, I´m 52 now. She knows I crossdress since five year ago.

[JenniferR771]

Me too, Linda Marie. Dittto times two. Couples counseling did not work. Sometimes we were not speaking when we left his office. However it is not entirely the crossdressing. My wife is not a social person. When children and then grandchildren came along her focus and love shifted off center to them. And homophobic to cd.

[CharleneT]

I would seriously consider trying couples therapy again. I know it didn't seem to work back a few years. Maybe now is different, especially if with a new therapist.

[giuseppina]

Hello LindaMarie,

Maybe another try or three with a professional therapist with experience in dealing with gender issues will be able to help you and your wife sort through your troubles. Chances are good there are other issues that should be dealt with besides your crossdressing. If you both don't connect with the first therapist, try again until you find someone you can work with.

Best of luck,:hugs:
Giuseppina

[Satrana]

But, it's been over 20 years now. And that is the real problem for you. There is a battle of wills going on, you trying to encourage more acceptance, she not willing to give in. It is no longer about the CDing any more, it is about intransigence. In fact since she has stayed with you, I suspect that CDing is not a major deal for her at all.

No matter how shocking the revelation was to your wife 20 years ago, that cannot nor should not ever be used to not move forward in the relationship and reach a satisfactory, mature compromise. 20 years is more than enough time for her to have chipped away at the prejudices and accommodated who you are. The last 20 years should have seen a gradual relaxation in her attitude. The fact that this has not happened means she believes she has won this battle of wills.

Having got away with it for so long what makes you think she would ever be interested in changing the status quo? Those advising to see a councilor is fine if both parties want to resolve the issue. It sounds to me that she does not want to resolve this situation as this would result in her having to give ground and begin steps towards acceptance. She will ignore such advice.

At this stage anything short of a major announcement like the threat of divorce is not going to change her mind. I presume that is not on the cards so you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only alternative may be to force the issue by dressing against her rules. If you are going to change the dynamics then you are going to have to take risks.

[LindaMarie]

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my original post. You've given me a lot to think about.

Like a lot of us in mid-life (a euphemism for being in my mid 50s), I think the realization that time is getting shorter has begun to make me think more about what it is I really want and how to accomplish it. I think it's important that I continue to meet my responsibilities and obligations, but in the context of those responsibilities, I wonder if I can do more of the things I've always wanted to do while balancing my needs with those of the important people in my life.

Thanks again for your support and thought provoking messages.

[AmiFL]

Linda, I just read your post (re: Tired). OMG, we are walking in the same shoes, hopefully nice pumps. I guess it's like any relationship. Some wives accept "golfing or Sunday football" as a husbands release and share in the fun. Others, but not ours, enjoy playing dress-up with their spouse.

I always live by the philosophy it could be worse.

[mklinden2010]

>>I don't know what kind of answer or response I'm looking for. I really don't have anyone to talk with about this. We tried couples therapy years and years ago. The therapist seemed to feel that my crossdressing, while an issue in our marriage, really wasn't the awful thing that my wife thought it was.


If you don't know what kind of answer or response you're looking for, how will you know it when you get it?

You do have your wife to talk to.... Rather than argue, "rights" and "equal time" or things like that, just level with her about how you feel and how you'd like to feel in your marriage. Discuss with her how she feels and how she'd like to feel in her marriage and daily life.

The therapist is not your wife, or, anyone that close to you. Either one of you could dismiss the therapist's "opinion" by saying, "Easy for you to say, bub!" Refrain from escalating, rerouting, halting your discussions by bringing up other people, past fights, odds and ends of newspaper articles unless such evidence obviously brings you closer together.

Last, 28 years means nothing special - as you have proven. If it's 28 years of doing the same clumsy thing over and over again and getting unhappy results... Try working on both of you being happy one day at a time - no more, no less.

Face life together. Find something else to work on as a couple that's a better project than your crossdressing issues. Odds are good that if you two find something you both like better to do, each of you will feel better about occasional "me time" for either of you.

Be happy.

[Mary Jane]

I understand completely where you are coming from since my situation is much the same as yours. I wish the wives could understand that we are the same people no matter what we are wearing or look like. I wish you luck.

[Tamara Croft]

Maybe if you gave her the choice in the first place before you were married, maybe things would be different. But you're just another selfish person who thinks all women should accept CD'ing, even though YOU lied to her for years in the first place... and now you're tired of her... how do you think she feels? She married a man, not a woman... she doesn't have to accept anything and the more you push it, the more she'll back away from you and then what? she leaves?

[Karren H]

How can your wife be in so many places at one time!! And as far as lying... I'm the queen.. Just ask my wife who referes to me almost daily as "the liar". Sigh...

I always subscribed to the "not telling" isn't lying because I never said I didn't if asked a direct question and I actually told the truth the first time she asked!! So in my little logical engineer mind I'm not a liar, right Tamara??

You don't need to answer because that doesn't fly with my wife either!!

[Tamara Croft]

Karren... all you need is this :slap:

[Karren H]

Karren... all you need is this :slap:

Oh Yeah.... I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't need that.. Lol

[Di]

This comment :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

She was initially somewhat accepting. However, I took things too quickly, dressed too often and she became very uncomfortable with it.

Looks like to me she tried at first out of love but you had to be selfish and now you are are at odds over it and you say you are tired of her not being more accepting


I know you tried kidding yourself with all the reasons WHY you did not say anything before hand...but the fact of the matter is you lead her to believe...one thing and had this hidden from her
and she did not get over her feeling betrayed AND SOUNDS LIKE
she is trying to keep it in check by keeping it in check her way after all she tryed and you did not think of her but only yourself.

I had a GG tell me is was worse than dealing with adultery that she never can get over the feeling of being betrayed. So please for both your sakes talk to someone together again and work this out.

[Sarah_GG]

Have you tried suggesting, gently, that she could, if she wanted to, find out more about it and find a bunch of supportive other GGs (who're in the same boat, ie being the partners of CDers) on this site, specifically the FAB forum?

It's so much easier for us SOs to accept if we're told from the beginning. I completely understand the reasons why that wasn't possible for you, but I'm not sure what you've done to try to engage your wife's curiosity and support over the years?

If there's still love then there's still hope. Counselling is a good idea, especially when communication becomes difficult.

Good luck :)

[Jenny Brown]

another "tired of my wife not being more accepting" thread? :yawn:
wait...didn't you lose a job for logging onto cd websites while at work?
And she's still not accepting? I wonder why?

[Holly]

So what is it that you want, Linda? Do you still love your wife? Have you told HER that recently? Linda, more often than not, problems within a relationship are caused by not communicating with one another. When is that last time the two of you really sat down with the intent to really communicate what was going on within yourselves? There is no shame in seeking outside help. Please don't let past disappointing experiences govern your future actions. If the love is still there, it IS worth fighting for.

[sherri52]

Not to talk about therapists have you tried to get your wife involved in your dressing. Ask her opinion or get her to help with your make up. Try it slowly of course but it an idea

[sissystephanie]

So what is it that you want, Linda? Do you still love your wife? Have you told HER that recently? Linda, more often than not, problems within a relationship are caused by not communicating with one another. When is that last time the two of you really sat down with the intent to really communicate what was going on within yourselves? There is no shame in seeking outside help. Please don't let past disappointing experiences govern your future actions. If the love is still there, it IS worth fighting for.

Holly, I have to say that if you are the (unofficial) CD Mom, then at my age I must be your Mom!!

What you said in the above quote is so very true! I believe that many married CD's are so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget that their wives married a man. And they want the love of that man!! As many of you know, I told my late wife BEFORE we married. I stronly believe that is the proper time to do it. When she passed away 4+ years we had spent 49+ plus years together. I was her husband, lover, and her best girl friend! Yes, we went out together as two girls at times. She was totally supportive from the day I told her, because I never let her forget that under the lingerie and dress or skirt, I was still her MAN!!

Your opening post sounds like you think it is all your Wife's fault! As Holly so wise said, communication is the name of the game. It sounds as though you and your wife do not communicate very well. Contrary to some others, I think some sessions with a person trained in Gender Therapy would help both of you. You admitted that you pushed her, now you need to back off a little and maybe the two of you can set some guidelines. As Holly also said, if there is love there between you, it is worth fighting for!!

[paulaN]

ditto ditto ditto. I was in the same boat. After 31 years my marriage ended. I still loved her. But she said enough. She would not accept my cding. The divorice was very hard for me at first. A real rollacoaster ride. It has been almost a year now. And I am very happy. Happily divoriced. I can be myself now. Oh I still have lots of days when I love her, but she would not love me back because I was a cd, and I say to myself that was no good for me. So I move on. life is good ya know. Don't let it pass you by because of a unforgiving wife. And that's what this thread is all about unforgiving wifes. Not just unaccepting ones. I do however wish all of you the best of luck in making it all work. I could not and am happier for it.

[Rebecca Jayne]

Maybe your wife sees this as a threat to her femininity.
Another woman in the house, there's not room for the 2 of us.

Let's look at it in another perspective.

You are not a crossdresser.
Your at the breakfast table and your wife says I'm gonna be a man from now on.

I am going to use power tools, heavy equipment, track mud in, belch & burp, cuss and scratch etc....

How would you react, your turf is being invaded.

the real difference is you are a man and
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
And you can't touch that one.

If you want your marriage to keep going
I suggest small steps my sister.

Been there done that.

[Satrana]

And that's what this thread is all about unforgiving wifes. Not just unaccepting ones.

I agree. What gets me about these types of debates is how CDing is made to appear as some kind of special situation where traits you expect your SO to express to you like empathy, understanding and forgiveness apparently no longer apply. Since SOs cannot outline a rationale why it is wrong for a man to wear a dress they target something else.

If you go to websites where SOs gather to protest their disapproval then they even put the ideas in capitals like it was a Hollywood film or a definitive medical condition - The Big Lie, The Betrayal etc. Is CDing really such a treacherous act that it is forever unforgivable when revealed? It is not difficult to convince guilt-ridden CDs that it is.

And the sad fact is there are plenty of CDs who do inform their SOs early on before marriage who still end up with unforgiving partners who feel betrayed because the CDing has not remained exactly as described decades ago......as if that could be a realistic expectation.

IMHO these are convenient excuses not to move on because that would mean SOs facing up to their responsibility to tackle their own feelings of "wrongness", the prejudice that society has injected into everyone. It means having to give up stereotypes of what a man should look and behave like. It means having to share female roles and privileges just as men have had to do to accommodate women's rights.

Many SOs duck this issue because it is not a mainstream movement. There is no national debate about the right of men to express their femininity so SOs feel isolated, exposed and scared. They do not want to be the odd one out having to deal with a social stigma. They shut down rather than open up.

It is not easy what CDs ask of their SOs but that is not a reason to dodge asking questions of themselves and not for settling upon the route of unforgiveness and burying their heads in the sand.

[Jonianne]

Linda, you can try gently asking your wife "How can we work this out to where both of us are reasonable happy?" Tell her that you can be OK with her not accepting the crossdressing and not participating, but that all you need is for her to be OK with you, knowing that you crossdress. Try counseling again, keep trying to find ways of letting her know that you love her. Ask her to work out boundries with you and stick by them. I'm sorry, it sounds like neither of you are very happy at all.

[LindaMarie]

Thanks again for all the great replies to my original post. I really appreciate them.

[mklinden2010]

Well, you could get fired from work for logging onto non-work related websites.

And, that would be more likely if you're not easily able to surf from home because your wife of 28 years gives you hell for being who you are.

[KayC]

I agree. What gets me about these types of debates is how CDing is made to appear as some kind of special situation where traits you expect your SO to express to you like empathy, understanding and forgiveness apparently no longer apply. Since SOs cannot outline a rationale why it is wrong for a man to wear a dress they target something else.

If you go to websites where SOs gather to protest their disapproval then they even put the ideas in capitals like it was a Hollywood film or a definitive medical condition - The Big Lie, The Betrayal etc. Is CDing really such a treacherous act that it is forever unforgivable when revealed? It is not difficult to convince guilt-ridden CDs that it is.

And the sad fact is there are plenty of CDs who do inform their SOs early on before marriage who still end up with unforgiving partners who feel betrayed because the CDing has not remained exactly as described decades ago......as if that could be a realistic expectation.

IMHO these are convenient excuses not to move on because that would mean SOs facing up to their responsibility to tackle their own feelings of "wrongness", the prejudice that society has injected into everyone. It means having to give up stereotypes of what a man should look and behave like. It means having to share female roles and privileges just as men have had to do to accommodate women's rights.

Many SOs duck this issue because it is not a mainstream movement. There is no national debate about the right of men to express their femininity so SOs feel isolated, exposed and scared. They do not want to be the odd one out having to deal with a social stigma. They shut down rather than open up.

It is not easy what CDs ask of their SOs but that is not a reason to dodge asking questions of themselves and not for settling upon the route of unforgiveness and burying their heads in the sand.

Wow, this is pretty militant and inflammatory! I sincerely hope you aren't married with these views. This seems like a personal attack on GGs. Most of us GGs here are accepting and are grappling to come to terms with all that it means to us...who qualified you to say we should share our feminine roles and equate it with getting equal pay for equal work? I'm not a women's libber, I've always tried to be understanding and supportive of the man in my life, and just because some GGs (myself included) want a man to be and look like a man at least some of the time, that IS why we got involved with them to begin with, we're targeted as unaccepting and unforgiving? Give me a break! If a person feels like this, they shouldn't be in a relationship, period! This isn't all about CDers, it's about us too! Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing, there ARE other things in life, bills that need paid, homes that need maintained, family that needs visited, jobs that need gone to, etc. And what this does to the social life?! It's thinking like this that causes some SOs to go bury their head in the sand!

[mklinden2010]

You both makes some good points, and miss the target in a few places.

Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size.

One of you argues that the SO needs to do more, the other argues that the CDer needs to do less.

However, one person in the couple can't succeed at getting happily through life unless the other does too.

If you want to play "Tug-of-War" and win, get on the same side.

[Alice B]

I can't give you an answer, but I did note one thing in your post. The issue about you wife wanting to be in control of all things. Your dressing is something she can not control, thus it may go against her basic way of being in control of things. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[KayC]

I don't have a problem with my CDer...I am stating what I have heard from many otherGGs, that it takes over their lives...you can't have a happy relationship if it's out of balance.

[mklinden2010]

>>Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing, there ARE other things in life, bills that need paid, homes that need maintained, family that needs visited, jobs that need gone to, etc.


Agreed.

If there's any problem with crossdressing as a problem, it's that it gets billing as "the" problem.

It isn't "the" problem, it's "a" problem. And, often only a problem because it gets blown out of proportion and other things suffer.

Again, people...

"Take out the trash, wash the car, get the stuff off the top shelf, open the stuck can lids, paint the swing set, finish the taxes, drop the kids at Debbie's house... Then call your mother and cancel our visit so that we can go shopping for "big ol' helpful you" to get some... Things!"

(And, s-o-m-e things, you lunkhead! Kids gotta eat!)

[Leanne2]

Over thirty five years ago I told my then girlfriend that I was a cross dresser. She wasn't sure what that actually meant and neither did I. We married and then about ten years later I went to therapy at the local university. I was asked to bring my wife to the last session. The therapist told my wife that I was OK but she needed to be more accepting. That didn't go over very well.
As the years have gone by we tried the " Don't ask, don't tell" system. My wife tolerated this arrangement but didn't like it. Also, as I have gotten older I have realized that I am transgendered and possibly transsexual. I didn't realize that 37 years ago. I find that I have to dress in public and interact with both men and women as a woman to feel better about myself.
My wife and I have too much invested in my male personality to ever consider a change. I have grandchildren that call me grandpa. That is not going to change. So I will suppress my desire to live openly as a woman to maintain that which I can not give up. It's the pits but no one said that this life would be easy. Leanne2

[JulieK1980]

You both makes some good points, and miss the target in a few places.

Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size.

One of you argues that the SO needs to do more, the other argues that the CDer needs to do less.

However, one person in the couple can't succeed at getting happily through life unless the other does too.

If you want to play "Tug-of-War" and win, get on the same side.


So absolutely well said! :2c:

[Meghan]

The only advice I can give you is pretty simple and I am sure you have already thought of it...however...

Are you sure you are not missing something that is important to her? Perhaps your need to dress (and honey, I totally understand it) is getting so strong that it is clouding your ability to respond or notice her needs.

Are you appreciate or resentful when you are with her? Do you enjoy her time, do you ask for her thoughts and dreams? Are you worried, or does it make you sad when she's not happy?

My guess is, she has a need as important to her as your need is to you...

If you can take the time and find that need, then help her meet it, her view of the total you will be different...

This need for her to accept may be coming from the very male side of you that you are struggling to overcome. Try to open up some, and think of things from her point of view, and then see if it leads you to a different place.

I hope this helps,

Meghan

[Satrana]

I sincerely hope you aren't married with these views. Thanks for the put-down but happily married to a 100% accepting wife who shares these views. Actually she is more "militant" than I am.


Most of us GGs here are accepting My comments are not about accepting GGs since they would never think this way.


who qualified you to say we should share our feminine roles and equate it with getting equal pay for equal work? Feminism is so much more than equal pay, feminism has been about socially engineering gender roles for the past 40 years.


just because some GGs (myself included) want a man to be and look like a man at least some of the time, Why can't men choose their own look? If a man wears a skirt every day but does not emulate a woman, how is this different from women wearing pants all the time? Does this mean men should insist women wear skirts some of the time?


This isn't all about CDers, it's about us too! Yes I know that is what my post was all about. Cding is not all about the CDer, SOs are responsible for their own thoughts and actions.


Some of us are sick of all of the time and money and emotion that goes into the CDing, Are you talking for the accepting SOs or the unaccepting ones?


Very often, it seems to me that xing becomes a "huge" issue because the couple is no better at working out this kink than they are at others of the same size. However CDing is a subject matter that because of its negative stigmatization and the shame and guilt surrounding it, routinely results in one or both SOs shutting down and refusing to deal with the matter. That often makes CDing more difficult to deal with than normal issues. But if a couple are open minded and have a good communication setup then CDing never has to become the huge deal in the first place.

The key is the mindset of the individuals and how much they buy into society's prejudices....or how willing they are to unlearn and let go of these prejudices once they understand the issue.

[marny]

I think many couples are in the same boat as you after years of marriage and being CD is irrelevent. Sounds sad but I believe there is alot of truth to it. :sad:

[Round Robin]

I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

[mklinden2010]

>>I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

RR,

Sorry you're experiencing unhappiness about anything. Life should be happy. Problem is, you have to work at it and that can be difficult.

You say that not giving him a hard time is the best you can do?

How's that working for you? For him? For anybody?

Might I suggest a bit of reverse psychology - for both of you?

Say, "OK, lets see how this works... You want, not women's clothes, but your clothes, to dress as a woman? Uh-huh. Uh, you have a budget for that? A "look" you're going for? Or, is it just about, you know, "getting your rocks off" now and then. Come on, Bub, let's get to the bottom of this if it takes all day, three months, or whatever. I have other things to do and we need to see if this is going to work."

If people tell you about their Xdressing, it's because they want you to know. And, YOU, not everybody or anybody else. They are close to you, care enough about you, to think, "Geez, now's the time. If she were having a problem with something, I'd want her to talk to me about it."

So, there it is, on the table. Deal with it as it is. Give him the room, the things, the time to figure out if this really makes sense - even to him.

Too often, couples get stuck at some "arrangement" where he can do "a bit" but he can't talk about it, do it around her, etc. Neither the gal or the guy actually works through the problem.

As an aside to this, if he really wanted to be gay, bi, female, etc. there's nothing that can be done about it anyway. And, if you care about someone, why would you want to stop them from pursuing their happiness? It might not work out the way either of you thought things might yesterday, but life is full of challenges...

"OK, you told me. Now what to you want to do, and, what do you want me to do? Oh, I love you... And, I hear you... But, we haven't done this before and we're going to have to figure this out to see where we wind up. OK, show me what ya got."

Put that worry to work... Just get on with it.

You may wind up saying:

"Well, he was a good guy but he had some baggage - a dozen purses - that I didn't want to deal with. To each their own. I just thought I should move on and let us both get on to what we really wanted."

Or, you may wind up saying:

"I know! I told him no one wears that anymore but he went out and spent his money on it anyway. Well, that's how WE learned. So what can you do? He'll just have to wait until that comes back into fashion."

Either way, it's better than stewing.

[Jaclyn NM]

I guess that I'm in the ditto crowd also. When I first told my wife she was tentative but accepting, and even bought me some panties and hose. I didn't push it, but after she saw me dressed a few times, she said it made her uncomfortable. Eventually she said she didn't want to see me dressed anymore, and the few times I tried to bring the subject up, she refused to talk about it. Because she is helping to care for her elderly mother, she is out of the house most afternoons, so that is when I dress now, and other than that, Jaclyn is back in the closet. I don't like the situation, but I love my wife more, and therefore, I'll live with the situation as long as I have to.

[KayC]

Satrana,
It wasn't meant as a put down, I just don't see you as someone compatible for a woman to live with, glad you found someone who sees it differently. I didn't sum up women's lib in one sentence as in all-inclusive, you know what I meant and yet you chose to skirt that. I felt the whole theme of your post was anti GG. Since this has become quibbling, I won't continue with this thread with you.

[KayC]

>>I am a gg who is struggling to understand my recently come out husband. It is very hard. Right now just not giving him a hard time is the best I can do...

I guess that's a start as long as you don't let it end there. I would greatly encourage you to learn what you can and to try to understand your husband. Education is key to adapting. Remember that "she" is the same person that you married. Think of a need that you have...can you picture yourself doing without that need? Why should your husband be any different? Instead of thinking of this as something bad (it isn't), try opening your mind to the possibility that just maybe this might even be a good thing! To suppress or deny oneself is not healthy and can add to anxiety and unhappiness...is that what you really want for your husband? You may not understand everything about CDing or even agree with it, but you do need to accept it. The only thing debateable are the ground rules that the two of you should set for your common comfort...such as whether in public, if around you, lovemaking while dressed, how often dress, how much $ allotted for it, etc.

[Lucy Long Legs]

This question is incredibly tricky and there probably as many answers as there are couples.
It seems to me that we cross dress for a variety of reasons and I can only comment on my own.
Many of us are in highly pressurised jobs, or at least we interpret them that way, and this brings a geat deal of responsibility.
When I dress, I dress in as feminine a way as possible - usually in a way that no woman of my age would ever contemplate going out in.
My SO, a professional woman never wears clothes like mine - she regards them as demeaning and they represent everything that she has worked to get away from - the "trophy wife" look.
At first she saw my overtly sexy look as an implied criticism and she is still not too happy about it, but this is not about her - it's about me and my "failings" as I used to see them.
I'm not a very masculine guy, in any way, but I have always been a happy heterosexual but from time to time I turn into a very feminine, vulnerable and submissive woman. Is that so bad?
My SO realises now that this is part of me, not her, and has come to terms with it. She doesn't see it from my point of view, and other problems remain, but our relationship embraces it.
If it didn't, I would have to give it up, with difficulty.

[Sarah5]

Wow Linda, I'm really sorry to read your post. I've been dressing for as long as I can remember. It is a part of me that will always be there and it is something about me that I truly enjoy and embrace.

When my wife I were dating I told her about it. I explained to her that this is something I enjoy and it makes me feel nice about my softer side. My wife was very accepting of it right from the start. I'll admit she was a little taken back at first but after the first few times I dressed up with her she was fine with it.

I've been very lucky to find someone who not only accepts it but embraces it and there are many times when we are out at the stoes when she will pull something off the rack and say how pretty I would look in it and even will buy some outfits for me as well.

She has never once had an issue with my wearing something sexy during lovemaking or even going out wearing something pretty. I hope you find that one day in this life so you can be who you are without the feeling of guilt or having to pretend to be something or someone you are not.

I feel sad for you that you have to hide such a huge part of who you are. I wonder how your wife would feel if you expected her to deny something that is so very true to your core of who you are?

Hope things improve for you and maybe you should get your wife to read these responses. Maybe it would help her to accept the man she married.

Good luck.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Linda,

I didn't realize just how much we had in common when we exchanged messages recently. I am in exactly the same situation as you and unfortunately so many of the other girls. My wife and I have tried couples counseling, I have tried private counseling but to no avail. I am now seeing a therapist, at her request, to get me fixed and to make me stop that stupid habit of mine.

My therapist, and the counselors have tried to make her understand that there is really nothing wrong with my crossdressing and that she should try and be more understanding and possibly accepting of it, yet she totally refuses to hear a word that is said. She wants to be in total control of everything, especially my life. It is not good enough that she does not participate, does not see me dressed or even sees pictures of me dressed, she wants to control my life and actions. According to her, I am not allowed to leave the house dressed or even get dressed more than one a month.

I understand her feelings and make allowances to accommodate them. All I am asking is that she understand my feeling and needs and accommodate them. Unfortunately this does not appear to be something that will ever happen.

My therapist is now getting me ready to accept the fact that in most probability my marriage will neither be able to succeed nor continue. He is also working with me to accept and understand that I will most probably be living as Nicole full time in the not too distant future. While this is wonderful news to me, it means the end of over 40 years of marriage. For this I feel anger and hatred towards her. I feel guilty for feeling this way but my therapist tells me that it is a normal feeling under the circumstances.

So, here we all are, in this same miserable situation. I can see no way out for myself, but I sincerely hope that all of you find ways to resolve you differences and make your relationships work.

Nicole

[RobertaM]

wow what a great thread,, well
omg totally ditto ditto ditto..

My wife are in a very happy dont ask dont tell kinda playful mood rightnow,,

she just came over and thru a comestic glossy addof a mixed sexed group photo, and said , geesh that would be fun.. I said as a girl or boy,, she laughed and left..

my point is even thou there is tension and stress, have fun , be positive,, and think happy,, (thank you Laura P for the wisdom)
I know its all sounds sappy but freaken way better than the opposite,, so go for it,, if the worst case happens, at least you tried.

hey I'm no role model here ladies..

ciao roberta